


Mass Effect

by Nudeviking



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adult Situations, F/F, Strong Language, brief nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 168,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6849589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Director's Commentary: I am not quite sure I like the beginning of this one.  They seemingly undid many of the choices I'd made in the the earlier games and ignored plot that had happened.  Maybe they'll explain it all later, but at present I'm not really feeling it.  Also fuck the changes made to what Shepard looks like.  I imported the Shepard I'd had since Mass Effect 1 and she looked totally different.  Why is she suddenly so much more top heavy than she used to be?  I like boobs as much as anyone, but that's not what she's supposed to look like.  The story hook is pretty decent, but again it kind of ignores plot that I had caused to happen.  I blew up the Mass Relay in Arrival which apparently would cause the Reaper invasion to be delayed by years and yet they are invading Earth months later, again with no explanation.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Mass Effect - S01E01 - Voltron Cosplay

"Dude for real?  Sloane Shepard?  She's the one you want?"

"Yup."

"You can't be serious.  You know she's Earthscum right...and and orphan to boot?  Plus there was that whole deal on A-Cooze.  You know, her entire squad got wiped out...she was the only one who made it back to drop point.  Shit like that has gotta fuck a person's brain up.  I mean her mental scars probably have scars of their own."

"Don't you think that's precisely the sort of person who will save the entire universe...a survivor like Sloane Shepard?"

"No.  You want someone to save the universe?  Vasquez is the person to pick.  Now there's a chick who can wreck house whenever and wherever you need houses to be wrecked."

"Nope, sorry, I've made up my mind...it's Shepard."

"Whateves dude."

**Opening Credits**

"AW YE YE!" Joker shouted triumphantly as the spaceship came out of warp speed or whatever warp speed-esque name the Alliance had come up with to avoid countless, "You guys totally got that from some twentieth century sci-fi movie," accusations that would have arisen if they'd just called it "warp speed" or "hyper drive." Whatever the official name was, it was warp speed to Joker and it was dickfucking awesome.

"Good job Joker," came a disgustingly raspy voice from behind him.  It was Niles, some gross ass alien thing with mandibles and Ultimate Warrior face paint.  Joker hated Niles, but tried not to let it show.

"Um...thanks sir," he said and then muttered, "ya praying mantis looking motherfucker," under his breath.  Niles seemed not to notice and was like, "Alright, I'm going to go talk to the commander..." and took off.

"Fuuuuuuck.  I hate that guy so much!" Joker exclaimed as Niles left the bridge.

Wesley Crusher looked up from the bank of computers he was leaning over and turned to his friend Joker and said, "Yo mang, he totally complimented you and you hate him?"

"Dude he's a gross ass alien and a spectre.  Plus what the fuck is an alien spectre doing on this ship.  We're just supposed to be testing out some kind of stealth mode.  The fuck do we need a spectre with us for to do that?  Seems a little overkill for something as lame as this is all.  What do you think Shepard?"

Sloane looked up.  Her thoughts had been elsewhere...back on A-cooze.  "Huh?  What?"

"This Niles fuck.  He's gotta be bad news right?" Joker repeated.

"Yeah probably.  What do we need a spectre with us for if we're just testing out some stealth mode thing?" she asked.

Joker grinned and smoothed the brim of his official Space Alliance snapback baseball cap.  "See mang," he said to Wesley Crusher, "Shepard doesn't trust that guy either!"

The intercom suddenly squawked to life with the voice of the Commander, "Joker, how'd the mass jump go?"

"We just came out of warp now sir and it was a fine jump to light speed if I might say so.  Oh and Commander, just a heads up that douchelord, Niles, is heading your way."

There was a brief pause before the Commander replied, "He's here right now...listening in on this conversation."

"Fuuuck..." Joker muttered under his breath.

"Anyway, tell Captain Shepard I want to see her in my office double time.  Commander out!" the Commander declared and then the intercom went dead.

"You hear that Shepard or do you want me to repeat it?" Joker asked grinning like a jackass.

Shepard smirked, "I think I got it.  Did the Commander sound pissed off to you?"

Wesley Crusher grinned and said, "Don't worry about it Shep...he always sounds like that when he has to talk to Joker."

**Commercial Break**

The doors slid open with a serpentine hiss and Sloane entered the Commander's office to see Niles the Terrarium standing there staring off into the distance.  He turned and faced her and in his disgustingly raspy voice greeted her, "It is good to see you Captain Shepard.  We have much to discuss."

"Whatever dude, where's the Commander?  He sent for me."

"I'm right here Shepard," the Commander said as he slid into the room.  Damn he was one smooth character.  "I'm glad you're here.  What I'm about to tell you will probably blow your mind, so be ready.  This mission...we're not just coming out this way to test out a stealth device."

Sloane rolled her eyes and replied, "No offense Commander, but no duh.  Everyone, including Joker, thought something was up.  A full crew to test out some tech...a goddamn Terrarium spectre on board.  It's been pretty obvious.  The only thing I guess we don't know is what the actual mission is."

"Down there is Eden One...Earth's first colony.  It's mostly farmland but it represents so much more.  It shows the rest of the Alliance that the Earth can hang with the big boys of space colonization.  Anyway, some space farmer was digging up his space fields when he uncovered something...an Ancient Alien Beacon.  If you recall your history class from high school you'll remember that Earth's space program didn't really get off the ground so to speak until we found an Ancient Alien data cache on Mars.  That shit kick started our intergalactic space program like woah and it was pretty much a couple copies of _Intergalactic Space  Travel for Dummies_ and some notes on space engine repair.  This Beacon?  Who knows what the crap is on it?"

"So why didn't we just keep it for ourselves?  Why is the Alliance involved at all?" Sloane asked, eyeing the disgusting Terrarium's disgusting clicking mandibles.

The Commander sighed, "Because...Captain Shepard, Earth is still looked down upon by the rest of the Alliance.  We figured that by sharing the Beacon with the rest of the Alliance we'd endear ourselves to them somewhat...besides they know hecka more about Ancient Aliens than we do, so we'd need their help to decode the thing anyway."

It made sense and Sloane nodded.  "Alright, so what's the plan then?"

The Commander declared in the smoothest voice possible, "You, Biggs and Wedge will land on Eden One, secure the Beacon and then we bring it back to the Alliance.  It's pretty straight forward.  Niles will be accompanying you as well to evaluate your performance."

Sloane's eyes went wide.  "Evaluating me?  For what?" she asked, her voice barely masking her annoyance.

"To see if you have what it takes to be a spectre," the clicking mandibles of Niles intoned.

"And what if I don't want to be a spectre?  Don't I have any say in the matter?"

The Commander sighed, "No you don't.  Humanity has been trying to be taken seriously by the Alliance since we joined.  We've wanted one of our own in the spectres since before you were born Shepard, and if its to  be you, then it's going to be you.  You owe it to humanity."

"Fine, whatever."

The intercom suddenly squawked to life and the room was filled with Joker's dulcet tones.  "Commander we received a transmission from Eden One.  You're going to want to see this."

The sounds of a fierce lasergun battle soon filled the Commander's office as the transmission from Eden One played on the video screen.  Earth Colonists were getting this shit utterly ruined by some unseen enemy.  The camerawork was shoddy and Sloane found herself nauseated and wishing that someone with a steadier hand had filmed the thing.  Suddenly the transmission cut to something up in the sky: a giant, laser blasting Wallmaster!

 

The transmission abruptly cut off and Joker bellowed, "That's all of it.  I've tried sending a reply, but am getting nothing."

"Well Captain Shepard, it looks like your simple pickup just got a heckuva lot more interesting."

**Commercial Break**

"This is so fuckin' boss mang!" Biggs declared as he, Wedge, Sloane and Niles waited to be dropped off on Eden One, "We get to go on a mission with a goddamn spectre!  How cool is that shit?"

The Terrarium gave off as close a sound as a sigh as was possible for a disgusting space alien with mandibles and said, "I prefer to work alone."  He then shouldered his laser rifle and jumped out of the ship.

The Commander was like, "Uh...I guess Niles will scout ahead.  You three secure the Beacon and then get the shit out of there okay?"

"Sounds good Commander," Sloane replied, "What about survivors?"

The Commander shrugged his shoulders, "Whatves.  If you find some and can save them, great, but remember the beacon's your primary objective."

"Duly noted," Sloane replied, and then turning to her companions, bellowed, "Biggs!  Wedge!  Let's move out.  Hoowah!!!"

The two grunts shouted, "HOOWAH!" and then the three space marines then jumped out of their spaceship onto Eden One.  As they landed and looked around Sloane wondered if perhaps Eden One had been ironically named, like Greenland, because nothing about the laserblasted wastes that stretched out before her seemed particularly Eden-like.

The raspy clicking voice of Niles soon filled her head.  "There are hostiles everywhere," the gross alien who preferred to work alone said, "We need to get to the Beacon quickly.  Niles out."

"You heard the praying mantis guy, let's hustle double time!" Sloane said as she and her two companions hauled ass across the laserblast pock marked terrain.

Suddenly a laserblast tore through the air striking Biggs square in the chest.  He barely had time to shout, "FUCK I'VE BEEN SHOT!" before he collapsed in a heap on the ground, his shit completely and utterly wrecked.  Sloane and Wedge sprang into action, firing laser guns in the general vicinity of where the Biggs slaying laserblast had come from.  A moment later there was an explosion.  The killer had been some kind of probe droid.  With the droid destroyed, Sloane turned her attention back to Biggs.

Wedge stood over his friend's body.  It was clear that no amount of medi-goop would save Biggs.  "Dude, he's dead," Sloane said, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for him here."

"Alright...let's go," Wedge replied.  The disappointed in his voice was evident.

Together they pressed on.  Several more probe droids tried to get the Rocker Dropper on Sloane and Wedge, but unlike Biggs, Sloane and Wedge were not so prone to getting their shit wrecked and they were able to blastigate the fuck out of the stupid flying laserblast droids.  They'd gone about 30 clicks when the communicator again transmitted Niles' stupid clicking voice.  "Guys, everything is pretty much wrecked up this way.  Be careful.  I don't want to have to carry this beacon all the way to the pickup point myself.  Niles out."

"Mang, that guy is the absolute worst," Wedge said, but Sloane wasn't paying attention.  Up in the distance she saw someone, a human from the looks of it, gun down two cybermen, but there were more probe droids heading for them.  Sloane drew her pistol and blasted the shit out of the droid.  The human turned and looked towards her and then approached.  It was a woman, cosplaying as Princess Allura from Voltron.

"Nice," Wedge said as she approached.  Sloane nodded in agreement.

"Oh thank god you're here!  I didn't know how much longer I could hold out.  There were so many of them.  They overran our position so we doubled back to try to get back to the base, but...but....but..." the cosplayer said.

"What's your name soldier?" Sloane asked, trying to sound all official.

"Ashley."

"Ashley, what happened here?"

"I dunno.  We were just on patrol and then there was a Wallmaster and then all these Cybermen just ran roughshod all over everything.  My platoon...they're all dead aren't they?  Oh god..."

"You can't blame yourself Ashley," Sloane said, not having time for hysterics, "What you can do, though is help us.  You know this terrain better than us, and we need to rendezvous with our man up that way.  He's got something very important and if the Cybermen get it first, then all your buddies will have died for nothing."

"I understand," the cosplayer said.

"Good.  So let's move out!" 

 


	2. Mass Effect - S01E02 - Walking Dead

The dig site was overrun by cybermen, but Sloane, Wedge, and Voltron cosplay enthusiast, Ashley, were ready for them and put them on blast.Lasers cut through the air, wrecking house on the cybermen with ease.

"Aw ye ye!Bag 'em and tag 'em!" Ashley shouted victoriously as the last cyberman exploded into a heap of gears and servos.

Sloane, however, was feeling somewhat less enthusiastic about what they found at the dig site, or perhaps more precisely what they hadn't found, namely the Beacon.

"Any idea where the Beacon might be?" Sloane asked the Voltron cosplayer.

Ashley shrugged."No idea.I was kind of busy fighting off an invasion of cybermen.Maybe they brought it up into the camp?It's just up the ridge."

Before Sloane could say anything the clicking voice of Niles filled her ears, "Hey I found a spaceport up this way.I'm going to go check it out."

Did that guy ever shut up?Sloane muttered a reply of, "Whatever dude," before turning to Ashley and saying, "Let's go check the camp."

The trio headed up the ridge coming quickly to the dig site camp.Shit did not look good up there.The buildings were all fucked up and shit was totally on fire.Bodies of the workers had been impaled on gigantic metallic pylons.

"Be careful," Wedge said, "This would be a pretty great spot for an ambush."

As if on cue, the pylons suddenly retracted into their bases and the bodies of the workers leapt down from where they had been impaled and shambled toward Sloane and her companions.

"The fuck?!What did they do to all the workers?" Ashley shouted furiously, "They're like zombies or something!"

The workers, now covered with disgusting cybermen trackmarks shambled forward, moaning in binary as Sloane emptied her pistol into them.  The corpses fell down dead once more and exploded into a heap of blue electricity.  


"Let's have a look around shall we?" Wedge suggested, "Maybe the Beacon is in one of those non destroyed buildings over there."

Sloane had to admit that it was a pretty good idea.  Unfortunately their search turned up little more than some stray weapons; useful to be certain, but not the Beacon they were looking for.  She sighed.  "Well, that was pretty much a bust.  I guess we should go look for Niles at that spaceport or whatever he was on about before," she said.

"Wait a second Shepard, what about that door over there," Wedge said pointing at a door next to the storage depot they'd just been ransacking.

Sloane hadn't even noticed it and hurried over only to find that it was locked.  "Shit," she muttered under her breath, "It's all locked up."

"You know, you could use some omni-goop on the lock," Wedge offered, "It would probably cause the lock to short out and then you could open the door."

Sloane opened her belt pouch and scooped out a handful of omni-goop that she smeared across the door's keypad lock.  The keypad began to beep and flash and Sloane mashed down several of the keys as the omni-goop caused the keypad to spark, and a moment later the door slid open with a sound like a deflating helium balloon.  Inside the small storage shed she saw a pair of humans dressed in Alliance uniforms that marked them as a man and woman of science.

The woman startled as the door opened, but upon seeing that Sloane and her companions were humans settled down.  "Oh thank the Maker you're human!  I thought for a second you were cybermen."

"You two are scientists, you know anything about that Ancient Alien Beacon?" Sloane asked.

The lady scientist replied, "Yes, I think they were taking it to the spaceport before the invasion commenced, but whether or not they succeeded I don't know.  We were here to break down camp when the cybermen started running roughshod on everything."

The male science guy, however, started talking all dark and sinister.  "The darkness!  We have unleashed the darkness upon the universe!  Doom!  Destruction!  We shall all perish!"

Ashley and Sloane stared at each other a moment, dumbfounded by the male science guy's outburst.  "Um...is he okay?" Sloane asked the lady scientist.

The lady scientist nodded.  "Yes, he's just a little mad is all.  All this excitement has gotten him flustered.  I gave him a double dose of his meds, but they take a while to kick in.  He's a pretty genius scientist, but also nuttier than a Space Snickers bar.  Anyway thanks again for taking care of those cybermen.  Once my assistant's calmed down a bit we'll make our way back to civilization."

"DOOM!  WE'VE DOOMED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!" the male science guy screamed as Sloane and her companions made their way out of the storage shed.  She prayed that the male science guy really was just a psycho and his wild rantings were not some sort of foreshadowing.

** Commercial Break **

Niles readied his blaster as he made his way across the spaceport's spacious vistas.  Why had the cybermen chosen to attack Eden One at precisely this moment?  They had not been seen outside the Veil for more than two hundred years.  Suddenly Niles realized he was not alone.  He crept around a corner and there standing in the middle of the spaceport he saw his fellow spectre, Seville.  Seville, like him, was a Terrarium.

"Seville!  I am so glad to see you.  Things are a lot worse than we expected here, what with all these cybermen...but what are you doing here?"

"I have my reasons," Seville the Terrarium said.

"Fair enough," Niles replied, "Come then friend, lend me a hand.  I must secure an Ancient Alien Beacon before these cybermen abscond with it."

"Lead the way my friend," Seville replied, and as Niles turned, Seville drew his blaster and fired a single blast into his fellow spectre's back.  Niles let out a death scream as he slammed into the ground face first and his back exploded into a bunch of blood and gore from the blaster shot.

* * *

Sloane and her posse crept up towards the spaceport.  Niles undoubtedly had pressed on without them again and she was certain that he'd be coming on the intercom soon to tell her that he was already back on the spaceship waiting with the Beacon and too hurry up.  So much for wanting to observe her to see if she had what it took to be a spectre.

As they came up over the ridge, a giant spaceship lifted off in the distance.  Wedge lost his goddamn mind, "HO FUCK!  LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FUCKING THING!!!" 

Sloane, however, didn't care about the spaceship for she could see more cyberman pylons in the distance and as they approached the spaceport the pylons once again retracted into their bases and the cyberman zombies hopped off to come shambling toward Sloane and her crew.  She drew her pistol and fired, but her aim was off, and instead of hitting one of the slowly moving onetime porters, she blasted a generator.  The generator exploded in a huge explosion of Michael Bayian proportions, sending the cybermen zombies flying through the air, a wreck of fucked up limbs and torsos.

"AW YE YE!" Wedge shouted, "Nice shooting boss!"

"Thanks Wedge," Sloane said, "I totally meant to shoot that blaster and kill all those zombies with a single blast from this here pistol."  She patted her pistol nonchalantly and then holstered it.

There was a hiss, like a guy trying to fart silently while in public, as a nearby shed door slid open and a trio of dirt farmers emerged from their hiding place.  The main dirt farmer was hella grateful for Sloane's incredibly shooting and gave her a pistol that they been hiding in the shed, but otherwise he didn't know too much.  He was, after all a dirt farmer, and not particularly knowledgeable about cybermen invaders or Ancient Alien Beacon technology.  So Sloane thanked the dirt farmers for the pistol and then told them to get to safety before she and her crew pressed on.

The climbed up some stairs and there on the ground, the found Niles the Terrarium, with his shit completely and utterly ruined.  "Oh jit...it's Niles!" Wedge said, stating the obvious, "He's totally dead.  But what could wreck house on a spectre so completely and thoroughly?"

At that moment there was some movement behind a crate.  Everyone drew their weapons and a dumb looking porter stood up and cried out, "Don't shoot mang!  Don't shoot!  I'm a human!"

"Fuck!" Sloane bellowed, "Dude we could have fucking blasted your cock right the fuck off!  What are you even doing back there?"

The stupid looking porter wiped his hands on his dirty jumpsuit and hemmed and hawed a moment before saying, "I sometimes come back her to take a nap during my shift.  I was asleep when the cybermen attacked and then just stayed back here when they were roaming about."

"So the cybermen got him?" Wedge said pointing at Niles' body.

The porter shook his head like a goddamn moron and said, "Gorsh no...the other Terrarium shot your friend in the back.  They seemed to know each other.  Your buddy there called the other one Seville or Sagat or Several or something like that.  They were going off to secure some kind of Beacon.  Seville or Sanders or whatever took the monorail after he wrecked house on your friend.  If you hurry you might be able to catch him."

Sloane nodded and thanked the idiotic porter before telling him to get to safety.  "Ashley.  Wedge.  We've got a train to catch!"

**Commercial Break**

Sloane was pinned down under heavy, cyberman gunfire.  Getting to the monorail was going to be a lot harder than she'd anticipated.  She popped up from behind a barrel and shot at the robotic foeman off in the distance, blasting its head-shaped chunk clear off its shoulderesque area.

"AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM BAY BAY!" Wedge shouted enthusiastically.  It became clear to Sloane that while she had taken potshots at a single cyberman gunner, Ashley and Wedge had managed to kill the remaining robots.

"Let's move out!" Sloane said, "We've still got a train to catch."

"I think you mean monorail..." Ashley offered.

Sloane shrugged and mumbled, "Whatever.  Let's go!"

The monorail pulled into the station at the other end of the spaceport and as Sloane leaped off the monorail, which had not, in fact, glided as softly as a cloudy, she saw a goddamn cyberman setting up a bomb.  She lasered the shit out of the cyberman's skull and rushed over to the bomb.  It was a big one, but she was able to disarm it pretty easily.

"Fuck.  There are probably a bunch more of these bombs all over the spaceport.  If even one of them goes off, we're all rightly fucked!" Wedge shouted.

Off they went to disarm bombs.  Cybermen were shooting at them from all over the place, but Sloane was relieved that at least the bombs were all on land.  She couldn't imagine how annoying it would have been if they had been underwater or something.  Or if timed laser beams were guarding the bombs and if she'd had to wait for the lasers to deactivate before she could go near the bomb.  That would have been the worst.

Lasers streaked past Sloane as she worked on disarming the bombs.  She trusted that Wedge and Ashley would take out whatever asshole robots were shooting at her.  They were much better shots than she was anyway.  Ashley in particular had a certain Vasquez-esque quality to her that Sloane found charming.  As the minutes ticked away, she worked at disarming the final bomb.  Sweat ran down her face as she removed the control panel and then with one final snip of a red wire, the bomb's display went black.  Sloane Shepard breathed a sigh of relief.

"AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!!" Ashley shouted somewhere behind her signaling that she and Wedge had destroyed all the goddamn robots.  That wasn't going to get old quickly at all.

"C'mon guys, I think I saw the Beacon over down there," Sloane said.

She, Ashley and Wedge made their way down a steel spaceport ramp to a landing where a giant chunk of Ancient Alien technology pulsed seductively.  Wedge stepped closer and suddenly floated up into the air.  "The fuck..." he muttered as he struggled to free himself, but he was caught fast.

Sloane threw herself into action, dashing across the platform and grabbing Wedge.  She wasn't about to let another one of her crew members die on her watch.  She pulled Wedge by the arm out of the grasp of the Beacon and threw him.  He log-rolled a short distance towards Ashley.  Sloane then turned to head back away from the Beacon, but before she could move, she fought herself caught in its grasp.  Behind her she could hear Ashley and Wedge yelling, but couldn't make out what they were saying over the terrible din that seemed to emanate from the Beacon as visions of red and violence and death and destruction flashed before her eyes.  Faster and faster they flashed and then nothingness...


	3. Mass Effect - S01E03 - The Shitadel

Seville the Terrarium sat in the pilot's seat of his Wallmaster Spaceship 3000 angrily flying through space.  How had things gone some badly on Eden One?  Suddenly a pale boob witch entered his cockpit and glared at him. If it weren't for her most excellent boobage he probably would have been done with her years ago, but damn were those some elite titties. He tried to calm his thoughts as he said, "What do you want?"

The boob witch looked utterly devoid of emotion.  "The bombs on Eden One were disarmed," she began, "and it seems that one of the humans, a woman known as Shepard, activated the Beacon."

"And where is the Beacon now?" Seville the Terrarium asked, his anger rising.

"It was destroyed," the boob witch said rather nonchalantly, "when the human activated it."

"RWAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!" Seville the Terrarium clicked in a fury as he threw things about the cockpit and knocked shit over like a six year old brat having a temper tantrum, "Find this human and kill her!"

The boob witch bowed giving Seville the Terrarium an eyeful of her ample cleavage before she turned and left the cockpit.  This Shepard, if she weren't dealt with soon, could cause him a great deal of frustration, and if there was one thing Seville the Terrarium hated it was frustration.

**Opening Credits**

Sloane Shepard sat bolt upright, sweat pouring from her brow.  She glanced about in a panic but quickly realized that she was back on the USS Normandy, though she had no idea how she'd gotten there.  The ship's chief medic, Doctor Chocolate, stood nearby and offered soothing words when she noticed Sloane had awaken.

"I'm glad to see you're back among the living.  You gave us quite a scare there," Doctor Chocolate said, "You're lucky that Kaidan Alenko and that girl, Ashley something or other, brought you in."

"Who's Kaidan Alenko?" Sloane asked rubbing her head, still rather groggy.

"Oh that's right, most of you call him Wedge for some reason don't you?  Anyway if not for those two we might have lost you."

"Well, they could have taken me to a hospital on Eden One," Sloane offered, "They wasted a lot of time bringing back to the ship."

Doctor Chocolate laughed at the notion.  "If they'd brought you to a medical facility on Eden One you'd certainly be dead.  Those backward colonial hospitals are notoriously ill equipped to deal with injuries as severe as yours."

"How long was I even out for?"

The chief medic glanced at her wrist chronometer.  "Fifteen hours..."

At that moment the Commander strolled into the medical bay like a motherfuckin' boss.  "Doc, you mind giving us a minute here?" he said as he entered.  Doctor Chocolate shrugged and headed off to her office, undoubtedly to pop some pills or take a swig out of the flask of hooch she kept in her storage cabinet.

"How are you feeling?" the Commander asked Sloane once Doctor Chocolate was gone.

"I'm alright, but I had the weirdest dream...no, it was more like a vision," she replied, "After I pulled Wedge...er...I mean Kaidan...out of the Beacon I saw things."

"What sort of things?" the Commander asked.  The concern was evident on his face.

"War.  Death.  A robot army.  You know, basic foreshadowing vision shit," Sloane replied.  She paused a moment realizing how goddamn crazy she must have sounded and quickly changed the topic, "So did Wed...Kaidan tell you about Niles?  About that other spectre...Seville or something?"

"Yes.  We're heading to the Citadel now to bring up the matter before the council.  The ambassador seems to think that we have enough evidence to make a case for Seville's dismissal, but we may need you to appear before the council to give your account of what happened on Eden One.  Anyway, we're pretty close to the Citadel now, so head to the bridge and tell Joker to being the docking procedure."

Sloane nodded and replied, "Yes sir.  Oh one more thing, what about Ashley?"

"Williams?  I've had her reassigned to the Normandy.  We could use a soldier like her after losing Biggs back on Eden One...unless you think we shouldn't keep her."

"No, she's cool.  Way cooler than that idiot Biggs was at least."

"You can say that again," the Commander said, "Anyway go tell Joker to do his job.  I'm out."

The Commander strode, like a boss, up to the doors of the medical bay and after they hissed opened, strolled out.  Sloane stood and stretched her limbs before following him out of the medical bay.  She made her way back to the bridge.  Joker was leaning way back in his chair adjusting his baseball cap as she walked up behind him.

"Joker, begin docking procedures.  We're getting off at the Citadel."

"Yes ma'am!" Joker exclaimed excitedly.

"And don't call me ma'am Joker...I'm only like a year older than you."

"Aye aye, Captain."

"That's better."

**Commercial Break**

The Citadel was impressive as fuck.  There were big monolithic things all over the place and a big ass spaceship with a gun the size of Nebraska attached to it.  Ashley proving herself to be something of a size queen was duly impressed by the giant gun.  Joker did his job and a moment later the USS Normandy was docking on the Citadel.  Sloane and her crew exited the ship and were met by the Human Ambassador.  Sloane didn't trust him.  He had a shifty look about him, but he was polite enough as he led Sloane, Ashley, Kaidan and the Commander from the docks to the embassy.

As they strolled through the streets and byways of the Citadel the Ambassador and the Commander discussed the possibility of opening an instigation against Seville the Terrarium, but Sloane wasn't paying much attention.  How could she with Ashley's shapely ass swaying so hypnotically in front of her?  So transfixed was she by those two round globes that she did not realize that the party had arrived at the embassy.

She suddenly became aware that Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko was talking to her.  "Yo Shepard, are you okay?" he asked, "You got pretty messed up there back on Eden One.  You need to see Doc Choc?"

"Huh?  What?  No, I'm fine.  I was just thinking about what the Council might ask when I go before them.  I get kind of nervous about public speaking..."

"Yeah I was like that too.  Once, when I was in middle school, I barfed all over myself when I had to give a report on the historic use of Robocops in Detroit.  They called my Luke Puke for the rest of the year.  I was glad when my Pops got transferred to another base and I got to switch schools, believe you me..."

The human embassy was pretty spartan, but the Ambassador insisted it was one of the better offices in the building.  "Can you believe that the Elcor and the Mole People have to share an office?  We should count ourselves fortunate that Humans were deemed worthy of having their own offices at all.  If you will excuse me a moment, I need to call the Council and make arrangements for you to present your case before them."

The Ambassador walked over to the spacephone and dialed a number.  A moment later, a hologram of the three Council members appeared before him.  They did not look pleased.  "What is it this time...Ambassador?" the ugly looking Terrarium Councilor asked.

"It's about our complaint as to what happened on Eden One.  The crew from the USS Normandy, the ship that responded to the distress signal, have arrived at the Citadel and are ready to present their report to you, so that you can make your decision as to what to do with Spectre Seville."

The Councilor scoffed, "We have begun a C-Sec investigation...Ambassador, but I must confess there seems to be remarkably little evidence of any wrongdoing on Spectre Seville's part.  Regardless, the hearing is scheduled for this afternoon at sixteen hundred standard chronological units.  Please do not bother us again with trivial spacephone calls such as this...Ambassador."

There was a click and the hologram of the Councilors faded.  The Ambassador seemed embarrassed by what had transpired.  "Those fucking aliens...they're afraid of us you know?  That's why they won't let us on the council...why they treat us like children, but hopefully that will all start to change once you are a spectre Captain Shepard," the Ambassador said.

Sloane sighed and replied, "I really don't want to be a spectre.  They have so much power and so little accountability.  I don't feel comfortable being a part of an organization like that to be honest."

The Ambassador laughed and replied, "You don't have a choice Captain Shepard.  Humanity has been trying to get into the spectres for years and we're not going to let something like your comfort level get in the way of our progress with the Council.  Anyway I've got things to prepare for the hearing.  Why don't you three have a looking around the Citadel?  Just be sure to be to the Tower of Counseling before sixteen hundred standard chronological units..."

Sloane shrugged and then she, Kaidan, and Ashley left the embassy.

"That guy's kind of a cockmonger isn't he?" Ashley said as they headed down the stairs and out onto the streets of the Citadel.

Sloane nodded in reply.  "Fuck, I need a drink.  C'mon, I'm buying." 

Kaidan and Ashley were both amped by the prospect of free booze and the trio headed across the bridge to a large building that had the look of a drinking establishment.  As the entered they were confronted by a blue, bald-headed alien dressed in rather revealing clothing.

"Welcome to the Consortium.  Do you have an appointment?" the blue woman asked.

Sloane scoffed, "An appointment?  We just want to come in and have a couple space boilermakers.  This is a bar isn't it?"

The woman laughed.  It was a charmingly melodic laugh that caused Sloane to think inappropriate things.  "No, this is the Consortium, home to the Consort."

Sloane looked at Ashley and Kaidan in askance, but both shrugged.  "Okay, so what's a consort?"

"The Consort is many things to many people.  To some she is a counselor.  To others an entertainer.  To some she is a prophet."

"So an oracle?  Or maybe a space prostitute?" Sloane asked, even more confused than ever.

"She is far more than that," the woman replied, "It is somewhat difficult to explain precisely what the Consort is since she is so many things to so many people.  Perhaps it would be best for you to schedule an appointment and see for yourself."

Sloane shrugged, "Yeah sure...whatever.  Pencil me in for whenever the next opening in her schedule is.  The name is Shepard.  Sloane Shepard."

The blue woman smiled seductively and Sloane felt her knees weaken.  "We are already quite well aware of who you are Captain Shepard.  I have scheduled an appointment for you in one month's time."

"A month?  Really?" Sloane asked in disbelief.

"I am quite sorry," the woman replied, "the Consort is exceedingly busy, though if there is a cancellation perhaps your appointment could be moved up an hour or two."

"Alright," Sloane replied and then turning to her friends said, "Dudes, I'm sorry, this is my bad.  I totally thought this place looked like a bar.  We've still got a little time left so let's go see if we can find a place that has space beer."

She and her friends turned to leave the weird Consortium, but as they started to leave, the blue woman suddenly stopped them.  "Excuse me Captain Shepard, this is highly irregularly, but my mistress, the Consort, has requested your presence.  She is waiting for you upstairs."

Sloane shrugged and entered the Consortium, passing an number of weird aliens hanging out with scantily clad blue women on large, overstuffed sofas and chaise lounges as she made her way to the staircase.  She headed up the stairs and there in a large, elegantly furnished chamber she saw yet another scantily clad blue woman laying seductively on a settee.  This one appeared to be slightly older than the women lounging on chaise lounges on the ground floor, but there was still something, intangibly attractive about her and Sloane felt her loins tremble.

"So, you are Captain Shepard," the woman said, rising from her settee, "I am the Consort, and I beg of you a favor."

"A favor?  From me?" Sloane replied, "What is it?"  She didn't know whether she trusted this woman, but she was, nonetheless, curious as to what favor she could possibly want.

"A former client of mine and I have had a falling out, and because of it he has begun spreading lies about me.  He is a military man named and so I thought that perhaps a fellow soldier could succeed in convincing him to do the right thing where I could not.  The fellow's name is Spartacus, and I am quite certain you can find him drunk in one of the taverns in the wards.  Do this for me and I shall be in your debt."

"What caused you two to have this falling out?" Sloane asked.

The woman laughed coquettishly and said, "It is not my place to say.  Should Spartacus wish to tell you that is his choice."

Sloane shrugged and said, "Alright, we want to go to a bar anyway, so if we see this Spartacus guy we'll talk to him about not being a douchelord."  She then turned and headed out of the Consortium with her crew members.  As they emerged onto the street she said, "Alright guys let's go to the wards and get some brews!"

Kaidan had a look of dismay upon his face and said, "Uh, Captain...it's nearly sixteen hundred standard chronological units.  We probably should get to the Tower of Counseling double time."

Sloane sighed and muttered, "Fuck."

 **Commercial Break**  

A tasteful muzak rendition of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," played as the elevator ascended to the highest floor of the Tower of Counseling.  "This is going to suck so much ass isn't it?" Ashley asked no one in particular, "These hearing things are always lame as fuck...at least that's what I've heard.  I've never actually been to one.  Just people were always saying, 'The Council's a sack of shit that cares more about a cum-crusted sock than it does about humans.'"

"That's what people were always saying?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Yeah.  On Eden One people used to say it all the time.  See there was this one Councilor like two hundred years ago and there was some territorial dispute between some humans and Terrariums but the Councilor had lost his jizz sock or something and he skipped the Council session and the Terrariums ended up winning the hearing or whatever so yeah the Council cares more about a cum-crusted sock than they do about us."

"That never happened!" Kaidan exclaimed.

"Dude, for real.  If you read something other than those shitty Hawke & Merrill fantasy novels you might have known about it," Ashley said.

There was a _ping_ and then the doors to the elevator hissed open, revealing the Tower of Counseling's hallowed Halls of Jurisprudence.  There were massive staircases lining the hall and countless aliens of all the Alliance species were milling about.  A short distance ahead of them they saw a pair of Terrariums bickering, their mandibles clacking wildly as they shouted at each other angrily.

"I am certain Seville is up to something!  I just need more time to investigate further!" one of the two Terrariums shouted.

"Bah!  The hearing is scheduled to begin in a moment.  There is no more time to be had Officer Gardus," the second Terrarium replied, "Now if you will excuse me, I have counseling and jurisprudence to dole out."

The Terrarium sauntered off, leaving Gardus alone.  Sloane approached him and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing your argument.  It sounds like you don't trust Seville too much."

The Terrarium named Gardus looked up at her and clicked grossly, "Shepard right?  I read your crew's report of what happened on Eden One.  That Seville was involved doesn't surprise me.  We've had trouble with him in the past, but he's clever and is very careful in covering up any wrong doing.  I thought this time we'd nail him for sure, but the Council is pushing this hearing through too quickly.  We in C-Sec have barely had any time to follow up any of the leads.  Anyway I've said too much already.  I just hope the Council takes what you and your crew say seriously.  Maybe we can stop Seville before it's too late.  If you'll excuse me, I must be going."  Gardus suddenly turned on his heel and lopped off toward the elevator.

"That was weird," Ashley said looking back at the Terrarium as he got into the elevator.

Sloane nodded, and said, "Yes, but we've got other things to deal with.  Come on."

A short distance up ahead she found the Commander and the Ambassador sitting on one of the innumerable park benches that filled the Hall of Jurisprudence.  The Commander stood and greeted her, "Captain Shepard, are you ready?  The Council is just assembling now."

"I guess I'm ready.  We didn't really have time to gather more evidence at all, and it seems like the Council's pulled the plug on C-Sec's investigation as well," Sloane said.

"Alright let's go then," the Ambassador said, "Just let me do all the talking.  Don't speak unless they ask you a question directly Shepard...okay?"

"Whatever."

* * *

Sloane felt as though she had been standing before the Council for hours.  She was only half paying attention, but the hearing did not seem to be going very well for the Ambassador at all.  The Councilors kept muttering things like "lack of evidence," and Seville having "a distinguished record of service."  "You cannot expect us to take the word of one dumbass dockworker as sufficient evidence against Agent Seville can you?" the Terrarium Councilor asked in a insectlike drone.

Sloane had very nearly dozed off when the Commander suddenly shouted, "What about Captain Shepard's visions!"

The holographic projection of Seville cackled.  "What manner of trial is this?  How can I possibly defend myself against dreams being taken as evidence."

"Agreed," the Terrarium Councilor said, "Commander Anderson, I am of the mind that you are letting your past history with the defendant cloud your judgement.  If you have any desire to see Captain Shepard...or any human for that matter...accepted into the Spectres, you would do well to be more mindful of your outbursts."

"Councilor, with all due respect, I am not certain what this hearing has to do with Captain Shepard's career with the Spectres," the Ambassador interjected, "This hearing should have no baring on her standing with that agency."

The Terrarium Councilor smirked and said, "Very well...Ambassador.  Captain Shepard, do you have anything else you would like to add before we render our verdict?"

"Just that Seville's a douchelord of the highest caliber known to man.  He's got an army of cybermen and wants to kill all humans," she replied, "but it doesn't matter, because you've already made up your minds about how you're going to rule.  This entire hearing was a crock of shit and a total waste of time."

"Duly noted," the Terrarium Councilor said and then glanced at his fellow Councilors.  The other two gross aliens nodded and then the Terrarium declared, "Then we the Council find the defendant, Seville the Terrarium Spectre, innocent of any wrongdoing on Eden One."

"AW YE YE!" the hologram of Seville shout and before the transmission ended and the hologram faded.

The Terrarium Councilor glared at the humans standing before him and declared sternly, "Ambassador...in the future it would behoove you to gather evidence before leveling such serious charges against a Spectre agent again.  Now clear the hall."

Dejected, the humans exited the hall.  "So now what?" Sloane asked as the walked down one of the countless overlong staircases, "We all know Seville is up to some shady shit, even if the Council doesn't want to hear it.  I mean we heard some C-Sec officer telling that Terrarium Councilor as much just before the hearing began...Gardus or Garrus or something.  He said he needed more time to follow up some leads, but the Councilor pretty much told him to fuck off."

"That's good.  Follow up with that Gardus character then Captain Shepard," the Ambassador replied, "I'll go through some of my diplomatic channels to see if anyone else can corroborate any of the rumors about Seville."

"What about the Commander?" Sloane asked, "I'd feel weird stealing his thunder."

The Ambassador let out a drawn out, "Eh...." before Commander Anderson said, "I'll tell her, why don't you go back to the embassy?"  The Ambassador shrugged and headed off.  Once he was out of sight, Commander Anderson sighed and then said, "They weren't lying when they said Seville and I had history.  A long time ago he and I worked together.  We'd been tasked with taking down an intergalactic terror cell and had tracked them to Rigel VII.  Seville took them down...without discrimination.  More than a thousand civilians died.  The official report said there was no wrong doing."

"That's monstrous!  I'd never kill innocents!" Sloane exclaimed.

"Leaders like you and I sometimes have to make hard choices Shepard.  Sometimes even when making the best choice, innocent people die because of it.  That's not what makes Seville a monster.  What made him a monster was that he never even considered any other way.  The violence...he revels in it.  He craves death and destruction, and that's why he's gotta go down!  People trusted him and they died!"

"Commander?" Sloane said, "Let's get this asshole!"


	4. Mass Effect - S01E04 - Wrex n' Effects

The wards were dark and gritty, a real cyberpunk wonderland replete with neon lights and furiously pounding techno music.  Sloane Shepard and her companions, the bland, milquetoast everyman, Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko, and the Voltron cosplay enthusiast cum space marine, Ashley, were hot on the trail of Garados, or Gradius or Garrus or whatever that disgusting praying mantis space cop's name was.  They had heard that one of his fellow space cops, a drunken bastard named Harkins would know where to find him, and Harkins, unfortunately, could be found down in the wards.

"Harkins is probably in that bar over there," Sloane said, pointing to a low, ramshackle structure that throbbed and pulsed with annoying techno music.

A blast from a laser gun suddenly streaked through the air towards them.  They were under attacked by gunmen.  Sloane crouched down behind a low wall and drew her pistol before popping up and firing three shots at one of the gunmen.  Her first shot went wide, hitting a nearby wall.  The second shot grazed the alien's calf, causing him to curse, but he barely got the first syllable of his curse past whatever passed for a mouth before the third shot hit him in the face causing his head to explode into three thousand and fourteen pieces.

"AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Kaidan shouted, indicating that the other gunman was also dead.

Sloane strolled up to the the corpses lying in the street and gave one a quick kick with her toe.  Dead as a doornail.  "These must be Seville's men," she said, "He knows we're on to him.  Come on, let's get out of here before some C-Sec space pigs show up and start asking questions."

She and her companions made their way down the street and entered the bar.  Instantaneously they were assailed by the repetitive throb of shitty space Skrillex blasting over the sound system.  Scantily clad blue alien ladies writhed about on tables while praying mantis men and other gross aliens leered at them.  Sloane wanted to find Harkins and get out of there as quickly as possible.  Sloane walked up the the bar and hailed the rough looking barkeep who was wiping the bar down with the dingiest rag she'd ever seen.The surly human stopped working and scowled at her."Whaddya want?" he spat angrily.

"I'm looking for a guy named Harkins.Heard he might be here.You know where I can find him?" Sloane asked.

The barkeep pointed toward a haggard looking drunk at a table in the corner and said, "That's Harkins.I don't know what your beef is with him, but if you're going to blast him, take him outside first...the last thing I need is C-Sec closing my bar to investigate the killing of one of their own."

Sloane flipped the barkeep a credit and thanked him.The man pocketed the credit and returned to wiping down the countertop.

Sloane crossed the bar to the table where Harkins sat.He was even more repulsive up close than he had seemed from afar.His hair was stringy and unkept and he stared at her with beady, bloodshot eyes.

"Helloooooo nurse!" he exclaimed, slurring his words slightly, "Fuck do I love a woman in uniform and damn Sugartits, that uniform's doing you a lot of favors."

"You Harkins?I heard you might know where I can find a C-Sec officer named Garrus or Garados or something."

"Garrus the Terrarium?Yeah, I know the guy.Might be able to help you find him too.Why don't you take a seat right here Sugartits and we'll talk all about ol' Garrus," Harkins said and patted his crotch suggestively.

"You're fucking disgusting," Sloane said, her voice pungent with contempt.

Harkins laughed, a sleazy laugh and said, "You're just figuring that out now Sweetcheeks?I guess I could help you out a little...us humans gotta stick together and all that horseshit right?I saw Garrus today...he said he was going to the medical bay to follow up on some leads.You might what to check there first.If he's not there maybe Doc will know where he went."

"Thanks Harkins," Sloane said and then turned and began to walk away.Behind her Harkins whistled appreciatively and muttered, "Just as good going as it was comin'."

"Pig," Sloane muttered under her breath as she headed towards the door.Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a Terrarium dressed in the garb of a general and stopped, "Guys do you that that dude's the dude the Consort told us about last episode?"

Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko, the most boring man in seven systems, nodded and then said, "I think maybe it is.We should go talk to him."

Sloane strolled up to the Terrarium general and gave him the "What's up?" head nod before asking him, "Yo mang, you know the Consort?She asked me to talk to you."

The drunk Terrarium scoffed drunkenly, "Bah!I have ruined everything with her!Leave me here to drink and wallow in my misery!"

"Dude, you're a fucking general so sack up and fucking act like it.Go back to the consort and apologize for whatever the fuck you did to piss her off and set things right mang," Sloane said forcefully.

The Terrarium took a swig of whatever foul smelling liquor remained in his chug cup and let out a clicky laugh."You're Shepard aren't you?Shepard, there are five people in the universe who could talk to me like that...alright, I'll do it.I'll go talk to the Consort, but not before a take a couple dozen showers to wash this stank off me."

"I'm glad to hear it," Sloane replied.

The Terrarium knocked back his drink and said, "You'll make a good general someday Shepard...oh by the way I'd like to ask a favor.There's an elcor diplomat who thinks the Consort sold his secrets.She didn't...it was me.I need to put things right with him.Tell him it was me, and give him this datapad if he needs more proof."The Terrarium stood and brushed the wrinkles from his uniform slacks and as he walked away said, "Thanks again Shepard."

Sloane looked to her companions and said, "Let's go find Garrus."

** Commercial Break **

The door to the Medical Bay hissed like an annoyed cat as it slid open.A grimy looking thug turned toward the door, and seeing Sloane standing there grabbed a woman in the garb of a medic and placed a blaster to her dome.

"One wrong move and this bitch gets it!" the thug shouted, "Don't think I won't do it!"

Before Sloane could even attempt to reason with thug, there was a sudden blast of laser blast and the grimy thug's head exploded into brains and gore that splattered against the wall behind him like a Jackson Pollock painting.Sloane turned to see a Terrarium C-Sec officer crouched behind a hospital bed.Several of the thug's companions turned towards him and opened fire.

Sloane drew her pistol and fired shots at the gangbangers that were trying to dust some cops off.Her shots were wildly inaccurate to be quite frank and she was glad Ashley and Kaidan and even that disgusting praying mantis dude were there to pick up the slack.Soon the floors of the medical bay were a mess of thug blood and gangster bits.

"Doc are you alright?" Garrus asked his mandibles clicking wildly.

"I'm fine thanks to you all," Doc replied.

"Who were those guys?" Sloane asked pointing toward the heap of exploded corpses covering the floor.

"They work for Fist...a local scofflaw who is an agent for the shadow broker...or at least was.The word on the street is he's thrown his lot in with Seville the Terrarium recently," Garrus replied, "But what could they possibly want with you Doc?"

The doctor nodded her head and said, "It wasn't me they were after it was a girl...a Qunari.She came to me and said she had some information she wanted to sell to the shadow broker.I told her I'd set up a meeting, only she never showed."

Garrus pounded his hand into his palm and shouted, "She must have information about Seville if Fist is after her and that information must be real good if Fist is willing to cross the shadow broker for it.No one crosses the shadow broker and gets away with it for long.In fact there's a Krogan bounty hunter in C-Sec right now that the shadow broker hired to take out Fist."

"A Krogan bounty hunter eh?" Sloane said in a most Canadian fashion, "What do you say we pay him a visit?"

** Commercial Break **

The Krogan was huge, dwarfing the human and Terrarium C-Sec pigs surrounding him."Every time I get hired to do a job here I end up spending like half a day talking with you chuckleheads," the Krogan said with a voice like a rock and roll saxophone.

"That's the guy?" Sloane asked Garrus.

"Yup.  They call him Wrex on account of how much house he wrecks.He's one of the best bounty hunters in the entire galaxy," Garrus chittered through clacking mandibles.

"Then he's our guy," Sloane said and then walked towards the hulking alien and shouted, "Yo Wrex!"

The alien turned and with a voice that sounded like an avalanche replied, "Who are you and what do ya want?"

"My name's Sloane Shepard and I hear you're gunning for a guy named Fist."

"Shepard huh?The Sloane Shepard from A-Cooze?Damn.I heard about that shit.I always pictured someone a little less soft and lot less stacked...no offense," the behemoth rumbled, "As for Fist, I probably shouldn't admit this here with all these cops around but I'm totally going wreck his shit forever."

Sloane smirked and said, "What do you say to a little team up Wrex?We're looking for Fist too.We think he might know where a girl we're looking for is."

"Alright Shepard you got yourself a deal," the Krogan grunted, "My people have a saying...the enemy of my target can be a friend."

"It's a good saying Wrex.My people having a saying too...LET'S WRECK HOUSE!"


	5. Mass Effect - S01E05 - Keep The Fist

The hansom hovercab whirred to a halt before Chanda's Den. Sloane handed the cab driver a handful of credits telling the driver to keep the change. She the. stepped out of the cab with the Terrarium cop, Garrus, and the Krogan bounty hunter, Wrex, right behind her. The cab whirred off, leaving the trio on an otherwise deserted street. The neighborhood which usually throbbed with shitty, loin shaking techno music was eerily quiet.

"Fist has an office in there," Wrex grunted pointing towards the bar with the barrel of his assault laser, "He's got a bunch of goons working for him, so don't be surprised if we have to wreck house on some jokers."

Sloane and Garrus drew their own guns and approached the strangely silent nightclub. The Terrarium cop hit the door's control panel causing the door it slid open. No sooner had the door opened a bolt of lasery goodness came streaking past them.

Sloane flattened herself against the wall as Garrus and Wrex returned fire. Wrex had been right about Fist's goons. Steeling herself Sloane pivoted into the doorway and fired her blaster. A blast of laserblast hurtled into the bar and struck a grimy looking thug in the nards.

"Ow my balls!" the thug howled. He dropped his blaster and gripped his ruined nutsack.

Sloane squeezed the trigger of her own blaster sending another bolt of laser through the air. The blast struck the thug with the ruined dong, ending his life. As the thug collapsed in a heap of being dead Sloane let out a triumphant, "YES!" and the shouted, "Garrus did you see that? I totally killed that guy!"

The Terrarium glanced back at her from the pile of corpses he had slain and smiled, or as close to a smile as a horrid praying mantis alien man could get with clacking mandibles. "That's really something Captain Shepard. Now we should really hurry if we're going to stop Fist from his nefarious plot."

Sloane agreed, though she wasn't really entirely certain what Fist's evil plan actually was. She quickly hit the control panel causing the door to Fist's office to slid open.

Almost immediately laserblasts started blasting at Sloane and her buddies. There, next to Fist's desk were a pair of tripod mounted laser blasters. Sloane and her crew returned fire, shooting the shit out of the tripods. Sloane, however, aimed rather poorly and hit Fist in the shoulder as he attempted to hide from the laser onslaught that Wrex and Garrus were blasting into his office. A moment later the tripods exploded.

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'll talk!" Fist shouted.

"Start talking Fist. Where's the Qunari?" Sloane asked angrily.

"I don't know where she is right now. She came to me with some information. Said she'd only give it to the Shadow Broker...so I arranged a meeting," Fist said meekly.

Wrex glared at the greasy scumbag and grumbled in a voice that sounded like a cinderblock being dragged across asphalt, "But that's impossible. The Shadow Broker never meets people directly. Even I was hired through one of his agents."

"Who's she meeting then Fist?" Sloane asked, her voice rising angrily, "Answer me quick and maybe I won't laser your nutsack off you bastard!"

Fist swallowed hard and said, "She's meeting some of Seville's agents in the alley behind the market. If you hurry you might still catch her."

A laser suddenly blasted through the air causing Fist's head to explode. Laser stink lines wafted from Wrex's blaster.

"What did you do that for?!" Garrus shouted angrily.

"I was paid to kill him," Wrex replied, "I killed him because it was my job."

"Don't worry about it Wrex. That fucker had it coming," Sloane said, "Now let's go we've got a Qunari to save!"

**Commercial Break**

It was a race against time as Sloane and her alien companions blasted their way out of Chandra's Den. Sometime between their last gunfight in the bar and Wrex blasting the shit out of Fist in the office the club had refilled with gun toting gangsters.

Sloane emptied her pistol into the chest of one particularly unlucky fellow and she raced towards the door. The market wasn't far from the bar, but if Seville's agents got there before she did the Qunari girl was as good as dead and with her any chance of getting the council to convict Seville of douchebaggery.

A suddenly blast of laserblast from Wrex's laser blaster blasted the remaining thugs and gangsters full of lasers. Bodies, both whole and in chunk form were hurled across the bar, their shit as completely and utterly wrecked as one's shit could be. It was not long before the pew pew of the laser blasters had fallen silent.

"C'mon dudes!" Sloane shouted, "It's a race against time and I don't want to find out what's going to happen if we can't beat the clock!"

Out onto the streets they dashed madly, dodging hansom hovercabs, Keepers, and electro music fans disappointed that Chandra's Den was closed on account of all the gunfighting that had gone down. Sloane and her companions ducked down a back alley bathed in the harsh glare of neon lights befitting a cyperpunk Mecca such as the wards.

There at the end of the alleyway Sloane caught sight of a Qunari woman clad in the gasmask and space burqa common among her people. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly a trio of battle droids emerged from the shadows and moved toward the Qunari in a threatening manner.

"Those must be Seville's goons," Sloane exclaimed, "We gotta help her!"

Sloane drew her pistol and blasted a blast of laserblast into the blasted head of one of the battle droids. The back of its head exploded just like Bam Bam Bigelow and the Qunari girl suddenly became aware that a fight had broken out in the alleyway. She gasped and pulled something from within the folds of her space burqa that she tossed towards the battle droids.

A moment later an explosion tore through the alleyway reducing the battle droids to a heap of blacked scrap metal. The girl had been saved, more or less by herself, but with the assassins in a heap of being dead, she approached Sloane and thanked her for saving her life.

"My name is Tali and I thank you for saving me," the Qunari woman said, "Though I am not entirely certain why you did."

"We heard you had some information about a very bad Terrarium named Seville," Sloane said, "We are trying to get him convicted for being a douchebag and using Cybermen to attack Eden One and thought maybe your information would help."

The Qunari nodded and said, "Probably. I found a dead Cyberman on another planet while on my Pilgrimage and pulled out his central hard drive. Usually when a cyberman dies their hard drive get destroyed, but if you know what you are doing you can recover some scraps of data. With this particular cyberman the data I obtained was a recording of Seville talking about some sci-fi Conduit of McGuffin and bringing back the Reavers."

Sloane swallowed hard. The Conduit of McGuffins? Reavers? Tali's accent? Her ass? It was a lot to take in all at once. "We should get that recording to the ambassador," she said, "With it we might finally be able to convince the Council to take action."

**Commercial Break**

The disgusting council aliens stood before Sloane, Tali, the Commander and the human Ambassador. From the blank looks upon their faces it was clear that what they had heard on Tali's recording had blown their goddamn minds. It would be impossible for them to weasel out of striping Seville the Terrarium of his spectre powers now.

After what seemed like an eternity the Terrarium counselor opened his clicking, clacking mandibles and spake, "There can be no doubt that Seville the Terrarium was responsible for the attack on Eden One and thus will be stripped of his spectre powers immediately. As for the woman speaking with him or any of that other rubbish, I cannot say."

The blue fish lady counselor looked at her companion and said, "The woman's voice I recognize as Matriarch Boob Witch. She has long been revered as one of the wisest women of my race, though what cause she has to ally herself with Seville I cannot fathom."

"What about that Conduit of McGuffin and the Reavers?" Sloane asked, "That must have been exactly what I saw in my prophetic vision back on Eden One."

The counsellors laughed and the blue fish lady replied, "The Reavers are nothing but a fairytale. If such a race as that, hellbent on destruction were truly to exist, what reason could Seville possibly have for unleashing them? It would be dumb as fuck for him to do so."

The Terrarium nodded in agreement, but said nothing. A heavy silence hung in the air.

"So that's it?" the Ambassador asked after a moment, putting an end to the uncomfortable silence, "Seville's not a spectre anymore...have a nice day?"

"What would you have us do?" asked the Terrarium.

"Do your job! Bring him in. Send cops or a fleet something," Sloane shouted.

The Terrarium sighed, "He's somewhere in the Veil. Do you know how hard it would be to find a single Terrarium in the Veil? Even if it wasn't impossible we can't very well send a fleet into the Veil! Such an act would surly cause a war between the Alliance and the Axis..."

"This is bullshit..." Sloane muttered under her breath and then said, "Fine! I'll go after him myself, since you fuckers don't seem to want to help us at all. I bet if the Cybermen attack a Terrarium colony you'd have all the fleets of the Citadel out there wrecking house on fuckers, but a human colony? Ha!"

"Do it yourself eh?" the Terrarium counselor said, "Very well." He punched something into his computer terminal and then looked up and smirked at Sloane before saying, "Congratulations Captain Sloane Shepard, you are now a spectre."

Sloane's jaw dropped. She wanted to gnash her teeth and wail so crestfallen was she, but she was a goddamn space marine, and wailing was not something she did.  Steeling herself she glared at the Terrarium douchelord cum counselor and said, "That's not what I wanted at all. I don't want to be a spectre...you fuckers tricked me!"

The Terrarium douchelord smirked sending douchechills racing down Sloane's spine.  His mandibles clacked mockingly and he replied, "Maybe we did, Spectre Shepard, maybe we did. Anyway good luck out there, you're going to need it."


	6. Mass Effect - S01E06 - The Space Car

The Commander dangled a #1 Dad keyring from his hand and sighed. "You're going to be needing these Shepard," he said meekly before placing the keys in Sloane's hand.

"Sir, I don't understand.  These are the keys to the Normandy," she said, "Why would I need your keys to the Normandy?"

"I know," the Commander replied.  There was a look of sadness in his eyes.  "You're a spectre now and are going to need a ship to hunt that stupid praying mantis man, Seville down and get some sweet payback for all us humans.  The council is still really dragging its heels on this entire thing, so who knows how long it would take for them to issue you a new ship...or get you a crew to run it.  Besides you know the Normandy...know what she can do, and you know the crew."  

"Commander...I can't," Sloane said and tried to return the keyring.

"Take her!  That's an order Shepard," the Commander said with a playful grin.

"Yes sir," Sloane said and pocketed the keyring before asking, "What about you sir?"

"Looks like it's a desk job for me!" he said, "I never thought I'd end my career pushing papers in the Citadel Embassy, but here we are.  Shepard, a lot's counting on you, but you don't have to do it alone alright?  The crew will help you the best they can, and if there's anything I can do for you, just ask alright?"

"Yes sir."

"Good luck to you then Spectre Shepard," he replied, "Humanity's counting on you."

Sloane nodded, but was unsure of where to begin her search for Seville.  "So where do I even start looking for this guy? The universe is a big ass place," she asked.

The Ambassador rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oh for God's sake," before saying, "I've sent data on possible whereabouts of Seville to your navigator.  We've also tracked down the daughter of the Boob Witch.  She might have some more information on her mother's motives for helping Seville.  I've sent coordinates to her last known location as well.  As to where to start, either of those places is probably your best bet."

"Thanks Ambassador," Sloane said.  Maybe she had been wrong about the Ambassador's level of douchebaggery.

"Yeah whatever," the Ambassador said dismissively, "Anyway I've got hella ambassading to do.  Smell you later dudes."  Sloane realized that no, her earlier decision that the Ambassador was an annoying douchelord had indeed been correct.

"I should probably bounce too," the Commander said, "Good luck to you Shepard.  The fate of all humanity is resting on your shoulders."

"I don't think it's anything so dire as that Commander."

"The fate of all humanity!" the Commander repeated and then strolled off after the douchey Ambassador.

Sloane sighed and then walked over to the Normandy, fished the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door to the Normandy. The door to her space ship.

**Commercial Break**

"Is it weird?  Being the new Commander now I mean?" Joker asked as Sloane stood beside him, "It's gotta be weird right?  'Cuz your the Commander now, but like half the crew probably remembers you as that grunt who got caught making out in the officer's lounge with Staff Sergeant What's-Her-Name during the Christmas party but now you're Commander Shepard and a spectre to boot."

Sloane groaned and said, "Ug...don't remind me of that.  I still can't believe those stupid aliens tricked me into becoming a spectre.  I was so careful while I was in the Citadel and then in the end they just kind of were like, 'Fuck all y'all we're not going to send cops or soldiers to go looking for that asshole we gave all the power to who wrecked house on your stupid human shit," and I just got so pissed off so I was all like, 'Whatever suckbags, I'll do it myself!' and the next thing I know they're like, 'Congrats you're a spectre now.'"

Joker nodded and continued adding coordinate data into the navi-computer.  Sloane doubted he had listened to her when he suddenly asked, "You going to give a speech?  New Commanders usually give speeches don't they?  You know, to pump up the crew and that sort of thing..."

"I hadn't thought about it.  You think I should?" Sloane asked.

"Might be a good idea," Joker replied, still staring at the navi-computer's screen.

Sloane sighed, and said, "Well, here goes nothing."  She pressed a button on the console and the intercom crackled to life.  "Ummm, this is Captain Shepard...your new Captain I guess.  How you doin'?  We've been tasked with finding the assfuck who wrecked house on Eden One.  The Council doesn't seem to think it worth their time or energy, so it's just going to be us, but you know what?  That's fine, because we're humans and humans kick all kinds of ass!  So let's get out there and hustle!  Let's give 110% and let's show those goddamn aliens just what humanity's made of!  HOOAH!!!"

From the bowels of the ship came a great cry of, "HOOAH!"

"Nice speech Captain," Joker said.  Sloane wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not, but she thanked him nonetheless.  "So where are we headed first?  I've got a couple different sets of coordinates that dickbag Ambassador's people uploaded as possible leads."

"We're going after the Boob Witch's daughter!" Sloane said.

Joker smirked and adjusted his Chicago Droids basewars cap.  "I figured that's what you'd say Boss," he replied and began punching data into the navi-computer, "Alright Captain, you might want to strap on... _pfff_..."

"Joker!"

He bit his lip to stop giggling and said, "Sorry Captain.  Strap on your seat belt, we're going to be making the jump to mass effect in a minute." 

Sloane sat down in her Captain's chair as Joker pulled out of the parking space and began talking to the Citadel's air traffic control.  As the ship slowly inched out of the Citadel shipyards Sloane wondered what was to come.  The first human spectre in the history of all history.  She wasn't exactly thrilled about how she'd ended up with the job to begin with, but she couldn't deny that there was a small measure of pride in being the first.  As the Normandy exited Citadel airspace and approached the gigantic, humming mass effect space dildo she came to realize that she was representing all humanity and prayed that she didn't fuck up and ruin humanities chances with the Alliance.

Joker's dulcet tones squawked over the intercom, "All crew prepare for a jump into mass effect!"  A moment later blue lightning for the mass effect space dildo kissed the Normandy and the starfield dissolved around them. 

**Commercial Break**

As the Normandy's space car's retrorockets fired Joker's voice blared over the intercom, "Yo Captain, I'm picking up some hella crazy readings, like of the chart, beyond the scale readings.  They're coming from underground."

Sloane wonder what charts and scales Joker was talking about as she replied, "Alright, we'll look into it."

They'd picked up some anomaly while orbiting the planet, one of a dozen or so in the system where the Boob Witch's daughter was last reported to have been seen, and decided to land and investigate it.  The space car touched down on the planet's surface violently.  It flipped and rolled down an embankment.  Inside the space car a klaxon blared wildly and Tali, the space Arabian shouted, "The hull's been compromised."  The space car continued to roll, coming to a rest at last at the bottom of an embankment.

"We're going to need to repair the space car if it's going to be any use to us!" Sloane shouted over the screaming sirens, "Come on Tali, we need to take a look at it."

"You're going to need someone to cover you Shepard," Ashley said, shouldering her laser assault rifle in the most Vasquez-esque fashion possible, "We've got no idea what's out there."

"You're right Ashley," Sloane replied, "Thanks."

The trio of women exited to hatch of the space car to assess the damage.  The space car was a goddamn wreck.  The hull was all smashed to shit and the wheels were somehow on fire.  Sloane was crestfallen, but Tali did not seem perturbed but the wreck and said, "I can fix this, but I'm going to need like fifteen units of omni-goop, a paperclip, and a Capri Sun."

Sloane went back into the space car to fetch the items needed while Ashley and Tali waited outside.  With her arms full of omni-goop, a single paperclip and a pouch of "Orange®" Flavored Capri Sun she once again exited the burning wreck.

"Here you go Tali.  I hope 'Orange®' is okay.  That was the only flavor we had," Sloane said as she handed the space burqa clad woman the heap of omni-goop and other items.

"It's fine," Tali said taking the items and setting to work repairing the vehicle, "You'd be surprised what we have to make do with in the floatilla."

Sloane sat beside Ashley watching the other woman work, slathering omni-goop about the hull with a Sith Army Knife that she had pulled from her pocket.  It was incredibly slow going, but in time Tali had repaired the bulk of the damage.  She then attached the "Orange®" Capri Sun and her beverage intake valve and let out an "Ahhh..." of refreshment before saying, "The space car is as good as new.  We can carry on to investigate that anomaly that man with the sexy voice told us about."

Ashley laughed, "You think Joker sounds sexy?"

"Yes, his voice at least.  I have never seen the fellow, so I don't know if he is well formed or not.  I doubt it though.  There are very few of your kind I find attractive in that way...no offense.  I mean you humans are better looking than the Korgans and the Terrariums, but I've never seen one that I'd be willing to take off my anti-bacterial space burqa for."

"That makes sense I guess," Ashley said.

"Okay you two, let's get back in the space car," Sloane interjected, "Like you said Ashley, we don't have any idea what's out here."

The three women climbed back into the newly repaired space car, and Sloane turned the engine back on.  As the space car trundled forward there was a suddenly laser blast from somewhere.  It was a direct hit.  Klaxons screamed and sirens wailed as flames filled the interior of the space car.  Sloane had failed; completely and utterly.  She had failed her crew.  She failed her mission.  She'd failed humanity, and as she burned to death her last thought was, "Fuck this fucking space car."

**The End**


	7. Mass Effect - S01E07 - The Giant Robot

Sloane awoke with a start, gasping for breath.  Sweat poured from her brow as she, in a panic, glanced about, her eyes wide with terror.  She had died; burned to death in a space car on some desolate brown planet.  She remembered dying, but a sterile room with LED lights glaring down upon her with banks of beeping computers and machinery lining the walls matched no description of the afterlife she'd ever heard of.  There were supposed to be clouds and harps, or more likely in Sloane's case flames and ironic punishments.

"You're finally awake," a familiar voice said, "We weren't sure you were going to make it.  It seemed that you'd gotten the worst of it."

Sloane turned her head to see Doctor Chocolate walking towards her.  She quickly realized that she was back aboard the Normandy, but had no idea how that was even possible.  She was certain she'd died in that space car.  She'd seen her life play out before her and felt it come to an end as the laser blast sundered the space car and the flames washed over her body.

"How?" Sloane asked, her voice cracking, "How am I here? I died. I know I did."

"I don't know the specifics of the mission to rescue you and the others beyond the basics.  After we'd lost contact with the space car, a second party was sent down to the surface.  Kaidan and those two gross aliens...the Korgan and the Terrarium went down and retrieved your bodies and brought them back to the ship.  You were, in the strictest medical terms, totally fucked, but I was able to regenerate your organs and the use the ship's bacta tank heal you less severe injuries."

"What about the others?" Sloane asked, "Ashley and Tali?"

"Ashley is still in the bacta tank, but is expected to make a full recovery.  Tali's injuries were surprisingly minor and she has been up and about for a week already," Doctor Chocolate said.

"Thanks Doc Choc," Sloane said and stood slowly, but very nearly collapsed.

"Woah woah woah!" Doctor Chocolate shouted, "Where do you think, you're going Missy?  You just recovered from being dead, you're not getting out of bed until I say you can."

Sloane sighed and said, "Any idea of when that will be?  I've got a goddamn praying mantis man to capture and a universe to save."

"Right after the time jump that happens when we return from commercial break," Doctor Chocolate replied.

**Commercial Break**

The Space Car bounced about as if the surface of the planet was made entirely out of inflatable bouncy castles.  As the space car bounced up into the air, Sloane pulled hard on the steering wheel causing the space car to cartwheel through the air.

"Sick 1080° brah," Ashley said as the space car slammed back down to the ground, "It's totally weird to be in here again isn't it?  I mean, the last time we were here we totally died and shit."

"I didn't actually die in this space car," Tali said, "I was just in a coma for a couple days, but yes, it is kind of weird to be riding around in here."

The space car continued bounding across the dull brown landscape when suddenly and quite without warning a blast of laser blast blasted by the space car.  Visions of burning to death in a space car filled Sloane's mind as another blast blasted closer to the trundling space car.  She turned the steering wheel back and forth wildly trying to evade the laser blasts blasting all up in her area.  As the space car flipped and rolled across the brown planetary terrain, Ashley unleashed a blast of return laser blast, blasting the shit out of an AT-ST clomping about off in the distance.  It totally exploded and shit.

"Nice shooting Ashley!" Sloane exclaimed as she floored the space car towards a pile of cybermen uzi specialists off in the distance blasting space uzis at the space car.

The space car barreled forward as uzi specialists fired uzis and another AT-ST clomped toward them.  Sloane floored in, sending the space car slamming into the uzi specialists.  In the distance the AT-ST's laser cannon began to glow.  Sloane cursed under he breath and threw the space car into reverse, rolling over the dying uzi specialists and she sped backwards away from the mighty cannon blast.  One hit from that and they'd surely be dead again.  The space car bounced and shook as it hurtled backwards across the uneven brown terrain, but Ashley had nerves of steel or possible access to the force, for she pulled the trigger on the space car's laser blaster and sent a blast screaming towards the AT-ST, striking it right in the fuel intake valve.  A massive explosion ripped the AT-ST asunder sending robochunks all over the goddamn place.

"Cybermen on the surface...there must be something important here," Sloane said as the dust cleared, "We gotta be on our toes."

The space car rolled across the weird, alien landscape, encountering a few more heaps of Cybermen bazooka joes and uzi specialists that were either put on blast by Ashley or totally run over by Sloane in the space car.  After what seemed like an eternity they came to a narrow pass.  Try as she might, Sloane could not get the space car through the pass and to make matters even worse the Dragon Radar was totally jammed up.  With a sigh she said, "I guess we're walking."

_JAMMED!!!!_

The trio readied their guns and hopped out of the space car and began to walk across the horrible brown landscape.  "Be careful where you step," Sloane offered, "some of these brown patches will probably kill us dead.  Remember how badly they fucked up the Space Car before we died last time?  I'd hate to find out what would happen if we accidentally stepped in one of them."

Tali and Ashley both nodded in agreement, but before they could take a single step, shots rang out.  "Yo!  They shootin' at me!" Ashley screamed.  She dove behind the space car and readied her laser assault rifle.

"Yo Ashley...Tali...check out what I can do," Sloane said as the space bullets whizzed by.  She wiggled her fingers and said, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and a space magic force field appeared.  Ashley gave her a thumbs up and said, "Nice," before popping up from behind the space car and ruining the cybermen gunrunners' shit forever.  They were all smoking chunks and wires and shit when Ashley was finished with them.

"AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Ashley shouted triumphantly.

"Guys, with all these cybermangs lurking about there's gotta be something dickfuckin' awesome nearby," Sloane said, "Let's get guns and go check it out what's going on up this hill."

And so up the hill the three women went: the space lesbian, the space racist, and the space Arabian.  Three vastly different women brought together by a shared common goal of finding out what the fuck was going on atop the hill which stood before them.  The brown patches of the weirdly alien landscape crunched beneath their space boots as the scaled the brownish heap of space rocks.  Onward and upward they traveled.  It was a metaphor as their struggle as women to find acceptance in a yet male dominated society and then an airplane flew overhead dropping a giant robot on them...just like society trying to keep women down.

Sloane dove for cover behind a conveniently located space crate as the giant robot unleashed a giant last blast that struck Tali and caused the space Arabian to crumble to a pig's stick house under a wolf's huffing and puffing.  That didn't bode well for her own chances of survival.  Sloane took a deep breath and said the magic words, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," summoning a space magic force field that surrounded her and Ashley.  The space racist nodded approvingly and leaped out to blast the ever loving shit out of the cyberman froggers and cyberman uzi specialists that were uziing it up and froggering all over the place, but a second later a giant blast from the giant robot's giant laser slammed into Ashley and she too collapsed in a heap of being knocked the fuck out at the very least, but more likely totally dead.

"Oh fuck.  Oh fuck.  Oh fuck," Sloane muttered as a giant blast exploded against the space crate.  She waited a moment for the residual electro-poppin' from the laser blast to subside, and then steeling herself, Sloane stepped out from behind the crate and fired two shots.

"BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" went the shotgun as two poisoned bullets sped across the brown landscape, striking the giant robot in its robocrotch.

The giant robot let out a giant scream and then exploded into 10,382.932 pieces.  Sloane could not believe she'd done it, but her joy was short lived.  Her crew members were probably dead.  She rushed over to Tali and knelled down beside her.  What could she even do?  Qunari immune systems were royal fucked, so if Sloane rolled up Tali's sleeve to apply some medi-goop or took off her space gas mask to give her mouth to mouth she'd probably die anyway.  

As Sloane racked her brain for a solution Tali coughed and said, "Hey Shepard.  What's up?" as she sat up slowly.

"Tali!  You're alive!"

The Qunari nodded, "I was lucky.  That laser seemed to just be a stun beam...but thank you for your concern Shepard.  You are one of the best."

Nearby a similarly stunned Ashley also sat up and sacastically and racistly muttered to herself, "Oh yeah...one of the best...lousy Shepard checks the gasmasker before she checks on one of her own..."

The three women regrouped and looked around there surroundings.  Sloane quickly realized that they were in an Ancient Alien ruins and moreover there was an open door leading down deeper into the ruins.  "Guys that must be where the underground anomaly Joker was yapping about while the space car fell onto the planet is," Sloane said as the dramatic music built to a crescendo and the camera cut to a close up of her face.

**Commercial Break**

****

Down the shaft the elevator went clacking.  It was an old elevator and Sloane hoped it held long enough to make it down to the bottom of the shaft.  After 23 days the elevator rumbled to a stop.  Almost instantly laser blasts exploded all around them.  Sloane popped off two shots from her shotgun, wrecking house on a cyberman who was unfortunately one day away from retirement.  He wasn't going to make it.  A moment later all the cybermen were cyberdead and Sloane's crew sallied forth to inspect the ruins.

"Halp.  Please halp," a disinterested voice came wafting from somewhere deeper in the ruins.

"Someone needs help," Sloane said, "We should help them maybe."

Tali and Ashley agreed that helping whoever it was that needed help was a good idea and so the women progressed deeper into the space dungeon to see what they could see.  What they saw was a blue woman trapped behind some kind of space magic force field.

"Were you just yelling, 'Halp.  Halp?'" Sloane asked.

The blue woman affecting a look of disinterest replied, "Well...yelling is a rather strong turn of phrase is it not, but to answer the question I believe you were attempting to ask; yes, I do require assistance.  I was here in these ruins, the same ruins in which we currently find ourselves now, when the cybermen arrived I hid myself in here.  Unfortunately I quite accidentally activated this magical force field and now find myself trapped."

"Wait a second...you are doing archaeology, and you're one of those blue ladies...are you Boob Witch's daughter?" Sloane asked suddenly remembering the reason they'd actually landed on this godforsaken brown patch of a planet.

"Yes, my name is Doctor T-Shawna and the Matriarch is my mother," replied the trapped blue lady.

"Word.  Alright.  We're going to save you because we need to ask you some questions about your mom, and it's hard to do an interrogation down in some ruins," Sloane replied, "Hang tight Dr. T, we'll have you out of there in two shakes of a puppy dog's tail."

Doctor T-Shawna appeared confused and replied, "I must admit I find Earthly humor rather perplexing, but I thank you for your offer of assistance nonetheless.  I beg you to be cautious though, the cybermen appeared to have a Krogan bounty hunter with them.  I am certain you are aware of how violent the Krogan can be."

Sloane just shrugged and mumbled, "Whateves.  We'll be back in a second."

Sloane and her crew headed down into the ruins and were instantly ambushed by more cybermen.  Sloane had had just about enough of their shit and blasted the shit out of their shit with her shotgun and then looked around.  "Aw ye ye...this is some kind of excavation site.  This mining laser should be able to get us into that force field room," Sloane exclaimed as she caught sight of a mining laser pointed right at the back wall of the room she needed to get into.  She wondered if the cybermen she'd wrecked house on were attempting to do the same thing.  She shrugged and powered up the laser and blasted a wall.

"AW YE YE!" Ashley exclaimed as the wall exploded in a heap of rocks and rubble and after the dust cleared the three women slipped through the tumbled down wall and found themselves face to face with Doctor T-Shawna.

"Doctor T, consider yourself rescued," Sloane said.  The floor suddenly shook violently.  "Shit, that doesn't seem good," Sloane exclaimed.

"What did you do to get in here?" Doctor T asked in a most comatose manner.

"Shot a mining laser at the wall," Sloane said shrugging her shoulders.

"Uh oh.  These ruins are rather unstable.  We should probably hasten out of here," Doctor T replied, sounding utterly bored.

"Fuck," Sloane muttered and then got on her cellphone and dialed Joker, "Yo Joker we done goofed down here.  We need an evac pronto."

"You got it boss.  ETA 8 minutes...hang tight alright?" Joker's melodic voice squawked over the intercom.

Eight minutes until Joker arrived.  Who knew how long the ruins would hold.  Sloane and her companions hauled ass to an elevator and jumped into it, but before they could activate it a Krogan and a heap of cybermen showed up and started jawing.  

"I got paid big money to bring this BITCH in..." the Krogan grumbled, his voice sounding like a hung over Macho Man Randy Savage, as he pointed at Doctor T, "So hand her over and you ladies can fuck off for all I care.  I got no beef with you."

"No.  You can't have her, anyway this entire building is about to collapse so if you want to live you might want to get out of here," Sloane replied.

The Krogan laughed, a disgusting guttural laugh that sounded like cement slabs, and drew his laser gun and shouted, "KILL 'EM ALL!!!"

Time seemed to slow down as Sloane drew her own gun and took aim, blasting a cyberman right in his cybercock.  The robot flew backwards and smashed into a wall.  A blast streaked by her head as Sloane ducked and mumbled "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and a barrier sprung up around her.  She took aim at the Krogan firing a single poisoned bullet at the King Koopa lookalike, hitting him squarely in the crotch region, but the Krogan just chuckled, and tapped his crotch with the barrel of his gun before smirking and saying, "Bulletproof codpiece."

Sloane smirked and pullet the trigger of her gun.  "BOOYAH!" went the shotgun as a bullet screamed forward piercing the Krogan in the head.  "Too bad you didn't have bulletproof sunglasses asshole," she said with a smirk and then she turned to her posse and screamed, "THIS WHOLE PLACE IS COMING DOWN!  C'MON!"

The elevator groaned upward as beneath them the lower levels of the ruins collapsed in a most Michael Bayian fashion.  At the top the doors creaked open and Sloane and her companions leapt out into the open airlock door of the Normandy.  As the ship rose into the air, the ruins collapsed into a heap of rumble and dust, but that didn't matter.  They'd saved Doctor T-Shawna, Matriarch Boob Witch's daughter.  Finally they'd get some answers about plot!


	8. Mass Effect - S01E08 - Hostage Crisis!

The hologram of the Councilors back in the Citadel flickered a moment before the Terrarium finally spoke.

"We received your mission report and are, quite frankly, more than a little disappointed. An entire Ancient Alien ruin utterly destroyed due to your rash actions! Who knows what untold knowledge has been forever lost because you decided to shoot a mining laser at a load bearing wall," the Terrarium clicked disappointedly, "And what's more you have taken Matriarch Boob Witch's daughter on to your ship! Are you mad?! Who knows where her alliances truly lie?"

"It's true that Doctor T is annoying as fuck, yes, but I don't think she's working for Seville or her mother. She's claimed to have not spoke with her mother in years and I, for one, am inclined to believe her. That being said, she does know a shit ton about Ancient Aliens so she might be a valuable asset in the weeks to come," Sloane said.

The Terrarium counselor scowled and harrumphed disgruntledly, "Be that as it may, just know that we are watching you Shepard and you are already skating on thin ice!"

"I thought Spectres were above the law and could do whatever they feel like," Sloane replied sarcastically, "Anyway I've got a war criminal to track down so unless you've got anything else to say I'm out."

The horn alien cleared his throat and said, "There is one other thing, a member of space parliament was kidnapped by bionic terrorists. They're holding him hostage on a freighter near your current location. We need you to take care of this situation."

Sloane sighed and rolled her eyes before she sarcastically said, "I'll add it to my to do list."

The horn alien clapped his hands and said, "Wonderful! I've already taken the liberty of sending the coordinates to your chief navigator."

Before Sloane had a chance to say anything else, the Terrarium councilor scowled and spat, "That will be all Shepard. End transmission!"

The holograms instantaneously faded from sight and Sloane found herself, once again, alone in the communication room. She wondered if Spectres could get away with punching a councilor in the face.

**Commercial Break**

"Captain's log Stardate October 22, 3403.  We have received reports of a group of bionic terrorists who have kidnapped a member of Parliament and are holding him hostage on a ship in the Farfisa System, the MSV Ontario.  The Normandy, being the closest Alliance vessel to the Farfisa System has been tasked with putting an end to this hostage crisis," Sloane clicked off her data recorder and leaned back in her commander's chair as the ship came out of mass effect drive.  This was not going to be an easy mission to deal with as she, herself, was a bionic.  Her own abilities were rather limited, but she understood a lot of the hardships bionics faced.  Perhaps if she hadn't joined the Space Marines she could have just as easily become a bionic terrorist like those on the MSV Ontario.

The Normandy came out of mass effect and from her position, Sloane saw the MSV Ontario in the distance.  It was a barge, so approaching the ship for boarding would not prove to be a problem, but once inside?  She stood and hoisted her shotgun.  Sloane hoped that she wouldn't need to use it, but if push came to shove, suckers were going to get smote.  The Normandy flew closer to the looming barge and Sloane prepared to board the vessel.  It had been decided that she, Ashley, and Tali would be in the boarding party since the three of them were the best suited to wreck house on sucka MCs if it came down to a gun battle.

As Sloane headed toward the airlock, Ashley fell in next to her, her laser assault rifle at the ready.  "You think we'll get to merc any bionics?" she asked, "They're nearly as bad as the aliens."

Sloane turned towards the gunnery sergeant and frowned.  "You know I'm a bionic right?  I mean you saw me do space magic like three days ago didn't you?"

"Oh shit for reals?  I thought that was just a feature of that weird transparent orange Power Glove thing you wear," she said, "I didn't know that was magic.  Oh man...I feel like such an asshole now.  Fuck!  Can I get a do over?  Like we just pretend this conversation never happened?"

 

_Space Magic!_

"I suppose so," Sloane replied, "We've got more important things to deal with anyway, namely saving some politician guy from certain doom aboard a freighter with a bunch of angry bionics.  Just...I dunno, think before you say really offensive things next time, alright?"

"Yes ma'am."

Tali was already waiting in the airlock, her pistol drawn and a shotgun slung over her shoulder. "Hey Shepard...what's up?" she asked, "They told me to get my guns and meet you here."

"Rescue mission.  Bionic terrorists have a member of parliament and are holding him hostage.  We go in and save the parliament member," Sloane said.

There was a slight vibration in the floor as the Normandy forcibly docked on the Ontario and the sound of metal grinding as they forced the Ontario's airlock open.  None knew what lie in wait behind the door and the tension was palpable.  After a few seconds or maybe centuries, Tali cast a nervous glance at Sloane and in a meek voice asked, "Are we bad enough dudes to save the parliament member?"

"I hope so Tali.  God I hope so."

**Commercial Break**

Sloane crouched like a tiger behind an overlarge space crate in the cargo hold of the Ontario, her shotgun clenched tight in her hand.  She peered around the corner but saw nothing.  Since boarding the Ontario she had seen neither hide nor hair of the bionic terrorist that were apparently aboard the ship.  A thought came to her: perhaps they had evacuated the ship on a smaller craft.  If that were indeed the case the possibility of ever finding Parliamentarian Brown alive again was slim to none.

An unfamiliar voice suddenly called out, "Abra, abra cadabra!  I WANNA REACH OUT AND GRAB YA!" and an invisible hand quite suddenly grabbed hold of Sloane and threw her bodily across the cargo hold before it dictated market prices via supply and demand.  So much for the terrorists escaping on a smaller space ship.

Sloane found herself unable to move, held in the invisible hand's grasp as the sounds of battle raged all around her.  From her position she heard Ashley's space machine spit hot laser fire all over the cargo hold as she shouted, "AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!!"  Tali's voice came over the helmet's communication system telling Ashley that Sloane was down and needed help, but Ashley didn't seem too concerned and continued to shoot laser guns at the bionic terrorists lurking in the cargo hold.  Sloane swore to herself that if she got out of this entire thing alive, Ashley was getting benched on the next mission.

The invisible hand suddenly released Sloane from its grasp and she leaped to her feet, her shotgun ready to to blast some suckers.  A sucker soon appeared as a bionic, glowing blue with bionics, rounded the corner and stood before her, but before the bionic had the chance to utter even a single space magic word, Sloane's shotgun hollered, "BOOYAH!" blasting the sucker's head clean off his shoulders, but Sloane did not pause, even for a moment, instead wheeling around and catching sight of another bionic rushing towards her.  Again, Sloane took aim and pulled the trigger.  "BOOYAH!" screamed the shotgun as the laser bullet rushed forward, catching the bionic in the jolly sack.  "Ouch my balls!" the bionic screamed and then died.

Sloane realized that the sounds of battle had died down and an eerie silence filled the cargo hold, but before Sloane and her crewmates could celebrate their great victory, the intercom speakers in the cargo hold assailed them with a blast of feedback before a voice intoned, "Maybe you bested those goons in the hold, but you'll never make it here in time.  In three minutes we're killing this fool!"

"We haven't a moment to lose!" Sloane exclaimed, "Let's haul ass ladies!"

She and her posse busted out of the cargo hold and into a hallway.  Sloane glanced at her Dragon Radar and located the blip that represented Parliamentarian Brown.  "This way!" she said and headed down a corridor in the direction of the blip on the radar.  A moment later she found herself in a barracks.  The parliamentarian was kneeling before an angry looking bionic that was holding a laser gun the the parliamentarian's head.

"Not another step or this guy get it!" the angry bionic growled.

"Dude this isn't the way," Sloane said, "Let the parliamentarian go."

"Let him go?" the bionic scoffed, "Did you know this asshole voted no on Space Prop 392.1 which would have paid reparations to L2s who couldn't work because of the shit being a bionic did to them...things the government allowed to happen?"

The parliamentarian seemed to be on the verge of tears as he said, "I had no idea how bad it was for all y'all until after you kidnapped me.  I promise if you let me go I will spend my remaining time in parliament working to make sure you and your people are taken care of."

"You had your chance mang!" the bionic said and pushed the barrel of the gun up against Parliamentarian Brown's temple.

"C'mon man, this isn't going to help anything.  You think some other politician is going to go to bat for bionic's rights after you waste one of them?  Brown said he'd work to protect our rights...he's all we've got right now."

"'Our rights.'  Listen to this chick!" the bionic exclaimed.  His companions laughed.

Sloane sighed and said, "Listen asshole, I'm a bionic too alright."  She then said the space magic words, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and summoned a space magic barrier that surrounded her.  "If you let him go, I'll make sure he keeps his word alright.  I'm a spectre and not even a parliamentarian can tell me what to do."

The bionic nodded and the lowered his gun.  "Alright...you're right I guess.  Killing him isn't going to fix shit.  Sorry for kidnapping you and putting a gun to your head mang."

"It's alright," Parliamentarian Brown said and then turning towards Sloane asked, "So what now?"

Sloane shrugged and then took out her cellphone and called Joker.  "Hey man can you contact the fleet and have them send a frigate out here to pick up some prisoners and the Parliamentarian?"

"You got it boss," came Joker's reply.

"Alright.  So...um...a frigate's on route, don't kill each other or anything okay?" Sloane said, "I'm outta here."

And with that Sloane and her companions made their way off the Ontario and back onto the Normandy and as the ship flew off to further adventure, Sloane nodded to herself approvingly and said, "Mission accomplished."


	9. Mass Effect - S01E09 - Zhu's Revenge

"Captain's Log.  Stardate October 49, 3403.  We have received word of a Cyberman attack on the human colony of Zhu's Revenge.  The colony is not particularly large or resource rich, so what precisely the Cybermen could want is at present a mystery. As Gunnery Sergeant Ashley is still confined to quarters for not voicing concern about my well being when I was attacked by bionics on the Ontario, the Korgan, Wrex Da'House will be accompanying Tali and myself ashore to investigate the settlement and determine precisely why the Cybermen have attacked," Sloane stopped her voice recorder and stood, pulling he body armor on over her regulation space marine underwear.

Joker's voice blasted from the intercom, "Captain we're making our final approach to Feros.  ETA ten minutes.  I'm picking up a lot of Cyberman radio chatter down there.  Sounds like you're going to have your work cut out for you."

"Thanks Joker," Sloane said and then picking up her shotgun made her way to the airlock.

Tali and Wrex were already there waiting for her.  Wrex's large King Koopa-esque frame was festooned with all manner of guns and he looked happier than Sloane recalled him looking since he had joined her band of merry misfits.  With a broad smile on his face Wrex said, "Thanks for giving me a chance to get in the shit boss.  I can't wait to put some cybermen fucks on blast.  I know you usually take that one chick with you for this kind of shit...the one with the ass...Ass Lee or something like that.  How come she's not coming today?"

"Ashley, Wrex...her name is Ashley, and she's being confined to quarters for insubordination right now," Sloane replied.

"Well her loss is my gain," Wrex said as the ship touched down.

"Alright guys," Sloane said, "There's a heap of cybermen out there and some colonists under heavy fire, so let's get out there, give it 110% and save Zhu's Revenge!  Hoo ah!"

Tali and Wrex repeated, "Hoo ah," as the airlock hissed open.  In an instant, Sloane and her teammates came under heavy fire from cyberman Bazooka Joes.  "Booyah!  Booyah!" Sloane's shotgun screamed as a pair of shells howled out of the barrel.  The cybermen's heads exploded, spraying circuits and wires against the wall.  If the cybermen had already taken the spaceport what chance did the settlement at Zhu's Revenge stand.

With a quickness, Sloane and her crew of house wreckers made their way to Zhu's Revenge and sure enough, cybermen were already all up in the settlement's grill.  The settlers were putting up some resistance, but it was clear that they were just space farmers and space craftsmen, not space gunners and wouldn't last long against an army of well programmed cyberman gun runners and uzi specialists, so Sloane threw herself into combat with reckless abandon, her shotgun screaming furiously as she blasted the shit out of the cybermen invaders. Random electronic chunks flew everywhere as the cybermen were utterly destroyed, but more came to take their place.  Tali and Wrex handled themselves admirably, lasering the fuck out of the invading robots, and it wasn't long before Zhu's Revenge's commons were heaped high with circuit boards and wires.

There was a brief lull in the fighting and Doug Zhu, Chief Settler of Zhu's Revenge, approached Sloane and her crew.  "Much obliged for the assist against these fucking cybermans, but it's not going to to us any good.  They've got a base...dug themselves into the X.O. Jenny Corp building real good and it won't be long before another wave of these fuckers come rolling up into town."

"You have any idea what they want?" Sloane asked, "No offense but you're way the fuck out in the boonies here.  You're not exactly a crucial military target."

"I haven't got a clue," Doug Zhu replied, "Maybe something about whatever it was that X.O. Jenny Corp was researching?  I don't really know though, I'm just a simple space farmer really."

Sloane sighed with exasperation and said, "I guess I'll go check out the X.O. Jenny building then."

"Great!" Doug Zhu exclaimed excitedly, "Take the lift up to the space highway.  We've got a space car in the garage that you can use."

And so Sloane and her companions set off towards the elevator, passing several settlers who eyed them suspiciously.  "That's pretty weird," Tali said, "You'd think they'd be happy that they aren't getting attacked, but all the settlers are scowling angrily."

Sloane noticed it too.  All about her settlers and colonists alike scowled angrily.  Those she spoke with were short with her, and avoided answering her questions, telling her to speak with Chief Settler Doug Zhu instead.  It seemed that they were hiding something; some terrible secret, but just how terrible that secret was Sloane could not even begin to fathom.

**Commercial Break**

_Gajung! Kaboosh! Gajung! Kaboosh!_ Cannon fire from the space car tore through the cyberman blockade, sending barricades and cyberman parts careening through the air and dashing against the space highway. The space car rumbled over the wreckage of dead and dying cybermen that littered the space highway smashing through cybermen barricades with ease.  The space car seemed to handle a lot better on space highways than it did offroad much to Sloane's delight.  Also to her delight?  The fact that whoever had last driven the space car in which she presently found herself had left a kickass mix tape in the tape deck.

Sloane was rocking out so hard to Bananarama's "Cruel Summer," that she nearly missed the faint crackle of static on the space car's com system followed by a distorted voice saying, "Hello? Hello? Is there someone out there?" followed by another voice shouting, "Turn that com off!"

"Tali, you're computers and technology, do you think you could triangulate that communication and get a location for us?" Sloane asked.

The qunari woman nodded and said, "Of course Shepard, just give me a minute okay?"  Sloane watched as Tali punched data into her glowing Power Glove and the space car's onboard navigator display began to ping.  A moment later Tali looked up and said, "It seems to be coming from over there in that off ramp."

"Wrex, take us down," Sloane said and the space car rumbled forward.  Wrex drove it about halfway down the ramp before he brought the space car to a stop.

"I can get us down a little further than this, but getting out will be a pain in the dick," he said, "It's probably better to just walk the rest of the way.  I don't want to get that thing wedged in some rubble if it turns out to be a trap."

The Krogan had a point and so Sloane and her crew hopped out of the space car with guns in hand and proceeded down the off ramp towards the ruins of a once great stretch of space highway only to find a group of humans dressed in fancy uniforms.  Some had guns, but none of them seemed to be military.  An older woman emerged from the crowd and was all like, "Oh thank god you've come! I was beginning to think that the X.O. Jenny Corp head office would never send help."

"You've got it all wrong," Sloane said, "I'm not with X.O. Jenny Corp, I'm just a lady who hates cybermen. Do you have any idea what they could have wanted here? I heard they set up base in your office buildings."

"I haven't a clue.  We were doing research on a plant, indigenous to this planet...we never found anything that would be of any value to cybermen though," the older lady said.

"Shut up Debbie!" a middle-aged Asian dude in a X.O. Jenny Corp uniform suddenly interjected, "She just said she's not with the head office, she has no business knowing confidential X.O. Jenny Corp information."

"And you are?" Sloane asked, her voice the epitome of annoyed.

"Jung.  Just Jung.  I'm the regional supervisor here, and you can't go in the X.O. Jenny offices!  You don't have the security clearance."

"Dude, I'm a fucking Spectre," Sloane said, "I can go wherever the fuck I want and there's nothing you can do to stop me, you dig?  In case you haven't noticed, there's a goddamn cyberman invasion and they are using your offices as a stronghold.  I'm going in and stopping them to save the colonists and all y'all."

"The colonists are still alive?" Jung asked in surprise, "I would have thought they'd have been overrun in the first wave of cybermen."

"They're holding out, but just barely Sloane replied, "Maybe you should go wait with them.  You'd all stand a better chance of surviving if you combined your manpower and meager resources."

"Uh...I think we'll just wait here," Just Jung answered, "We don't have any space cars, so we'd be easy pickings if we were to just hike down the space highway to Zhu's Revenge."

Sloane shrugged and replied, "Whatever dude.  We're going now."

She turned and began to walk toward the space car, Debbie called out, "Miss Spectre ma'am, if it's not too much trouble could you look for my daughter, Miss Eliza-bit?  She never made it out of the office complex, but I'm certain she's still alive."  Jung scoffed like the fucking douchiest douchebag ever but stopped when Sloane cast a withering gaze upon him.

"If I find her, I'll bring her back here," Sloane replied, now if you'll excuse me I have an office building to break into."

**Commercial Break**

The force field glowed and pulsed like a glowing, pulsating thing.  Tali took one look at it and said, "Yup.  Standard issue Cyberman tactics: take over an office building and then set up force fields so no one can get in.  They're probably being powered by the ship, so we'll have to find a way to disable the entire Cyberman ship if we want to get through here."

Sloane scratched her chin in thought and said, "There's gotta be another way into this building."

"We could try going through a sewer," Tali offered, "They don't always seal off the pipes and access tunnels beneath an office building.  They haven't been here long, so there's still a chance we can find an open one."

Fortune smiled upon Sloane and they found a crumbled bit of parking lot that dropped down into the building's sewer.  No sooner had their boots touched the muck of the sewer were they attacked by a gang of raptors.  Teeth and claws greeted Sloane and her friends and they returned the greeting with shotgun fire.  The bullets tore the raptors apart sending raptor meat splattering against the sewer tunnel walls.  Stupid dinosaurs were no match for a Spectre, a Krogan mercenary, and a teenage qunari technology specialist.

As the raptor chunks cooled a woman emerged from an recession she had been hiding in.  She wore a dirty X.O. Jenny Corp uniform and carried a rather outdated blaster pistol.  Upon seeing Sloane, the woman burst into tears.  "Oh thank god.  I thought that maybe you were a cyberman!  You have no idea how glad I am to see you!"

"Are you Miss Eliza-bit?" Sloane asked, "Your mother was looking for you."

"My mom?  She's alive?  Oh you don't know how relieved I am to hear that."

"You work here right?" Sloane asked.

"Yeah."

"You have any idea what the Cybermen would want here?" Sloane asked.

Miss Eliza-bit glanced around, "The only thing we found here was some weird sentient plant thing called a thorian.  The researchers here were working on something with it, but I don't really know what, or why cybermen would be interested in something like that."

Sloane nodded and was all like, "That makes some sense I suppose.  Anyway I gotta go disable some force fields, you hang tight down here okay?"

Miss Eliza-bit replied, "That's cool.  Here, take my X.O. Jenny Corp employee badge.  This should get you past some of the security.  There's a door over there that should take you into the main building."

"Aw ye ye!" Sloane exclaimed as she hung the employee badge lanyard around her neck and then headed to the door.

As soon as she placed the keycard up against the door it slid open revealing a heap of cybermen lying in wait.  "Oh fuck!" Sloane exclaimed as she rolled out of the way and pulled her shotgun.  She then put the cybermen on blast, sending a heap of cybernetics sprawling across the floor.  Easy kills.  She was certain though that the cream of the crop would be guarding something more important than an access door into the sewers.  They'd need to be careful.  Hecka careful.

Up a flight of stairs they went until after awhile they heard a voice bellowing like a rock n' roll saxophone, "JUST TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT COMPUTER!"  Sloane peered around a corner to see that a Krogan decked out in wargear and battle accouterments was attempting to reason with the building's central computer.

"You lack the proper clearance to access that information, now please step aside for you are holding up the line," the computer replied.

"WHAT LINE?!" bellowed the Krogan in all his combat finery.  He turned and caught sight of Sloane and her posse and drew his blaster, but before he had a chance to pull the trigger, Sloane's shotgun screamed, "BOOYAH!" as it removed the Krogan mercenary's face.

With the Krogan bleeding to death in the corner of the room from shotgun blasts to the face, Sloane stepped to the central computer and placed the keycard on the slot and intoned, "Yo what's up computer?  What did that Krogan try to ask about?"

"The Krogan wished to access data about Specimen #29: the thorian," the flickering computer terminal stated.

"Tell me everything about the thorian."

"The thorian is a sentient plant that has some measure of telepathy.  It is big ass and it's roots span the entire planet, but have the greatest concentration near Zhu's Revenge.  X.O. Jenny Corp is currently testing the effects of the thorian on the colonists at Zhu's Revenge.  Had you not been placed on probation you would know that presently the infection rate is 80% among the colonists.  Specimen #29 has been earmarked for possible military use."

"Oooooh...so that's why everyone was weird as fuck back in Zhu's Revenge," Tali said, "They were all brainwashed.  I thought for awhile it was just because my people created the cybermen that were wrecking their town and fucking up their crops.  You don't know how relieved I am."

Sloane asked the computer, "Computer can you remind me why I'm on probation?  Me...umm...Miss Eliza-bit!"

"A strange question to be certain, but you were placed on probation for voicing your disapproval of the experiment being carried out upon the settlers of Zhu's Revenge regarding the mind control capabilities of Specimen #29: The Thorian," the computer said in a mechanical voice.

"Son of a bitch...she lied to me," Sloane muttered under her breath, "Uh...thank you computer, that will be all."  She motioned for Tali and Wrex to follow here and once she and her crew were out of earshot of the central computer she said, "Guys, we've been getting the run around.  X.O. Jenny Corp has known all along what is going on with the colonists, and if you ask me a plant that can control minds seems like a pretty reasonable thing for Seville and the cybermen to try and steal.  So let's go fuck these cybermen up and then go have a word with Just Jung, the regional director of X.O. Jenny Corp..."

**To Be Continued...**


	10. Mass Effect - S01E10 - The Thorian & The Brain Fuckler

From the staircase upon which she crouched, Sloane Shepard could see a giant cyberman spaceship's claw hand  grappled to the floor of the X.O. Jenny Corp building, some 90 stories up from the surface.  Before the great claw hand knelt a pair of cybermen gunrunners praying to a Lite-Brite before them.

_"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."_

Sloane gripped her shotgun and with nerves of steel and a decided lack of religious tolerance rose from where she sat crouched and squeezed the trigger of her gun twice in rapid succession.  With a resounding cry of "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" a pair of shotgun shells screamed forward, shattering the domes of the two praying cybermen.  Electronic guts sprayed across the Lite-Brite and the cybermen gunrunners crumpled in a heap.

"Mighty fine shooting Shepard," Wrex said as the trio made their way down the stairs to where the now destroyed cybermen had been worshiping.

"Thanks Wrex," she replied appreciatively, "We still need to find a way to turn off the power from this ship to shut down their force fields and shit though."

"Maybe if we could knock the ship off the side of the building it would crash down onto the pavement down in the parking lot," Tali offered.

Sloane thought it was a good idea and told Tali as much.  "I think it's a good idea Tali," she said, but there was one problem.  Sloane made her crewmates aware of that fact, "There's one problem," she said, and then clarifying what that problem was added, "These claws are wedged in here pretty good.  We'd need some pretty heavy munitions to pry them free."

Tali nodded in agreement.  "That is true, or we could just use that random garage door over there and slam it down on that one claw's arm.  It could probably cut the arm in two which would cause the weight of the ship to pull it down into the parking lot," she said.

"You've clearly give this some thought," Sloane replied.

"On the floatilla we make due with what we have.  My people have been using docking bay doors to cut sheet metal for generations," Tali said, "This would more or less be the same thing."

Sloane was impressed with the Qunari girl's resourcefulness and said, "Alright then, let's try Tali's idea.  Worst case scenario we mess up a garage door and have to come up with another plan."

The trio made their way to the garage door opener and after some careful mathematical calculations hit the Garage Door-a-Go-Go button bringing the door in question down with a satisfying slam.  The door sheered through the spaceship's arm, cleaving it cleanly from the hook hand that was grappled into the floor.  There came then a terrible roar and the sound of crumbling rubble and shattering glass as the cyberman spaceship was torn away from the building under the force of its own weight.  Down the ship fell, 92 stories, until it slammed into the parking lot below and shattered into a gajillion pieces, completely and utterly ruined.

A sound like "Wooooo," reverberated through the building as the power supply to the cybermen's force field failed and the force fields closed.  High fives were distributed and Sloane and her crew made their way back toward the building's ground floor atrium.  There in the lobby stood Miss Eliza-bit, a broad smile on her face.

"You did it!" she exclaimed cheerfully, "You got the force fields down and wrecked that cyberman spaceship.  I saw it fall off the building and assumed it was your work."

Sloane folded her arms beneath her breasts and said, "You lied to me.  You said you had no idea what the thorian was, but you knew exactly what it was and what X.O. Jenny Corp was using it for up in Zhu's Revenge.

"I know...I'm...I'm sorry.  I didn't know initially either...none of us did, but once we figured out what the thorian was capable of I begged my supervisors to stop the experiment.  It's why I got put on probation," Miss Eliza-bit said, "I'm sorry I lied to you.  I thought that if you knew the truth you wouldn't want to help me...or any of us with X.O. Jenny Corp."

Sloane sighed and against her better judgement she found herself saying, "It's alright.  I guess I kind of understand why you'd lie.  Anyway there's probably like 90,000 cybermen still in that spaceship, so we should probably haul ass out of here before they come to and try to wreck house on us.  To the space car!"

The trio plus Miss Eliza-bit hauled ass across the parking lot to the space car and jumped in.  Wrex started the engine and they were off back towards the exit ramp where the X.O. Jenny Corp refugees were hiding out and a moment later, they found themselves walking down the ramp toward the camp.  As they approached they heard the sound of arguing and as Sloane entered the camp she saw Just Jung, a blaster in hand bellowing, "They all know.  We gotta liquidate everyone!  We can't let word of this get out...X.O. Jenny Corp will be ruined forever!"

"Just Jung!" Sloane shouted, "Just calm the fuck down!"

"YOU!" Just Jung shouted at Sloane before he caught sight of Miss Eliza-bit, "AND YOU TOO!  WE ARE DONE!  OH WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A FATE AS THIS?!"

Debbie was all like, "Oh it's my daughter!  You found her!" but Just Jung kept right on screaming shit.  "WE GOTTA KILL 'EM ALL!  NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE!"

Well, let me tell you, Sloane Shepard had had just about enough of that and she said to him, "Just Jung, are you gonna stand there all day flapping your gums or are you going to use that sidearm?  Just Jung hemmed and hawed a moment before raising the gun, Ol' Sloane Shepard was the fastest draw on Feros and before Just Jung could even think about laser blasting her, Sloane had drawn her piece and with a resounding "BOOYAH!" put a shotgun shell inside that wily Just Jung's head.  Old Lady Debbie was none too pleased, believe you me, but she let it slide on account of Sloane having just saved her daughter and all.

With the entire Just Jung situation resolved Sloane got down to brass tacks and said, "Alright, I'm going back to Zhu's Revenge and I'm going to wreck house on that goddamn thorian thing so I can save all the humanoids."

Debbie replied with, "Save all the humanoids?!  You'll need this nerve gas then to knock them the fuck out, otherwise the thorian's mind control powers will turn them into a zombie wrecking crew and they will totally be gunning for your ass!"

"Yeah, I'd rather not kill them, so I'm much obliged for the nerve gas ma'am!" Sloane said and took the nerve gas, "Any idea on where the thorian actually is?"

Debbie hemmed and hawed a moment before saying, "Well...it's pretty much spread across the entire planet, but we think there's an entrance to its lair somewhere near Zhu's Revenge...maybe."

Maybe?  Great...just great.  It was going to be a rough road ahead.

**Commercial Break**

"Jesus Tittyfucking Christ!  What is that thing?!" Sloane exclaimed as a shambling man-type thing emerged from the rubble outside the Zhu's Revenge parking garage.  Whatever it was, it certainly didn't deserve to live.  Sloane pressed a button and the space car's guns whirred to life and a hail of bullets tore the man-type thing to shreds.  With the man-type thing's shit totally ruined, Sloane and her buddies got out of the space car.

"You don't think the thorian did that do you?" Wrex asked, "You know, turned one of the settlers into that?"

"I think the thorian was involved, but I don't think that thing was a settler," Sloane said as she eyed the heap of plant sludge that had been the vaguely man-type thing moments earlier, "Get your guns ready guys.  We're going to have our work cut out for us."

Sloane hit the control panel and the garage door opened revealing more man-type things as well as several colonists armed with small arms.  For a brief moment Sloane thought that the colonists were fighting the man-type things, but that theory was quickly shattered when a laser blast grazed her arm.  "Take out the man-type things!" she shouted, "I'll deal with the colonists."

Wrex and Tali opened fire on the man-type things while Sloane pulled a grenade from her belt and charged towards the colonists' position.

Dodging heavy fire and creeping man-type things, Sloane pulled the pin on the grenade and tossed it at the colonists.  There was an explosion and nerve gas filled the garage.  The colonists collapsed in a heap of unconsciousness and the trio of Sloane, Wrex and Tali power jammed it into Zhu's Revenge.  More man-type things assailed them as brainwashed settlers shot guns at them.  It was horrible.  Sloane threw grenade after grenade, but they either missed the mark or didn't explode.  She worried that she'd run out of grenades long before she discovered wherever the entrance to the thorian's lair was.

Suddenly it dawned on her.  The entrance was underneath that one spaceship that had conveniently been placed in the center of the camp.  The thorian knew its shit, she had to give it that.  There was a loader that would be able to move the spaceship if she could only get to it.  She blasted down a pair of man-type things and headed towards the loader control panel.  Settlers wielding guns got all up in her piece and Sloane threw her last grenade.  The gun wielding settlers collapsed on the ground and as Sloane dashed towards the control panel she hoped it would be the last group of colonists she encountered.

Sloane crossed the remaining distance to the panel but the moment she attempted to initiate spaceship moving procedures a shot rang out.  There in the distance a nameless colonist stood holding a laser gun.  Sloane didn't want to kill the hapless woman and charged forward towards her, and hit her in the face with the butt of her shotgun.  The woman's head snapped back and as she fell her head slammed into a space steel space crate with a stomach turning _crack_!  She was dead before she even hit the ground.

Shrugging her shoulders Sloane returned to the control panel.  One dead out of sixteen wasn't terrible, and the woman in question didn't even have a name as far as Sloane could tell.  Just an anonymous foe on the field of battle.  She punched in the operation commands into the control panel and the loader hoisted the spaceship out of the way to reveal a tunnel.

"Looks like that's the entrance to the thorian's lair!" Tali said as she hopped up and down excitedly.

A man's voice muttered, "I tried...I tried so hard to fight it...you don't know what it's like to have this thing...this thing in your head."  Sloane turned and saw Doug Zhu, blaster in hand, walking slowly toward her.  "It wants me to...to kill you...I can't!  I won't!" Doug Zhu screamed and then placed the laser blaster in his mouth and pulled the trigger.  The back of his head exploded and brain junk went flying all over Zhu's Revenge.

Sloane shook her head in disgust at what she had just seen.  The thorian had to die.  There was no other option.  She looked to Wrex and Tali and said with conviction, "Okay guys, let's stop this goddamn thorian before anyone else Budd Dwyers themselves!"

**Commercial Break**

Down into the lair the trio of Sloane, Wrex and Tali crept.  It was as silent as a crypt and Sloane was filled with great unease.  Down deeper and deeper into the bowels of Zhu's Revenge they went.  They came at last upon a large chamber in the center of which hung a disgusting Lovercraftian horror.  It had to be the thorian.  The disgusting thing suddenly convulsed and from its mouthgina emerged an Asari only this one seemed to be off model since her skin was a putrid shade of green rather than the usual bluish hue the Asari possessed.

"Join with us and learn the secrets of the universe," the Asari said.

"Fuck that noise!" Sloane shouted, "This thing needs to die!"

She whipped out her shotgun and blasted the thorian, but the vile plant seemed unaffected by the bullets.  The Asari woman smirked and as she drew her gun said, "Fine have it your way."

A swarm of man-type things swarmed out of wherever it was they had been lurking and got all up in Sloane's area.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" her shotgun screamed, causing the man-type things to be ripped asunder.  Even with a greenskinned Asari bionic helping them, the man-type things were no match for Sloane's Wrecking Crew.  The center chamber was once again empty save for the shambling mound that was the thorian.

"Bullets don't seem to have any effect on it," Sloane said, "Any ideas?"

"We could cut its arms off and cause it to drop down into that pit there," Tali said, "Like we did with the cyberman spaceship."

Sloane glanced down into the pit.  It seemed pretty deep and there appeared to be a mess of lava or maybe magma down at the bottom of the pit.  "Tali, it worked last time, so I suppose it can't hurt to try again," Sloane answered.  She glanced up at that tentacle-like arms that the thorian had extended to the walls, aimed her shotgun at one of them and blasted.

The thorian howled in agony and the damaged arm dropped from the wall and hung limply beside the creature's bloated body.  A moment of excitement swept over Sloane.  Tali's plan might actually work again.  She aimed at another arm and with a resounding, "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" from her shotgun fired at it.  This arm, too, slammed down onto the ground, completely useless.  Once more the thorian howled, and this time the howl brought with it another greenskinned Asari and a whole mess of man-type things.

"IT'S BATTLE TIME!  TAKE UP DEFENSIVE POSITIONS GUYS!" Sloane shouted as she ducked behind a pillar and began unloading on man-type things with her shot gun.

Again the trio wrecked house on the man-type things and proceeded to shoot out another thorian arm.  And again the great plant beast howled and summoned more defenders that Sloane and her posse wrecked so much house upon.  Over and over the space heroes and the vile telepathic plant monster repeat this dance of destruction, until but a single arm remained affixing the monster to the wall.  Sloane smirked and with one final "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun blasted the fuck out of the thorian's arm.  The plant monster screamed as it plummeted into the lava pit it had decided to hang directly over.  Minutes later there was a splash followed by a roar as flames engulfed the thorian.

"Pshew...Seville will never get his grubby hands on that stupid telepathic plant now," Sloane said, "That's a huge relief."

"But what of the cost?  The thorian lived for more than 50,000 years...it has seen things that no other living thing has seen," a lady's voice said.  Sloane turned to see an asari woman who looked surprisingly like the greenskinned assassin emerge from a cocoon.  This one, however, was the proper shade of blue that was the norm amongst her people.  "I was a part of the thorian for but a brief moment, but the things I saw...the knowledge I gleaned...it was incredible."

"Who are you?" Sloan asked.

"My name is Shiala and I was sent here to treat with the thorian by Seville," the woman said.

"Seville?!  That guy is the absolutely worst!" Sloane shouted and reached for her shotgun.

"I know that now.  I followed my Matriarch, Matriarch Boob Witch, into his service.  She had believed that she could convince him to go down another path, but he has a spaceship...it is a very charismatic spaceship and soon Boob Witch and I were held in thrall to Seville the Terrarium," Shiala said, "When he learned of the thorian I was sent her to brain fuck it and learn whatever it knew about Ancient Aliens but the thorian was far more powerful than I could have ever imagined and well...you saw the results."  She motioned toward the greenskinned clones of herself that littered the hall.

"So you know about Ancient Aliens now?" Sloane asked, "I had this crazy vision when I touched an Ancient Alien beacon that I can't make heads or tails of."

"The thorian probably could have helped you, but you sent it down into a lava pit so that's out of the question," Shiala said.

"Fuck..."

"There is another way," Shiala said, "You and I could brain fuck.  I have absorbed much of the thorian's knowledge from my time spent joined to it.  I could pass this knowledge on to you in much the same way."

"Why would you do that?" Sloane asked.

Shiala sighed and replied, "I have done much evil since falling to Seville's charms and have much to do to atone for my mistakes.  Helping you would be a start and besides, you are not entirely unattractive as far as your species goes."

Sloane felt her cheeks redden and she said, "Alright, let's do it.  How does this even work?  Are you going to think poorly of me if I don't take you out to dinner first?  Should I send those two away?"

"No.  Just relax.  Open your mind to the wisdom of the ages.  Let yourself go.  Let the knowledge fill you."

GORE! ROBOTS! PAIN! CIRCUITRY! TEETH! NUKES! DEATH!

The entire thing played out like a scene from Tetsuo: The Iron Man in her head and Sloane went pale and felt her knees go weak.  "What was that?" she asked, on the verge of tears.

"That was the entire history of the Ancient Aliens," Shiala said, "You know everything they as a people once knew.  It will take time to make sense of it all to be certain, but it will come."

"I didn't like it.  I feel like I should probably go back to my spaceship now and take a shower.  What about you?  What are you going to do now that you're not in a cocoon anymore?" Sloane asked.

"I will stay here and help the settlers rebuild however I can," Shiala said.

"Sounds good," replied Sloane, "Okay guys, let's get back to the Normandy."

The trio turned to exit the thorian's lair and as they walked away Sloane couldn't help but feel a little strange, not only because of the disgusting body horror that now filled her brain.  She was certain that she had never found Asari women to be attractive before, but now she wasn't certain.  Had Shiala done something to her when she brain fuckled Sloane to make her notice how pretty Asari eyes were?  Was it because of the brain fuckling that she now had a strange desire to go watch the dancers of Chandra's Den?  As she made her way back to the ship, she prayed that whatever it was it would soon pass.


	11. Mass Effect - S01E11 - Doctor Heart

Six sets of eyes stared at Sloane as she finished giving her mission report.  "And so, that's what happened.  The colony was more or less saved and that asari passed the knowledge of Ancient Aliens on to me.  The only problem is none of what she showed me made a goddamn lick of sense.  Have any of you ever seen Tetsuo II: Body Hammer?  The crap I saw looked like a scene out of that movie...only with fewer Japanese business men."

There was a collective shrug from her crew before Liara stood slowly and in a nervous voice offered, "I have studied the Ancient Aliens for nearly my entire life.  Perhaps if you and I were to merge minds I could see what you saw and perhaps make more sense of it than you, yourself, were able to."

Sloane bit her lip and scratched her chin in thought a moment before saying, "I guess so, I've already been brain fuckled by one Asari today, what's one more?  Do you want to, I dunno, go somewhere a little more private?"

"Here will be fine.  I promise I will be gentle, Shepard," Liara said as her mind filled Sloane's.  A moment later, the Asari's face paled and she sat down.  "So much pain and suffering.  Shepard, your mind is truly remarkable to be able to withstand such agony as that.  I am sorry, I cannot make much sense of it at the moment.  It seems that some parts of the history are missing though.  Perhaps Seville has them?  If we could find the missing pieces I am certain the visions would make far more sense."

Sloane nodded and said, "That's a good idea.  We should try to recover the missing pieces of this history then."  She glanced at the Asari woman and noticed how pale she seemed.  Strange feelings of concern for her well being came over Sloane and she said to Liara, "You don't look so good Liara.  Maybe you should go have Doctor Chocolate take a look at you."

"Perhaps I should," the Asari woman said, "It's just merging minds with someone can be tiring sometimes...perhaps you feel it too."

Sloane did indeed feel utterly drained, but shook her head and lied. "I feel fine," spake she as Liara stood and left the conference room, and as the doors hissed closed, she declared, "Unless anyone else has anything to add I think that we're done here."

Garrus raised his hand and said, "Commander Shepard, if you have a moment later, I'd like to speak with you in private."

"Sure thing Garrus.  Anyone else?  No?  Okay then meeting adjourned."

The crew stood and filed out of the conference room and as they left, Joker's golden tones emerged from the intercom.  "Cap'n those three aliens from the Citadel are on the horn.  They read your report about what happened down and Feros and wanted to have a chat about it with you."

"They sound pissed?" Sloane asked.

"Just that Terrarium, but he always seems pissed.  The other two seemed alright.  Shall I patch them through?"

"Yeah.  Might as well get this over with."

The communication system clicked to life and the holographic image of the three counselors appeared before Sloane.  The Asari counselor spoke first saying, "We read your report Shepard and were quite pleased the learn that you were able to turn back the cyberman assault and do so with minimal loss of life among the colonists."

"We were less pleased that you killed the thorian.  A creature of that sort could have been very useful," the disgusting praying mantis man clicked disappointingly.

Sloane sighed, "Look mang, that thing was crazy dangerous, killing it was the only solution."

"Of course it was the only solution...you're a human," the Terrarium clicked sarcastically, "A more violent and brutish species I cannot recall."

Sloane was not certain, but she thought she saw the Arasi counselor roll her eyes. "Well, keep up the good work," the Arasi woman said, "I am certain it won't be long before you capture Seville."  

But before Sloane could reply, the Terrarium counselor suddenly bellowed, "End transmission!" and in an instant the holograms faded from sight.

Sloane shook her head in disbelief and muttered, "That fucking guy," under her breath as she exited the conference room.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane's brain felt weird; like she was drunk.  Her thoughts were hazy and unclear and she found herself walking towards the medical wing to check on Liara as if under a spell.  Had some of the thorian's brainwashing taken root in her brain when she and Shiala merged minds earlier that afternoon?  No, it couldn't have been that, none of the colonists seemed to be held in thrall any longer once the thorian was destroyed, so there was no reason she herself would be under such compulsion.

She soon found herself standing before the Asari researcher.  "You're looking much better," she said as Liara stood from the hospital gurney upon which she sat.

"I feel much better.  Doctor Chocolate is really a very skilled physician," Liara said as she stared at her feet, "Shepard...I...I want to ask you something, but I'm not entirely sure how to say it."

"What is it Liara?  You can ask me anything."

Liara looked up at her and then back to her feet and stammered, "I...I don't know why but I find you very fascinating Shepard."

"You find me fascinating or the Ancient Alien stuff that's seared into my brain?"

"I shan't lie to you Shepard.  At first my interest in you was purely due to your connection to the Ancient Aliens of yore, but as I came to know you it has become more than that.  You have proven yourself to be brave and kind and resourceful...and...if these is incredibly rude of me I apologize.  I am still not entirely sure of how I should act towards your kind..."

"You don't need to apologize."

"I like you Shepard and not just as friends..."

Sloane opened her mouth and heard the words, "I like you too Liara," flow forth.  Why had she said that?  She didn't like Liara did she?  She thought she was kind of dull and bookish, but those eyes...there was something undeniably attractive about them.

"I'm only one hundred and six years old, barely an adult, and I have never really thought about joining with another before, but with you..."

"You've never done this before?" Sloane asked in shocked disbelief.  She'd heard the stories about Asari girls...everyone had heard the stories.

"No.  The joining is more the just sex.  It's two minds coming together in the most intimate way imaginable and becoming one.  It's not something we rush into."

"I understand Liara.  I don't want you to do something you're not ready to do just because of me."

Liara smiled and said, "Thank you Shepard.  I knew you would understand.  We should probably focus on stopping Seville anyway.  Again, thank you for speaking with me Shepard."

"You're welcome," Sloane said and then walked out of the medical wing, unsure of what had just transpired.  Her brain was all messed up.  In all her years she'd never once even considered fucking an alien and now she was ready to jump in the sack with an alien that earlier that morning she had thought to be incredibly dull and unattractive.  The arasi on Feros must have done something to her brain when she passed on the Ancient Alien history on to her.

Sloane walked out the medical wing doors and saw Garrus waiting there, leaning casually against a wall like a real cool dude.  "Ah there you are Shepard, there was something I wanted to talk to you about," he clacked smoothly.

"Shoot."

"Back in C-Sec there was this one assfuck...a doctor doing illegal organ cloning.  He'd pay poor people out of the wards and then clone organs right inside their bodies...only sometimes they didn't clone right, so these poor people were all fucked up.  Anyway we tracked him down to his office, but someone must have tipped him off since he took his organ incubators and escaped in a spaceship.  We had him on radar, and I begged the alliance to shoot him down, but they said no...they didn't want to kill the hostages or risk civilian casualties by blowing up his ship over the Citadel.  They let that monster get away," Garrus clicked angrily.

"So what happened with the doctor?"

"I've been following up some leads and I finally think I've found him.  He's calling himself Doctor Heart now, some kind of sick joke, but I've got coordinates for his ship," Garrus said.

"Give 'em to me.  A guy like that doesn't deserve to be free."

"Thanks Shepard," Garrus said, "I knew you'd understand, there's just one thing...C-Sec let him get away last time.  I don't want to risk that again with a trial or anything like that.  We need to kill him."

"Garrus, now you're speaking my language."

**Commercial Break**

Sloane, Tali and Garrus stood in the airlock waiting for the doors to be blown on the barge that apparently was Doctor Heart's vessel.  He had not replied to their hails so Sloane had decided to force her way in.  Sloane glanced at Garrus as the door buster did it's work.  The Terrarium cop already had his gun out.  Sloane didn't mind gunning down a scumfuck in cold blood, but she hoped Garrus' need to get revenge wouldn't cause him to be overly reckless.  A moment later the barge's doors screamed open and she nodded to Tali and Garrus.  Together the trio made their way onto the ship.

Almost instantly they were attacked by mutants with spleens and trachea growing from their foreheads.  The mutant organ farms surged forward from behind space crates and space barrels with crude weapons in hand: space crowbars and spacebox cutters and other things of that sort.  The mutants howled furiously as they threw themselves at the crew of the Normandy.  Sloane and the others opened fire totally destroying the attacking mutants in a hail of laserfire.  Sloane couldn't help but feel sorry for the dead mutants with oversized tits growing out of their back and lungs where their hair should be.

Garrus seemed to notice Sloane's sorrow and said, "They're better off this way.  Having Krogan testicles growing in your cheek is no way to live.  C'mon we've got a quote unquote doctor to find."

Sloane nodded in agreement and together the three amigos made their way towards the bridge of the barge.  There they found a devil alien clad in the vestment of a doctor.  Garrus eyes gleamed with malice as he said, "Doctor Heart I presume?"

"What's the meaning of all this?" the devil alien ejaculated.

"Your days of growing Asari tits on the backs of the poor and downtrodden of the Wards are over doctor," Garrus said.

"You...your arresting me?" the doctor asked nervously.

Garrus drew his service revolver and shook his head, "I'm afraid not Doc.  Scum like you don't deserve to live."

"You can't do this!" the alien shouted, "There are rules you know!  Laws!  I have rights!"

"Not out here you don't."

The devil alien doctor turned towards Sloane and pleaded, "You...please, talk some sense into your friend."

Sloane sighed, "Garrus, just shoot him and let's go.  This place is disgusting and we've still got a Seville to track down."

"YOU'RE ALL CRAY..."

 _BANG!_ The policecop's laser gun fired, tearing the devil alien doctor's dome clear off.  Before the body even hit the floor, Garrus turned and walked out of the room.  Sloane and Tali followed after him.

That evening, back on the Normandy, Garrus thanked Sloane.  "I thought you and I were on different pages Shepard, about doing what needs to be done, I'm glad to see we aren't, because when we finally find Seville I don't think we should arrest him...it's too risky."

"Garrus, I had no intention of bring Garrus in alive.  That fuckler has to die."

Garrus' mandibles contorted into something approximating a smile as he said, "That's exactly what I wanted to hear."


	12. Mass Effect - S01E12 - Big Business

"Captain's Log...Stardate October 54,3403.  We are traveling to the business planet of Noveria to investigate claims of geth interest in the colony there.  Noveria is a privately own colony outside of Citadel space, and very protective of their customers' privacy.  It is therefore doubtful the authority there will be particularly forthcoming with information regarding the geth interests there," Sloane said.  She paused a moment before adding, "Confidential Captain's Log...Stardate October 54, 3403.  Dear Diary, I think there's something wrong with my brain.  Ever since Liara brain fuckled me in the conference room I can't stop thinking about her.  Like I'm literally thinking about her right now.  I'm almost certain that before I got brain fuckled I actively disliked her, but now I'm not so sure..."

Joker's booming voice resounded over the ship's intercom, "Cap'n were approaching Noveria and I'm running into a little trouble here.  They say we don't have the authorization to dock.  Is it cool if play the 'I'm carrying a Spectre you fucks' card?"

Sloane quickly shut off her recorder and answered, "Sure thing Joker.  I mean what's the point of me being a Spectre if the people I know can't use it to get landing authorizations or free movie tickets right?"

"You know it Cap'n."

The intercom clicked off and Sloane put her recorder away under her bed and got into her battle armor.  Whatever Joker had said to the air traffic control tower must have worked because the ship began its landing procedure and soon she, Tali, and Liara were in the airlock waiting for the internal pressure to match the external atmosphere.  Tali glanced at Liara and glanced back at Sloane and shrugged as if to ask, "What's she doing here?"  Sloane returned the shrug, thus silently stating, "I am uncertain why she is here either okay."

The airlock hissed open like a goddamn snake and the shore party made their way out onto Noveria.  Almost instantly they were hit with a blast of frigid wind.  So cold was it that even Tali, in a goddamn environmental suit, could feel the effects of it.  "Winter loses its charm pretty quickly," the Qunari woman said as the cold wind bit into her environmental suit.  Sloane agreed.

The trio of women made their way around a corner when they were suddenly confronted by a trio of laserblaster wielding guards.  "Not another fuckin' step," one of them, a surly looking blonde woman shouted, "Drop your fuckin' blasters and identify yourselves."

"My name's Shepard, I'm a Spectre, and if you want me to put down my blasters you're going to have to make me," Sloane spat back haughtily and both parties drew their guns and aimed them.

"Look let's not make a thing out of it.  We just need to verify who you are," another guard offered trying to defuse the situation, "Firearms aren't allowed in Port Hanshan so why not at least lower your blasters while we check your credentials?"

"I'd prefer not to," Sloane said, "You can check my credentials while I hold my shotgun can't you?"

The guard grit her teeth in an angry grimace.  The tension was tangible and neither side wanted to be the one to blink.  Suddenly a voice shouted over the intercom, "Captain Matsuo, stand down!  Shepard's identity checks out with the citadel.  Let her and her party into the city."

The guards lowered their laserblasters and one of them said, "You're free to enter Shepard, but don't think for a second that we don't have our eyes on you."

Sloane shrugged and muttered, "Whatever," and then made her way past them and up a set of stairs.  Suddenly klaxons blared and sirens screamed.  "JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON?!" she shouted nervously.

"Oh don't worry about that," a lady behind a desk said, "That's just the gun detector, but you three are fine.  My name is Parasini.  I'm the administrative assistant to Administrator Anasshole.  What brings you to Noveria?"

"We got word that the cybermen have expressed interest in coming here to Noveria and need to investigate," Sloane replied.

Parasini scratched her chin and said, "No...no cybermen that I can remember.  The only person to have arrived in the past few weeks was a Asari matriarch."

"Matriarch Boob Witch?" Sloane asked in disbelief.

"That sounds right," Parasini said, "Give me a second...yes, Matriarch Boob Witch.  She came with a crew of bodyguards.  She'd been placed on the approved visitor list by a high ranking executive with one of the companies that does business here, a Mister Seville vouched for her."

"My mother was here?" Liara asked in disbelief, "Is she still here?"

"Hold on...yup, up on Peak 15," Parasini said.

"How can we get to Peak 15?" Sloane asked.

"Well everyone needs to get approval from Administrator Anasshole to leave the Port, so you'd need to talk to him first," Parasini replied, "but I right now all flights are grounded because of the weather, and the roads are closed.  Sorry Spectre."

As Sloane and her crew stepped into the elevator she knew that she'd have to find a way to get out of Port Hanshan.  She'd been expecting cybermen, but Matriarch Boob Witch?  Her prey just got a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more dangerous.

**Commercial Break**

Administrator Anasshole was a smarmy motherfucker.  The devil looking motherfucker glared at Sloane and shook his head, "No.  You can't have permission to go snooping around outside the Port, Spectre.  Even if there wasn't a terrible blizzard, I couldn't allow it.  Our customers pay us for our dedication to privacy and I doubt it very much that they would appreciate a Spectre poking around in their business.  Now if you'll excuse me, talking to you is costing me 12 credits a second..."  The devil alien waved her away and then returned to his glowing, transparent Power Glove and began punching in keycodes and commands.

Sloane muttered, "Fuckin' jerkass," under her breath and then to her companions declared, "I need a drink.  Let's go find a bar."

Sloane was in a black mood as she, Tali and Liara rode the lift up to the hotel bar (apparently the only place to drink in the entire port) and the pounding dubstep that throbbed at such high volumes as the be audible from within the lift as it ascended did little to lighten that mood.

The doors to the lift slid open and Sloane and her companions entered the bar.  As she crossed the room toward the barman at the opposite end, a Terrarium stopped her with a cheery greeting, "Top o' the morning to ya lassie."

"Umm...do I know you?" Sloane asked.

"Probably not, but everyone knows you Spectre Shepard.  Allow me to introduce meself.  Me name's Lorik Qui'in and I have a proposition for you."

"Look pal, I'm not that kind of girl alright."

The Terrarium laughed and said, "No, no...nothing like that.  I heard you are trying to get out of Port Hanshan and need a garage pass but Administrator Anasshole wouldn't issue you one.  I have one that I'd be willing to lend you if you were to do a favor for me."

"What's this favor?" Sloane asked cautiously.

"I'm sure you've probably figured it out already but Administrator Anasshole is corrupt as fuck.  I run on of the companies here in town, Synthetic Insights, and I've got evidence against Anasshole and his goons on my work station comp," Lorik said as he sipped his booze, "The only problem is Anasshole's ordered SI to be locked down.  I know he's got his goons in there searching for the data and I can't get in to do anything about it.  You, being a Spectre, could."

"Okay, I'll do it."

"Great, so once you get in just slide this USB into my work station comp.  The runtime program will locate the hidden files and copy them over to this USB as encrypted files," the Terrarium said, "Anasshole's goons might give you some trouble.  I don't care if you fight, just try and keep the bloodstains off the carpeting."

Sloane pocketed the USB and asked, "Any idea on who these goons are?"

"Cops on the take mostly."

Sloane nodded and told Lorik to hold tight while she took care of business.  She and her posse walked back towards the elevator and as it rumbled down to the ground floor, Sloane found herself hoping that the corrupt cops would be the assholes from the docks who tried to take away her shotgun.  How sweet it would be to blast the shit out of those assholes?

**Commercial Break**

Sloane and her crew strolled across town to the Synthetic Insights offices and into the building a pair of guards accosted her almost instantly.  "Who the fuck are you?" one of the Hanshan cops shouted, his voice a hardon of rage.

"I'm a Spectre here on official business," she said calmly, "why don't you guys take five?"

Sloane's cool, calm demeanor did the trick for the cops shrugged, and one of them muttered, "I don't get paid enough for this shit," before the two of them exited.

"That was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be," Tali said as the door slid shut behind the cops, but before Sloane could say anything a blast of laser blast blasted nearby.  So much for easy!

Shots rang out as Hanshan cops on the take fired at Sloane and her ladyfriends, but the trio of Sloane, Tali, and Liara were some stone cold killers.  The twin shotguns of Tali and Sloane screamed "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" while Liara tossed cops about as if they were dolls with her bionic powers.  It wasn't long before the lower level of the SI building was a mess of dead and dying Hanshan cops and knocked over office furniture.  Lorik would be pleased that the bloodshed had been kept to a minimum.

"Let's go find that work station comp," Sloane said as she and her crew made their way upstairs.  The found Lorik's office easily enough at the end of the corridor.  Sloane handed the USB to Tali and said, "You take care of this Tali, you're a lot better at computers than I am."

"Sure thing Shepard," the Qunari woman replied as she inserted the USB and began entering override codes into her glowing Power Glove.  "The data is copying now," Tali said, "It should be done in a minute."

Sloane nodded and looked back towards the door.  "Did you hear that Liara?" she asked, "It sounds like someone is downstairs."

The Asari woman shook her head and said, "No, Shepard, I'm sorry I didn't hear anything."

"It's probably nothing."

There was a beep from the work station and Tali pulled the USB and pocketed it.  "All finished," she said, "Let's get out of here."

The three women walked out of Lorik's office right into a gang of Hanshan cops led by the horrible blonde woman from the docks.  "What have we got here?" she said, "I mean besides a couple cop killers...Lorik send you?  Ask you to pick up some data for him?  I'm afraid we can't let you walk out of here with that.  I'm not going to spaceprison for some shit like this!"

The blonde woman and her fellow cops on the take drew their weapons but before they could fire, Sloane and Tali blasted two of the them in the head with blasts from their shot gun while Liara space magicked the fuck out of the remaining cops.  More dead cops heaped up on the floor of the Synthetic Insights building.  Lorik was going to be pissed.  There was blood and gore all over the goddamn place now, but they had the data he needed so he couldn't complain all that much.

"Let's get out of here before more cops show up," Sloane said as she surveyed the carnage.

Liara and Tali agreed and the trio beat a hasty retreat, but as they exited the building they were confronted by Parasini.  "I heard a ruckus in there.  Was that you?"

"Um...yeah there was some unexpected trouble," Sloane said.

"Never mind.  I know why you were in there.  Lorik asked you to retrieve some data yes?  Before you hand it over to him, come talk to me in the bar okay?"

"Alright I guess."

* * *

That evening Sloane found herself in the bar, the USB containing Lorik's data in her pocket.  She spied Parasini from across the room and approached the tan woman uneasily.  Something was not entirely right with her.  Parasini spotted her and smiled.  "Ah Shepard, come!"

"What's this all about?"

Parasini folded her hands in her lap and glanced about nervously a moment before saying, "I wasn't entirely honest with you.  I'm not really Administrator Anasshole's secretary...well I am, but I'm not.  The Board of Directors is not happy with him so I was sent to spy on him.  He's hella corrupt but I couldn't get any hard evidence.  The Board wants to remove him and his cronies, but won't act without hard proof."

"So you want Lorik's data."

"So I want Lorik's data."

"Why would the Board want him out?  I thought everyone here was corrupt.  Isn't that like...your deal as a planet?  Like Earth is the garbage planet.  Hoth is the ice planet.  Noveria is the corruption planet."

Parasini laughed and said, "Even the corruption planet has its limits, and when the corruption starts seriously cutting into profit margins the Board of Directors consider those limits to be exceeded.  The rule here is 'don't rock the boat,' but Anasshole seems to have forgotten that and is scaring off customers with crazy rent prices and insane 'special taxes.'"

Sloane looked around the bar and said, "Alright.  Let me think about it."

Parasini looked disappointed and said, "Don't take too long to think it over.  Anasshole's goons have already discovered what happened at SI and it won't be long before they figure out what was taken and moreover who took it."

"Thanks for the warning," Sloane said and then headed back across the bar to where the Terrarium, Lorik, sat.

"Commander Shepard!  I'm glad to see you again," he said in that jolly way that only a drunk Terrarium can, "You have something for me no?"

Sloane nodded and said, "I do.  There's just one problem.  The Board of Directors is investigating Anasshole.  They want to prosecute him for corruption...get him out of office for good, but..."

"But they need my evidence," Lorik said with a sigh, "Look I don't care who's in power here, I just want to get back to work.  If I hang this data over Anasshole's head I figure that will be enough...maybe I'll even get a few credits out of it in a payoff too."

Sloane took a gamble and said, "Look I know it's probably easier just to blackmail the dude, but if you help the Board of Directors do this you'll be a hero."  The dice were rolling in her head.

"Oh fine.  I'll help them," Lorik said, "I don't know about you Spectre Shepard...you have a way of convincing people to do things they really don't want to do.  Come take me to talk to that agent then.  Ah and before I forget here's the garage pass I promised."

He handed Sloane a keycard with the SI logo embedded upon it that she placed in her pocket before leading him over to where Parasini sat.  "He's decided to help," Sloane said as she introduced Lorik to the undercover agent.

"Excellent!" Parasini said with a smile.

* * *

"You can't do this to me!" Administrator Anasshole shouted impotently as Port Hanshan cops hauled him out of his office, "You bitch!  You can't do this to me!  Do you know who I am?!"

"Someone shut him up," Parasini said, "Christ Jesus does he have an annoying voice."

"With pleasure ma'am!" one of the cops said before delivering a swift punch to the devil alien's gut.

The tan woman then turned to Shepard and said, "Thanks Shepard, I couldn't have caught that asshole without your help.  I'll buy you beer the next time I see you alright?"

"Yeah sure."

"See you around Shepard," Parasini said before heading off after former Administrator Anasshole.

With that all out of the way it was time to head up to the garage, jump in a space car and make their way to Peak 15...it was going to suck!

 


	13. Mass Effect - S01E13 - Peak 15

"FUCK IT'S CYBERMEN!" Sloane shouted as cybermen laserblasts blasted all around her.  It was an ambush!  The goddamn robots had been waiting for her up in the garage.  Sloane charged up her barrier and then taking aim with her shotgun fired three shots in rapid succession.  The cybermen's shit was totally ruined.  Robot chunks were all over the goddamn place.

Matsuo, the Japanese lady cop, and a nameless Terrarium cop came running into the garage, their laserblasters readied.  "We heard shooting in...Christ Jesus!  Are those cybermen?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yeah.  You have any idea how they got in here?" Sloane asked.

The woman shook her head and then said, "I guess that matriarch could have had them in those shipping crates she had with her, but we scanned those.  There was no sign of synthetics in any of them."

"How many space crates did she have?" Sloane asked.

The Japanese woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "I could get you the manifests if you need exact numbers, but off the top of my head...a dozen?  Maybe twenty."

Fuck.  That was a lot of possible cybermen.  Sloane told Matsuo that a manifest wouldn't be necessary and then crossed the garage, past all the robot chunks and got into the space car.  The doors to the garage opened and the space car trundled out into the valley.  The wind howled and beating snow blew around them.  Huddled within the warmth of the space car Sloane looked at the warning lights that flashed on the dashboard.  A Level 1 Cold Warning...best to stay in the space car if they could help it.  The space car rumbled forward up a winding mountain path.  Sloane hoped that Liara was a good driver for to the left of them was a seemingly bottomless pit.  One wrong turn and they'd all end up a smear of jelly encased in the twisted metal of a wrecked space car.

The journey to Peak 15 was relatively uneventful.  Oh sure, the space car crashed through a couple cyberman blockades and laid down some heavy gunfire to blast the fuck out of cyberman gun turrets, but they were easy kills.  Liara proved herself to be a capable space car driver and never once rolled the car off the narrow mountain path down into the ravine below.  Sloane and company soon found themselves standing on the steps of the Peak 15 facility.  The cold hit Sloane like a fist in the breadbasket as she jumped out of the space car and rushed to the doorway to Peak 15.

The doors hissed open like an angry cat and in an instant laserblasts blasted in their general direction.  Cyberman mecha were gunning for Sloane and her ladyfriends and to make matters all the more deadly, some Krogan mercenaries were also there getting all up in Sloane's face with laserguns.  It was gross, but not so gross as to give up all hope.  Sloane's shotgun screamed, "BOOYAH!" again and again as bullet after bullet flew through the garage, wrecking house on whatever it touched.  It wasn't long before all the cybermen were totally shattered and the krogan were cold as a codfish.

As Sloane and Tali stole things out of spacecrates and footlockers an automated warning blared over the intercom, "WARNING!  EVERYTHING IN PEAK 15 IS CURRENTLY FUCKED UP!  ATMOSPHERE STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!  TRAM STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!  CORE REACTOR STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!"

"Sloane, we're going to have to fix all that stuff before we can go find her mom aren't we?" Tali asked as she shoved a pair of sniper rifles into her rucksack.

Sloane just nodded.  It was going to suck.

 **Commercial Break**  

The cyberman's dome exploded in an explosion of exploded bits of wires and circuits as smoke wafted from Sloane's shotgun.  Those goddamn robocreeps were creeping low and nasty all over Peak 15.  It was going to take Sloane and her friends forever to repair the systems at the rate.  She sighed and turned a corner when she heard a horrible sound.  Thinking it was more cybermen she readied her shotgun, but something else emerged at the top of the stairs before her.  Something very organic, very large, and very angry.  The creature roared furiously and suddenly charged down the stairs towards Sloane.

Sloane squeezed the trigger sending death spiraling toward the charging monster.  The bullet ripped into the monster, but it didn't stop.  The hellspawned fiend kept coming like a freight train.  Again Sloane squeezed the trigger.  "BOOYAH!" screamed her shotgun as the bullet was spat at the great monster, piercing it in the face.  The monster howled but did not slow, drawing ever closer to where Sloane stood.  She took a deep breath, aimed, and fired once more.  The bullet struck the monster in the forehead, exploding out through the back of the monster's head.  The fiend crumpled and slid several feet under its momentum.

"Holy fuck!" Sloane exclaimed, "What the fuck is this thing?"

"It appears to be a xenomorph," Liara said indifferently, "Though how that is possible I could not say."

"What's a xenomorph?" Sloane asked feeling incredibly ignorant.

"A race of space monsters," Tali replied, "Don't feel bad about not knowing about them Shepard, they've been extinct for nearly a thousand years...wiped out in a war with the Krogan centuries ago."

"She is correct.  There has not been a sighting of a living xenomorph in close to a millennium," Liara said, "For one of them to be here in this facility makes me somewhat worried about what else we may encounter here."

Sloane glanced at the dead monster at her feet and then back at Tali and Liara and said, "Well, if these things haven't been seen in a thousand years I think we're going to be okay, but keep your eyes out.  There are still a mess of cybermen unaccounted for, plus Matriarch Boob Witch's bodyguards."

They made their way up the stairs towards the exit.  The silence that permeated the chamber was unnerving.  As they neared the door there suddenly came a great roar.  The trio of women wheeled around to see yet another xenomorph charge towards them.  In an instant, guns were drawn and the xenomorph was blasted into oblivion and once again and eerie silence came over the room.  Two of these allegedly extinct aliens in a single chamber?  Sloane did not like what was happening.  Sloane and her companions made their way into the hall and into an elevator.  After a moment, the elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open.

"OH FUCK!" Tali shouted as a heap of tiny xenomorphs rushed forward down the hall towards the elevator, "WE GOTTA GET GUNS AND KILL 'EM ALL!"  Guns were out in a flash and bullets and lasers were flying and xenomorphs were exploding and there was xenomorph gore all of the place.  A moment later Sloane, Tali and Liara were doing victory poses.

At the end of the hall there was a door.  Behind the door was the backup power system for the station's VI.

"Dudes, if we can get this system back online maybe we can stop the poison gas leak and also find out where Matriarch Boob Witch is lurking," Sloane said looking at the mess of wires and banks of computers.

 Her companions nodded and so Sloane got out her glowing Power Glove and hacked into the mainframe.  In an instant her screen was fill with a goddamn push puzzle.  Sloane moaned with disgust.  Push puzzles were the godawful worst.  "Fuuuuuuck...." Sloane muttered and then turned to Tali and said, "We got omni goop?"

The Quanri woman seemed to smile, "You know it!"

"Enough to get this system back online without having to do a goddamn push puzzle?"

Tali excitedly shook her head in the affirmative and pulled an oversized bag of omni goop from her rucksack.

"Awesome," Sloane said as she gazed upon the omni goop sack Tali held, "Let me get out of the way so you can get to work then."  Sloane then moved aside, allowing Tali access to the VI power station.

**Commercial Break**

The glowing VI holograph stood flickering before them and intoned in a dull monotone, "I am sorry but that information is only available to administrators and board members of BFG Corporation Intergalactic."

Sloane sighed.  She'd had just about enough big business and the secrecy that came with it for one lifetime.  "Fine.  You can't tell me anything about what is going on in here, can you at least tell me if Matriarch Boob Witch is here still?"

"The Matriarch traveled by tram to the hot labs some time ago," the hologram said dully, "Communications with the hot labs are currently Totally Fucked and thus I am uncertain whether she is still within the labs or not."

"Alright guys, let's take a tram to the hot labs then," Sloane said, "Thank you V..."

But before Sloane could finish the VI intoned, "TRAM STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Sloane exclaimed in exasperation, "What do I have to do to fix this goddamn tram?"

"To reactivate the tram you must first reconnect the landlines and repair the reactor," the VI said emotionlessly.

"Fine!" Sloane spat, "Come on ladies."

The repairs were a lot less involved than Sloane would have expected.  Repairing the landlines involved little more that plugging an unplugged cord back into a socket.  The reactor required a tad more work, but it wasn't anything Tali and a little omni goop couldn't manage.  Sure there were some xenomorph face fugglers to contend with but shotguns wrecked house on them easily enough.  With the reactor and landlines repaired, Sloane once again summoned the VI and asked for a status report on the  Trams.

"TRAM STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!" intoned the VI hologram lady.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sloane bellowed incredulously, "You said that I needed to repair the reactor and reconnect the landlines to get the tram up and running again.  I did both those things."

"Updated data revels that the tram tunnel has been sealed with prevent contamination of the hot lab," the VI said like a robot, "If the tunnels were cleared of the contaminant the tram would be operational."

Sloane logged out of the VI and made her way to yet another elevator, got in, and pressed the button.  A moment later she was disembarking the elevator at the Tram Depot.  Instantaneously she saw the "contaminant."  Within the tram tunnel were a heap of xenomorphs swarming all over the place.  The sight of them crawling all over one another caused Sloane's stomach to turn, so disgusting was the visual.  As she dry heaved, Sloane noticed a control panel labeled "PLASMA VENTS CONTROL PANEL" next to the waste bin she was crouched over.

"VI, what's up with the Plasma Vents?" she asked the shimmering holographic lady between retches.

"PLASMA VENT STATUS: TOTALLY FUCKED!"

"I can see that," Sloane said, "What is their function...when they aren't totally fucked?"

"When operational the plasma vents are used to clear contaminants from the tram tunnel," came VI's reply.

"Sloane, you want me to fix the controls?" Tali asked.  She already had her omni goop sack in hand and was bouncing with excitement.

Sloane nodded and Tali set to work whistling while she worked.  Sloane tried not to look at the swarm of xenomorphs and thus watched as the Qunari woman slathered omni goop all over the ruined bit of electronics.  A few moments later, Tali was reaffixing the control panel's plate.  "Tali, you do the honors," Sloane said as the machinist looked longingly at the overlarge red button emblazoned with "PLASMA VENT GO!"

"AW YE YE!" Tali exclaimed and punched the overlarge red "PLASMA VENT GO!" button.

The sound of flaming plasma and screaming xenomorphs filled the room as the vents spewed hot, flaming death into the tram tunnel.  The crawling xenomorphs didn't stand a chance and soon were a heap of ash on the floor of the tram tunnels.  Sloane hit a button to summon VI and with annoyance in her voice asked the hologram, "Can we use the tram now or is there some other random task we have to do that you didn't tell us about from the beginning?"

"TRAM STATUS: A-OKAY!"

"Thank God," Sloane said.

She and her posse then made their way to the tram and as the vehicle rumbled forward down the darkened tunnel, she wondered what terrors would await her at the hot labs.  As long as they could be solved with gun violence rather than hacking skills and knowledge of electronic repair, she'd be happy.

 


	14. Mass Effect - S01E14 - Peak 15 II: Peaks & Freaks

The Tram Depot of the Rift Station was surprisingly quiet.  There were no xenomorphs or cybermen to be seen and not even the slightest inkling of a Boob Witch.  Sloane and her crew made their way around the corner saw an elevator.  As it was seemingly the only way to go, Sloane, Tali, and Liara boarded the lift and pressed the button.  The lift rumbled upwards and a moment later the elevator was all like, "Yo this floor is the Science Station.  Everybody out for Science!"

Sloane stepped out of the elevator and was confronted by a battle hardened space marine.  "Oi, who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Sloane Shepard...I'm a Spectre.  What's going on here?"

"The fuck if I know.  Alls I know is these goddamn aliens are running roughshod on our mens.  I've done the best I've could, but there have been hecka casualties."

"I understand Captain..."

"Ventralis."

"Ventralis.  I fought some of those things down in the other building when I was getting VI back online.  They're no joke."

"That was you who got VI back online?" Ventralis asked, "I guess I should thank you.  Things would have gotten pretty shitty if VI remained offline much longer.  Listen, you seem like a lady who knows how to get results and isn't afraid of getting in some shit.  There's a heap of those fuckin' alien fucks down in the hot labs.  We've got the place locked down, but we're going to have to deal with them sooner or later.  Why don't you take this keycard to get into the hot labs and wreck house on 'em?"

"Alright mang, I'll look into it as soon as I find the asari matriarch."

"The one with the tits?"

"That's the one."

"Yeah, she's in here somewhere, though I haven't seen her in a couple days, but then again I've been kind of busy if you know what I mean," Ventralis said.  Suddenly and quite without warning a huge, hulking xenomorph appeared.  Ventralis screamed an oath and readied his blaster and Sloane followed suit.  They made short work of the xenomorph.

"These fuckin' things.  They keep charging our barricade and keep getting their shit ruined.  You'd think they'd have figured it out by now," Ventralis said as he kicked the dead xenomorph with a boot clad toe, "Anyway I've gotta man the barricade.  We'd appreciate your help with this fuckin' alien problem.  Like I said, they're camped out down in the hot labs."

"Okay," Sloane said and then headed into the Science Station.  Behind her she heard Ventralis mutter an uncouth oath.

Sloane shrugged it off and made her way into the mess hall.  There were a mess of people in the mess hall, all of them clearly showing the signs of stress.  Some, the soldiers chief among them, were clearly just overtired.  There was a certain Asari science lady, though who was just rude as shit for no goddamn reason.  Sloane wanted to choke the life out of her, but decided against it and instead made her way into the medical bay.  A heap of people who seemed to be on death's door were all dying and shit in hospital beds while a real egghead looking science motherfucker watched over them.

The egghead looking science motherfucker looked up as Sloane entered and asked, "Who are you?"

"The name's Shepard...Sloane Shepard.  I'm a Spectre."

"A Spectre?!  Maybe you could help me then.  My name is Doctor Zev Cohen and these people are crazy sick."

"You're a doctor what could I do that you couldn't?"

"I'm a doctor of biochemical engineering not medicine...I guess I really shouldn't introduce myself as 'doctor' when I'm standing in a medical bay asking for help should I?  Anyway, these people were all sickened by an experiment gone awry...I'm really not at liberty to divulge anymore.  Oh I did not think this through at all..."

"Doc, I don't give two shits about or understand the concepts behind any of the experiments that are going on in this lab.  I'm just a bionic lesbian with a shotgun and a pretty nice haircut," Sloane said smoothly.

"Oh, alright.  We were researching a bio-weapon down in the labs, and there was a breach in the containment vessel so all these scientists got laid out," the doctor said.

"You don't have an antidote for this crazy bio-weapon you made?" Sloane asked in disbelief, "That's pretty dumb of you."

"We have a formula, but we never mixed any, and the formula is on the secure computer down in the lab so I can't access it from here," Doctor Cohen said.

"Dumbass science dudes," Sloane thought to herself before saying, "Why not go down into the lab then and get it?"

"Well..." Doctor Cohen said, "Captain Ventralis won't allow anyone to go into the labs to manufacture the cure.  He thinks that the bio-weapon is still active, but I'm certain that the agent has only a brief period during which it's viable so whatever contaminant was in the lab is totally safe now.  You're a Spectre...you guys can do whatever you want so maybe he'll make an exception for you."

"Oh fine..." Sloane said.  Being a Spectre kind of sucked.  It basically boiled down to a bunch of people asking her to do things that they were too lazy to do themselves and if she told them to go fuck themselves they were like, "You're letting humanity down and shit," and so Sloane went back out to see Ventralis and told him what was up.

Ventralis was all like, "Well, it's probably still poison down there, so we'll let you down, but we're locking the door until a scan comes back negative and we know you won't bring bio-weapon poison up here into camp."

"That's fair," Sloane said and Ventralis handed her a bio-weapon lab pass.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane watched as Liara, huddled over a chemistry set, mixed several vials of compounds and reagents together.  "Stop staring at her ass.  Stop staring at her ass," Sloane thought to herself as she stared at the Asari scientist's shapely ass clad in revealing science nerd pants.  That brain fuckling had really done a number on her brain.

"That should do it," Liara said holding aloft a potion that, if the formula was correct, would cure the sickness the bio-weapon had caused among the scientists.  

The Asari's words broke the trance her ass had placed Sloane in and Sloane nodded slowly before saying, "Awesome.  Let's get the F out of here."

But before they could get the F out of there the door to the lab opened.  Sloane wheeled around and saw a pair of Asari and a cyberman.  One of the Asari she recognized as the Asari science lady who had been rude as shit for no goddamn reason from up in the mess hall.  All three had laserguns out and were ready to bang.

"Fuck.  Now I know why you were all rude and shit when I asked if you knew Matriarch Boob Witch," Sloane said, "You're working for her!"

"Christ you're dumb.  You just realized that now?  I was all panicked that I'd overdone it and you were going to gun me down right there," the rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady said, "Well, thank gods for that because Matriarch Boob Witch is safe and sound in the secure labs and instead of you gunning me down it's going to be me gunning you...UGGGGGGG!"

With a resounding "BOOYAH!" Sloane's shotgun tore a hole through the rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady's middle, spilling her guts all over the place.  Before the body even hit the floor, Liara space magicked the shit out of the remaining Asari, ripping the gun toting Asari commando in two.  As for the cyberman, well believe you me, that little Qunari machinist, Tali was like a house afire the way she shotgunned the gears right out of that ol' cyberman's gearbox.  A quick victory dance later, the trio of ladies made their way back to the medical bay.

Doctor Cohen (not a medical doctor) was please as punch to see them with the antidote to the bio-weapon, but somewhat less pleased to hear about that rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady's treachery.  "That's some dastardly shit right there my mang," he said, "You have my thanks for this antidote.  We lost enough good science dudes and dudines to those damn xenomorphs already...and off the record, I hope you find that Boob Witch lady and give her what's coming to her!"

"Thanks Doc," Sloane said, and then she and her crew made their way out of the medical bay.  They would need to get to the secure labs and stop her before it was too late.  Luckily for her, a mole man scientist in the mess hall was all like, "There's a secret entrance to the secure labs through the service tunnels."  

So that is precisely what Sloane and her party did; went through the service tunnels.  They were your standard issue ice cave tunnels.  Nothing too fancy or ostentatious, just good solid ice, some rocks, a couple icicles for panache.  It wasn't long until Sloane and company found themselves standing before a door beneath a sign with an image of a glowing Erlenmeyer flask.  Clearly it was the point of no return...and all Sloane could think about was how good Liara's butt looked in those science pants.  The door slid open...

A stately Asari woman with an unreal bosom stood beside a large tank that housed a massive xenomorph on the platform that hung in the center of the lab.  Sloane knew from the boobitude of the woman that she was without a doubt, Matriarch Boob Witch, also because Liara said, "Mother," in that adorable monotone voice she had when they entered the room.  The bosomy Asari woman was talking, but Sloane was so not paying attention.  Her attention was fixed on those boobs, and then suddenly, Sloane realized she couldn't move.

"Fuck," Sloane thought to herself, "Space magicked again."

Matriarch Boob Witch had obviously cast Stasis or some shit that wasn't Barrier or Throw (the only two space magic spells Sloane felt comfortable casting), so there was nothing to do but sit tight.  As Sloane stood there immobile she realized that when the space magic wore off a fight was going to go down and they were going to have to gun down Liara's mom with Liara present.  Sloane suddenly regretted thinking with her loins when deciding who to take with her on to Naveria.  She herself had never known her parents but imagined having to gun them down would probably suck a lot.  She should have taken Wrex instead...or Ashley.

The magic suddenly dissipated and was replaced by good old fashioned laser blasts and bionics.  They were under attack by a pair of Asari commandos, but they got dropped like pigeon shit by a couple well placed shotgun blasts.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!"  With the commandos down and done, Sloane took aim and put Matriarch Boob Witch on blast, but she seemed to be impervious to shotgun blasts, regardless of how wicked the scream of "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun was.

Suddenly there were more goddamn lasers.  Another commando and a couple cybermen entered the fray.  There were lasers and bullets and space magic happening all over the place.  It was a killer scene.  Boob Witch's minions were myriad, and each time one dropped another would rush out from some hiding hole to take its place, but punk mark busters can't handle a wicked shotgun and soon enough all the minions that stepped to Sloane had their shit wrecked until Boob Witch stood alone.

She looked tired.  Stacked as fuck but tired.  "I tried to do the right thing...but it was too strong...too charismatic," Matriarch Boob Witch said.

"Seville?"

"No, Seville's spaceship, Sovereign.  That spaceship is charismatic as fuck...it just gets in your head and you can't get it out," the busty Asari replied.

"What did Seville want with the xenomorphs?" Sloane asked, "That's why you're here isn't it?"

"The Mu Relay...it was lost eons ago, but the xenomorphs knew of it's location and so I was sent here to ask them where it was," she replied.  Boob Witch's face suddenly contorted in a grimace, "AW FUCK...THE SPACESHIP'S CHARISMA IS ALL UP IN MY BRAIN!  IT'S BRAIN FUCKLING ME FROM AFAR!"

"Mother," Liara said nonchalantly.

The words seemed to break the thrall the charismatic spaceship held Boob Witch in, if only for a moment and she continued, "The xenomorphs have a hivemind so all knowledge is passed down from one queen to the next across the eons, so this queen, though she is but a few months old, would know precisely where the Mu Relay was located."

"I don't know what a Mu Relay is," Sloane said, because she did not have any idea what Boob Witch was talking about, "but if Seville wants it then I'm going to make sure he never fucking finds it!"

"ARRRRRG!" Boob Witch screamed in agony as a very charismatic spaceship took control of her mind and caused her to attack her daughter and her daughter's friends.

But shotguns are hella tough and shotguns in the hands of a stone cold killer like Sloane Shepard they're super hella tough.  Boob Witch's shit got wrecked in a couple seconds.  As she breathed her last dying breath, Boob Witch said, "Liara, you are the best thing I ever created in the history of all the stuff I ever created.  I was always proud of you.  Sorry you couldn't be proud of me," and then she died.  Sloane and Tali wasted no time in high fiving before they did crotch chops in the general direction of the recently shotgun blasted Boob Witch's.

But Sloane then realized, "Oh fuck, that's Liara's mom.  I really shouldn't do crotch chops in her general direction..." and as she turned toward Liara to apologize, one of the dead Asari commandos suddenly stood up and zombie-walked towards the tank on the platform which housed the massive xenomorph that Boob Witch's moment of clarity plot dump had revealed to be a xenomorph queen.

The dead body's hurked and jerked into position and then opened it's mouth as a creepy voice filled the room.  "Hello."

**Commercial Break**

"Who are you?" Sloane asked the dead Asari that had just recently crossed the room and begun to speak.

"I am the mother, but my children were taken from be before they learned how to sing.  They are angry, confused.  They are teeth and claws that know nothing of the song," the creepy voice said before bursting into song.

"That is what I wish," the creepy voice said through its Asari corpse puppet, "but the decision rests in your hands.  You can free me, so I can sing the song once more and teach my children a song of peace, or you can end the song forever, here in this cold soundless place."

Sloane pondered it for a moment scratching her chin.  "Well, I do like a good jam...okay, I'll let you out of there, but you have to promise not to rip me apart the second that I do.  I've just killed a heap of commandos and cybermen and Matriarch Boob Witch, so my trigger finger's a little bit sore right now.

The meat puppet's mouth moved erratically as the creepy voice of the xenomorph queen intoned, "Agreed, but you must promise me one thing too.  My lost children...find them and destroy them.  If they live they will continue to hurt others and will bring about discordance again.  I do not wish to lose the song forever."

"Alright, we'll drop a nuke down into the hot labs before we get out of here.  That should do the trick right?" Sloane replied.

"I believe it will."

Sloane then pushed a button on the control panel and the tank popped open.  The dead Asari collapsed in a heap of being dead and there was a moment of tension during which Sloane thought that perhaps the queen had changed her mind about not tearing Sloane limb from limb, but she bowed her head in what Sloane assumed was a show of respect and then leaped from the tank up into the rafters and then scurried away through the ventilation shaft.

"Alright guys we solved the mystery of what Boob Witch was after and saved a species once thought to be extinct, let's go drop that nuke and get the hell out of here," Sloane said.

Tali and Liara were in agreement so the trio made their way back towards the tram depot, stopping only to open the lift down into the hot labs, place an armed tactical nuke in the elevator, and the send the lift down into the labs.  As the stepped into the tram, and the engines whirred to life, Sloane felt the ground tremble and heard a massive explosion.  It was the sound of a job well done.


	15. Mass Effect - S01E15 - Pirates of Penzance

"YOU DID WHAT?!" the Terrarium counselor's mandibles clacked furiously, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DANGEROUS THE XENOMORPHS ARE?  No, of course you don't because you're a human, and when we were all on the verge of total destruction at the claws of the xenomorphs your kind was sitting around in your primitive glass and steel 'apartment houses' playing 'video games' and eating rubbish like 'pizza flavored Hot Pockets,' and 'Cheetos.'"

"This queen was different.  She wanted to sing and teach the other xenomorphs how to sing too.  I think she wanted to put together a stage show...like the Von Trapp Family Singers or something," Sloane replied, "I dunno, it seemed pretty legit."

"Harumph!" the grumpy Terrarium harumphed, "We'll see how long that lasts.  I guarantee that within a generation or two we'll see another xenomorph incursion into our territory...another long, drawn out war, only this time, I doubt there are enough Krogans left to take care of the problem for us!"  Before Sloane had time to make a witty retort the disgruntled Terrarium harumphed again and bellowed, "End transmission!"

The holograms of the counselors faded and Sloane turned and walked out of the conference room.  A rather nondescript man in an Alliance military uniform stood before her.  He looked vaguely familiar but she was not sure how she knew him.  Since he was on the Normandy she assumed that he was one of her crew members.  He saluted and said, "Captain Shepard do you have a moment to talk?"

"Uh...sure thing Lieutenant...umm..." Sloane tried to make out the name on the soldier's name tag, but the light on the Normandy was terrible.

"Kaidan.  Dave "Wedge" Kaidan," the everyman said, "We've served together for awhile now.  You saved me on Eden One."

"Oh!  Yeah!  That's where I know you from!" Sloane exclaimed, "What can I do for you Wedge?"

"It's just, well...this is kind of awkward..."

Sloane sighed.  She didn't have all day to stand around while this default create-a-character looking motherfucker hemmed and hawed.  Exasperated she said, "You can speak freely dude.  It's a democracy and shit, so spit it out already."

"Well, ever since you saved me back on Eden One, I started feeling things for you," Dave Kaidan said hopefully, "and I'm pretty sure you feel them too.  I've seen the way you look at me when we have staff meetings.  I'm not just imagining it am I?"

Sloane nodded, "Yeah Dave, you are just imagining it.  There's nothing between us bud."

"It's because of Liara isn't it?" Dave asked, "I've heard what some of the enlisted have said about you two.  I didn't want to believe it at first, but if you aren't interested in me, then those rumors must be true.  There's something going on between you and her isn't there?"

"I don't think that's really any of your business Dave, but maybe there is something between her and I," Sloane replied, "You don't have a problem with that do you Dave?  A problem with women who like women?   A problem with inter-species relationships?"

Her tone must have frightened Dave for he shook his head and quickly replied, "No ma'am, nothing like that ma'am.  Can we just forget I said anything?"

"That's probably for the best, isn't it Dave?"

"Yes ma'am," said Dave his forehead dripping with flop sweat.

Sloane took pity on the poor, generic bastard and said, "Dismissed," and then watched as Dave "Wedge" Kaidan saluted and powerwalked away with much haste and rapidity.  As standard issue soldier man vanished from sight, Sloane's thoughts went once more to Liara.  The Asari science lady had acted all tough and badass like, "Meh, I don't care that you and Tali shotgunned my mom to death.  That's life," but Sloane was certain that Liara was at least a little bit sad about having a dead mom, and so Sloane found herself mindlessly marching toward's the Asari science lady's science lair.

The next thing she remembered was Liara staring at her and asking, "Was there something you wanted Shepard?"

"I just...uh...wanted to make sure you were alright," Sloane found herself saying, "I know you said that you were, but this can't be easy...having to kill your own mom like that."

"Thank you for asking Sloane.  You're right it isn't easy, but I'm trying not to think about what became of my mother at the end. Instead I am trying to remember the woman that she was: strong, intelligent, and kind," Liara said.

"Well, if there's anything you need to talk about, I'm here," Sloane said.  Why did she say that?  She had no idea, but continued nonetheless, "Just take as much time as you need alright?  I can take Wrex or Ashley on missions until you're feeling up to going again."

"Thank you Sloane, you are far too kind to me, but to be quite honest I think it would do me some good to go out into the field again.  It would help me to take my mind off my mother" Liara said and batted her lashes slowly before adding, "Besides, I like spending time with you."

"I like spending time with you too Liara," Sloane said and stared longingly into the Asari woman's eyes.

"Commander!" Joker's voice boomed like a hurricane over the intercom, "There's a message coming in...I'm patching it through."

Before Sloane had a chance to reply a confused sounding gentleman's voice came over the intercom.  "Hello?  Commander Shepard?  Um...my name is Qyburn and I live at the Citadel.  My brother's ship, he was a trader..."

"A traitor?"

"No...trader...he traded goods.  Anyway his ship recently stopped responding and I...um...got worried and went to the space police," the man named Qyburn said, "They gave me your number and said that you were in the area where my brother's ship last pinged the space radar and that maybe you would be able to look into it.  The said something about space pirates...please.  Not knowing what's happened to him is killing me."

"Alright Qyburn.  We'll check it out.  Forward me the coordinates from the last space radar ping and we'll look into it," Sloane said.

The gentleman named Qyburn was overjoyed.

**Commercial Break**

"Captain's Log, Stardate October 56th,  3403...we were contacted by a Citadel citizen named Qyburn about his missing brother and have traveled to the Penzance System to investigate the location where his brother's ship was last picked up on space radar before contact was lost.  The area is known to be a safe haven for space pirates and space buccaneers so I fear the worst, but I am a woman of my word and I told Mister Qyburn that I would investigate his brother's disappearance," Sloane said into her Captain's Log® Brand recorder.  She paused to compose her thoughts a moment and then continued, "Confidential Captain's Log, Stardate October 56th, 3403...I almost kissed Liara today in her science lair.  I probably would have if Joker hadn't come on the horn and been all like, 'Incoming message...PATCHING IT THROUGH!' and ruined the mood.  I still think all the times I got brain fuckled did something to my mind, because I still can't put my finger on what it is about Liara that I like.  She and I legitimately have nothing in common and I think she's kind of boring, but I was nearly ready to punch out some grunt named Doug Raiden or Dan Kraken out when I thought he had a problem with Liara and I hypothetically dating.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I should probably go talk to Doctor Chocolate about this if it doesn't stop soon.  Anyway, we're coming out of Mass Effect now, so I should probably go get ready to scan for ships.  Your Pal, Sloane."

Sloane clicked off the recorder and placed it in its secret spot under the bed in her quarters and headed up to the deck as the ship exited Mass Effect.  Joker was seated at the command center.  He looked up as Sloane approached and said, "Just coming out of Mass Effect now Cap'n."  He then proceeded to stare at her with a weird smile.

"What?"

Joker grinned and said, "So...you and that Asari huh?  They're something else huh? Back when I was at the academy there was this bar and there was this one girl...well she wasn't really a girl...she was like a hundred and ten years old or something really...I dunno really know how it works with them, but anyway...she had the biggest boobs I'd ever seen!  Anyway it was my 21st birthday so a couple of the guys hired her for me and..."

"Joker, I really don't want to hear about it alright?" Sloane interrupted, "As for my relationship with Liara, it's none of your business, but it's nothing like what you just described.  We just talk...well, talk and then sometimes drive around on foreboding alien worlds in the space car and shoot guns and space magic at cybermen, but it's all platonic okay?"

Joker nodded and in a sarcastic voice that sounded not at all unlike famed late 90s teen celebrity Seth Greene said, "Suuuuuure Cap'n.  Whatever you say."  He placed his hand in front of his face and flicked his tongue betwixt his pointer finger and middle finger in a pantomime of cunnilingus. 

Sloane shook her head in disgust and said, "Just start scanning for the ship Joker."

"Yes ma'am!  Commencing Missing Ship Scanning Protocols."  The disgusting pilot flipped a switch and hit a button.  A moment later a single blip appeared on the navigational map of the system and pinged.  "Huh.  We got a hit already," he said, "Am I the best pilot or what?  I took the Normandy out of Mass Effect almost right on top of the thing we were looking for.  How many times have you done that in a space car drop Cap'n?"

Sloane sighed in annoyance and said, "Just tell me what the scanner says Joker."

"I'll do you one better.  Ta-da!" Joker said as a ruined ship appeared on the monitor before them, "Looks like it's pretty fucked."

The ship did, indeed, appear to be pretty fucked.  There was a massive hole in the side and a bunch of the windows were smashed.  Sloane knew it was probably a lost cause, but asked, "Any survivors coming up on the scan?"

"Hold on a second...no, no survivors Cap'n, but there are nuclear vapor trails leading down to that planet over there," Joker replied, "Someone's landed a small ship down there recently.  Could be an escape pod...could also be a pirate ship though."

"Joker, set course for that planet over there and prepare for a space car drop," Sloane said as she headed towards the cargo hold where the space car was, "and tell Tali and Liara to meet me there."

"You got it Cap'n," Joker said, "Oh and one more thing, if you and that Asari...Liara are just friends or whatever, you won't be pissed if I work a little of the old Joker Magic™ on her will you?  I hear those Asari like it all...guys, girls, everything and I think she's kind of cute.  I don't think I have to tell you that she's got ass that just won't quit."

Sloane grumbled and went down into the cargo hold to suit up and prepare for a space car drop.  Joker's voice came over the ship's intercom telling Tali and Liara to report to the cargo hold as she entered the elevator and made her way into the bowels of the ship.  Tali was already there.

"Hey Shepard, what's up?" she asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet excitedly.

"We're going down onto that planet to see if we can find survivors from a ship that got ambushed by pirates," Sloane said, "Your shotgun's ready?"

Tali patted her Tornado VII shotgun and said with a faint smile, "It's always ready."

A moment later they were joined by Liara and together the three women boarded the space car and waited for the doors of the cargo hold to open.  Once they were open Sloane floored it, driving the space car out of the back of the Normandy and beginning their fall to the planet below.  She recalled how frightened she'd been the first time she'd been aboard a falling space car.  The nervousness that came with firing the retrorockets.  Too soon and they'd burn out before you made groundfall.  Too late and the space car wouldn't slow sufficiently before hitting the planet.  She waited for the ship to hit that sweet spot and then _BOOM_!  Retrorockets fired.  Another smooth landing, even if they were about thirty clicks from anything on radar.

**Commercial Break**

The space car rumbled along the weird alien landscape, bounding over hillocks and plateaus like a cybernetically enhanced gazelle ever closer to the anomaly that had appeared on the radar.  Suddenly a laserblast streaked by.  Sloane looked out the window and saw at last what the blip on the radar had been: a pirate fortress, and the pirates did not seem happy to have a space car roll up on them.  Sloane blasted a missile at the snipers and plowed through a barricade, crushing a couple pirates beneath the wheels of the space car.  She and her companions then hopped out of the space car.  This seemed like as good a place as any to look for survivors from the wrecked trading vessel they had come across up in orbit.

Tali overrode the fort's security system, bypassing the biometric keypad and the door hissed open.  In an instant the shouts of pirates rang out and blasts of laserblast streaked past them.  Sloane murmured, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," summoning a space magic barrier before charging into the room, with her shotgun at the ready.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" screamed her shotgun, tearing apart three pirates as Sloane entered the fort. 

Liara was space magicking fools left and right, throwing bodies into walls and summoning black holes to suck hearts right out of pirate chests (body chests, not treasure chests...that would be weird, a pirate who kept his heart in a chest) and pretty much just wrecking house on every goddamn thing.  It wasn't long before all the pirates were totally dead.  Tali quickly went to work looting everything of value, while Sloane and Liara looked for clues as to what had become of the crew on the trading vessel, unfortunately in the back office of the pirate fort they found the evidence they were looking for in the form of Qyburn's brother's corpse.

"Shit...they killed him," Sloane said, "We should probably bring him back to his brother on the Citadel."

"Agreed Shepard," Liara said, "To leave him here would be unconscionable."

And so the three women dragged the space trader's body out of the pirate fort and placed him in the trunk of the space car and then radioed Joker for a pickup.  A short while later the space car was safely aboard the Normandy once more and Sloane was at the command post ordering the ship to be Mass Effected back to the Citadel.  The trip to the Citadel was as uneventful as one would expect.  A Mass Effect trip is, after all, almost instantaneous.  

Back at the Citadel, Sloane used her Spectre powers to invade a citizen's privacy and learned that Qyburn worked in the Tower of Counseling.  Sloane, along with Tali and Liara made their way to the Citadel around lunch time trying to catch Qyburn to give him the terrible news in person.  She found a man who looked exactly like Qyburn's Citadel Citizen ID photo she had accessed from the Citadel's secure networks using her Spectre ability to do whatever she wanted.  The man who was either Qyburn or Qyburn's evil twin was seated beneath a large baobab tree in the atrium of the Tower of Counseling eating a sandwich.  From the look of it it was a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread.  He had a snack size bag of Fritos corn chips beside him as well as a Coke.

"Mister Qyburn?" Sloane said, interrupting the man who looked like he was about to house some lunch.

The man looked up from his sandwich and said, "Yes?  Do I know you?"

"My name is Sloane Shepard.  I'm the Spectre you spoke to on the phone earlier."

"Oh!  Do you have news about my brother?"

"I'm sorry mang, but your bro is dead.  Pirates totally wrecked his shit.  We found his body though and brought it back...with...us..." Sloane said, slowly realizing they'd never taken the body out of the trunk of the space car.  She'd have to get someone to scrub the trunk down when she got back to the ship.  Duke Kraiden seemed like a suitable candidate.

"I can't say it's altogether surprising, but it's still kind of a shock," Qyburn said, "Thank you for letting me know, now if you'll excuse me I have a funeral to plan."

As Qyburn slowly walked off Sloane cried out after him, "Hey mang can I have these chips?  I'm hungry as fuck."

"Yeah.  Knock yourself out."

Sloane did just that.  The chips were about as on point as a snack size bag of Fritos corn chips could possibly be.  As she tore into those corn chips with gusto Sloane finally came to think the entire becoming a Spectre thing might have been worth it after all.


	16. Mass Effect - S01E16 - The Terrible Secret of Asteroid X

"Help us...Asteroid X...Bavarian terrorists...on a collision course with...if you can hear me...help..." the voice came like a staticky phantom over the intercom.Joker looked like he was about to pee his pants in terror as he said, "That's the entire transmission boss."

Sloane Shepard, Spectre extraordinaire and Commander of the Normandy, looked out across the bridge in thought, and after a moment asked,"Joker, can you trace the signal?"

"Uhh...yeah.It's coming from Asteroid X an asteroid that's passing near the planet Populated II right now.Why?" the crew member asked as he nervously adjusted his official crew member baseball cap, "You're not really considering going down onto Asteroid X are you?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Sloane asked.

"Well at best there's a bunch of Bavarian terrorists down there...at worst?Some kind of ghost," Joker replied, "Either way there's a 92% chance of you getting your shit wrecked if you go down there."

"You worry too much Joker," Sloane said and then got on the intercom to tell Tali and Liara to prepare for a space car drop."Yo Presley you're in charge until I get back okay buddy?  Don't let the crew get too rowdy while I'm gone okay?  They can have ice cream, but only if they eat all their vegetables first," she said as she headed off to the space car.

The chief navigator nodded solemnly and said, "I shan't let you down ma'am."

Moments later the space car was falling through the nothingness of space towards the mysterious Asteroid X.As the space car tumbled toward it Sloane noticed that Asteroid X was no ordinary asteroid for a series of rocket boosters had been installed which caused the chunk of space rock the hurtle through the vast nothingness far faster than any ordinary non-X asteroid would have.  She had no idea what to expect down on the surface of that foreboding space rock.  Maybe Joker was right.  Maybe a space ghost had sent the transmission to lure Sloane and her crew to a creepy death that kids on the intranet would embellish and tell to one another in an effort to creep each other out. 

 _BAM!_  The space car slammed into the surface of Asteroid X sending a jolt of impact damage up through Sloane's spine.  "Tali, turn on the radio to an open frequency," she said.  The Quanri woman nodded and flipped on the radio.  Almost instantaneously the creepy transmission began, "Hello...are you out there?  Bavarian terrorist....to crash Asteroid X...Populated II."

"Hello?" Sloane replied, "Are you a ghost?"

"No...ost...from the research team.  The Bavarians.......X into Populated II."

"Can you fix your radio or something?  You sound like a static ghost.  It's really creepy and also hard to understand what you're trying to say."

"Sorry," there was a noise that sounded like dials being turned and the hiss of the static began to clear. "Is this better?" the voice asked.  Without the hiss of creepy static it was clear that it was a woman's voice.

"Yes.  So what's the problem here?" Sloane asked.

"Bavarian terrorists have taken over the asteroid and have changed the course so that it with crash into the planet of Populated II," the woman said over the radio, "Please turn off the rocket boosters so that doesn't happen."

Sloane could see one of the rocket boosters, blaring in the distance, pushing Asteroid X ever closer toward Populated II, home of close to a million colonists.  "Alright, we'll go turn off the rocket boosters," Sloane said, "I'd hate to have the deaths of one million people on my conscience.  Liara, set course for that rocket booster over in the distance."

Liara nodded and steered the car closer to the rocket booster.  Suddenly, and quite without warning, gun turrets surrounding the rocket booster came online and began fire laser blasts toward the space car, much to the surprise of all on board the space car.  Liara took evasive maneuvers to avoid the laser blasts blasting all over the blasted place.  It was quite obvious she'd taken a defensive driving class or two in her time.  Sloane had not.  She had taken offensive driving and thus got into the gunner's pod and began blasting shit at the gun turrets firing at them.  She was a good shot, one of the best space car gunners in all the Alliance and thus the gun turrets didn't stand a goddamn chance.   They were soon smoking wrecks of blown up gun turrets.

The trio of women hopped out of the space car and made their way into the rocket booster's command center located directly beneath the screaming inferno that was the rocket booster.  As soon as they were inside they heard the sound of an oom-pah band.  Bavarians.

The Bavarians, spotting Sloane and her posse, threw down their tubas and beer steins and took up their laser blasters and began blasting lasers all over the place.  Sloane dove behind a space crate and cast a space magic spell at the Bavarians that sent them hurtling across the room and into a wall.  She then popped out from behind the box and blasted the shit out of the Bavarians and their space dogs with her shotgun.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!"  Bavarians exploded like a smashed Bavarian cream donuts, only their filling was not nearly as creamy or delicious looking.

With the Bavarians out of the way, Sloane made her way to the command center and shut off the rocket booster.  "Good job!" the woman's voice came over the intercom, "I'm seeing that one of the rocket boosters has been disabled."

"Yeah, we just shut it down," Sloane said, "Who are you anyway?"

"My name is Kate.  I'm with the research team here...oh shit...I think there are some Bavarians here...please hurry..."  There was the sound of a scuffle and Kate's voice suddenly cut off.  Things just got a whole lot more serious!

**Commercial Break**

The laser hit Sloane center mass.  Luckily she had a space magic barrier and also was wearing a suit of pretty badass space armor, so she shrugged if off like a stubbed toe.  The shooter, a human male in his middle years, however freaked the fuck out, "Oh fuck!  I didn't know you were a human!  I'm so sorry.  I thought you were one of those Bavarians.  I should have known by the lack of lederhosen that you weren't a Bavarian.  Stupid!  Stupid! Stupid!"  The man began hitting himself in the head.

"Hey!  Hey!  Stop that!  Listen, I'm Sloane Shepard, and I'm a Spectre.  It's going to take a lot more than a single shot from shotgun to take me out.  What is that anyway?  A Hammer I?  Ha!" Sloane said, "Anyway I hear you guys have some trouble with Bavarians trying to send this rock down onto Populated II, so I'm here to stop them."

"Thanks, my family is down in Populated II," the man said, "The name's Simon by the way.  I'm the chief of this asteroid."

"Well met Simon.  Can I ask why you even thought to put rockets on an asteroid and bring it out here?"

"Well, they figured it was cheaper to bring the asteroid in orbit and mine it out here they to send crews out to the asteroid and mine it out in deep space," Simon said, "Plus if it was in orbit it'd make a good foundation for a space base once all the ore had been depleted."

"That's a pretty solid plan," Sloane said, "So it's up to me to make sure these goddamn Bavarians don't mess it up.  If you'll excuse me, I'm off to turn off the other rocket boosters."

"Yo thanks.  By the way, watch out over at the other rocket booster, we've got some landmines set up in front of the building that will probably blow up your space car.  You might be able to walk past them alright though."

Sloane thanked Simon for the hot tip and told him to get somewhere safe and then hopped back into the space car with Tali and Liara and hauled ass toward the next rocket booster.  Sure enough there was a mess of of landmines spread out near the entrance, but lucky for Sloane they had forgotten to place any mines near the rear of the building so after parking the space car, she and her companions just walked around from the back of the building to the front door and entered the rocket booster control center.  Again, nearly as soon as they had entered they were set upon by Bavarians with tubas, beer steins, accordions, and laser blasters.  

The second verse was same as the first with Bavarians getting their shit ruined by Sloane and company, but as Sloane shut down the rocket boosters Kate came back on the horn, "Please hurry, there are Bavarians right outside...OH FUCK!"  A shot rang out and Kate screamed, "You killed my brother!"

A gruff, German voice came over the intercom, "Who is this?"

Sloane was livid, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" and clicked off the intercom.

Back in the command center the Bavarian who had just shot Kate's brother in cold blood looked at his second in command and ordered him to find the asshole who was turning off the rocket boosters and take care of them...permanently.

Sloane hauled ass across Asteroid X to the next rocket booster and shot her way into the command center, gunning down the Bavarians there within with little fanfare.  No one would mourn their deaths.  Sloane blasted them apart not caring about their Bavarian wives, boyfriends and/or children back in Bavarian.  She then entered the command center and shut down the final rocket booster.  "And that's the end of that chapter," she said with a self-satisfied grin as she stepped out of the command center.

But the moment she exited, she was confronted by some more Bavarians.  Roughneck looking guys with beerguts that threatened to cause their lederhosen to burst asunder.  "Alright, stop right there," the Bavarian said in a cartoonish German accent, "Not another step."  Sloane didn't recognize him, but the viewers at home knew him to be the lead Bavarian's second in command.

"Look dude, this can end one of two ways, you guys can get in your spaceships and go home, or I can blast you into a bajillion pieces with my shotgun and space magic," Sloane said to the unknown to her Bavarian terrorist second in command.

The leader thought about it a moment and then said, "I didn't even want to come here.  I thought this was a dumbass plan, but Hans was all like 'We must send that asteroid into Populated II!  It's the only way!'"

"It's not the only way dude.  I'm giving you a chance to walk away."

"Oh alright.  Hans is kind of a dick anyway.  Here's a key to the main asteroid base.  Give him a couple shotgun blasts for me!" the Bavarian said as he handed Sloane a keycard.  He then took up his clarinet and proceeded to walk out of the rocket booster command center.

**Commercial Break**

It was time for the final showdown.  Sloane and company busted into the asteroid command center, their guns ready to blast.  As they entered the command center someone bellowed, "WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME!" over the intercom and then began to play "Jock Jam Megamix."  As mid-90s sportstechno blasted over the speakers, a heap of Bavarians rushed into the command center from side chambers.  These Bavarians were armed to the teeth with laser guns and laser knives and had their clarinets and tubas strapped to their back.  They'd clearly come to rumble.

What followed was a shootout to end all shootouts.  Sloane had thought that she'd never encounter a shootinger shootout than the shootout on Peak 15, but this was without a doubt the shootingest shootout that ever shot.  Lasers were flying all over the place with Bavarian gunmen shooting guns like it was their job, which in fact it actually was.  Sloane, Tali and, to a lesser extent, Liara, gave as good as they got.  What they lacked in sheer number of lasers they more than made up for in accuracy.  Soon a heap of Bavarians were dead, but more rushed in to take their place.

"Booooooooyah...." Sloane's shotgun scream asthmatically, for even the most mighty shotgun gets tired out after blast mad foes.

Fortunately her space magic was less exhausted so Sloane ripped Bavarians asunder with space magic and threw their ruined bodies about in a manner that would have made a sad Native American cry tears due to her caviler attitude towards littering.  And as the chunks of Bavarians piled up, mechanical security gunbots swooped in from on high, blasting lasers at Sloane and company and basically being dicks about it.  Swooping around shooting and then swooping some more so they couldn't be lasered.

"God these things are total D-bags!" Tali shouted as her shotgun wheezed a final pitiful "Booooooooyahhhhhh...."

Liara though was on point.  She was a goddamn space magic wizard, tear shit apart and flinging d-bag machines about.  Sloane felt a little ashamed at how pitiful her own space magic prowess was as she watched the Asari science lady shred robots to components as they flew about.  

Soon it was all done, except for the plot dump, and at precisely that moment Hans the Bavarian emerged to taunt Sloane.  "So, you were the one who ruined my plan..." he said in the most over the top fake German accent ever.

"Yup.  Give it up dude, your days are numbered!" Sloane shouted.

"That's what you think.  I set up a bomb that will blow up all the researchers that I captured unless you let me go."

"I don't understand why I can't just blow you away right now by shooting you in the head and thus prevent you from both causing the bomb to explode and escaping," Sloane said in confusion.

"Because it doesn't work that way!  Pick a choice!" Hans shouted wickedly.

"Can I ask you something first?"

"Oh fine...just be quick about it!"

"Did you capture a girl named Kate?  If you did, was she cute?"

"What?  I dunno.  I guess she was alright.  She looked...uh...clean I guess and had two arms.  Aren't you two both female members of your species anyway?"

That was good enough for Sloane.  She had made up her mind, "Get out of here Hans.  But know this the Alliance knows who you are now and is going to get you for this."

Hans smirked, "Okay.  For threatening to have me arrested by the Alliance in the near future I've decided to set off the bombs after all.  But to show that I'm not a terrible guy I've put them on a timer, so if you're quick maybe you can save everyone."

Sloane was hecka quick and the bombs were soon totally disarmed.  Right as she cut the blue wire on the last bomb Simon strolled in.  Sloane was poleaxed, "Dude I thought I told you to get somewhere safe!"

Simon shrugged, "I had a gun and thought that maybe I could help."

Tali scoffed and muttered, "Yeah, a Hammer I..." under her breath.

"Well it's all wrapped up nice and neat here so I guess you and your people can get back to the business at hand," Sloane said trying not to laugh at Tali's sick burn.

"I just saw that Bavarian dude get into a spaceship and fly away...are you sure it's all wrapped up?" Simon asked.

"He was going to blow up your people if I didn't let him go," Sloane said, "I made a choice."

"Are you going to get in trouble?" Simon asked, "I mean I'm glad you saved our people, but I don't want you to catch hell for doing so."

"Nah, one of our ships will pick him up as soon as I phone in the plates and Hans' description," Sloane replied, "Don't worry about it."

"Well thanks again.  After all this bullshit I've decided to go back home to Populated II and spend time with my family," Simon said, "Here, I want you to have this...it's not much, but it's all we've got."

Simon handed Sloane a suit of Qunari war armor.  Sloane took it and stared at him a tad perplexed.  "Why do you have Qunari war armor?" she asked.

"They did some work for us back in the day...this has been hanging out in my office forever.  I figured she could use it more than anyone here," he said as he motioned towards Tali, "Anyway, I should pack so I can go home and enjoy my retirement.  Goodbye."

Simon walked off and Sloane made her way into the cell the researchers had been held prisoner in.  There among the scientist she found a clean woman with two arms.  She was as lovely as Sloane had imagined her being.  "Kate I presume," Sloane said to the clean woman with two arms.  The woman nodded and said, "You must be the woman I spoke to on the radio.  I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."  Kate suddenly began to cry.

"I'm sorry," she said as she wiped her eyes, "it's just...they killed my brother.  He was the adventurous one.  He's the reason I was out here in the first place.  I should go...I've got funeral arrangements to make.  Thanks again for saving me from being blown up."

Sloane watched her go and then turned to her crew members and said, "Let's get out of here."

Liara started off towards the door.  Sloane watched as she walked away and then turned towards the camera and grinned.  There was a freeze frame and the credits rolled. 


	17. Mass Effect - S01E17 - Trapped On Wiemar Republic!

Sloane's limbs entwined with Liara's as the two women embraced and kissed passionately.  Sloane broke the embrace to remove her garments and then pulled the Asari woman's science fatigues up over her head.  Liara seemed to blush and then opened her mouth and said, "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy.  But here's my number, so call me maybe."

Sloane opened her eyes to find herself completely alone in her quarters. It had only been a dream. Somewhere in the darkness her space cell phone blared "Call Me Maybe." Who could possibly be calling her at this hour she wondered as she stumbled across the room to her desk and answered the phone.

"Hello?" she said groggily.

Holograms of the Asari and demon alien counselors appeared before her.  The Asari spoke first, "Our apologies Agent Shepard we did not mean wake you, but we've had a situation arise that is in dire need of attention."

"What kind of situation are we talking about here?" Sloane asked, suddenly becoming acutely aware of the fact that she was not wearing any pants.

The demon alien did not seem to notice her lack of pantaloons and replied, "The Citadel has spies on the Wiemar Republic.  They had been peeping a facility owned by Seville the Terrarium for several days.  Mere moments ago we received a transmission from them on the emergency frequency and fear the worst."

"What did the transmission say?" Sloane asked.

"That's just it, it didn't say anything.  It's just a repeating distress beacon on a secure channel.  That's why we are concerned," the demon said, "We have no idea what is happening there, but if they've tripped that distress signal it can't be good."

"Let me guess, you want me to go and see what's going on?" Sloane said.  The two counselors nodded simultaneously and Sloane sighed.  "Oh fine.  We'll go check out Wiemar."

"Be careful Agent Shepard," the Asari counselor said, "We have no idea what is happening down there.  It could very well be a trap."

"Yeah yeah yeah...I know.  Shepard out," she said and then hung up the phone. 

The holograms of the two counselors faded from sight and as she pulled on her pants she wondered why only two of them had called her.  Usually they came in a three pack.  Was that terrarium guy working for Seville or something?  It wouldn't surprise her if he was, the guy was kind of a dick, always clacking at her in an annoyed fashion.  With thoughts of another terrarium betrayal running through her mind she made her way up to the bridge.  Joker was still seated in his pilot's chair.  She was pretty sure he slept there.

"Yo Joker," she said as she approached, "I need you to set course for Wiemar.  There's a Citadel intelligence team down there that's run into some trouble and as usual it's up to us to save the day."

Joker saluted sarcastically and said, "Aye aye captain!  Engaging Mass Effect!"  Joker punched the Mass Effect button and the Normandy was snatched by a beam of Mass Effect and slingshotted halfway across the galaxy to the Wiemar Republic in an instant.  "Oh jit, we're coming in hot!" Joker said as the ship came out of Mass Effect and headed toward the planet.  "They've got some hella big guns down there...it's like they're over compensating for something."

"Joker just get us close enough for a space car drop and then head into orbit," Sloane said, "We'll get those guns offline."

Sloane headed toward the cargo bay where the space car was strapped in.  As she made her way down the halls of the Normandy she hailed Tali and Liara.  "Ladies we've got a mission, head down to the cargo bay double time."  

Tali and Liara had taken to Alliance military life quite well and were already in the cargo bay when Sloane, herself, arrived.  As they strapped on their guns and put on their space helmets, Sloane briefed them on the mission.  "There are some spies down there spying on Seville's base.  They just sent a distress signal, but no one knows what's up," Sloane said, recapping what the counselors had told her, "There are sub-orbital space guns shooting at us right now, so clearly something is going on down there. Our first objective is to get those guns offline.  If the Normandy can't land there's no way we can evac the spies down on the planet.  It's going to be gross fighting I think.  Lot's of space car driving and rocket launching, so let's get out there and give it 113%!"

Tali and Liara cheered and together the three women got into the space car.  "Space car ready to be deployed!" Sloane said into the intercom.  A moment later the cargo bay doors opened and the space car began its fall to the planet of Wiemar and into the unknown.

**Commercial Break**

Lasers were blasting all over the place as the space car hydroplane across the surface of Wiemar.  If not for the laser blasts and cyberman douchelords creeping all over the place, Wiemar would be a pretty nice place to holiday.  There were stunning beaches and rocky cliffs and palm trees all over the place.  Also cyberman AT-STs.  Hella cyberman AT-STs.

"Hey boss, I'm picking up readings for a power station a little bit ahead from where you are right now," Joker's voice squawked over the intercom, "If you take that out it should probably take care of the guns.  I've sent coordinates."

Sloane looked at the onboard navigation system at the location Joker had just pinged.  It was still a ways away.  They were going to have to blast through a bunch of shit to get to it.  She was certain they could do it, but it was going to take some time.  "Alright Joker, we see it," she said, "It's going to take awhile...we're coming up against some heavy small arms fire, so just sit tight in orbit until I give the word."

"Roger that," Joker said.

The space car rumbled forward, blasting laserbolts at the cybernetic foes that assailed them.  A cyberman AT-ST clomped forward, but Sloane was all like, "EAT IT!" and blasted a missile at the giant mecha blowing it up into a million and fourteen pieces of equal dimensions.  It was an impressive missile strike to say the least.

It was not long before the space car came upon a cyberman pillow fort with a gate that blocked them from progressing any further.  "Sloane, there's a gate in our way," Liara said, "I can't go any further in this space car."

Sloane picked up her shotgun and with a smirk said, "The we get out and open the door."

As they jumped out of the space car a mess of cybermen tried to put them on blast, but Sloane's shotgun screamed, "BOOYAH!" with a fury and tore hecka cybermen apart.  She didn't even feel bad about it.  In fact she blasted another cyberman and made her way up the stairs of the pillow fort to the second floor.  If there was a control panel that controlled the pillow fort's gate it would clearly be on the second floor.  The presence of additional cyberman uzi specialists and gunrunners gave her reason to believe that she was correct.  Sloane blasted the fuck out of them and then found the control panel she had rightly assumed to be located on the second floor of the cyberman pillow fort.

Sloane punched the large red button and below her, heard the sound of a gate sliding open.  Tali's voice came over the intercom, "Aw ye ye!  The gate's open now!  We can keep rolling!"

Down the stairs Sloane flew.  She jumped back into the space car with Tali and Liara and rolled through the now opened gate.  Cybermen tried to step to the space car, but they got their asses smoked.  Lasers and missiles blasted out of the space car, bringing death or whatever the equivalent to death there was for quasi-sentient machine men as it rolled across the cool waters of Wiemar.  With each moment they drew ever closer to the power station the was flashing on the space car's radar, and as they drew closer, the cyberman defense grew mightier.

Massive cyberman AT-AT's tromped towards the space car but Sloane lasered the shit out of them.  Apparently they hadn't got the memo: You don't fuck with the space car!  The unfuckwithable space car rolled up towards the power plant.  It was a low, two story building crafted out of pillows and couch cushions, and like the gatehouse pillow fort also had a gate before it that prevented the space car from rolling by like a boss.  Gunrunners popped up from behind space crates and made gun noises with their robot-mouths as they shot laser guns at Sloane's space car.

"Fuck that noise!" Sloane said and jumped out of the space car, her shotgun ready to bust.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" two cybermens were ripped apart by the resounding blast of a shotgun.  More cybermen rushed in to take their place, but Sloane, Tali and Liara were ready and blasted the crap out of them before making their way up the stairs.  More cybermen were ready to rumble, but who among us can withstand the "BOOYAH!" of a shotgun wielded by a Spectre?  They died real quick.  Real, real quick.

Up on the second floor Sloane spotted some computers and with one quick "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun, blasted the shit out of them.  All the lights went off and below her the gate sprang open.  Joker's melodic voice came squawking over the intercom, "We're getting readings that the guns are offline.  I'm going to bring the Normandy down in the spy camp.  We'll rendezvous with you over there."

"Okay Joker.  Be careful though, I came across a lot of AT-STs and AT-ATs on my way here.  There might still be some clomping about over there," Sloane said as she leaped nimbly into the space car.

"You got it dude!" Joker said.  

Sloane could hear the Normandy fly by overhead as the space car rolled through the gates and hydroplaned across the surface of Wiemar.  As they approached the coordinates of the spy camp, Joker once again came on the horn. "Hey boss, we landed but there's a bit of a problem?  The spies here say that we can't take off again.  We're trapped on Wiemar Republic!"

**Commercial Break**

Demon aliens...an entire camp filled to the brim with shifty-eyed demon aliens.  Sloane stood before the leader of the demon aliens on a white sand beach getting dressed down.  "You're it?!  You?  A handful of humans, a non-com Asari, a Terrarium cop, and a couple of non-Citadel species including a K-R-O-G-A-N?  You are our saviors?  Where are the fleets?  The space destroyers and space battleships?" the head demon alien asked in disbelief, "Didn't you get our message?"

"Your message was just 'Halp! Halp!' dude.  No one in the Citadel knew how fucked your situation was," Sloane said, "So we're it."

The boss demon alien sighed and looked at Sloane and her crew.  "I guess this will have to do," he said, "Alright, so the situation is this..."

"Oh god a plot dump..." Sloane thought as she steeled herself for the onslaught of plot dumpage that was about to go down.

"So we tracked Seville to a facility up in the cliffs.  He's bunkered in there pretty good so we figure something serious is going down.  I mean he's got hella cybermen strolling around and there were some Krogan's too.  A lot of Krogans actually.  Too many Krogans to be frank so we looked into it.  You know, tapped some wires, got a secret agent in there and we come to learn that Seville's fixed the genophage!  Dude's straight breeding Krogans up there to use as slaves!  So I don't think I need to tell you what needs to be done...but what kind of a plot dump would this be if I didn't?  We gotta blow up that facility and destroy all evidence of the genophage cure!" the demon alien leader said.

"DESTROY THE CURE TO THE GENOPHAGE?!  THAT'S MY SPECIES' FUTURE YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT!" Wrex shouted.

"Well, yes, of course...we can't very well let Seville grow an army of Krogans can we?"

"GRUMBLE!" Wrex grumbled and then stormed off down the beach kicking sand at lounging demon aliens and grumbling profanities.

Sloane turned towards the boss demon alien and asked, "Hey guy, what the genophage?"

The demon alien leader looked utterly poleaxed by Sloane's question and asked her straight up, "Do you really not know?  Jesus, what do they teach you back on Earth?  Back in the Great War, the terrariums used space magic to sterilize the krogans.  This magical sterilization was known as the genophage.  It was very justified and is the reason the krogans today are an endangered species.  Anyway it's not really my place to tell you want to do, but if I were you, I'd talk to that krogan of yours before he becomes a problem."

Sloane hated it when demon aliens were right, but this demon alien was right.  She needed to talk to Wrex.  She liked Wrex and all, but if he was going to get in the way of plot she wasn't going to be having it.  She crossed the beach towards where the krogan stood scowling angrily into the distance.  As she passed them several demon aliens whispered, "She's going to talk to that Krogan?  I don't envy her!"

"Hey Wrex," she said trying her damnedest to sound nonchalant.

"You're not seriously considering blowing that entire fortress up are you?!  There's a cure from my people in there!" Wrex shouted.

"Look Wrex we gotta blow up that facility and where this a sane world in which shades of grey were allowed, we could download the data and work to cure your people the right way, but such reasonable choices never present themselves so it's either blow up the facility and lose the cure to the genophage or let Seville have an army of Krogan slaves and not even attempt to steal the cure from him.  It's stupid as fuck I know, but what can you do?" Sloane said and shrugged her shoulders.

"OH I CAN THINK OF SOMETHING!" Wrex said as he drew his assault rifle and leveled it with Sloane's heart.

**To Be Continued...**


	18. Mass Effect - S01E18 - Dave Dies In This Episode

Wrex's assault rifle was pointed in Sloane's face.  "I trusted you dude...thought you were my friend.  Fuck, you helped me out more than even my own family ever did and now you want to pull this shit on me?!" the Krogan shouted angrily, "Those are my people in there!  My people...healed up from getting neutered and spayed."

Sloane's own shotgun was pointed back at Wrex.  The situation was hella tense.  "Dude those Krogans aren't your people.  They are mindless slaves to Seville.  If I thought for a second there was some way to use that research to legitimately help you and your people I would totally do it Wrex."

Wrex stared for a second and then lowered his gun.  "Alright Shepard, I just hope you know what you're doing," he said bringing an end to the Mexican standoff, "Just promise me one thing; when we find Seville we kill 'im!"

"You got it Wrex.  There's no way that fucker walks out of the final battle alive," Sloane said and then offered her hand to Wrex.  The Krogan took her hand in his and they shook.

Sloane turned and began to make her way back up the beach.  As soon as she was out of the earshot of Wrex she breathed a sigh of relief for she had been certain she was going to die.  The boss of the demon aliens caught sight of her and was all like, "Ho shit, I can't believe you talked that Krogan down.  I was certain he was going to blast the fuck out of you when he pulled out that laser gun."

"Yeah I was pretty sure I was going to die for a minute there too," Sloane said, "So now that that's taken care of, what's the situation?  What are we going to do about Seville's Fortress of Krogan Breeding?"

The boss demon alien stroked his chin and said, "Well, we've got a nuke we can place in his base and blow that shit straight to hell, but it's going to be a little tough to get in there.  I'm thinking that maybe you could sneak in with the nuke while my men and I storm the front gate and attack them, causing a distraction."

It was a pretty solid plan and Sloane told him as much but the boss demon alien wasn't finished with his plan.  "I'll need one of your crew to help coordinate things," he said.

"One of my crew?  Dude, it sounds like a suicide mission.  Besides, I've only got like six crew members unless you count Doctor Chocolate and Navigator X.O. Presley."

"I'll go," a voice suddenly said behind her.  Sloane turned to see an unfamiliar looking everyman.  He had a really common looking face and was clad in an Alliance uniform, but Sloane was certain she'd never talked to him before, but before she could ask the guy who he was Ashley interrupted.  "Poppycock!" she said, "You outrank me and also are smart.  I'm just a grunt.  I'll go on the suicide mission."

"Ashley, Dave's going with the demons on the suicide mission alright?" Sloane said sternly, "I don't want to hear anything else about it."

"Yes ma'am."

"I won't let you down ma'am," Dave said stoically.

"Whatever Doug," Sloane said before turning back to the the boss demon alien and asking, "So how are we supposed to carry the nuke into position?Those things are bulky as fuck.  I can't very well do a top secret stealth mission while lugging a goddamn nuke around with me."

"Hmmm..." hmmmed the boss demon alien, "You do have a point.  I guess we could send the nuke in on your spaceship.You can sneak in while we create a distraction, disable the shields, and then your ship can deliver the nuke."

It was a good plan."That's a good plan," Sloane said before telling Ashley, "Yo, Ashley go with Joker and make sure that bomb gets to us in one piece okay?Wrex.Tali.You two are with me.  Alright guys, let's do this!"

The boss demon alien nodded and the delivered a stirring bit of oration that would have surely gone down as one of history's great speeches had anyone in attendance bothered to record it.Those who were present that day remember the boss alien talking about "a lot of stuff but mostly the importance of holding the line...whatever that meant."An Alliance gunnery sergeant who was present that day was later quoted as saying, "As far as alien speeches go it was pretty solid.It really pumped us up before the big fight, which may have made what happened later all the more devastating."

**Commercial Break**

Wrex Da'House slogged through the water blasting cybermen as soon as they came into his line of fire.His assault rifle had not stopped humming its song of death since they had started their approach on Seville's Creepy Science Fort.

"Is Wrex okay?" Tali asked as she and Sloane jogged to keep up with the rampaging Krogan.

"He'll be alright I think.He's just working off some steam is all.Enjoy it while you can," Sloane offered as she watch Wrex pick up a wounded cyberman uzi specialist and deliver a life ending backbreaker."I'm going to need you fresh when we get to the backdoor anyway."

Tali nodded and said, "I understand.  Hey Shepard, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," replied Sloane.Up ahead Wrex was bellowing profanity and delivering Mortal Kombat style fatalities to the cyberman defenders.

"What's going on with you and Liara?" Tali asked, "Like when she first joined up with us you didn't seem to like her much and then all of a sudden you're blushing like a schoolgirl whenever she talks to you.  What's the story?"

"I don't know really.I think something happened to me after I got brain fuckled.After I came back from Noveria I couldn't stop thinking about her.Maybe it was space magic.Maybe I was just lonely.I don't really know."

"Well, I think you should totally hook up with her if you haven't already.  You two are adorable together and she makes you a lot less scary," Tali said as she walked past a heap of sparking cyberman guts.

Sloane laughed aloud."You thought I was scary?"

"Maybe scary is the wrong word," Tali said, "Maybe intimidating is better.You were always so confident and sure of yourself.Seeing you trip over yourself and turn red when Liara looks at you makes you a lot more relatable...and then Liara's such a nerd that I don't think she even realizes the effect she has on you.Like I said I think you two are adorable.Ah, we're here."

Wrex stood before them, huffing and puffing, his body armor covered in cyberman gore.Beside him was an access terminal that he motioned to and in a gruff voice said, "Tali..."

Tali smiled, holstered her shotgun, and approached the terminal.She powered up her glowing Power Glove.She punched a series of commands into it and a moment later the terminal light up.

"We're in," she said, "I could set off the alarms at the front gate and try to draw the guards away from the backdoor if you want."

"Nah.Danny and the demon aliens will have a hard enough time without us sending more guards their way.Besides, we have Wrex."

Wrex laughed and shouldered his assault rifle."You're goddamn right you do."

"Okay," Tali said.She then punched some data into her Power Glove and the doors slid open.

Wrex rushed forward and before Tali had even logged out of the terminal the sound of laser blasts and Wrex screaming, "Come git some!" could be heard from within the Creepy Science Fort.  Sloane and Tali readied their shotguns and made their way into the Creepy Science Fort.  There were creepy experiments all about and a mess of dead cybermen and Krogans.  Somewhere in the distance the sound of Wrex wrecking house could be heard.  The two women made their way towards the sound of combat ready to get their gunfight on, but again the only found corpses.  Wrex was a one man wrecking crew.

When Tali and Sloane finally caught up with the Krogan bounty hunter he was standing in an office, his laser gun pointed at an Asari secretary.  As Sloane entered, the Asari woman turned her gaze toward the door and shouted, "Oh thank the goddess!  Please help.  This Krogan has gone mad!"

"I don't really care what he does," Sloane said, "I'm here to blow this place up and kill everyone inside."

"Oh god please.  I just answered an ad in the classified section...I don't want to die.  Here!" the secretary punch buttons on a wallmounted keypad, "This lift will take you up to my boss' office.  Ransack his files...I don't care.  He's not paying me enough for this shit."

"Alright," Sloane said, "Wrex, don't kill her."

The Krogan nodded and the secretary ran for the door.  "You better haul ass," Sloane said as the woman made her way out of the office, "because I am going to nuke the fuck out of this place in a couple minutes."  Upon hearing this, the secretary let out a wail of despair and ran double time out of the office.

Sloane, Wrex and Tali then made their way to the lift and rode up to Seville's office.  His office was pretty Spartan to say the least.  There was naught in the office save for some scaffolding and a weird pillar looking thing.  No leather sofa.  No filing cabinets.  Nothing.  Sloane was somewhat disappointed but made her way down the scaffolding to the pillar and touched it.  Suddenly her mind was awash with creepy imagery.  It was another Ancient Alien beacon.

"Fuck..." she moaned weakly as the visions of machines drilling into flesh and shit that looked like a mid-90s Marilyn Manson music video faded.

"Are you alright Shepard?" Tali asked.

"Yeah I'll be fine.  C'mon let' s get out of here," Sloane said and she started back towards the lift.  She had not gotten very far before a random hologram of some kind of huge robot appeared before her.  "Who the fuck are you?" she asked angrily.

"I should ask the same of you," the giant robot said, "You are not Seville."

"No shit Sherlock," Sloane spat, "Hey wait a second...are you that charismatic spaceship Matriarch Boob Witch told me about?  You can talk?"

"Ho jit..." Tali said in surprise, "That would make it an AI..."

"I am so much more than that!  I am alpha and omega.  I am legion.  I am..."

"A Reaper!" Sloane exclaimed.

The hologram looked a little disappointed, "Way to ruin my big reveal asshole."

"That's not all I'm going to ruin.  I am going to wreck house on you and Seville and anyone else who tries to fuck with this galaxy," Sloane said.

"Ha!  We have destroyed countless organics across the eons, most far more advanced and intelligent than the likes of you," the charismatic hologram said, "What chance do you think you really have?"

"A helluva good chance!" Sloane said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a nuke to detonate."

The hologram muttered something and then faded from sight as Sloane walked through it and into the elevator.  Upon reaching the ground floor the calming voice of Joker shouted into her ear, "The guns and shit are down, we're landing with the nuke at the coordinates I'm patching through to you.  Meet us there and help us nuke the shit out of this Creepy Science Fort," he said over the intercom.

"You got it dude!" came Sloane's reply.  This was it, the final showdown with the Creepy Science Fort.

**Commercial Break**

The Normandy landed in the drainage trench and a moment later Ashley emerged leading the nuke down the gangplank.  She and some nameless Alliance soldiers brought the nuke near the Creepy Science Fort's generator and began the painstaking process of arming the nuke.  Suddenly Dave "Wedge" Kaidan's voice came over the intercom, a really common voice that suited his anonymous, everyman visage quite well.  "We're taking heavy fire up here," the living default create-a-character said, "Make sure nothing gets through demon aliens!  We gotta give them time to set up that bomb!"

"Danny, we're coming to save you bud!" Sloane said, "No one gets left behind on my watch...except those guys on Acooze...and Biggs back on Eden One...but no one else!"

"Negative Commander," Dave Kaidan replied, "You set up that bomb...we've got this covered!" The sound of heavy laser blastin' filled the intercom.

Sloane looked at Ashley, "Ash, finish setting that up and then gun the fuck out of any cybermen or non-Wrex Krogans that come up this way.  I'm going up to save Dave and those demon aliens."

"You got it chief," Ashley replied.

Sloane made her way to the lift and headed up to the gun tower that Dave Kaidan and company were pinned down in.  Several cybermen gunrunners tried to ruin Sloane's day, but her shotgun screamed "BOOYAH!" at them louder than it ever had before and the gunrunners were reduced to a heap of scrap metal and wrecked gears and shit.  As she made her way toward the gun tower the intercom squawked to life.  "Uh, Commander?  It's Ashley.  How are you doing?"

"Pretty good.  What's going on Ashley?"

"Yeah we're kind of taking a lot of fire here.  I'm going to blow up this nuke and die in a heroic sacrifice okay?"

"No.  Not okay.  I'm coming back for you."

"But Dave's in some shit.  He's a Lieutenant...I'm just a grunt.  Noble heroic sacrifices are our bread and butter," Ashley said.

"No!  No heroic sacrifice," Sloane said, "Donnie, I'm sorry man, I gotta make sure that bomb gets set.  Just hold tight a minute longer okay?"

"Alright Commander...and if you can't get back up here, just know that it's been an honor serving with you, and sorry if I was creepy when I asked you out the other day," Dave Kaidan replied.

"That was you?  Shit man, I had no idea.  Anyway, hold tight awhile longer okay?" Sloane said as she jumped back into the elevator and rode it back down to the drainage trench in which Ashley and some grunts as nameless and faceless as Doug Kaidan were coming under hella heavy fire.  Sloane joined in the fray posthaste blasting mad foes with her shotgun.  Krogans were getting smoked and cybermen were getting smote, but then suddenly some kind of thing swooped down and threw a grenade in the general area of Ashley and the nuke.

"SEVILLE!  YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Sloane shouted, recognizing the clacking praying mantis lizardman riding about on the Silver Surfer's surfboard.  

"Commander Shepard, come!  Join us!  Me and the cybermen and of course Sovereign...the very charismatic spaceship that I am sure you have discovered is actually a Reaper.  Resistance is futile.  The Reapers wrecked house on the Ancient Aliens, what hope do you have."

"Dude you have totally gotten brain fuckled by that spaceship.  I'd rather die than become a brain fuckled slave!" Sloane shouted and then with one fluid motion she aimed her shotgun and pulled the trigger repeatedly, firing off four shots in rapid succession until the gun became hot to the touch.  The bullets flew straight and true, slamming into the clacking Terrarium asshole.

The blast from the shotgun knocked Seville from his space surfboard into the murky water of the drainage ditch, but he had freaky strength and rushed up on Sloane and grabbed her by the throat like he was going to chokeslam her, but Sloane punched him, a hard right hook right in the mandibles that laid him out.  Behind her Ashley had hit the button to arm the nuke but was promptly shot for her troubles by a cyberman.

"The fuck is going on here Shepard?!" Wrex shouted as he blasted more foes than he could count.

"I have no idea!  Let's get out of here!" Sloane said as she hoisted Ashley over her shoulder like a 1950s drawing of a caveman taking a wife.  With Ashley slung over her shoulder Sloane made her way into the Normandy with Tali and Wrex laying down cover fire.

She did not notice the very charismatic spaceship swoop in and save the stupid dickbag, Seville, at the very last moment, but as the Normandy sped away from the Wiemar Republic, the nuke exploded, wrecking house on Seville's Creepy Science Fort.  From the medical bay, Sloane watched the explosion bloom like a mushroom.  Somewhere down there Dory Kaidan had been reduced to atoms...

**To Be Continued...**


	19. Mass Effect - S01E19 - Hump Jamz

The mood in the conference room of the Normandy was heavy as fuck.  People seemed really down about Dave Kaidan dying for some reason.  Sloane, herself, couldn't really understand it.  The guy had more or less kept to himself, except that one time he tried to put the moves on her.

"Dammit...it should have been me," Ashley Williams muttered to herself, "He out ranked me and could do space magic and stuff.  It's my fault he's dead."

"Pull yourself together Williams.  It was my call and I chose you alright?  Besides he was on borrowed time anyway.  Dude was a Wedge...his death should have happened ages ago," Sloane said.

Garrus the Terrarium looked confused and clacked, "I'm sorry, what's a Wedge?"

"You know a Wedge.  Biggs and Wedge?  A red shirt?  One of those grunts completely devoid of character or personality that accompany a hero in the early goings of a video game or movie or something before the hero has more unique and interesting allies.  They usually die right before the hero meets up with some legit party members.  Dan Kaidan was a Wedge," Sloane said, "So enough about him.  He served his purpose admirably, but we've got bigger fish to fry.  The Very Charismatic Spaceship is apparently a Reaper and Seville the Terrarium is totally under his control...also I touched another one of those beacon things and got another dose of creepy blasted into my brain by it."

Liara's eyes lit up.  "Another piece of Ancient Alien history seared itself into your mind?  Perhaps if I were to brain fuckle you I would be able to make some sense of it all."

Sloane shrugged, "Sure why not."  She stood and walked to meet Liara in the center of the room.  

The two women lock eyes and in an instant Sloane felt Liara inside her.  It was not as weird or unpleasant as the first time it had happened.  The Asari science lady's eyes went wide as images of the downfall of the Ancient Aliens filled her mind.  After a moment Sloane could no longer feel Liara's mind within her own.

"Ilos...the Conduit is on Ilos," Liara said weakly.

"Why didn't you say something before?" Sloane asked.

The research scientist looked ashamed and said, "I did not recognize the system before your mind downloaded that last bit of Ancient Alien history, but now I am certain of it...oh I feel dizzy..."

"You don't look so good.  That's not what I mean...you look good...real good in fact," Sloane blurted out.  Jesus Christ what was wrong with her?  Her crew was listening to her go on about how hot Liara was.  She quickly said, "I mean you don't seem to be well.  You should go see Doctor Chocolate."

Liara nodded and said, "Thank you Sloane," before leaving the conference room.

As the door hissed shut Sloane looked around the conference room.  Melancholy piano music was playing and everyone looked like they were about two seconds away from crying.  "Guys we're going to head back to the Citadel, so just go and chill out until we get there alright?  We've all been through a lot today.  Meeting dismissed."

Her crew filed out of the room, leaving Sloane alone with her thoughts.  Even though he'd been a Wedge, Derek's death brought back memories of Acooze.  She was going to have to do better if she was going to take down Seville and the Very Charismatic Spaceship.  No more casualties.

**Commercial Break**

"So you think that Seville is going to attack the Citadel with this crazy spaceship of his?" the Asari counselor asked.

"That's right, but you left out one thing.  The spaceship is a Reaper and apparently there's a whole heap more of them.  I think that before Seville attacks he's going to go to Ilos to get the Conduit.  I'd like to go there and stop him myself.  It's a lot safer to fight him out then it would be to wait for him to attack the Citadel," Sloane said.

Ambassador Udina scowled, "Be reasonable Shepard.  You've done good work, but going into the Traverse to investigate Ilos would guarantee war with the Traversers, and for what?  A fairy tale?"

"Fuck you Udina.  I'm going to Ilos and you can't do shit to stop me.  I'm a Spectre."

"I can ground your ship.  You're not going anywhere with an Alliance vessel without my say so, now get out of my sight!" the Ambassador said with a real bastardy grin.  Sloane never wanted to knock someone out so bad in her life.

* * *

Sloane sat on the floor of the Normandy leaning up against her locker in the most high school emotastic manner possible.  How could Udina be such a dickbag?  Did no one care that the entire galaxy could be destroyed in she and her crew didn't get to Ilos before Seville the Terrarium?

"Sloane are you okay?"

Sloane looked up to see Liara standing above her.  "I'm fine," she replied, "It's just we're grounded here while Seville heads towards Ilos unchallenged.  The galaxy is going to get wrecked because of stupid political nonsense."

"This isn't the Sloane Shepard that I know," the Asari science lady said, "The Sloane Shepard that I know never gives up, even when up against insurmountable odds.  That's what I love most about you Sloane Shepard..."

"Did you just say you love me?" Sloane asked, taken aback by the words Liara had just said.

Liara blushed slightly and batted her eyelashes.  "I did," she said and then extended her hand to Sloane, offering to help her stand. 

Sloane took Liara's hand and stood slowly.  She looked Liara in the eyes and the two women moved closer to each other.  She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she and Liara locked fingers.  She could feel Liara's breath on the nape of her neck as the Asari science lady pulled Sloane to her.  Sloane closed her eyes and leaned forward ready to kiss Liara...

"YO COMMANDER!  Get out of that locker room and head to the bar called Flux.  Commander Anderson just called me and said he wanted to meet with out.  Said he might be able to help you get off the Citadel with the Normandy!" Joker's lovely voice came bleating over the intercom totally ruining the romantic moment that was transpiring up against the lockers.

"Are you spying on me Joker?" Sloane asked.

"What?  No...I mean why would I possibly want to see what you are doing?" Joker asked and then laughed nervously, "Anyway you should probably go see Anderson.  I was pretty sure that this was a race against time sort of situation."

Sloane looked longingly at Liara, but the Asari woman cast her eyes downward and said, "He's right.  It is imperative that we get to Ilos as quickly as possible.  If Commander Anderson can help us get off the Citadel, we should go and see him at once.  Shall I go and fetch Tali while you gather your things?"

Sloane looked down at her feet and said, "Yeah.  I meet you two in the airlock."  She was really beginning to hate being a Spectre and having the fate of trillions of humans and aliens depending on her.  It was really hampering her sex life.

**Commercial Break**

A bass drop that nearly tore the very fabric of reality asunder dropped as Sloane, Tali and Liara entered Flux.  It did not seem the sort of place that Commander Anderson would ever frequent, which is perhaps why he had chosen it as their rendezvous point.  As the crossed the room Liara pouted and wondered aloud if the music that reverberated through the club was so loud so that the people dancing had an excuse not to talk to one another.  Tali scoffed and said she liked it.

"Shepard, if you hadn't already given me that cyberman data so I could complete my pilgrimage, I'd probably try and score a copy of this jam to take back to the Floatilla with me," Tali said as a song Sloane felt to be overly derivative of famed 21st century composer, Skrillex, blared over the club's sound system, "I'm sure everyone on the Qunari fleet would enjoy these dope beats and phat ass bass drops."

Sloane just nodded and said, "Look, there's Anderson.  Let's go talk to him."  If Sloane was going to be honest with herself, she was more in agreement with Liara about the music.  It was too loud, and generally pretty annoying.  Maybe it was more than the brain fuckling that caused Sloane to have feelings for Liara, but this was neither the time nor the place for such thoughts.  She put the Asari from her mind as she took a seat across from Ex-Commander Anderson.

"Dude, I don't know how you can deal with this paperwork bullshit," Sloane said, "I was about ready to put my fist through Udina's goddamn face...and that was before he even grounded the Normandy.  How the fuck is that even possible?  I mean first of all I'm a Spectre.  I thought our entire thing was we didn't answer to anyone and beside that Udina's not even Alliance military.  Where the fuck does he get off telling me what I can or can't do?!"

"You done venting Shepard?" Anderson asked, "I have a plan to get you out of here with the Normandy, but if you want to curse out Udina some more I can wait.  Should I order myself another drink?"

"No I'm done.  So, what's the plan?" Sloane asked.

"Well, I'm thinking I can sneak into the Citadel's air traffic control tower and override the lock Udina's put on the Normandy," Anderson said, "You'll have a couple minutes to power up the Normandy and take off before I'm undoubtedly discovered by C-Sec and beaten senseless and then thrown in prison."

"No offense Ex-Commander Anderson, but that is a pretty terrible plan," Liara said.

"Yeah, she's right.  Isn't there some other way you could override the lockdown without getting your skull split by C-Sec beat cops?" Sloane asked.

"Hmmm...I could log in on Udina's computer and try to override it from there," Anderson offered as he sipped his drink.

"I doubt he'll just let you use his computer," Tali said.

"I'll have to wait until he's gone," Anderson said, "Those are pretty much our only two options though."

"Alright then.  If it were me, I'd go with Udina's computer.  There's less chance of you going to prison and if you have to fight it out I think it'd be easier to take out Udina than a heap of beat cops with batons and tear gas," Sloane said.

"It's decided then," Anderson said.  He pounded the remaining drink left in his cup and stood.  "Head back to the Normandy and tell Joker to be ready.  I don't know how long you'll have once I override the lockout before air traffic control is on to you, so you'll need to haul ass as soon as I give the word."

"I don't know if Joker will go along with this.  I don't know if anyone will," Sloane said, "It's treason at worst...unlawful departure at best."

"Shepard, they're your crew through and through.  They'll follow you to the end of the universe if you ask them to," Anderson said.

Sloane nodded and said, "I guess you're right.  Thanks Commander.  Oh, and one more thing Commander.  Be careful alright?"

"You too Shepard.  Keep your com open and be ready to Mass Effect the second I give the word."

Sloane watched Anderson walk across the dancefloor and exit the club.  She and her companions followed suit a moment later and hailed a cab to take them back to the Normandy.  She watched the lights of the Wards streak by as the spacecab made its way though the city.  If Anderson couldn't get the Normandy unlocked all of this could be destroyed by Seville and the Very Charismatic Spaceship, and even if Anderson succeeded there was still a good chance that she could blow it all dooming everyone in the Citadel to death or slavery under very charismatic spaceships.

* * *

"Fuck you Udina!" Anderson's voice came over the intercom followed by the sound of a scuffle and a body hitting the floor.  A moment later Anderson's voice once more sounded, "Shepard, the lockdown's been overridden get the shit out of here!"

From her position behind Joker, she gave the command.  "You heard the man, Joker.  Let's haul ass to Ilos!"

The space pilot let out a triumphant cheer of "AW YE YE!" and threw the Normandy into reverse and backed out of its parking space.  Sloane could see several C-Sec officers rush out of the elevator onto the docks and open fire on the ship as is backed away.  "Hold on to your hats boys and girls.  We're going into Mass Effect right now!" Joker intoned over the intercom and then floored the Normandy into the Mass Relay.  The sound of Mass Effect happening echoed throughout the ship and in an instant the Citadel was gone.

"Nice flying Joker," Sloane said.

"I did tell you I was the best pilot in the entire Alliance didn't I?  Anyway the Terminus System is kind of outside our jurisdiction so we're going to have to take it kind of slow now, you might want to go get some rest before we arrive at Ilos and you go down and be a hero or whatever it is that you do," Joker said.

Sloane agreed it was a good idea and made her way down to her quarters.  Sloane laid down on her bed and took out her Captain's Log from its secret hiding place beneath her bed, but before she could turn it on to recount the events of the day there was a knock on her door.  Sloane stashed the log and bid whomever was on the other side of the portal enter.  To her surprise it was the Asari lady scientist, Liara.  Sloane pinched herself to make certain she was not dreaming, for she had recently had several lurid dreams that began precisely in this fashion.

"I hope I am not bothering you Shepard," Liara said as she entered the room.

"No, not at all," Sloane replied, "Is there something you want to talk about Liara?"

The Asari cast her eyes down at the floor and said, "Yes.  In a few hours we will arrive at Ilos to face Seville in what could very well be the final battle.  I...I do not know if any of us will survive, and so I would like very much to Join with you Sloane Shepard."

"Liara.  Are you sure?  I don't want you to do anything that you aren't ready to do," Sloane said.  Her heart was pounding like a sledgehammer.

Liara looked up at her and smiled.  "Sloane I am certain.  I have never been more certain about anything before in my life," she said and then pulled Sloane to her and kissed her.

Now as I'm sure you all know, Sloane Shepard had kissed a few girls in her day, but never before had anyone kissed her quite the way the Asari lady scientist did on that fateful day.  Sloane could feel her knees turn to water as Liara's tongue met her own.  With clumsy fingers Sloane unbuttoned Liara's science fatigues and then then pulled her own uniform off.  Liara pushed Sloane onto the bed before crawling into bed like an Axl Rose snake.  Sloane bit her bottom lip as Liara did things to her that prior to that night Sloane had only thought to exist in poorly written fan fiction erotica.

Many hours later Sloane was completely spent.  A fine sheen of sweat coated her body.  "Holy fuck...that was amazing...you were amazing!  Fuck...I'm...fuck..." Sloane said as she stared appreciatively at the still nude Asari sprawled seductively upon her settee.  "That sounds really crude doesn't it?"

Liara tittered and shook her head.  "No, not at all.  I feel the same way Sloane.  I never would have expected the Joining to be so exhilarating!"

"So, you want to do it again?" Sloane asked with a wicked grin, but before Liara could reply, Joker's fucking voice interrupted over the intercom.

"Yo Commander, we're approaching Ilos now, there's hecka cyberman warships...I'm not going to be able to land," Joker bleated like a sheep.

"We'll do a spacecar drop," Sloane replied.

Sloane could hear the muffled voice of X.O. Presely in the background before Joker said, "Uh...X.O. Presley says that there's not going to be enough room...you'll only have about 20 meters to work with."

"We'll make it work Joker.  Tell Tali to meet me down in the cargo hold.  It's time we go wreck house on Seville once and for all!"

**To Be Concluded...**

 


	20. Mass Effect - S01E20 - Showcase Showdown!

The space car plummeted towards the surface of Ilos.Sloane watched the ground below rush up to meet them and heard the sound of explosions up above.She wondered if Joker had gotten the Normandy clear of the cyberman war frigates after opening the doors for the space car.   Two hundred meters.One hundred meters.Fifty.Below she saw a party walking toward a large structure of Ancient Alien design.It was Seville and his cybermen.One shot from the space car's cannon could end it all.

As the space car tumbled toward certain doom, Sloane exhaled sharply and pulled the space cannon's trigger launching a space missile that streaked past Seville and his goons and slammed into a crumbling flying buttress.The blast reverberated across the dead planet and Seville looked up at the ruin buttress and the falling rubble.He seemed to smirk as he hurried into the Ancient Alien building.

"Shepard?!" Tali shouted, "We're coming in too fast!  We're going to crash!"

Sloane shook the cobwebs of disappointment from her head and quickly flipped the retrorockets on.The rockets barely fired before the car slammed into the surface of Ilos.  Not her smoothest landing.A moment later and the space car would have been a mess of twisted metal and this time there would be no rescue.No recovery in a bacta tank.No do overs.

Tali breathed a sigh of relief."Can we not do that again...ever?"

Sloane nodded and ruffled her hair."Sorry about that," she said, "Come on.Seville just went into that building.If we're quick we can still catch him."

The trio of women climbed out of the space car and approached the massive Ancient Alien structure.Liara very nearly had a goddamn heart attack.

"Look at this!In all my years of studying Ancient Aliens I never thought I'd find myself on Ilos!It's incredible!" the Asari exclaimed excitedly.

Tali scoffed, "My people were looking for this planet for ages.They wanted to settle here.Now that I've seen it I'm glad they didn't.  I'd take the Floatilla over this creepy place any day."

Sloane was barely paying attention to the two lady aliens, instead focusing on the massive door before them.There did not seem to be any sort of handle or hinges to open it and the control panel seemed dead.  After a moment Sloane sighed and declared, "Well I guess the galaxy's fucked.  There's no way to open this door."

Liara approached the door and looked at the powerless control panel a moment.  "I've seen controls of this sort in Ancient Alien ruins before," she said, "There is usually a backup power source nearby.  I'm guessing that Seville probably cut the internal power once he went through, so if we find the backup generator we should be able to get these doors open."

"Alright, let's check it out then.  Be on your guard ladies.  Who knows what Seville left out here?  There could be cybermen crawling all over the place," Sloane said as she slung her shotgun off her shoulder.

Sure enough there were cybermen creeps creeping low and nasty all over the goddamn place, but fortunately Sloane, Tali, and Liara were tough ladies armed with shotguns and space magic and with the aforementioned shotguns and space magic tore the cybermen apart like a goddamn massacre.  The scoured the nearby buildings and basements for the generator.  Searched pavilions and plazas.  Finally, after killing a mess of cybermen, they found the generator in the last place they would have thought to look.

Liara, having some skill with Ancient Alien shit, hit a series of buttons causing the generator to hum to life.  Nearby a video screen powered up as well with a creepy corrupted image flickering weakly on the screen as it murmured, "The Reapers are coming...hide in the Archives...it's the only hope...death is among us...death is here..."

"To bad that video was in Ancient Alien," Tali said, "Would have been nice to know what it was saying."

"You didn't understand that?" Sloane asked.

Liara gasped and put her hand over her mouth.  "By the Goddess!" she exclaimed, "When you downloaded the Ancient Alien's history into your brain you must have picked up Ancient Alien language skills too!  What did it say?"

"It's still a pretty crappy recording, but it more or less was like, 'Reapers are coming!  Hide in the archives!'"

Liara clapped her hands and exclaimed, "That must be what that building Seville went into is!  The archives!  We should get back there posthaste!"

And so the trio of women did just that, tromping back the way they had come back to where they had left the space car.  The control panel to the massive doors of the Ancient Alien archives was now aglow with energy.  Somehow Sloane instinctively knew the passcode to the door and input it with ease.  The massive doors groaned open revealing a monolithic structure on unfathomable proportions.

"Let's take the space car," Sloane said, "The hall looks big enough and without it we'd be walking all day."

The three women climbed back into the space car and started up the engines.  Sloane hoped that the hard landing had not fucked up the axles or transmission or anything of that sort, but as the space car rolled forward her fears were proven to be unwarranted.  Human engineer baby!  The mighty space car rolled through the halls of the Ancient Alien Archives while Liara mourned the lost civilization.

"All those pods on the walls...they are cyropods.  The Ancient Aliens would have attempted to cryofreeze themselves when the Reapers attacked," she said as the space car ruined the shit of a pair of cyberman rocket fuckers, "They all seem to be inactive now.  What a terrible loss..."

After a long period of rolling hard down the halls of the archives in a goddamn space car they came to a force field of some sort.  The space car could not pass through the barrier, and so Sloane got out of the space car.  She could not bypass the barrier either and her shotgun had no effect upon it, and so she looked around.  She found a small tunnel; too small for a space car, but large enough for a human or a Asari or a Qunari to pass through.  A Krogan might have had a hard time and a Terrarium would probably have had to duck, but the trio of ladies had no trouble getting through the tunnel.  At the end of the tunnel they found an elevator.  The three women entered the elevator and Sloane pressed the button.  What would await them when the elevator stopped?  They would have to wait until after the commercial break to find out.

**Commercial Break**

A decrepit looking computer stood at the end of the small chamber that the elevator had taken them to.  Sloane had thought that perhaps the elevator would have led to a service passage through which they could have bypassed the barrier above them, but it was looking more and more like they were going to get a plot dump instead.  Sloane was dreading it with each step.  As she neared the computer it suddenly lit up and whirred to life.

"Greetings Sloane Shepard!  Allow myself to introduce myself.  My name is Vigil and I am a VI," the computer said.

"Umm...how do you know my name and how to speak space English?" Sloane asked.

"I've been listening to you three since you arrived at Ilos.  You seem far better than the other organic who came through here.  He seems to have been brain fuckled by a Reaper.  You three, however, are free of the taint," Vigil said, "And so I wish to help you.  The Ancient Aliens here worked in secret trying to uncover the secrets of the Reapears and how to destroy them.  The entirety of that knowledge is stored here within me.  It is most unfortunate that the Ancient Aliens  themselves did not survive to implement these plans, but what can you do?"

Sloane sighed.  This plot dump was going to take forever.  She steeled herself and asked, "So what do we need to do to stop the Reapers?"

"The Reapers exist in dark space when they are not reaping.  They stay there for eons...hiding...waiting for another organic species to emerge as an intellectual superpower before they strike.  It is a cycle that has repeated itself for millions of years," Vigil said.

"Dude we already got this plot dump," Sloane said barely masking the annoyance in her voice, "Speed it up a little alright?  Why not just tell us how they get out of dark space or something, since dark space is pretty much impossible to get to or from with any sort of technology people have."

"The Citadel.  It is a massive Mass Relay that the Reapers use to enter our galaxy from dark space.  They can emerge right outside the Citadel and wreck house on it and then, with the Citadel down and done, all transportation and communication between organic settlements falls apart and they can go from colony to colony and enslave organics and wipe them out.  It's really very sad."

"But how?  How do they use the Citadel as a Mass Relay?  How did no one discover this in all those years?" Sloane asked.

"Because the Keepers.  The Keepers run shit and therefore no one who discovered the Citadel really asked too many questions about how it operated.  So people would live and work in the Citadel until one day the Keepers would be activated for afar to turn on the Mass Relay and open a portal to dark space," said Vigil, "But the Ancient Aliens working here discovered this and devised a computer virus to install in Citadel's central computer and mess up the Keepers' ability to receive orders.  The few remaining scientists here that survived the reaping of the Ancient Aliens traveled there to install the virus so the Reapers could never again us the Keepers to activate the Mass Relay.  I believe this is why they have recruited the other organic to assist them.  I believe that he will use the Conduit to travel to the Citadel and activate the Mass Relay manually."

"Wait, the Conduit...it's not a weapon?" Sloane asked her mouth agog.

The holographic representation of Vigil seemed to dim slightly as it replied, "No, not a weapon.  You could think of it as a back door to the Citadel.  The scientists here studied how the Mass Relays worked and were able to develop one here that would take them to the Citadel.  Unlike other Mass Relays it was, unfortunately, only able to work in a single direction."

"So how do we stop them?  If Seville's already gone through the Conduit and can get to the central computer he can activate the Mass Relay and we're all boned," Sloane said.

"In my database is a file that will corrupt the central computer's ability to activate the Mass Relay," Vigil replied, "Copy that file and install it on the computer and you should be able to stop the invasion.  I am quite certain that if you hurry you will be able to stop that organic before he is able to complete the process necessary to activate the Mass Relay.  Hurry.  My time here is short...I have so little power remaining in my cells...goodbye Sloane Shepard."

The hologram faded from view and Liara looked as though she was about to cry, but Sloane didn't have time for tears.  She had a douchebag Terrarium and a very charismatic spaceship to stop!  She made a mad dash for the elevator and once Tali and Liara were aboard, hit the button.  The lift slowly rose to the ground floor and as they made their way back to the space car they discovered the force field had been disabled.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane shouted as she jumped into the space car.

She did not ever wait for Tali and Liara to buckle their seatbelts before she floored it.  The engines reved and the space car bounded forward through the halls of the archives, flattening the minuscule cyberman resistance Seville had apparently left behind.  "BANG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Sloane bellowed triumphantly as she ran over a squad of cyberman uzi specialists.  The space car tore ass through the passageways, taking corners like a champ.  Sloane and the space car had had their differences in the past, but today?  Today Sloane was one with the space car.  Today was an extension of her very being.

"Look at that!" Liara exclaimed as the space car came flying around a corner.

Sloane looked up to see a small Mass Relay that had just begun to glow at the far end of an amphitheater that was festooned with cybermen uzi specialists, gunrunners, AT-STs, AT-ATs and bazooka homies.  Time was of the essence.  The space cars needles were all in the red.  Sloane had pushed it too hard.  She closed her eyes and gently patted the space car's dashboard.  "Just a little bit further girl..." she whispered to the space car and once again slammed the gas pedal down to the floor.  The space car rocketed forward crushing a pair of uzi specialists under its wheels as it hurtled toward the Mini Mass Relay.

Laser blasts pinged off the space car's armor plating.  "We'll never make it!" Tali exclaimed.

"We will!" Sloane shouted and flipped a switch filling the space car's fuel lines with nitro.  The space car roared forward at a nearly comical speed and into the Mini Mass Relay.  Before going into Mass Effect.  Space car...IN SPACE!  It was like a dream come true for the space car to be soaring through the cosmos like a proper spaceship.

Moments later the space car emerged somewhere in the Citadel, flipped, and slammed into a barricade before bursting into flames.  Sloane, Tali and Liara crawled out of the burning wreck and looked at the space car.  It was obvious to all present that the space car was dead.  It had served them well, but there was no time for the three women to mourn their fallen comrade, for all about them the Citadel burned as cybermen invaders shot flamethrowers and rockets about with reckless abandon.  Sloane knew that they needed to get to the central computer in the Tower of Counseling posthaste or all was lost.

She dashed toward the elevator with Liara and Tali close behind her and hit the button.  Pleasing muzak filled the glass elevator as it began to rise above the flaming mess of Presidium below.  Suddenly the elevator came to a screeching halt.  Seville or one of his goons had cut the power.

"Ladies, strap on your gear.  We're going outside," Sloane said trying to sound all bad ass, but Liara snickered at the phrase "strap on" and Tali made a "That's what she said!" joke decreasing the bad assedness of the whole thing 43.9%.  "Seriously though, put on your space helmet Liara.  I'm going to shoot out the window and we're going to climb up the rest of the way outside the Citadel."

**Commercial Break**

The outside of the citadel was crawling with cybermen, but here in the nothingness of space, space magic was its strongest.  Sloane watched with envy as Liara dispatched hecka cybermen with her bionic powers and tried to follow suit with her own meager powers but soon decided that a shotgun was more her cup of tea.  She blasted a mess of cybermen into their most basic components.  Above them a fierce fire fight between Citadel spaceships and cybermen warships was being waged.  Sloane wondered if the Counselors had escaped from the Citadel or not.  She wondered where the Normandy was.  She'd been out of radio contact since landing on Ilos and wasn't even sure if Joker and the others had escaped unscathed.

The fighting was fast and furious.  Someone had overridden the Citadel's defense systems and now, in addition to cyberman jerkoffs, Sloane and her companions had to contend with Citadel gun turrets and anti-spaceship batteries.  It was slow going and Sloane cursed each moment spent in a trench picking off cybermen snipers.  There was no way they would get to Seville in time to stop him from activating the Mass Relay and summoning the entirety of Reaper fleet.  Sloane fired a shot, blasting a cyberman's head clear off its shoulders and then looked up.  The gates to the Citadel were closing, but she could see the very charismatic spaceship hauling ass towards the Citadel.  The gates were closing too slowly.  There was no way they would stop the very charismatic spaceship from getting it.

Sloane redoubled her effort firing a series of shotgun blasts.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" her gun overheated so she threw a thermal detonator at a gun turret and cast a space magic spell to tear an AT-ST asunder.  "C'mon guys.  We're wasting too much time here!" she shouted and pressed forward.  Her gun screamed "BOOYAH!" furiously as she gunned down a mess of cybermen.

The women made their way at last to a service entrance.  Sloane opened the lock and dropped down through the service entrance, emerging within the Tower of Counseling.  Like the rest of the Citadel, fires raged out of control and there was evidence of battle everywhere.  Dead C-Sec riot cops and mangled cybermen were strewn about.  Sloane rushed forward and saw Seville standing before the central computer.

"Get the shit away from that computer Seville!" Sloane shouted.

The Terrarium wheeled around and tossed a grenade in her general direction.  As she dived for cover she realized she probably should have just shot Seville in the back without saying anything.  As the smoke cleared she could see Seville dive down off the ledge upon which the stood.  A moment later, he reemerged on a hoverboard shooting a laser gun.

"I have been upgraded by the Very Charismatic Spaceship!" he shouted as he flew about the room, "See how great it is to join with them rather than fight the inevitable?"

"YOU TALK TOO MUCH!" Sloane shouted and then aimed her shotgun and pulled the trigger.  "BOOYAH!" it screamed as a single shell was fired from the shotgun.  It soared through the air piercing the Terrarium's dome.  Seville fell from his hoverboard down into a garden before a giant sheet of plate glass fell on him cutting him in two.

"CITADEL!  CITADEL!  Is there anyone there?!" a familiar voice suddenly squawked over the Tower of Counseling's intercom.

"Joker!  You're alive?" Sloane exclaimed.

"Commander is that you?" Joker replied, "Shit we thought you were a goner!  Anyway I'm sitting here with the Alliance fleet.  The Citadel flagship is taking heavy fire.  They got the counselors on board.  What do you think?  Should we fly in and save the day?"

Another familiar voice suddenly sounded, "Shepard?  Admiral Hackett here.  Your pilot's right, we can save the Citadel's flagship but the costs to the Alliance are going to be high."

"I'm not going to overstep my bounds Admiral, but if I were you I'd take my chances and save the flagship.  This is humanity's chance to show everyone what we're made of," Sloane said.

"Alright, we'll make the save, you get those gates open again so we can take out that very charismatic spaceship afterwards," Hackett said before using his, "Hackett out!" catchphrase.

Sloane took out her glowing Power Glove and looked at the central computer.  "I've got to install this code and get the gates open," she said, "Tali you and Liara go make sure that stupid Terrarium is actually dead."

"You got it dude," Tali said as she jumped down into the garden where the ruined corpse of Seville laid.  Sloane, meanwhile, uploaded Vigil's code to the Central Computer disabling the Citadel's Mass Relay until someone smarter than a mess of Ancient Alien scientists could figure out a way around the code she had just installed.  She then set to work on opening the gates.  

A moment later Joker's voice echoed through the hall, "We saved the flagship Commander, the Counselors are going to owe humanity big time.  The gates are opening now...the Alliance is going in hot.  AW YE YE!  LET'S DO THIS!"

Down in the garden Sloane heard a cry of "BOOYAH!"  She looked down to see Tali standing over Seville's corpse her shotgun smoking and a fresh hole in the dead Terrarium's head.  Tali looked up and gave Sloane a thumbs up.  Suddenly a bunch of robot shit burst forth from Seville's body.  "I HAVE BEEN UPGRADED!" the creepy robot Seville shouted as it leaped up to the ceiling.  Sloane, shotgun in hand, jumped down into the garden, ready to kill Seville one more time.

* * *

Outside Joker piloted the Normandy toward the massive spaceship perched upon a communication tower in the center of the Citadel.  It looked like a big ass hand, but for some reason he found it to be very charismatic.  As Joker strafed the charismatic spaceship he released a barrage of cannon fire.  It was enough to destroy a Bavarian Tuba Cruiser or a Cyberman warship, but it barely put a dent in the very charismatic spaceship.

"Guys this is going to take awhile," Joker said as he brought the Normandy around for another run at the Very Charismatic Spaceship.

* * *

Back in the Citadel proper, Sloane and her posse of warrior women did battle with the new, improved Seville (now with 100% more robotic grossness).  RoboSeville was leaping about hanging on the walls and ceilings like some kind of gross frogger thing.  Sloane was utterly repulsed and unloaded on the disgusting half robot half praying mantis half man with her shotgun, with grenades and even with space magic.  The RoboSeville was relentless though and kept jumping around as though it was listening to House of Pain.

They were going to have to do something drastic if they wanted to put an end to RoboSeville and his leaping.

* * *

"Concentrate all fire on that index finger there!" Joker shouted as the Alliance fleet and the remnants of the Citadel Aero Defense League divebombed the Very Charismatic Spaceship.

They were taking heavy damage from the Very Charismatic Spaceship.  There was no way they would last much longer.

"Fuck it!" Joker said, "Cover me guys!  I'm going in hot and heavy!"

"That's what Shepard said to that Asari chick the other night isn't it?" Hackett deadpanned.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" Joker shouted as he brought the Normandy down into a dive firing everything the Normandy had.  He prayed that the Very Charismatic Spaceship did not hit a combo breaker as he unleashed all manner of hell upon it.

The Normandy drew closer launching missiles and rockets and lasers and throwing oversized jars with bees at the massive spaceship perched like a majestic turkey upon the communication tower.  The missiles pierced the very charismatic spaceship's armor plating and then the jar of bees slammed into the breech and exploded.  There was a chain reaction as the space bees entered the ship causing critical failure.  Explosions tore through the giant spaceship and slowly it fell from the communication tower.  As it fell more explosions tore through it causing the very charismatic spaceship to break up into large chunks of very charismatic wreckage.

"AW YE YE!" Joker shouted, "BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM BOYS!  BAG 'EM AND FUCKIN' TAG 'EM!"

The Alliance comlink became an ocean of dudes and dudines screaming "BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!"  Joker was pretty sure that even the Asari pilotesses on the flagship were shouting as well.

* * *

"BOOYAH!" Sloane's shotgun scream one final time, blasting RoboSeville's head clean off its shoulders and painting the wall with a greasy smear of roboguts.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane shouted triumphantly, "Bag 'em and tag 'em!"

But before she could give a single high five or utter "Good job," once, a massive chunk of wreckage smashed through the elegant glass skylight of the Tower of Counseling and everything went black.

* * *

Tali sat on a broken chunk of something consoling Liara.  All about them lay scattered the rubble of the once glorious Tower of Counseling.  She would have never guessed that when she left on her pilgrimage she'd find herself consoling a distraught Asari woman whose lover...girlfriend...whatever Sloane was to Liara, had seemingly just been crushed by a hunk of space debris after saving the galaxy from almost certain annihilation.

"Commander Shepard was a very tough lady," Tali said as she pat the sobbing Asari's back, "If anyone could survive getting crushed by a giant hunk of space debris it would be her."

All about them rescuers peered under space debris hunks trying to find the body of Sloane Shepard.  Tali hoped that the rescuers didn't make a liar out of her by pulling the mangled corpse of Sloane Shepard from the mess of twisted metal and broken glass that littered the Tower of Counseling.  She sighed and felt tears well up in her eyes as well.  She hadn't been intimate with Shepard the way Liara had, but Sloane had been the first non-Qunari who had treated her with anything close to respect.  The fact that she had shown an interest in Qunari culture and had gone so far as to help Tali complete her pilgrimage...Sloane Shepard had been her friend, and now she was probably reduced to a fine paste beneath one of the giant pylons or a crashed Aero Defense League fighter.

"Ladies what are you two moping about?" came a voice.  Tali and Liara both turned to see Sloane Shepard, emerging triumphantly from a heap of rubbish with barely a scratch upon her.  She was alive!

* * *

The Counselors stood before Sloane Shepard beside the massive lake of the Presidium.  The cleanup efforts had already begun and most of the area was clear of debris but it would be a long time before any part of the Citadel returned to its former glory.  Ambassador Udina, the fucking asshole, and Ex-Commander Anderson stood beside her as the Counselors addressed her.

"We are in debt to you Sloane Shepard," the Asari Counselor said, "Not just to you but to Humanity at large.  Were it not for your bravery and quick thinking the Citadel would not be here today and were it not for the noble sacrifice of the Alliance pilots who fought so valiantly against seemingly insurmountable odds we would not be here either."

"I may have judged you somewhat harshly Commander Shepard," the Terrarium Counselor clacked, "I may have let my own prejudices cloud my judgement and for that I am sorry.  I underestimated the character of humans and saw you merely as petulant children when in reality you a truly noble race with the remarkable ability to come together in times of crises and accomplish great things."

The demon alien counselor nodded in agreement and said, "We would hereby like to invite Humanity to join the Counsel of the Citadel."

Ambassador Udina spoke.  "This is a great honor.  On behalf of all humanity I offer my most sincere thanks."

"There will of course be elections to determine who will serve on the council," the Asari said, "but if you have any recommendations we would be most happy to receive them Commander Shepard."

"I think Ex-Commander Anderson would do a good job."

"He's not a politician!" Udina shouted in protest, "He'd surely just punch everyone out!"

"I only do that with you, you old pirate!" Anderson said with a suave grin.

The trio of counselors conferred and then nodded.  "It might be to the benefit of all of us to have a military man on the council.  Often it is easy for those of us who have never fought in combat to overlook the importance of our fighting men and women," said the Terrarium, "and thought it pains me to say so, I think that in the months and years to come we may have need of them.  Again, Commander Shepard, you have our thanks."

The trio of counselors shook hands with Sloane and then an epic rock jam blasted as the credits rolled...


	21. Mass Effect - S02E01 - Six Trillion Credit Woman

The Smoking Man looked out across the universe from his executive's throne and took a drag from his cigarette as his busty, catsuit-clad minion clicked a laser pointer at the display screen activating a PowerPoint presentation. As the woman cleared her throat the Smoking Man looked up at the display screen and saw the image of a slender, red headed woman staring back at him.

"Sloane Shepard. An Earthborn orphan. Joined the Alliance military at 18. Sole survivor of the debacle at Acooze. First human Spectre and most recently the hero of the Battle of the Citadel," the busty women said dryly before clicking the pointer and displaying security footage and continuing, "Our organization has had several run-ins with her recently. She raided our labs on Binthu and later launched an assault on our base on Nepheron most likely in retaliation for what happened to Admiral Kotaku on Binthu. There were no survivors at either location.  Are you sure this is the person you want to bring onboard for this mission Sir?"

The Smoking Man inhaled deeply savoring the rich flavor of the space tobacco and smirked. "Shepard is precisely the person we want. She's a symbol and symbols are important my dear Miranda if we want Humanity to get behind our cause."

"Very well Sir. I'll assemble a team and get to work straight away then," Miranda said as she bowed with a flourish and exited.

The Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette and looked out across the universe. A reckoning was coming and he was going to make sure that he and Cerberus emerged victorious when all was said and done.

**Opening Credits**

"Best ship in the fleet. The goddamn hero of the Battle of the Citadel serving as acting Commander and they've got us out in the sticks on seek and destroy missions," Joker, the self-proclaimed Best Pilot in the Alliance, said as the Normandy flew through space, it's cyberman detection units pinging faintly.

Sloane Shepard looked up from her command post and smirked, "Just keep scanning Joker."

"Yes ma'am," Joker said and dutifully return his gaze to the bank of monitors.

She couldn't admit it, but Joker did have a point.  There were other ships in the Alliance far better suited for this sort of thing, especially when the Reapers were still a looming threat.  Sure she had stopped Seville and the Very Charismatic Spaceship from activating the Mass Relay in the Citadel, but that didn't mean the Reaper Armada lying in wait in dark space ceased to exist.  

A scanner suddenly started to beep wildly.  "How many cybermen vessels are there that the scanners going that berserk?" Sloane asked as the scanner's beeps become more frantic.

"That's no cyberman fleet Commander," Joker said nervously, "Readings are coming back negative on other known vessels as well.  I've got no idea wha..."

 _LASERED!_  A laserblast hit the Normandy's starboard side and in an instant computers were engulfed in flames and warning klaxons began to wail.  Sloane wondered what could have done that much damage in a single shot to a shielded vessel.

"The fuck was that?!" X.O. Presley shouted, "We're cloaked aren't we?  How did they even s..."

 _LASERED!_ A second laserblast blasted the rear of the ship.  "Yo Commander, we've got a problem down in the cargo hold," Gunnery Sergeant Ashley Williams' voice came over the intercom, "Something just hit the ship and everything is on fire down here now.  It's pretty bad."

"Williams get everyone out of there," Sloane said, "Joker see if you can get out this thing's line of sight and make an emergency landing somewhere nearby.  I'm going down to check on the lower deck."

Sloane put on her space helmet and made her way down the stairs to the lower level as another blast slammed into the Normandy, blowing up a big chunk of the ship.  She hoped that her girlfriend, Liara T'sonni, was alright.  Warning alarms blared as the ship's lights began to fail.  A woman in a space suit, her helmet securely in place emerged from the smoke like a ghost and approached Sloane.  The woman carried with her a fire extinguisher that she was using in a futile effort to put out the fires that blazed all about her.

"Solider, it's no use.  We gotta get out of here," Sloane called out to the woman.

"Sloane?  Is that you?" the woman replied.  Sloane recognized the voice as Liara.

"Liara!  Oh god, I'm so glad you're alright!" Sloane cried out, "I was so worried.  I don't think the Normandy can take much more of this.  We're going to have to evacuate the ship."  As if to punctuate her point, another blast tore into the ship causing a loud explosion somewhere in the bowels of the ship.  Sloane hoped that Ashley and the others had gotten out of the cargo hold in time.

Sloane switched her com to the public address channel and said, "This is your Commander speaking.  We've come under heavy fire and our situation is hopeless.  I am ordering all personnel to begin evacuation immediately.  I repeat.  All personnel are to begin evacuation immediately."  Sloane then turned to Liara and said, "Come on, I need to get you to an escape pod."

The two women made their toward the nearest escape pod.  Liara climbed into the pod and then turned to look at Sloane.  "Get in Sloane," she said.

Sloane took out her glowing Power Glove and in a clear voice said, "Crew status report."

The Power Glove replied, "All living crew are currently aboard the Normandy's escape pods save for Commander Sloane Shepard and Flight Lieutenant Jeffery Moreau."

"Joker..." Sloane said under her breath, "Liara, I gotta go get Joker.  That fool's going to go down with the ship."

"I'll come with you," the Asari science lady said and began to unbuckle her seatbelt.

"No Liara.  It's too dangerous.  I'll take another pod with Joker and meet you at the drop site," Sloane said.

Liara nodded and in a whisper said, "I love you Sloane."

"I love you too Liara.  Be safe," Sloane said as the escape pod door closed and sealed shut before deploying a moment later.

Sloane made her way through the flames past her command post to the cockpit.  She stepped over a body that she was almost certain was X.O. Presley, but tried not to think about it.  She entered the cockpit to find Joker still seated in his chair.  At first Sloane thought it was because of the fact that Joker had bum legs and therefore couldn't walk to the escape pod located a few feet from where he sat, but as she got closer it became obvious that Joker was still attempting to land the Normandy.

"Joker!  The fuck are you doing mang?" Sloane asked as Joker threw switches like a man possessed, "The ship's going down.  You gotta get outta here!"

"I can land her!  I'm sure of it!" Joker exclaimed as another blast slammed into the Normandy from their anonymous assailant.

"You can't Joker.  The engine's are shot.  The thrusters are gone.  You've done all you can.  No need for the Alliance to lose their best ship and their best pilot in a single day," Sloane said, "C'mon I'll help you out of here."

Joker sighed. "Alright Commander.  You're right."  He stood slowly and Sloane threw her arms around him to help pull him out of the chair.  "Dude watch it!  My bones are like glass remember."

Sloane apologized and helped lead Joker across the cockpit and into the escape pod.  She had just gotten him into the pod when a laser blast cut through the cockpit.  Sloane jumped back to avoid being cleaved in two as the laser seared the cockpit in two.  An inferno erupted before her. There was no way she would be able to get to the escape pod with Joker.

"Joker, go.  I'll get another pod," Sloane said.

"You sure Commander?" Joker asked.

"That's an order Moreau!"

Joker pulled the escape pod's door closed and a moment later it was jettisoned.  Sloane turned to head back towards the other escape pods.  Hopefully there would be one left.  As she began to make her way past the flames another blast tore into the Normandy, splitting the ship in two.  Sloane was sucked from the gaping hole into the nothingness of space.  As she floating from the burning wreckage of the Normandy she finally caught sight of the thing that had wrecked house on her ship so completely: a massive spaceship the likes of which she had never seen before.  The hulking juggernaut fired another laserblast at the Normandy causing it to explode.

 _Hiss._ Sloane heard the serpentine noise and instinctively reached up to feel her oxygen feeds.  Just as she'd feared, they'd become torn when she was sucked out of the wreck of the Normandy and she was losing oxygen rapidly.  Sloane felt tears well up in her eyes and roll down her cheeks for she knew she was going to die a horribly painful death.  Alone in the nothingness of space Sloane Shepard closed her eyes as death took her.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane looked around.  Everything was hazy and the sounds were muffled as though she were underwater.  A bright light glared down at her.  She seemed to be in some sort of medical facility, but she had no idea where.

A muffled, vaguely Australian voice mumbled, "She's coming to.  It's too early still.  Quick!  Get a sedative."

Sloane tried to see who was talking but everything was just a blur.  She tried to ask the person if they were Doctor Chocolate, but she found herself unable to speak.  She tried to raise her arm but someone mumbled something at her and a moment later a needle was jabbed into her arm and Sloane once again faded from consciousness.

When Sloane next came to alarms were screaming.  Was she back on the Normandy?  Had that entire episode in the medical bay been some weird dream?  She looked around and realized that she was in fact in a weird medical bay that she'd never seen before.  At least it wasn't on fire.

"Shepard, get up," a woman's voice said over the intercom.  She sounded Australian.  "Go over to the cabinet and open the top drawer.  You'll find a pistol in there."

Sloane slid out of the bed still dressed in a hospital gown and walked over to the cabinet and there in top drawer found a tiny pistol.  "Wow...thanks," Sloane said sarcastically as she picked up the minuscule gun and checked the sight on it.

"We're a medical facility...what did you expect?" the Australian woman asked, "Alright go to the door and out into the hall.  There's some mechs that have gone berserk, you're going to have to take them out."

"What the shit is even going on here?" Sloane asked as she went out into the hall and fired at the mechs lurking outside the door.  She hit the first one square in the head causing its mechanical body to twitch wildly a moment before collapsing in a heap.

"I'm trying to get you out of here alive," the woman replied as Sloane blasted the second mech, "If we both get out of here in one piece I'll answer all your questions okay?"

"Alright.  The mechs are down.  Where am I going now?" Sloane asked.

"You need to make your way to shuttle bay," the woman said, "The station has been compromised and we need to get out of here.  Go through the doors to your right and follow that hallway."  There was the sound of gunfire and the comlink suddenly cut off.  Sloane was on her own.

She made her way through the doors, the cold air of the station giving her bared buttocks goosebumps.  Sloane wished she had some body armor, or at least a pair of pants.  She made her way down the hall, taking out another couple mechs as she went, coming at last to a large chamber in which she saw a black guy dressed in a military uniform crouched behind a crate shooting more berserk mechs that were hiding out on the other side of the room.  One of the mechs spotted her and began blasting lasers in her general direction so Sloane dove behind the crate.

The soldier looked at her and grinned.  "Shit's gotta be really fucked if they've got you up Shepard," he said.

"You know me?" Sloane asked as she stuck her lame pistol up over the crate and took a potshot at the mechs blasting lasers at them.

"You're the reason we're all here," the man said, "The name's Jacob by the way.  Jacob Black-Kaidan.  Man this is taking too long.  You wanna see something badass?"

"Always."

"Check this shit out!" Jacob said and then stood and cast a space magic spell at the mechs sending them careening across the room and smashing into a wall.  "Pretty rad huh?"

"It's alright I guess," Sloane said, "Better than what I can do sure, but have you ever seen an Asari do that shit?  Fuckin' unreal.  I once saw this Asari tear apart a platoon of cybermen and an anti-spaceship gun without breaking a sweat and this was just some bookworm researcher lady, not an Asari Commando or anything."

"Sounds awesome," Jacob replied, "C'mon we need to move.  The station's totally overrun.  I think together you and I can make it to the shuttle bay okay."

"What about that lady?  Uh...she sounds Australian.  Should we look for her?" Sloane asked.

"Miranda?  Nah, she's a stone cold badass," Jacob replied, "She's probably in the shuttle bay already.  C'mon let's make a move."

"Can I ask you something?" Sloane asked.

Jacob nodded, "Yeah sure."

"I died.  How am I alive again?"

Jacob groaned, "I don't know the specifics of it...I'm just a solider right, but they brought you back.  I saw you when you came in. You were pretty much fucked, just meat and tubes, but they patched you up.  Took them two years but they did it, and before you ask you're not a clone or a cyborg or anything like that.  You're the same you that you were when they brought you in in a sack."

"Two years," Sloane said, "Fuck..."

"Yeah that's gotta be a mind trip," Jacob Black-Kaidan replied, "Anything else you want to know?"

"You keep saying 'they.'  Who exactly are 'they?'" Sloane asked as she and Jacob made their way through a mech filled hallway.  Sloane fired her weak as shit pistol at them and longed to have a proper shotgun in her hands.  Killing robots took far too long with a pistol.

Jacob space magicked the last mech into gears and circuit boards and then looked at Sloane and said, "You promise you won't freak out?"

"I guess so."

"You ever hear of Cerberus?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah.  Those creepy science terrorists right?  I messed up a bunch of their bases a couple years ago after they killed Admrial Kotaku," Sloane said.

"Yeah, this is a Cerberus facility.  It was Cerberus that brought you back to life," Jacob said, "Look, I'll be the first to admit that Cerberus has done some shady shit in the past and I understand if you don't trust us, but you're going to have to at least trust me a little bit if we're going to get out of here alright?"

Sloane felt like she'd been punched in the gut.  Why would Cerberus have brought her back to life?  What had they done to her doing those two years?  Jacob was right though, she'd at least need to trust them enough to get off the station alive.  "Alright Jacob, let's keep moving."

As they made their way towards the shuttle bay Jacob's intercom squawked to life, "Hello?  Is there anyone there?  Oh god the mechs...there are too many."

"Doctor Biggs is that you?" Jacob asked.

"Officer Black-Kaidan?  Oh god...please hurry.  OH FUCK!  MY LEG!  THAT ASSHOLE SHOT MY LEG!" the voice on the intercom screamed.

Jacob double timed it down the hall and into another glowing room filled with mechs going buck wild and shooting up the place.  A balding man in his middle years was laid out on the floor behind a pile of crates, a laserblast wound in his leg.  "You know how to patch a leg up?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah.  I'll need medi-goop to do it but I know how," Sloane replied.

Jacob pointed to a first aid kit on the wall and was all like, "There should be some medi-goop in there.  You patch him Doctor Biggs up, I'll take care of these buck wild mechs!"

Sloane agreed and headed toward the first aid kit again becoming very aware of the fact that her backside was more or less exposed by the hospital gown.  Jacob was a little occupied by the heap of buck wild mechs running roughshod on the facility so she didn't worry about him sneaking a peak but Doctor Biggs?  As she opened to first aid kit, Sloane found herself hoping that he was blinded by pain.  With the medi-goop in hand she returned to the wounded Doctor and slathered in on his laserblasted leg.  The wound faded almost instantly.

"You alright Doctor..."

"Doctor Biggs.  Emanuel Wedge Biggs," the balding man said, "and yes, I am much better now thank you.  My leg is nearly as good as new, so let's head for the shuttles now yes?"

At that moment Jacob returned.  He had wrecked house on the mechs that had been going buck wild and looked at Doctor Biggs with disdain.  "So Doc, how'd you get in here unscathed?  Past all the mechs strolling about in the hall?"

"Uhhh...I was in here when they just started going wild," Doctor Biggs said, "You believe me right Shepard?"

Sloane scoffed, "You're kidding right?  You seem shifty as fuck.  That Australian lady too.  Neither of you were like, 'Oh by the way we are crazy scientist cum terrorist who did weird shit to bring you back to life.  Hail Cerberus!' Jacob at least was like, 'Yo here's the score, terrorist brought you back from the dead, but I'm just a guard so I don't really know why.'"

Doctor Biggs scowled, "You told her that?  The Smoking Man is not going to be happy!"

"She'd find out eventually," Jacob retorted, "I mean there's a goddamn Cerberus logo on the side of the shuttle we're trying to get to.  Besides wasn't the entire point of bringing her back to life so she could help the Smoking Man on some big project?"

"Ha.  Like that's going to happen," Sloane said.

"Biggs we should probably go look for Miranda," Jacob interjected before the Doctor had a chance to reply to Sloane's rude comment.  He glanced at Sloane who had a look of confusion on her face and then added, "That Australian lady."

Sloane was like, "Ohhhh...Miranda.  Yeah she seemed like she was in a bad way.  I mean I don't really care if she lives or dies, but when I last spoke with her there was gunfire and then the radio transmission crapped out."

"Fuck Miranda," Doctor Biggs spat, "She's dead by now and anyway it was probably her that hacked the system and caused the mechs to go buck wild.  We don't have the time or manpower to go searching for her corpse.  C'mon both of you!  That's an order!" 

Sloane put her hands on her hips and stared him down.  She trusted this guy less and less.  As the trio made their way towards the shuttle bay, Sloane thought about the Doctor's leg wound.  She hadn't really paid it much mind in the fog of war, but now that she was thinking about it, the angle of the entry and exit wounds were all wrong.  Sloane tried to put the thought that Doctor Biggs had shot himself in the leg as part of some long con out of her mind as she gunned down more buck wild mechs with her piece of shit pistol.  Several minutes and a heap of ruined mechs later they were approaching the door to the shuttle bay.

"Dude for reals we should go back and look for Miranda," Jacob said.

"Fuck Miranda!" Doctor Biggs bellowed, "It's that bitch's fault that these robots all went fucking insane.  Good riddance to bad rubbish."  Biggs then opened the door to the shuttle bay and promptly got shot in the chest.  A busty woman in a white catsuit stepped out of the doorway, a thin plume of smoke emanating from the barrel of her lasergun.

"Fucking Biggs tried to kill us all," she said in a thick Australian accent, "Bloody drongo reprogrammed the mechs to attack and then smashed up the override controls.  Come on now, let's be off before the rest of the mechs head this way.  I'm sure the Illusive Man will want to meet you anyway."

"Fuck that.  I'm not going anywhere with you," Sloane retorted angrily, "You are all a bunch of lunatics.  I know what you're people did to Admiral Kotaku.  I saw your fucking zany experiments with giant sandworms first hand.  I don't even know what the fuck you really even did to me.  As far as I'm concerned you can fuck off and die."

"Um...you do realize there's only one shuttle left to get off this station right?" Miranda said.

"I was not aware of that fact.  Let's go then."

**Commercial Break**

The shuttle puttered along through the cosmos.  It was a tight fit, the three of them crammed into the passenger compartment of the tiny subcompact shuttle.  Miranda pulled up her Power Glove and punched something into it before saying, "It's going to be a little while until we get where we're going so I might as well run these tests now."

"What tests?" Sloane asked suspiciously.

"Just some tests to determine if the procedures you underwent had any negative impact on your memory.  First question...what happened on Acooze after you joined the Alliance military?"

"Miranda do we have to do this now?" Jacob asked.  Sloane couldn't tell if he was concerned for her or merely wanted Miranda to be quiet so he could sleep.

"No, it's alright Jacob," Sloane said, "My unit was wiped out by a sandworm...I was the only one to survive."

Miranda nodded and typed something into the Power Glove before asking, "What can you tell me about Dave Kaidan?"

"Uhh...he asked me out on a date once and then got really gross about it when I told him no.  I mean, maybe he was an okay dude, but I just don't like dudes, but he was all rude about it and told me to go 'dyke it up with that blue-skinned skank,' or something like that."

"Is that why you let him die on Wiemar Republic?  Because of his attitude about your personal relationships?"

"What?  No.  He was part of a mission to disarm some guns or something and they got caught in an ambush.  A lot of good soldiers died that day so countless others could live.  I had to make a choice between trying to save Dave and making sure the mission got completed and I chose to ensure the mission got completed.  Lt. Kaidan knew the risks of the mission...we all did.  For you to suggest that because he offended me I somehow planned for him to get ambushed by Seville's cybermen allies is offensive!"

"I'm sorry.  I'm sorry," Miranda replied, "Okay, just one more thing.  Tell me about...fuck, I'm totally going to butcher this name...uh...Lee-air Tea-sunny?"

"Liara?  What do you want me to tell you about her?"

"Were you two close?" Miranda asked.

"Miranda, is this really necessary?" Jacob asked, "There's a bunch of other stuff you could ask her about to check if her brain is intact."

Sloane ignored Jacob and answered the Australian woman, "We were as close as two individuals can be.  Have you ever been in love Miranda?"

Miranda nodded, "I suppose I have."

"Have you ever let someone you love into your mind?  Have they ever let you into their mind?  Like really in each others minds? Because that is what I had with Liara," Sloane said.  She could feel herself on the verge of crying when she asked, "Do you know if she survived the attack on the Normandy?"

"She did," Miranda replied, "as did most of your crew."

"Two years...she's thought I was dead for two years now," Sloane said, "She probably has someone else now doesn't she...no, don't tell me.  It's better if I don't know."

"Okay!  So now we'll just need to test your combat reflexes and we'll be all set," Miranda said.

Jacob was beside himself, "Are you serious?  She fought her way out of a goddamn mech infested space station with some crappy pistol wearing nothing but a hospital gown and got out without a scratch on her...well, without a scratch on her besides the horrible scars from whatever you science nerds did to bring her back to life.  Her combat reflexes are on point."

Miranda the Australian smirked, "Alright.  Alright.  Let's just hope your word on her combat prowess is good enough for the Illusive Man."

"Who is this Illusive Man?" Sloane asked, "Is he the same guy as the Smoking Man?"

"Yes, but beyond that I can't really tell you much else.  He's nearly as big a mystery to us as he is to you.  I do know that he's high up in the Cerberus chain of command, though how high up he actually is I couldn't say. He tells us what to do and we do it," Miranda said, "He's very interested in you...invested a lot of time and money into bringing you back from the dead.  I think he's got big plans for you."

"He's going to be sorely disappointed," Sloane said, "I'm not doing shit for any of you.  First chance I get I'm gone.  I'll go back to the Citadel and rejoin the Alliance military or maybe go back to being a Spectre...I haven't really decided yet."

"A lot's changed in the past two years Shepard," Miranda said, "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but a lot of the people you counted among your friends and allies probably won't be too happy to see you alive again.  Like I said before, the Illusive Man is very interested in meeting you so at least pay him a visit and see what he has to say.  Maybe he'll let you go if you tell him you don't want to work with him...who knows?  You'll have a chance to ask him soon.  We're beginning docking procedures now."

* * *

Sloane looked down at the ridiculous Cerberus petty officer's uniform she was clad in as she made her way through the halls of the space station towards the lift to the Illusive Smoking Man's office.  I was better than the ass revealing hospital gown, but not by much.  Sloane made her way into the lift and was instantly surrounded by a bright light that she first thought to be some sort of decontamination device but soon revealed itself to be an augmented communication device.  The lift wasn't a lift at all but rather a holographic comlink.

She looked around and saw a nondescript man seated in a dickfucking awesome executive's chair of the finest leather surrounded by a holographic representation the universe as if to give the impression that this gentleman was God.  Sloane thought it to be a little much and stifled a laugh.  "So you must be the Illusive Smoking Man," Sloane said, "What's with the holographic communique?  You scared of me?  You a yellow bellied coward?"

The man took a drag from his cigarette and smirked.  "I know everything there is to know about you Sloane Shepard...would you blame me for being wary around you?"

"So what the fuck do you want asshole?" Sloane asked curtly.

"A woman who cuts to the chase...I like that," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "Over the past few years there have been a series of disappearances from human colonies in the Traverse.  Entire populations just disappearing, leaving their settlements deserted."

"So what did you fuckers do?  Drop a threasher maw down there?  Poison gas?  Figure out a way to weaponize thorian spores?"

The Illusive Smoking Man laughed, started to cough, and then laughed some more.  "Nothing of the sort Miss Shepard.  You have the wrong idea about Cerberus I fear.  All of our experiments have been to advance humanity.  The Citadel and Alliance might have problems with our methodology but we would never do anything like what you described to innocent human colonists."

"So Kotaku just poisoned himself in your labs?  That's funny," Sloane said, "If you didn't do it what do you care?  It sounds more like an Alliance thing anyway."

"The Alliance still has not fully recovered from the Battle of the Citadel and lacks the manpower to look into disappearances of frontier settlements.  Besides, there are no discernable patterns to any of these disappearance.  The colonies that disappear are scattered throughout the traverse.  Sometimes several colonies will vanish within hours of one another and other times months will pass between vanishings.  The only common thread between these events is that none of the colonies have shown sign of resistance.  There is no evidence of a firefight in any of the colonies.  The alliance can quite easily write these off as isolated incidents of colonists simply abandoning colonies."

Sloane shrugged and said, "I don't know why you care about this at all."

"Like I said," said the Illusive Smoking Man, "Cerberus cares deeply about the advancement of humanity.  How can humanity advance when our colonies are invaded and out people are kidnapped?"

"Okay, let me try this another way.  I don't know why I should care about this at all," Sloane said, "I've been gone two years dude.  I've got shit to get back to.  I've got a girlfriend to find and a job to do."

"You're a hard woman to bargain with Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking man said as he puffed on his cigarette, "There was a recent disappearance at the human colony of Freedom Rock.  I'd like you to go and investigate it.  Usually when we hear about these disappearances we get there after Alliance investigators and sometimes even scavengers...those damn Qunari and their ilk, so the scene is all contaminated, but this time..."

Sloane interrupted asking, "Didn't you just say the Alliance doesn't have the manpower or desire to look into these disappearances?  And now their investigators are getting there before you?  Which is it dude?  Are they looking into these disappearances or not?"

The Illusive Smoking Man looked annoyed,  "That wasn't what I meant before.  They send 'investigators,' but they never dig deep enough to uncover what is going on there," he said, making air quotes and rolling his eyes as he said "investigators."  The Illusive Smoking Man snuffed out the butt of his cigarette and promptly lit another before continuing, "Like I was saying we have assurances that the site of this most recent disappearance is still preserved, so I'd like you to go down with Jacob and Miranda to check it out.  If afterwards you're not completely satisfied we can talk about sending you back home."

"Fine I'll go to Freedom Rock and check it out," Sloane said with disgust, "You know I was a Spectre right?  And the commander of my own Alliance vessel?  So, as I'm sure you can imagine, I don't do well with people telling me what to do.  If you think for a second I'm going to take orders from Miranda or Jacob, you've got another thing coming buddy."

The Illusive Smoking Man blew a ring of smoke, "I will make sure that Miranda and Jacob know who is in charge.  Good luck at Freedom Rock.  I look forward to hearing about your discoveries."  The Illusive Smoking Man then faded from sight and Sloane was once again alone in the fake elevator certain that she had just made a deal with the devil.


	22. Mass Effect - S02E02 - Freedom Rock

"Put the shuttle down over by those buildings over there Jacob," Miranda Australian said as the small Cerberus shuttlecraft descended towards the Human settlement of Freedom Rock.

Sloane Shepard ahemmed loudly, "Ahem! Who's in charge here?"

Miranda got a real hangdog look and cast her eyes downward before mumbling, "You are..."

Sloane smirked and said, "You're goddamn right I am! So that means I give the orders. You got it?"

"Yes," Miranda muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Yes what?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good! Maybe you aren't as dumb as you look after all," Sloane replied sarcastically and then with a grin she turned toward Jacob and said, "Now Jacob I want you to land over by those buildings alright?"

Black-Kaidan began the landing procedure bringing the landing craft down beside a large prefabricated building. It was the type of structure one would find on any Human settlement less than five or so years old: highly functional and completely nondescript. Anyone who had spent anytime at all on the colonies knew the interior layout without having to set foot inside.

The ship touched down roughly causing the cabin to shake. Miranda looked as though she would sick up all over everything but Sloane just smiled. Over the years serving in the Alliance she'd become so accustomed to terrible space car drops the shock of which would send her uterus up into her throat that she welcomed a rocky shuttle landing with open arms.

"Alright, let's get all geared up and head out there now and look for evidence or whatever the shit we're supposed to be doing here in Freedom Rock," Sloane said before heading over to the weapons locker.  She opened the locker and there before her among the uzis and pistols was something she'd been looking for since returning from the dead: a sweetass shotgun.  Sloane took the gleaming piece down from its hook and swung it over her shoulder.  As a lark she also picked up an uzi and clipped it to her weapon belt.  She then turned to the two Cerberus assholes and was like, "Okay, I'm all set.  Let's rock!"

The trio stepped out of the shuttle out into the snowy landscape of Freedom Rock and crossed the distance between their shuttle and the nearest distance.  Night had already fallen and most of the compound was blackened.  A few flickering lights providing brief moments of illumination.  The only sound heard was the crunch of snow under their feet.  Sloane noticed that there were no footprints anywhere to be seen.  The building they first saw had a sweetass mural painted on the side, but was otherwise looked identical to all the other buildings in the area.  The trio entered the structure and found it completely and totally deserted.  The table was set for supper though the food rations in the serving dishes had long since gone cold.

_Turn it up mang!_

"This is really weird," Miranda Australian said, "It's like they just vanished in the middle of their meal."

As annoying as she was proving to be Miranda did have a point.  There were no signs of a struggle within the building.  No knocked over furniture or blaster damage.  Nothing to give even the slightest inkling of what had transpired in the settlement.  Sloane sighed in disappointment.

"Come on, maybe we can find something in one of the other buildings," she said and then made her way out the backdoor of the Freedom Rock mural building and walked across a snow covered catwalk towards a pair of buildings identical to the Freedom Rock mural building.  As Sloane trudged through the snowy trudgemank of Freedom Rock a laserblast suddenly streaked past her.  Up ahead some sort of mech had its gun out and was trying to blast the fuck out of Sloane and her companions.  Sloane wasn't having that and thus got out her shotgun and let out a resounding blast of "BOOYAH!"  She expected to see the mech get blown apart, but instead she watched her shotgun shell fall to the ground ineffectively a short distance in front of her.  She probably could have thrown it further by hand.

"The fuck is this bullshit?" Sloane shouted as she dove behind a space crate to take cover from the mech's laser assault. "Lousy Cerberus weapons," she muttered to herself as she shouldered the useless shotgun and slammed an ammo clip into the uzi she'd taken out of the weapon locker.  "Fucking piece of shit shotgun!" she mumbled as she came up from her hiding place and fired the uzi at the mech.  The bullets tore through the machine man like a bullet through a mech and the automaton exploded in a shower of sparks and mechanical bullshit.

Suddenly a robodog came bounding out of someone's backyard.  "BARK_001000111000! BARK_001000111000!" the robodog barked as it lunged at Jacob Black-Kaidan.  

"Ow my balls!" Jacob screamed as the robodog bit down on his jollysack.

Sloane pulled the trigger of her uzi sending a spray of bullets towards the robodog dangling from Jacob's danglers.  The bullets fucked the robodog's ass up like in a car crash and the mechanical canine let out a whimper, "WHINE_110001001100111..." before collapsing in the snow, a heap of useless gears and servos.

"The fuck is this bullshit?" Jacob asked.

"I know! I used to wreck house with a fucking shotgun.  But this fucking thing?" Sloane exclaimed as she tossed her shotgun on the ground, "Fucking garbage.  You guys, for being some big time mad scientist terrorist operation have some pretty sorry shotguns.  Believe that!"

"I was talking about these service mechs attacking us," Jacob said as he gingerly touched his crotch and winced in pain, "Someone programmed them to do that."

"Which means someone could still be here!" Miranda said enthusiastically.

"Miranda! I'm not going to tell you again, I'm one who's in charge her which means I'm the one who gets to make all the obvious statements to propel plot forward!  And before you go getting any big ideas, I also get to be the one who drops cool one liners when confronted with danger!" Sloane shouted in disgust at the busty Australian.

Miranda looked down at her feet and meekly muttered, "Yes ma'am."

"The fact that these mechs were programmed to attack means that someone has been here since the vanishing went down, which means that maybe someone here saw what went down," Sloane said, "Come on, let's go check out that building over there."

Together the three individuals united by happenstance cross another catwalk leading up to another building nearly identical to every other building in the settlement.  There appeared to be a light emanating from the inside of the building and as they approached the door, Sloane thought she heard the sound of movement from within.  She readied her uzi as she hit the switch, causing the door of the structure to hiss open.  Upon hear the sound a trio of Qunari scavengers kneeling over a half disassembled VCR on a coffee table scrambled to their feet and drew their cobbled together blunderbusses and laser guns.

"Shepard...is that you?" a familiar voice inquired.

"Tali?"

**Commercial Break**

"You died.  How are you here?  Are you a clone?" the Qunari princess asked nervously.

Sloane shook her head.  "No, not a clone.  Go ahead.  Ask me something only you and I would know if you need me to prove it."

"What did I take back to the Floatilla to complete my Pilgrimage?" Tali asked.  Her companions still had their blunderbusses pointed at Jacob and Miranda who likewise had their own guns drawn and aimed at the Qunari.  Tali and Sloane, however, had lowered their firearms.

"Unless you found something else in the two years that I've been gone you brought back some data about the cybermen that you and I found in a lab," Sloane replied, "You can ask me something else if you want."

"No, I believe you are really you, though I'm surprised to see you here with them," as she spoke, Tali motioned towards Jacob and Miranda.  "I thought you were better than that Shepard."

"It's complicated Tali.  I want to explain it all to you, but we're on some shit here right now.  As I'm sure you can see the entire settlement here as pretty much disappeared and we're trying to find out what happened," Sloane said, "So what are you three doing here?"

"One of our people came here on Pilgrimage," Tali said, "Vittore is his name.  Anyway we got a weird message from him at three o'clock in the morning and came out to see what was happening.  When we arrived we got attacked by some mechs that Vittore must have reprogrammed to attack on sight and then came in here to repair our guns before we went back out to look for him.

"Is it common for Qunari to make their Pilgrimage to remote settlements like this?" Sloane asked.

"We can go anywhere we choose, and Vittore...he didn't do so well with large crowds so he decided to come here and help with the colony," Tali replied.

One of the other Qunari quickly interjected, "Vittore was touched in the head...we should never have come here.  If something killed or captured all the able-bodied humans here, what chance did a raving lunatic like Vittore have?"

"We aren't giving up on finding Vittore!" Tali said.

"Tali, maybe you could join us and we could work together on this," Sloane offered.

"I'd like to Shepard, but I really don't trust the people you are with," Tali replied, "If you want to help us look for Vittore though we would greatly appreciate it.  We can stay in radio contact so we alert one another to any traps Vittore might have set or reprogrammed mechs we might come across.  If we find Vittore first I will let you speak with him to see what he knows.  Good luck Shepard...oh, and I'm glad to see you alive again."

A great sadness overcame Sloane as she told her friend that it was good to see her again as well and then watched as Tali and the other Qunaris exited the building and made their way down a catwalk into the inky darkness of night.  She hoped that she would have a chance to speak to Tali again when this mission was over and she told the Illusive Smoking Man to fuck off once and for all.  Miranda watched them go and then turned to Sloane and with a sneer said, "We have to find that Vittore guy first.  If those Qunari find him before we do we will never get a chance to talk to him.  You know how those tech vultures are."

Sloane scowled at the Australian and shouted, "Fuck you Miranda!  Tali I trust and if she said she would let us talk to Vittore then she will let us talk to Vittore.  That woman was my friend but maybe she's not anymore on account of you fucking assholes.  God I hate you all so much you Kotaku killing, shotgun failing, friendship ruining motherfuckers!"  She then dropped to her knees and pounded her fists into her thighs and wailed.

Jacob elbowed Miranda in the ribs and whispered, "Good job Miranda...can't you ever shut your fucking mouth for like two seconds?"

"How was I to know she'd go mental over a substandard shotgun and an angry Qunari?"

Sloane stood up and turned to face the two Cerberus goons.  She aimed her uzi at Miranda's head and muttered, "Shut up both of you.  I swear to Christ I will shoot both of you here in this room right now and leave this planet with the Qunari if either of you say another goddamn word.  Do you understand?"

Jacob nodded, but Miranda opened her mouth to begin to speak.  Before a single syllable had past between Miranda's lips, Sloane squeezed the trigger of her uzi sending a hail of bullets whizzing just over the Australian's head.  A millimeter lower and her brains would have been splattered all over the wall behind her.  "Consider that your only warning!" Sloane said, "Come on, let's help those Qunari find Vittore," before stepping out into the cold night air.

"Shepard...be careful near the shipping crates.  There were some security drones that we were able to sneak past.  I don't know if we just got lucky or if they were inoperative or what.  Just be on your toes," Tali's voice said over the intercom.

"Thanks Tali."

Sure enough some security drones came swooping down from the shipping crates as Sloane and the two Cerberus fuckfaces approached.  Sloane was ready though and took aim with her uzi firing a mess o' bullets at the fluttering security drones.  "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Sloane screamed triumphantly as the security drone exploded.  The now silent Miranda and Jacob made short work of the other security drones, but they wisely refrained from following suit and screaming, "AW YE YE!" as well.

With the security drones dispatched, Sloane and company pressed forward.  Tali's voice once more come over the intercom, "Sloane, my minions rushed ahead and got ambushed by some kind of lifter mech down in the warehouse.  Looks like both of us are teamed up with some read d-bags.  You think you could come give me a hand?"

"Yeah, we're en route Tali.  Hold tight," Sloane said as she made her way towards the warehouse double time.  As she approached she could here the sounds of a lifter mech hoisting and slamming barrels and crates about.  If any of those crates hit the Qunaris they certainly be done!

As she got closer she saw the lifter stomping about like an angry child.  Sloane got into position behind some space crates and clipped her uzi to her belt.  She was going to need something a little more hardcore than an uzi to take out an armored lifter mech.  Sloane looked in her bag of tricks and noticed something she hadn't noticed before: a sweetass rocket launcher.  Sloane pumped her fist and shouted "AW YE YE!" as she took the rocket launcher out of the sack and readied it.  Nearby a barrel went flying by.  Sloane aimed the rocket launcher and pulled the trigger.  The rocket streaked forward and slammed into the lifter mech exploded the goddamn shit out of it.

When the smoke from her rocket attack finally cleared, Sloane looked around.  Maybe she'd be lucky and find Miranda and Jacob's bodies pancaked beneath some space shipping crates, but fortune did not smile upon Sloane that day for she saw them standing a few feet away quite alive.  Tali's companions however had not fared so well and had been reduced to bloody smears on the ground, their shit totally ruined by some Donkey Kong barrels.

Tali sighed in exasperation.  "These two idiots rushed in here like a pair of Leroy Jenkinses and now they're dead.  Idiots," she said dismissively, "Anyway thanks for the save Shepard.  It was almost like old times again, only without you and Liara gazing longingly at each others' backsides when you thought no one was watching."

"I did no such thing," Sloane said.

"Shepard, please.  This visor might be reflective from the outside but I can see through it perfectly fine," Tali said, "Though I will admit Liara was guilty of it for more often then you were, but enough about that.  Let's look for Vittore alright?  I'll check that building over there if you check this one here."

"Okay Tali."

Sloane looked at her companions with disdain as Tali walked off towards the building she had elected to investigate.  "You heard the woman, let's go see what's inside that building," she said to the two Cerberus assholes she'd gotten stuck with.  As she walked towards the small prefabricated building she thought to herself how much she hated Miranda and, to a lesser extent, Jacob.  They were hands down the worst people she'd ever had the grave misfortune of meeting.  She wanted to scream again, but fought the urge and opened the door to the building.

"Gotta hide or the monsters will get me.  Gotta hide.  Monsters.  Monsters everywhere," a nervous looking Qunari sat ringing his hands as he watched a bank of video screens depicting live feeds from surveillance cameras from throughout the camp.  "Monsters.  Gotta hide from the monsters.  Oh dear...oh dear."

"Vittore?" Sloane asked in a gentle voice befitting a kindergarten teacher.  The Qunari did not seem to pay her any attention, instead he continued to stare dumbly at the security footage and mumble about "monsters."  Sloane was quite of the mind that drastic times called for drastic measures and took out her Power Glove and quickly hacked into the video feed and interrupted the transmission.  The bank of video displays suddenly went black and the Qunari stood and turned to face Sloane and her companions.

"Did you hide from the monsters too?" he asked, "I thought they took everyone else.  I hid here when they came.  Where did you hide?"

"We just arrived here a little while ago," Sloane said calmly, "Your name is Vittore right?"

"Yes.  I am Vittore.  You were just outside?  Did you see any monsters?"

Sloane, trying he level best to sound matronly, replied in a soothing voice, "No Vittore, we didn't see any monsters, just some mechs and another Qunari who came looking for you.  Vittore, do you think you could tell me what the monsters looked like?"

"I can show you," Vittore said and placed his Power Glove upon his fist and booted it up.  A moment later grainy security footage of some wrong thing strolling though Freedom Rock appeared on the display monitors.  In all her travels Sloane had seen a lot of weird shit, but never a wrong thing quite so wrong as the wrong thing that appeared on the monitor.  Sloane turned and saw that Miranda was forcibly holding her own mouth shut.

"What is it Miranda?" Sloane asked, "You have permission to talk."

Sloane instantly regretted giving her permission to speak because the terrible Australian woman did just that.  "That looks like a Collector.  They rarely come out of their own galaxy, but on occasion the come to some of the frontier worlds of the Terminus System to trade."

"Trade for what?" Sloane asked.

"Slaves mostly.  Species with weird genetic mutations from what I hear," Miranda replied, "I've never heard of them harvesting humans before, let alone an entire settlement."

Sloane nodded and then called Tali on the intercom.  "Tali, we found your guy in that building.  He was pretty nervous about monsters but we've calmed him down a bit.  You might want to come over here and pick him up."

"Thank you Shepard, I'll be right over," came Tali's reply.

Miranda was incredulous.  "What did you do that for?" she demanded, "He's the only person alive who saw what happened here.  We need to take him back to the Illusive Smoking Man to answer any other questions our fearless leader might have!"

"First of all, the Illusive Smoking Man is not my leader, fearless or otherwise.  I never voted for him or even agreed to work for him so, as far as I'm concerned, he can fuck.  Secondly look at this guy.  He's clearly not well and needs medical treatment.  You think he'd be able to answer any other questions?"

At that moment Tali entered the room and asked, "What's going on here Shepard?"

"This bitch wants to take Vittore with us back to the Cerberus Space Base," Sloane said her voice indicating her disgust, "Vittore saw what happened her and she thinks we should bring him with us to answer more questions.  I think he's in pretty rough shape and needs to go back to the Floatilla with you to get treated by Qunari doctors or psychologists since I'm done with these Cerberus fuckers as soon as we leave Freedom Rock and don't trust them to do right by Vittore if I'm not there to keep an eye on them."

"Thank you Shepard," Tali replied before addressing Vitorre, "Vitorre, come.  I'm going to take you home now okay?"

Vittore nodded and walked across the room to join Tali.  "Goodbye Shepard," Tali said, "It was good to see you again even if it was under unpleasant circumstances."  She then turned to leave the building with Vittore, but Sloane shouted, "Tali!  Wait!  Do you think I could get a copy of the surveillance footage Vitorre's got on his Power Glove?  It's got footage of what went down here that I'd like to show to the Alliance to try to get them to act on these disappearances and steal Cerberus' thunder."

Tali nodded and said, "Of course Shepard."  The Qunari princess took Vittore's arm and input something into his Power Glove.  A moment later Sloane's own Power Glove beeped and lit up with a message reading, "FILE TRANSFER COMPLETE."  Sloane thanked Tali and then watched as her friend walked out the door, leaving her, once again, alone with the two worst people ever.

"Come on, let's get out of here," Sloane said, "I have had just about as much of you two assholes as I can take."

 **Commercial Break**  

Sloane made her way into the holographic communications suite and was surrounded by a wash of bright light.  A moment later the drab space base walls were replaced with a representation of the universe at the center of which sat the Illusive Smoking Man upon an executive's throne of the finest leather.  The Illusive Smoking Man stubbed out a cigarette butt in his crystal-gold ashtray and pulled a fresh one from his cigarette case and lit it with gusto.

"Glad to see you've return Miss Shepard," he said, "Did you find anything interesting at Freedom Rock?"

"Cut the nice guy bullshit.  You know exactly what we found dicknose," Sloane said, "I was there when Miranda transmitted our findings to you."

"So now you know the gravity of the situation," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Yup, so I'm going to take that video and go back to the Citadel and show it to the Alliance," Sloane replied, "So smell ya later dude."

The Illusive Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette appearing to be somewhere in flavor country.  He smiled at Sloane and said, "You think the Alliance will care about that?  You are sadly mistaken."

"Dude I worked for the Alliance for like ten years before I fake died," Sloane said, "I trust them a lot more than I trust you, so I'll take my chances, and if, like you said, they tell me to fuck off, I'm still a Spectre, so I'll use my Spectre Do What I Feel Privileges to do what I need to get to the bottom of this entire thing.  Again, good sir, smell ya later."

"I think perhaps I haven't made myself clear enough Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking man said elusively as he smoked and blew a ring of cigarette smoke into the air, "We here at Cerberus aim to improve the human condition, and right now we need your help to accomplish that."

"No dude you've made yourself perfectly clear. What you haven't done is open your fucking ears and listen to a single thing I've said so let me repeat myself again for the ninetieth time: I don't want anything to do with you or Cerberus. I want to go find my crew and get back to stopping the Reapers."

"Well it looks like we're at an impasse Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking Man said with a cigarette smoke exhaling sigh, "It's really a shame too because it sounds like you and I more or less want the same thing. I was so looking forward to this chance for you and I to work together. I even went so far as to have my engineers build you a ship in preparation. Here, take a look."

The Illusive Smoking Man waved his arm with a flourish like a shitty stage magician and a segment of the projected starfield vanished revealing a shipyard in which a nearly perfectly replica of the Normandy sat ready to depart.

"We went through a lot of trouble to get it as close to the original as possible," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "Our engineers made a few minor improvements of course.  You know, the sort of things the Alliance was either too cheap or too scared to splurge on. Listen, since your goals and ours are more or less the same here's what I'm going to do. The ship? She's yours. If you really want to stop the Reapers you're going to need a ship and the Notmandy is, without a doubt, the finest ship that isn't a Reaper in the entire galaxy."

Sloane had to admit it was a pretty good looking ship.  "What's the catch?" she asked wearily, "You're not just going to give me a ship like that and then cut me loose."

The Illusive Smoking Man laughed, "Miss Shepard, you cut me to the quick. There's no catch. The ship's yours."

Sloane looked out at the Notmandy and the back at the Illusive Smoking Man. "I'd need a pilot and a skeleton crew of ten to twenty people depending on what sort of systems you've got in there," she said at last, "so thanks but no. If you could give me a shuttle that could get me to the nearest Mass Relay and back to the Citadel I'd appreciate it."

"What if I were to provide you with a pilot and a crew?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked with a queer grin, "I had hired people to crew the ship when I though that you and I would be working together Miss Shepard."

"They'd be loyal to you and we'd be back at square one," Sloane shot back, "I'd be working with Cerberus on a job I could do just as well with my own people."

"Why don't you at least meet the pilot before you make any assumptions about where the crew's loyalties lies?" the Illusive Smoking Man said. He then picked up a comlink and told whoever was on the other end to, "Send him in."

A moment later another segment of the universe faded away to reveal a door that hissed open. The Illusive Smoking Man took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled slowly before he said, "Miss Shepard, I'd like you to meet the pilot of the Notmandy."

A figure slowly shuffled forward out of the murky darkness that permeated the doorway. He was clad in the uniform of a low ranking Cerberus officer and a baseball cap bearing the Cerberus logo was pulled low over his face. The shambling figure seemed vaguely familiar but she could not for the life of her put her finger on why.  She stared at the figure lurking in the darkness a moment and then it struck Sloane like a bolt of lightning. She knew who it was. "

Jesus Christ! Joker? Is that you?" she shouted.

The former Normandy pilot looked up with a broad smile and said, "Hey Commander. It's good to see you again."


	23. Mass Effect - S02E03 - All Aboard the Notmandy

Sloane Shepard stood on the flight deck of the Notmandy taking in the strangeness of it all. The layout of the ship was at once familiar and completely alien to her. Part of her still wondered how she'd let Joker talk her into accepting the "gift" of the Notmandy from the Illusive Smoking Man.

The Illusive Smoking Man had not been wrong in telling her not to be hasty in dismissing the crew's loyalties for in addition to Joker the Illusive Smoking Man (or more likely his agents) had convinced Doctor Chocolate and several other crew members from the Normandy whose names Sloane could not for the life of her recall to join Cerberus and once again serve under her command.

He had, however, lied when he told her there were no catches to taking the ship for he had been fairly insistent that she take Miranda Australian and Jacob Black-Kaidan along with her. Joker had looked so sad and disappointed when Sloane had told the Illusive Smoking Man he could stick the Notmandy up his ass sideways after learning that she'd be stuck with those two idiots that she finally just gave in and agreed to take the two Cerberus operatives with her. She figured she could ditch them on an asteroid or have them thrown in Space Gitmo or something if they got out of line.

As Sloane looked over her galaxy maps, plotting the best way to get to the Citadel, a woman dressed in a Cerberus uniform approached her and saluted. "Yeoman Kelly Chambers reporting for duty ma'am," the woman said.

"Yeoman?  I never had a yeoman on staff before.  What exactly do you do Miss Chambers?" Sloane asked.

"I was personally selected by Mister Illusive Smoking Man to manage your schedule and take your calls for you.  If it's easier for you, you can think of me as a personal assistant or secretary," the woman said, "and please call me Kelly, unless of course you think that's far too informal."

"Alright Kelly," Sloane said with a smirk, "Good to have you aboard."

"I'm really glad to be here Commander Shepard," she said, "I'm excited and nervous and scared and thrilled about what we are about to do, but you make me feel like if I were to fall you would be there to catch me."

"I might do more than catch you Kelly."

Kelly seemed to blush slightly and winked. "I might let you do more than catch me Commander Shepard."

Sloane smiled.  The Illusive Smoking Man had really done his homework before picking out a space secretary out for her to ogle.  Kelly was Sloane's type to a T: short, a cute face, a round butt, nice hips, stylish haircut, charming, coquettish, and perhaps most importantly not adverse to workplace flirting and/or sexual harassment.

"Anything else Kelly?" Sloane asked.

"Yes, Mister Illusive Smoking Man gave me a list of agents and operatives who may be able to help in your quest to stop the Collectors," Kelly said, "I've taken the liberty of uploading their dossiers to your Power Glove."

"Thank you Kelly, but this list won't be necessary.  I'm going to the Citadel to find out what happened to my old crew and then getting them back and then we'll go on one last mission together," Sloane said idealistically.

"All the old crew?" Kelly asked with an impish twinkle in her eyes, "Even Doctor Liara T'sonni?"

How much did she, and by extension the Illusive Smoking Man, know about what had transpired between Liara and her?  Joker might have seen them flirting, but she didn't think he would have known that they had been dating prior to the destruction of the Normandy, no one really knew.  Sloane gave a somewhat vague answer, "I don't know...maybe."

"Because you were dating her and she thought you died and you haven't seen or spoken to her in over two years and you're scare that she'll be angry with you...maybe that she found someone new to replace you?  She'd be thrilled to see you wouldn't she?" Kelly asked, "Or is it is because you'd rather see someone else and it's easier to just let Doctor T'sonni go on believing you are dead than it is to return from the dead and break up with her?"

"It can be two things Kelly," Sloane said, "Anyway we should prepare to Mass Effect back to the Citadel so I'm going to go over there now...three feet away from you to avoid answering a question I'd rather not answer."

Sloane moved three feet to her left and opened up her Galactic Map.  "Joker, set a course for the Citadel!  I've got a resurrection to take care of," Sloane said into the intercom.

**Commercial Break**

The Citadel docks were a hive of activity; far busier than the last time Sloane had set foot there.  It seemed that some improvements had been made to the station since the Battle of the Citadel ended.  Miranda Australian and Jacob Black-Kaidan trailed behind her.  She had only agreed to allow them to come because Joker had said that she might run into some trouble getting into the Citadel on account of officially being dead and if she ended up in the slammer she'd need them to bail her out of jail. 

"Hey Jacob, do me a favor and walk in front of me okay?" Sloane said as they made their way toward the immigration checkpoint.

"Uh...okay.  Can I ask why?" Jacob asked as he jogged ahead of Sloane.

"No hetero or anything but you've got a nice ass and I want to look at it," Sloane said and then licked her lips lewdly.

A severe look crossed Jacob's face and he declared, "Commander Shepard, that's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it."

"Oh dear. I probably shouldn't mention that I'm thinking about doing heterosexual butt stuff with you then huh?" Sloane asked, "You guys do have butt stuff right? I don't know what you wacky heteros get up to..."

"Commander I will report you to the Illusive Smoking Man," Jacob said sternly, "Cerberus has a pretty serious anti-sexual harassment policy."

Miranda shot Jacob a look of disgust and admonished the soldier. "Jacob, you drongo, she's a lesbian. She's trying to get herself fired by having you report her for sexual harassment. She was trying the same thing with her yeoman earlier, only Miss Chambers seemed into it so she's trying her luck with you because you seem the most uptight."

Jacob scowled at Sloane and folded his arms across his chest. "Wanting out of Cerberus doesn't give you the right to make your coworkers uncomfortable Shepard. I thought you were better than that."

"I was better than that, but me being better than that was a lifetime ago, before some kind of radical scientific terrorists forced me to work for them against my will," Sloane said, "So keep on walking Mister Black-Kaidan. Let me see those buns in motion bay-bay!"

The trio continued walking toward the immigration terminal when suddenly an unfamiliar woman's voice called out, "Sloane Shepard are you ready for excitement? Just say the magic words and unbelievable adventures can be yours for the taking!"

Sloane wheeled around trying to see who had called out to her, but saw no one save for a vid display showing an advertisement. A hooded Asian woman blinked on the screen. Sloane had no idea what the ad was attempting to sell. Suddenly the woman in the ad vid shrugged and said, "So how about it Sloane Shepard?"

"Holy shit! How do you know my name?" Sloane asked in surprise.

The woman blinked and said, "Seriously? Have you never seen a personalized vid advert before? They've been huge for like the past year and a half...two years maybe? What were you in a coma or something?"

"Yes."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I really had no idea. So how about it Sloane Shepard? Just say the magic words and unbelievable adventures can be yours for the taking!" the advertisement said again.

Miranda groaned and said, "I can't believe you are having a conversation with an advertisement. What? Are you going for a Section 8 now? Trying to get kicked out for being insane?"

"Jesus Miranda! Do you ever shut up?" Sloane asked angrily. "When I was an orphan at Saint Janelle Monae's Home for Wayward Girls back on Earth the nuns there used to tell me something that I think you would do well to think about before you next open your mouth: Silence is golden."

Miranda opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, the advertising display played a bit of fanfare and the Asian lady said, "Those are the magic words!  I'll be right down."

A moment later the woman, who had just been on the video screen was standing before Sloane Shepard in the flesh.  "The name's Kasumi.  I'm a thief by trade.  I don't really like to toot my own horn or anything but I'm pretty much the best in the galaxy and now you and I are teaming up."

"We are?" Sloane asked.

"We are!  Celibate or Schoolbus or something contacted me and told me you'd need a thief and so here I am!" Kasumi said excitedly, "It's going to be great!  You and I will break into one of the best defended mansion in the entire galaxy and steal my greybox back from a douchelord who took it from my dear, dead Cagey.  I'll go wait in your spaceship and let you finish up whatever you've got to do here in the Citadel."

"Wait!  No!  Stay!" Sloane exclaimed, "Miranda, you can go wait on the ship."

Miranda didn't say anything as she turned and walked toward the Notmandy. Maybe she was learning that Sloane meant what she said.

"Let's get moving," Sloane said, "Jacob, you know the drill. Lemme see that butt!"  

Jacob sighed and began to walk toward the checkpoint.  "What butt are you talking about?" Kasumi inquired as Jacob walked a few feet in front of the two women, "That guy's as flat as a pancake.  Besides aren't you gay?  They told me you were gay."

**Commercial Break**

The Counselors scowled angrily at her in hologram phone fashion.  Getting declared officially alive again was a lot easier than this phone call meeting.  Sloane was glad that it was just a phone call though and not a face to face meeting, because she was almost certain that if they had been in the same room as her, the Terrarium counselor at the very least would take a swing at her.  She was also glad that Ex-Commander Current-Counselor Anderson was there in his resplendent Counselor robes to provide moral support.  He had been a lot nicer to her than anyone else from her past had been about the entire "working for terrorists" thing, excluding Joker and Doctor Chocolate who were in the same boat as her literally...they were on her spaceship.

"We really should throw you in space Gitmo for your ties to an organization that has been declared by the Council to be radical scientific terrorist," the demon alien counselor said, "but in recognition of your service to the Council during the Battle of the Citadel we won't do that.  That being said, we really cannot offer you any support on this wild spacegoose chase into Terminus space after the mythical Reapers."

Sloane rolled her eyes and sarcastically said, "Give me a break...mythical?  We killed a goddamn Reaper right outside the Citadel.  Huge chunks of it fell into the Tower of Counseling and nearly crushed me.  How can you still deny that the Reapers are totally a real thing that exists?"

The Terrarium counselor grumbled angrily, "That wreckage could just have easily come from a new type of cyberman war frigate! Did you ever think of that? Besides a lot of the wreckage was collected by scavengers before we got a chance to examine it. If you want to check out that wreckage you should ask that Qunari you used to be all chummy with. I bet she knows where some of that wreckage got to."

"Wow, racist much?" Sloane said in disbelief. "You do know that Tali, that was 'that Qunari's' name, was the one who killed Seville right? And instead of commending her for her heroics you're accusing her of looting wrecked charismatic spaceships? Where would she have stashed this wreckage? In her pocket? Use your fucking brain guy! You do have one in that ugly head of yours don't you?"

"You are out of line Commander Shepard!" the terrarium roared furiously.

"Commander Shepard is understandably upset my fellow counsellors," Anderson quickly interjected trying to calm the volatile situation, "She was at the very least in a coma for more than two years. I know if I had been in a coma for two years and came to to find my most recent works abandoned by those people I thought were my friends I would be frustrated and lash out as well."

The Asari counselor nodded and said, "The Human counselor speaks wisely. Commander Shepard has been through a great trauma and deserves some measure of compassion from those of us who benefited so greatly from her heroic deeds. Though we cannot directly assist you in your hunt for the Collectors or the Reapers or whoever you are after in the Terminus System, especially while you willing choose to associate freely with a known terrorist organization, perhaps we could reinstate you as a Spectre with all the rights and privileges that come with that title."

"I would be amenable to that," the demon alien counselor said, "Commander Shepard? What do think?"

"You have my thanks then," Sloane said "I shall continue to represent the Spectres with pride and dignity."

"Good," the demon alien said.

"Anderson, don't bother us with these stupid human issues again!" the Terrarium counselor said before slamming down his holograph receiver and fading from sight.

Anderson sighed and rubbed his greying temples. "That went well..." he said with a laugh.

"Dude what happened? Why is everyone back to acting like the Reapers are a fairytale?" Sloane asked.

"They spoke true earlier. There wasn't a lot of the Reaper left after the battle and without a body, so to speak, it was easier for them just say it was all cybermen. They figured it would cause less panic if the public didn't know about the Reapers."

"It's bullshit," Sloane said.

"It's politics," Anderson replied.

The door to Anderson's office slid open with a hiss that sounded like an annoyed cat and in stepped Ambassador Udina. "Did I hear someone say my favorite word?" the smarmy politician asked with a broad shit eating grin, but when he saw Sloane standing there with Anderson his smile faded; replaced with a scowl. "So, the rumors are true then? You are alive and now a terrorist. I can't say I for one am entirely surprised."

"Nice to see you too Udina," Sloane replied sarcastically.

"Whatever you say Shepard. Anderson I have some matters to discuss when there isn't a terrorist in you office," Udina said, "I'll come back later."

Anderson nodded as Udina departed. Sloane smirked and expressed her surprise, "I can't believe you kept him on."

"As annoying a prick as he can be Udina does know his stuff and genuinely enjoys the social part of being a politician...the dinners and press junkets and such."

"Sounds like you make a pretty good team. You know who else made a good team? Ashley Williams and I. I'm trying to put a team together to take out these Collector-Reapers and think she'd be perfect. She's a hell of a gunner and is pretty keyed in on the whole space racist angle that my new employers are so into," Sloane said, "The only problem is that no one knows where she is..."

"I do, but it's confidential and I can't tell you. I'm sorry Shepard," Anderson said, "When you died the Alliance took you off their security clearance lists. I could have probably gotten you back on them but now that you've joined a terrorist group it's doubtful."

"Cerberus!!" Sloane shouted as she shook her fists at the heavens, "You'll pay for all these minor inconveniences my forced membership in your stupid organization has caused me! I swear to God Jesus!"


	24. Mass Effect - S02E04 - Get Your Gunn

"I must admit I'm a little surprised by how good you look in that dress," Kasumi said as she piloted the shuttle towards Hock Manor, "I thought you were trying to hide something with that Nehru jacket and those sensible slacks you wear on the ship, but you've got a nice body. Don't go getting any crazy ideas though okay? I'm strictly dickly."

Sloane cracked a smile and said, "I'll try to keep that in mind. So what's the plan here?"

"The plan's pretty simple. You will be playing the part of Allison Gunn, small time merc and recent Badass Monthly cover girl. I did a pretty good doctoring up your credentials so no one will get too suspicious unless you start trying to talk shop and make a fool of yourself. Pretty much you just need to stand around and look hot and distract all the bad boys and girls attending this little soiree while I break into the vault," Kasumi said as the shuttle puttered through the atmosphere.

"Allison Gunn?"

"I've been sitting on that one for awhile. Pretty badass huh?" Kasumi said proudly.

"Yeah it's pretty good I guess. So why aren't you wearing a dress too?"

"I don't really have the chest for it. Besides there's a three or four percent chance they won't let me in anyway," Kasumi said, "and if comes to that I'd rather be dressed comfortably. Bypassing security fences and evading robodogs in heels pretty much sucks. Before you ask we're sneaking your gear in in a statue, but I doubt you're going to need it. Well, this is the place."

Kasumi put the shuttle down a short distance from a palatial estate the likes of which Sloane had never seen. Growing up an orphan on Earth she was far more accustomed to homeless shelters and cardboard condominiums than she was palaces and mansions.

A pair of heavily armed guards stood at the front gate wielding sci-fi metal detectors. They were already scanning the statue containing Sloane's gear that Kasumi had prepped. The statue was a gaudy gold thing in the likeness of Seville the Terrarium or at least it was supposed to be Seville. It more or less looked like every Terrarium Sloane had seen in her life that is, of course, if Terrariums were gold plated paper machie containing shotguns and Uzis and body armor.

Sloane held her breath as the guards scanned the statue. If they discovered what was contained within it would be a firefight there on the front lawn and Sloane was not dressed for the occasion. A sleazeball with a white suit and poorly advised facial hair appeared at the gate as the guards scanned the statue.

"Donovan Hock," Kasumi whispered, "He owns this place and has my greybox."

The scumbag with shitty nu metal band bassist facial hair grinned and whistled appreciatively. "Miss Gunn the pictures in Badass Monthly did not do you justice. You are far more stunning in person."

"Thank you Mister Hock," Sloane said, "You are much too kind."

One of the guards approached Sloane with the sci-fi metal detector. Sloane glanced at Donovan Hock in askance.

"I apologize for the inconvenience Miss Gunn. When you're in our line of work you make a lot of enemies...merely a slight security measure," the grimy arms dealer said with a grin. The guard moved toward Kasumi with the scanner but Donovan Hock stopped him, "You needn't scan her, she's not coming in."

"I beg your pardon? Why can't my friend come in too?" Sloane asked.

"Because Miss Gunn," the scumfuck named Donovan Hock said, "I don't like the cut of her jib. I mean she looks like a Qunari in that hood. How trustworthy could she possible be with a hood like that?"

Sloane opened her mouth to say something in reply but Kasumi interrupted her. "It's okay Allison," she said, "I'll wait for you in the shuttle. One of us should stay sober anyway."

The scumbag with shitty facial hair laughed, "You might be waiting awhile...I've got plans for Miss Gunn." The guards laughed along with that douchebag, Donovan Hock, and Sloane very nearly smacked the taste out of Hock's mouth, but didn't want to blow her cover and held her emotions in check. "Come now Moss Gunn, allow me to show you my humble abode," Dovonvan "Dirtbag" Hock said.

"I just want to take my friend back to our shuttle," Sloane said. Hock looked annoyed, so Sloane quickly added, "and make sure I have a space condom in my clutch."

This seemed to please Donovan "D-Bag" Hock who smiled broadly and waved for her to go. "Just be quick about it Miss Gunn," he said and turned and walked back towards his mansion.

Kasumi and Sloane walked back towards the shuttle. "That was a nice touch...going back for some space condoms. You're pretty quick on your feet Shepard," Kasumi said when they were out of earshot of the guards.

"So what's the plan now?  I can't very well steal this mystery item back by myself," Sloane said, "and I'm definitely not sleeping with him for real.  I mean for real, even if I did sleep with dudes which I don't, did you see how big a scumbag that guy is?  He's got facial hair like some nu metal also-ran bassist.  It's fucking disgusting.  I wouldn't let him anywhere near me in the bedroom."

"Smart girl," Kasumi replied, "As for the plan.  It stays the same.  You go in and keep the beautiful villains occupied while I sneak in and check out the vault.  I'll radio you if I need your help with anything alright?  I'll be invisible so if you get into any trouble yourself, just radio me and I'll be able to help you out alright?"

"Alright.  Well, wish me luck."

Kasumi smirked impishly and replied, "You won't need luck.  You've got a smoking hot body, a great cover story and me on your side."

**Commercial Break**

"And so I say to the Terrarium, 'No, my name isn't Baby, it's Allison. Miss Gunn if you're nasty,' and then I shot him," Sloane said, grinning broadly at the pair of Asari drug smugglers lounging languidly on either side of her on the leatherette settee she was seated upon in Donovan Hock's library.

The bustier of the two drug dealers placed her hand on Sloane's knee and tittered, "How absolutely droll. How is it that we have never had the pleasure of making your acquaintance before Miss Gunn?"

Sloane placed her arm around the Asari woman's waist and drew her closer. "What do you say we go find an empty room upstairs and rectify that?" Sloane asked the Asari woman staring at her with large doe eyes.

"Real smooth Shepard. I might have to borrow that one," Kasumi's voice whispered in her ear, "I just wanted to let you know that I've gotten into the mansion. I'm staring at the vault right now and frankly I'm a bit disappointed. This won't take long to crack but I'm going to need your help. There's a generator hidden on the shelf across from where you're sitting. It's powering the vault's primary defense system. It's the thing that looks like an ugly statuette. Disarm it."

Sloane stood and took the busty Asari by the hand and embraced her planting a kiss upon the woman's mouth. The other drug dealer on the couch laughed and sipped her blue booze. Sloane pushed the woman up against the bookshelf as she fondled the Asari criminal. A shelf gave way causing first edition copies of Ramona the Pest and Windows '95 For Dummies to fall to the floor along with, more importantly, the defense system generator.

The Asari woman let out a muffled coo of pleasure as Sloane slid a hand under the hem of the drug smuggler's skirt and grabbed a generous handful of Asari ass.  A Bavarian guard poked his head into the room at the sound of the crash, but upon seeing Sloane and the Asari merely nodded in approval and muttered, "Nice," before returning to his post.

"Resourceful Shepard. Not really how I would have gone about it, but the system's down," Kasumi's voice whispered in her ear, "Tell your new friend to go wait for you in the game room upstairs and excuse yourself to freshen up and then come see me out on the balcony."

Sloane broke off the kiss and whispered, "Go wait for me in the game room upstairs. I'll be up in a minute. I just need to freshen up."

The Asari drug dealer nodded and licked her lips seductively. "Don't be long," she said before sauntering towards the staircase, her hips swaying seductively.

Sloane made her way out of the library toward the balcony. "Okay good, you're here.  I thought I might have lost you to that Asari's ass.  It's probably a lot more interesting than what we've got in store tonight," Kasumi said as she appeared out of thin air, "Here, you might need this." She pressed a small pistol into Sloane's hand.

"So what are we doing out here?" Sloane asked as she took the pistol and checked it.

"I need a sample of Hock's DNA to open the vault door, so we're going to go up into his room and find some DNA," Kasumi replied, "Come on, follow me."

The master thief climbed over a banister and leapt across to a trellis that she scrambled up like a cat onto a narrow ledge beneath a large bay window. Sloane took off her heels and followed suit. Kasumi helped pull Sloane up onto the ledge from the trellis.

"By the way, I'm sorry I interrupted whatever you were up to with that Asari," Kasumi said as she took out a small laser cutter and proceeded to cut a portal into the glass of the overlarge bay window. "That's not usually my way, but we don't have a ton of time."

"Nah it's okay," Sloane said, "She wasn't really my type anyway...just someone to pass the time with."

Kasumi affixed a large suction cup to the window and gently removed the cut segment from the window frame.  "I hear that.  So, what is your type then?" she asked as she stepped through the hole she had just finished lasering into the window.

Sloane followed after the thief into the bedchambers of Donovan "Douchelord" Hock and said, "I dunno.  I guess I like someone who's a little quiet and kind of subdued.  It wouldn't hurt if she had a nice ass either I suppose."

"Oh, like Kelly!" Kasumi exclaimed as she took out her Power Glove and began scanning the room for DNA, "She's gay too isn't she?  I mean with that haircut she's gotta be right?  You should totally go out with her!  You two would make such a cute couple, unless of course there's some sort of Cerberus rules against fraternizing with your underlings."

"I don't really care about Cerberus rules," Sloane said as she waved her own Power Glove about trying to get a signal, "but that doesn't mean Kelly and I should date.  She legit works for Cerberus and I don't even know if she likes me anyway."

"Oh come on!  You're not that dense are you?  That girl is totally into you," Kasumi said, "Hold on, I'm getting something over by that trashcan.  The signal's off the charts.   Power level over 9,000!"  She peered into the can and then paled before taking a shiv from her boot and digging into the trashcan with it.

"What?" Sloane asked, "What's wrong?  Why are you making that face?"

"Well, I found our DNA.  I would have preferred shitty facial hair trimmings or fingernail clippings or something, but beggars can't be choosers," Kasumi said and brought the shiv up out of the trashcan.  A used space condom hung from the end of it, a sizable quantity of Donovan "Dickjuice" Hock's genetic material contained within, "Come on, let's go unlock a vault."

"That's disgusting.  Are you just going to walk down to the vault with that space rubber hanging off the end of your knife?" Sloane asked, "Why don't you put it in an evidence bag or something?"

"Do I look like a cop?" Kasumi asked, "I don't have any evidence bags.  Besides, it's not that far to the vault anyway.  I'll meet you down..."

But before Kasumi could finish her thought the door to Donovan Hock's bedroom opened and a pair of muscle for hire goons strolled in.  "Hey what are you two doing in here?" the goons shouted in unison.  The effect of the two hired goons screaming in unison was creepy as shit and Sloane pulled out the pistol and fired instinctively, blowing one of the guards' head away in an instant.

"I guess we're fighting it out then," Kasumi said, "I mean we could have just told them we came up here to fuck each other but a gun fight is okay too I suppose."  The master thief turned invisible and popped up behind the other guard, slitting his throat.  Sloane did not want to know if it was the same knife Kasumi had just used to fish a jizz filled condom out of a garbage can.

"Alright.  Meet me down in vault," Kasumi said as the muscle for hire collapsed on the ground grasping at his throat and struggling to breath.  The master thief then vanished from sight, leaving Sloane alone in Donovan "Dirk Diggler" Hock's bed chamber.  She placed the pistol in her handbag, smoothed out her dress and walked out the door back into the partyhall with no one any the wiser to the fact that she had just gunned down a guard.

**Commercial Break**

It was comforting to be in her space marine armor with a shotgun strapped to her back once more.  Sloane realized how strangely naked she had felt without her fighting gear.  As she guarded the door Kasumi dumped Donovan "Big Nasty" Hock's spendings on to the DNA reader.  The machine beeped and then flashed a green light.

"Again, not my first choice, but it worked," Kasumi said.  She punched something into her Power Glove and said, "Annnnnd...we're in."  As if on cue, the door to the vault creaked open.  "It won't be long until I find my greybox now," Kasumi said as she entered the vault, "C'mon."

Sloane followed after her cautiously, her gun at the ready.  In Sloane's experience this kind of jobs never turned out the way you expected them to.  As the two women turned a corner, a blast of laser blast suddenly shot out at them.  Up ahead a pair of mech gun bots were shooting in their general direction.  Kasumi vanished from sight only to reappear at the end of the hallway screaming, "Present for you!" and laserblasting the fuck out of the gun robots.  The robots exploded in an explosion of exploded bits before Sloane even had a chance to shotgun the shit out of one of them.

"Hey, save some for me next time why don't ya?" Sloane said jokingly.  But as the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for," because for little did she know she would soon get her wish.  A platoon of muscle for hire goons, mech gun bots, and even a Robotech suit quickly rushed into the room, ready to rumble.

Sloane stared down the giant robot and muttered, "Oh fuck.  Time for a big gun."  She pulled her Arc Blaster off her back and aimed it at the Robotech battle mech and pulled the trigger.  The Arc Blaster hummed like a vibrator as it charged up.  The way it shook in her arms, Sloane wondered if perhaps she could use it for that purposed as the gun charged to full.  She then pulled the trigger hitting the Robotech mech center mass.  The huge machine exploded in a mess of melted steel and element x and Sloane quickly realized it would probably not be a good idea to sit on a charging Arc Blaster.  She'd have to stick with the space dolphin.

"Eat it!  Present for yoooou!" Kasumi shouted as she bounced around the room like a super ball dispensing death and watch the robot version of death was to the goons and mechs that were shooting all over the place.  It was kind of amazing to watch.  Soon enough the entirety of the platoon was wiped out.  Dead at the hands of Kasumi and Sloane.

"What the F is going on down there?!" shouted Donovan Hock over the intercom, "You guys better not be fuckin' around with those mechs again!  You cost me one million credits in repairs the last time you made those mechs fight down there."

Kasumi shot out the speaker and headed towards the inner sanctum of the vault.  "We just need to open this door and we'll be in the vault.  We can snag my greybox and then get the heck out of here and be back on the Notmandy by dinner time...if that's something that sounds appealing to you.  If not, I know a pretty decent ramen place near here we can hit up before we go back to the ship."  The woman then took out her Power Glove and began to hack the vault's door.  A moment later there was a satisfying click and the door hissed open.  "Aw ye ye!" Kasumi exclaimed excitedly, "Let's get my greybox!"

The two women entered the vault and in an instant Sloane was blown away by the treasures contained within: lewd Asari sculptures, monolithic Krogan artifacts, the severed head of the Statue of Liberty that appeared in the movie Cloverfield, there was apparently no treasure too unobtainable for Donovan "Big Collector" Hock to obtain.  "I can't believe this guy has the Mona Lisa and that C3-PO boner card, signed by C3-PO himself," Sloane said in disbelief as she and Kasumi looked through the loot trying to find Kasumi's graybox."

_Not Pictured: Mona Lisa_

"Yeah Hock's got a problem.  Ah, here it is!  My graybox!" Kasumi exclaimed as she picked up a small electronic device off a display stand and placed it in her burglar bag, "Holy shit is that...yes it is!  The Mantis X-2 Uzi Deluxe!  The gun that killed two presidents!  Holy fuck.  I'm taking this too.  I figure Hock owes me for stealing my greybox."

As Kasumi chucked he Cerberus issued uzi into the corner and picked up the Mantis X-2 Uzi Deluxe Hock's ugly, poorly bearded face appeared, floating at the far end of the room.  "Kasumi...I knew you'd try some shit though I must admit I'm a little disappointed that Allison Gunn decided to help you out this evening instead of taking a ride on my Ham Hock if you catch my meaning and so..."

"BOOYAH!" Sloane blasted a vase into a gajillion pieces.  "Hock, you talk too damn much!" she shouted, "Deploy your minions so we can kill them and continue our escape.  We'll see you out at the landing platform for the final showdown."

"OOOOOOOH!  KILL THEM!" the giant floating head of Hock screamed as minions rushed into the vault ready to rumble.  

The gun that killed two presidents quickly became the gun that killed two presidents and a couple dozen minions as Kasumi mowed down all the minions that Donovan "Dick Move" Hock had set unleashed upon them.  With the minions dead and dying Sloane and Kasumi commenced to escape, battling their way through the tunnels beneath the vaults and ultimately out into the mansion's shipyard.

"The shuttle's right over there!  We're home free!" Sloane exclaimed, but she was perhaps a tad hasty for as the words left her mouth, a gunship swooped down at them.  It was Donovan "Double Down" Hock in a goddamn gunship.

"Fucking coward!" Kasumi exclaimed as the ship swooped by and shot at them, "Wait here.  I'll take care of those shields."

Kasumi scampered up wall and parkoured onto the ship as it swooped by and then jammed some jammer into the front of the gunship.  From her position down below, Sloane watched the shields fade and laughed.  She took up her Arc Blaster, aimed and primed it, and then released a blast of pure Arc energy that tore through Donovan "Dead Man" Hock's gunship.

"AW YE YE!  Bag 'im and tag 'im!" Sloane exclaimed as the ship exploded in a ball of fire.  She and Kasumi then dashed back to the shuttle and quickly puttered away from Donovan Hock's mansion as more guards ran out on to the landing pad and fired impotently at the departing shuttle.  They had gotten the greybox back and escaped in one piece.  It was a nearly flawless victory.

* * *

Sloane and Kasumi sat in the lounge drinking space booze as Kasumi turned the greybox over in her hand.  The box had contained secrets...dangerous secrets that dangerous men and women would kill to keep from being revealed.  Those secrets had been encrypted in memories of Kasumi's dead lover, Cagey.

"I don't know what I should do Sloane," Kasumi said, "There's a real risk that people will be after me once they find out what I have, but I don't want to destroy it.  This is all I have to remember Cagey by."

Sloane thought of Liara.  Would she risked her own personal safety just to preserve her memory of the Asari science lady she had loved?  She downed the remainder of her space booze and put the shot glass down on the counter and poured herself another.  "You should keep it Kasumi," Sloane said, "If anyone does come after you, I hope you know I've got your back."

"Thank you Shepard," Kasumi said, "for everything."

**End Credits**

**Post Credit Scene**

"She's back on the ship now?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked as he sat in his leather executive's throne floating through the universe.

"Yes, she and the thief returned earlier this evening," Miranda Australian replied, "I worry that she isn't taking this mission seriously sir.  We need her to go to Omega to pick up Doctor Solas Morton, but she seems more than content to pull heists on Cerberus allies like Donovan Hock and scan planets like a bloody space cartographer."

The Illusive Smoking Man puffed on his cigarette and smiled at his liaison.  "Well then we'll just have to give her a reason to travel to Omega other than the fate of all humanity.  We'll have to appeal to her sentimental side.  I've just gotten word that there's a vigilante in Omega trying to clean up the streets.  They call this person Archangel and a little bird tells me that they are someone from Shepard's past.  I'd like to keep this fact from her as long as possible.  Appeal to her morality first.  'Hey this Archangel character is trying to do the right thing, maybe they'd be a good addition to the squad.'  I'll send Miss Chambers the data.  How's she working out anyway?"

"Miss Chambers and Miss Shepard flirt a lot.  I thought at first it was just Shepard trying to get herself fired because she was doing the same thing with Black-Kaidan in spite of her predilections, but there seems to be something more to it than that.  They seem to genuinely like one another, but I don't think anything has come of it beyond the flirting," Miranda replied.

"Good.  That means that Miss Chambers is a resource that you can use to guide Shepard into doing what we need her to do," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just do it ourselves?  Without Sloane Shepard?" Miranda asked.

"No, we need her," the Illusive Smoking Man replied, "In fact she's the crux upon which this entire thing rests, so I trust you'll figure out a way to get her to Omega before we next talk.  Illusive Smoking Man out!"


	25. Mass Effect - S02E05 - Gangbangin' In Omega

The stench was horrid: decaying organic matter mixed with space frigate fuel.  Garbage of of all sorts had been piled up in the hallways leading from the docks to the Omega Station and a slick layer of greasy grime seemed to cover everything.  The stench reminded Sloane of the slums she had grown up in back on Earth and she still couldn't believe she'd let Kelly talk her into traveling to this pit of a space station.  Her secretary had been pretty convincing when she told Sloane that there was a vigilante fighting the good fight in Omega and Kelly's offer to rub Sloane's shoulders after she came back might have helped in persuading her as well.  In all her travels Sloane had never once before set foot in hive of scum and villainy as wretched as Omega Station.  She couldn't wait to be done with the place.

"Hey Fresh Meat," a Bavarian wearing grease stained lederhosen shouted as he approached Sloane and her companions.  

Sloane looked around but so no one else in the hallway save for her and her friends.  Her hand went to the uzi in her belt.  "Are you talking to me?" she asked the filthy Bavarian.

"What do you think?  I don't see any other Fresh Meat here do you?" the Bavarian said, "I got a message for ya...go present yourself to Aria at Afterlife."

"What?" Sloane asked, "No one tells me what to do."

"Listen, Fresh Meat, if you know what's good for you'll go see Aria at Afterlife.  She runs this place and your life expectancy will be a lot shorter if you piss her off," the Bavarian said, "but it's no skin off my thorax if you want to get yourself killed."  The Bavarian then turned and walked down a side corridor and vanished from sight.

"I think we should probably go see that Aria first.  We've had dealings with her in the past and that Bavarian tells it true.  Aria is definitely not the sort of person you want to go out of your way to piss off," Miranda said, "There's no sense making things any harder for us here than they are already going to be."

"That makes sense.  Thanks Miranda," Sloane said, "I respect and value your insight."

"Sloane are you feeling okay?" Kasumi asked.

"Yeah.  I mean I'd be better if I wasn't walking around in this filth, but other than that I'm fine, why?"

"You just complimented Miranda," Kasumi replied, "That's...not normal for you."

"Oh yeah, about that.  You see these scars that Miranda and her fellow Cerberuses caused on my face?" Sloane asked Kasumi as she pointed to the queer glowing wounds that pocked her face.  Kasumi nodded and said "Uh huh," and Sloane continued, "Doctor Chocolate told me that if I want my face to heal faster I have to be positive and avoid negativity.  I thought it was some goofy Eastern mysticism bullshit.  Uh...no offense."

"None taken," Kasumi interjected.

"The thing is, it really seems to be working," Sloane continued.

Kasumi leaned closer and studied Sloane's face a moment before exclaiming, "Oh yeah...they do look a little better since you and I went to Donovan Hock's mansion together.  So this entire being nice to Miranda thing?"

"Totally done the second my face is back to pre-Cerberus levels of scarring," Sloane replied and then turned to Miranda and added, "So don't start thinking you and I are buddies or anything like that alright?"

Miranda opened her mouth to say something, but before she mutter a single syllable a moan of pain resounded through the hall.  At the end of the hall Sloane spotted a well knuckled human male in his middle years putting the boots to a scummy looking Bavarian in a kaiser helmet crumbled in a heap among the rubbish.  "Uncle!  Uncle!" the Bavarian cried out, but the man continued to lay into the Bavarian like it was his job pummeling him with elbows and boots.

"Hey dude!" Sloane called out, "What's going on over there?"

"This scumfuck owes some very rich people a lot of money," the human said.  It was quite clear to Sloane from the mess of scars on the man's face that he had never tried to be nice to people he hated after receiving facial wounds.  "I would have brought him in peacefully if he hadn't run and made me chase him halfway across the galaxy.  Hey...you're Sloane Shepard aren't you?"

"Yeah?" Sloane said, somewhat confused by how this unsavory bounty hunter knew who she was.

"Finally a bit of luck for ol' Coach Z," the man said, possibly referring to himself in the third person and also using a nickname, "You're my next job."

Sloane and Kasumi quickly drew their uzis and pointed them at the man.  Miranda stood beside them, her arms folded under her generous technologically enhanced bosoms.  The middle aged man chuckled, "You can put those guns away ladies.  That was a poor choice of words on my behalf.  I've been hired to work for you, by some guy named Illusive Smoking Man.  Paid my fee in full and promised a pretty generous bonus at job's end, so I accepted.  It's not usually my sort of thing, but he paid me more credits than I've ever been offered before so what was I to do?  Tell him no?  Ha!  Anyway, let me take this scumfuck in and I'll wait for you on the ship.  You're in the Notmandy right?"

"Yes, Coach Z.  The ship's docked at Dock 348-☎-APZ," Miranda said.

Coach Z pantomimed doffing his cap to Miranda and said, "Much obliged ma'am," then hoisted the maimed Bavarian up by his lederhosen straps and said, "C'mon you scumfuck, you've got a date with destiny."

Sloane watched the man known as Coach Z walk off with his bounty and felt a stone form in the pit of her stomach.  She had a bad feeling about this...all of it.

**Commercial Break**

Throbbing techno reverberated through the club known as Afterlife as Sloane and her companions entered.  The pounding beat reminded her of Tali and her love of killer bass drops.  Sloane felt a single tear slide down her check and thus did Sloane Shepard become the first person in the history of the world to feel an emotion other than annoyed rage or drug-induced euphoria while listening to techno music.  A trio of Bavarian clarinet players standing in the corner spotted this and were like, "Yo, you wanna fight?!"

Sloane turned her gaze on them and drew the biggest gun she had: her Arc Blaster.  "Are you a fucking moron?" she spat angrily, "You want  to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start shooting Arc Blasters at drunk assholes in a night club?"  The drunk Bavarian clarinetist looked down at his feet and muttered something, and Sloane was like, "I didn't think so.  Get to stepping!"

The drunks got to stepping and Sloane and her crew entered the night club.  Unsavory characters and men of women of questionable morality were in abundance dancing, drinking, fucking and snorting shit.  It was far worse than even the grungiest club on the Citadel.  

"Let's go find this Aria and get the hell out of here," Sloane said, "I feel like I'm getting an STD just from walking around in here."  

Kasumi nodded in agreement and Sloane walked across the dance floor and up to a Terrarium leaning up against the wall near a flight of stairs.  The Terrarium was wielding a laser rifle of questionable legality but he gave Sloane the head nod so she was all like, "Yo mang, I was told to come and see Aria by some scumbag at the docks.  You know where she's at?"

"Just up the stairs my mang," the Terrarium said, "Head up right away.  She's been waiting for you and you don't keep Aria waiting if you're smart.  Oh, and go alone.  Your friends can stay here."

"Whatever mang," Sloane said dismissively and headed up the stairs alone.  She had made it up about halfway when some armed goons stepped in and strong armed her.  "What's the big idea?" Sloane shouted as the goons patted her down and scanned her with a sci-fi metal detector.

An Asari in white pleather pants, a hot pink baby doll t-shirt, a white pleather jacket, and Avril Lavigne hand socks stood up from the oversize orgy sofa upon which she sat and said, "You can never be too careful Sloane Shepard.  I thought you, more than anyone, would appreciate that.  My name is Aria S'tark but I assume you know that already.  Sit."

"I don't really care who you are.  I've got business to take care of here and then I'm Audi 5000," Sloane said as she sat down on the orgy sofa.  She hoped the moist spot near her hand was just spilled space booze and not some other sort of fluid.  "The quicker I'm out of this stinking dump of a space station the better."

"If you have business here in Omega, then you have business with me, because Omega is mine," Aria said with a grin.  She was pretty, but it was clear she had seen some shit which gave her an off putting edge.  "So indulge me Sloane Shepard.  What sort of business precisely does a dead Spectre have in Omega?"

"There's a merc here," Sloane began, "Goes by the name of Archangel.  I'm looking for him."

"You and half of Omega," Aria said, "He somehow ran afoul of every single gang operating here: The Blue Suns, The Second Sons, The Krogan Kill Krew.  All of them want him dead.  They've actually united to take him out if you can believe that.  These gangs have been at each others' throats for ages and this one merc comes to town and gets them so flustered that they put aside old feuds to try to take him out...and they fail at it.  He's kicking their asses.  Personally I don't mind it because every dead Second Son or Krogan Kill Krew member means a little less competition for my people but I wouldn't be entirely sorry to see him leave.  The gangs are looking for bodies to throw at Archangel, so if you want to find him without attracting unwanted attention that might be the best way.  They've got a recruiter downstairs."

"Alright cool," Sloane said and then stood to leave.

As she began to walk down the stairs Aria was like, "Watch yourself Sloane Shepard.  Anything that happens here in Omega happens because I let it happen.  People who try to make things happen here that I don't want to have happen don't last very long here on Omega."

"I'll be careful," Sloane said without turning to look at the Asari Gang Matron.

"You'll be dead!"

"Whateves," Sloane replied nonchalantly and headed back down the stairs into the night club.  At once she was assailed by throbbing bass and drums that shook her womb and caused her head to ache.  

She was rejoined by Kasumi and Miranda, the later of whom asked, "So how did it go?"

"She might have been a bigger bitch than even you Miranda," Sloane replied, "but she did tell me all the gangs want this Archangel guy dead and that they were recruiting people to go and fight him.  Aria seemed to think that by joining the gangs we'd have a chance to get to Archangel before they wreck house on him and convince him to come with us."

"That's actually not a terrible idea," Miranda offered, "I mean if we joined the gangs it would make it easier for us to get to Archangel without having to fight through heaps of gangbangers.  I think we should go find that recruiter and offer our services."

And so that is precisely what Sloane, Kasumi and Miranda did.  The three women found the room that the Blue Suns were using to recruit bodies to throw at Archangel and went inside with the intention of signing up and trying to get to Archangel before the gangs did, but as they entered the Bavarian doing the recruiting sneered at them and said, "You got the wrong room sweetie...strippers are auditioning across the way there."

Sloane pulled out her trusty Arc Blaster and said, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours.  Bet mine's bigger though."

The Bavarian paled and muttered, "Why don't you put that thing away before someone gets hurt?  So you're here to fight?  Here's the deal you don't get paid until the jobs done.  You die on the job you're shit out of luck.  You live, you get paid.  It's as simple as that.  The target is this piece of shit do-gooder, that goes by Archangel.  He's got himself bunkered in at a hotel down by the bridge.  He's taken out a lot of our men, which is why we need you."

"Alright that sounds good," Sloane replied.

"Good, oh and you need to bring your own gear, but you three seem pretty set with guns and shit," the Bavarian said, "So when you're ready go over to the car park.  Our man will drive you across town to the hotel where Archangel's hiding out.  When the job's done, come back here for your pay."

As Sloane stood to walk out of the room a youth of perhaps 13 entered, a shitty blaster pistol in his hand.  Sloane past him and the turned and hollered, "What are you 12?  What the fuck are you doing here with a gat?  You're going to shoot your eye out!"

"Fuck you bitch cock shitball douche hag!" the youth screamed, "I was born here on Omega!  I'm hard as fuck!  I know how to use a gat!"

In one swift motion, Sloane grabbed the gun from the youth pointed it at him and then snapped of the laser blast processor rendering the blaster nonoperational.  She handed the useless pistol back to the youth and told him, "You'll thank me later kid," before walking out of the room.  Behind her she could hear the youth screaming vulgarities at her.  She could not wait to get the hell off Omega.

**Commercial Break**

The Blue Suns driver pulled his hover car up to a rundown building and parked. "This is it. The hotel's up that way, just over the bridge," the driver said gruffly as has he turned off the car and got out. He lit a cig and took a drag before saying, "Sgt. Kafka is in charge of the freelancers so go and talk to him. He'll tell you where ya need to go. Other than that, just try not to get shot alright?"

Sloane nodded and thanked the driver before setting off for the gangster camp.

"You know what would be super funny?  If that Asari you were making out with at Hock's party turned out to be in one of these gangs," Kasumi whispered as the trio entered the gangster battle camp.

Sloane laughed, "I wonder how long she actually waited for me in the game room. Maybe she's still there."

Kasumi giggled and Miranda harrumphed in annoyance. "Will you two be serious and pay attention to what's going on? I for one don't want to get shot in the slums of Omega."

"Don't worry Miranda, I got medi-goop," Sloane said, "If you got shot I'd patch you up."

The camps were comprised of three different gangs. There were the Blue Suns who were seemingly running the show. They consisted mainly of Terrariums, Bavarians and Humans and their leader was a d-bag who wouldn't give Sloane the time of day. She'd remember that. The Second Sons were mostly demon aliens and they seemed to be in charge of the tech: battle mechs and gunships and the like. The third gang were the Krogan Kill Krew. As the name hinted they were mainly Krogan but they counted a number of vortas among their ranks. Pure muscle for hire. They'd be straightforward enough to deal with if it came down to that. A pain to go toe to toe with to be certain, but no funny business.

Through this assemblage of murderers, smugglers, drug dealers and muscle for hire Sloane walked, coming at last to a great bridge at the other end of which there rose the ruins of a once grand and luxurious hotel. Hastily assembled barricades had been erected on the bridge from space desks, space crates and space fifty-five gallon drums and all about them were the bodies of men and women torn apart by a high powered sniper rifle. Whoever he was Archangel was a hell of a shot.

Beside the bridge concealed by a crumbling warehouse Sloane saw a gunship. A Bavarian was doing maintenance on it. They had been told this was where they would find Sgt. Kafka so Sloane called out. The Bavarian turned and scowled.

"More freelancers? At least you three look like you know which end of the gun to point at Archangel," the Bavarian said as he put down his electro spanner and lit a cigarette.

"So what's the plan here?" Sloane asked.

"Well, you and the other freelancers will go out on the bridge and try to draw Archangel's fire. We've got a team in there already so you just need to distract Archangel long enough for them to get in position and take him out. If I can get this gunship repaired in time I'll give you freelancers some cover fire."

Sloane's eyes went wide. "You're fixing this thing, leading the freelancers and you've gotta fly this gunship too? Damn Kafka you're working too damn hard. You could use a break."

The poor Bavarian never saw it coming because the second he turned his back, Sloane jammed the electro spanner into his techno suit causing the entire thing to short out and electrocute Sgt. Kafka. He was survived by his pet cockroach.  As Kafka died an anonymous death beneath the shadow of a gunship an alarm suddenly sounded and one of the other freelancers screamed, "AW HELLS YEAH!  IT'S GO TIME!  LET'S DO GANG VIOLENCE!"  Freelancers jumped over the barrier and tore ass over the bridge.  From the second floor of the ruined hotel Sloane saw muzzle flash and a moment later a handful of the freelancers were dead or dying on the bridge.  

"What do you say ladies?" Sloane asked, "Shall we betray these fine fellows who trusted us so implicitly?"

Miranda and Kasumi both answered in the affirmative and all three ladies drew their guns and started mowing down the freelancers who had jumped over the barricades ahead of them.  The stupid idiots who had volunteered for this foolishness were caught in a crossfire and slaughtered completely and mercilessly.

With the freelancers mostly heaps of bleeding meat, Sloane and her friends crossed the bridge unimpeded.  The mysterious Archangel had stopped firing at them.  Sloane hope that it was only because he had seen Sloane, Kasumi and Miranda wreck house on the freelancers and not because he had caught a stray bullet and eaten shit hard.  They made their way into the hotel and glanced around.  The ground floor was riddled with bullet holes and more corpses than Sloane could count easily.  Archangel was not someone to fuck with.

Guns still drawn the three women made their way up to the second floor.  They made their way toward the balcony and there Sloane saw him standing there in battleworn armor and a dinged and dented helm, the Terrarium sniper known only as Archangel.  He turned suddenly, his sniper rifle aimed at Sloane's head for a brief moment before he quickly lowered it and cried out, "Shepard?!"  The Terrarium pulled off the dented helmet, revealing himself to be none other than Garrus, the Terrarium Citadel cop that had accompanied Sloane in her quest to stop Seville all those years ago.

"Jesus Garrus!  Is that really you!?  You don't know how relieved I am to see you!" Sloane exclaimed and ran across the room and threw her arms around the praying mantis alien in a hug.  She had never been overly fond of Garrus before but since the destruction of the Normandy and her forced conscription in Cerberus seeing an acquaintance who didn't immediately want to shun her filled her with joy.

"I thought you were dead!" Garrus replied.

"I kind of was, but it's a long story, I'll tell you all about it when we get out of here," Sloane said, "Is there any way out of here?"

The Terrarium shook his head and replied, "No.  That's the one problem with a heavily defended place like this.  There aren't too many ways out either.  There are some passages down in the basement but those are seal.  The only other way out is the bridge, but there are still a bunch more gangbangers.  I think we need to thin out their ranks a bit before we can make a break for it.  We've got the better position and with the three of you adding your guns to mine I think we stand a pretty good chance of wrecking house on these fools."

"Okay sounds good," Sloane said.  No sooner had she said the words then a wave of Second Sons with heavy mechs appeared.  "Oh fuck!  We're already under attack!  I'm going down there with the Arc Blaster to fuck that mech up one time.  Garrus...Miranda cover me.  Kasumi come with me and space knife anyone who gets past Garrus and Miranda alright?  Let's do this!"

Sloane readied her Arc Blaster and headed down into the courtyard with Kasumi.  The mech was looking pretty legit, but Sloane lowered the Arc Blaster and flipped the switch.  The thing took forever to warm up, but soon it was alive with Arc Power.  "EAT IT!" Sloane shouted as she unleashed a fierce blast of Arc Blast into the battle mech.  The giant robot thing exploded sending heated metal shrapnel in all directions.  Several demon aliens ate molten metal shit and died in the explosion.  The remaining Second Sons saw this and turned to flee.

"Fuck yeah!" Sloane exclaimed, but her joy was short lived for an explosion rocked the building.  It was clear that someone had blown up the sealed tunnels in the basement.  A mess of Krogan Kill Krew berserkers started coming across the bridge.  "Fuck no!" Sloane exclaimed.  They were going to have to fight on two fronts.

"Sloane get down in the basement and try to seal those passages again.  I'll stay here and snipe at the KKK coming over the bridge," Garrus' clacking voice came over the intercom.

"Miranda stay with Garrus," Sloane said and the switching to a private channel told Garrus, "Dude use her as a shield if you need to, I don't really care if she dies, but you're getting out of here alive."

Sloane and Kasumi then made their way down into the basement.  It was already crawling with KKK jerkoffs.  Sloane readied her shotgun and Kasumi took out her uzi and together the two women absolutely slaughtered a bunch of Vortas and Krogans and a handful of mangy space dogs, but still more came.  "Sloane, you gotta close that shutter," Kasumi said, "It looks like there's a control panel next to it.  I'll cover you!"

Sloane used space magic to dash across the basement to the the control panel, tearing through several Krogans in the process.  She pressed the button and slowly, but surly the shutter began to lower, once more preventing the Krogan Kill Krew from entering through the basement.

"The basement's secure," Sloane said, "How's it going up there Garrus?"

With the sounds of gunfire pinging against concrete in the background, Garrus replied, "We could use some help up here."

Kasumi and Sloane double timed it up the stairs back up to the ground level.  The heaps of the dead had grown to obscene proportions.  Sloane readied her shotgun and began adding to it, blasting apart Krogans and Vortas with each resounding scream of "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun.  With Kasumi and Sloane once more contributing to the above ground killing, the Krogan Kill Krew were soon nearly completely annihilated and those who were not dead were escaping back across the bridge as Sloane and Kasumi took potshots at them.

"It looks like we've got a reprieve," Garrus said, "Come back upstairs so we can regroup and restock on ammo.  By my calculations we've just got the Blue Suns left to deal with, so we'll hit 'em hard and heavy and then make our way out of here over the bridge."

Sloane and Kasumi gathered ammo packs from the fallen gangbangers and then headed upstairs to regroup with Garrus and Miranda.  She tossed Garrus a couple ammo chunks and did the same for Miranda.  There was barely a moments rest to reload guns before Blue Sun gangsters came screaming over the bridge.  Bullets were flying like gnats if gnats caused massive tissue damage when they touched you.  It was not looking good, but the four pack of heroes kept cool under pressure and took out the Blue Sun gunmen in a calm and orderly fashion, but just when it looked like the tide had turned in their favor something unthinkable happened: a gunship swooped down and in what historians would later declare to be a "total dick move," blasted Garrus right in the face.

The Terrarium dropped like a sack of shit, but before his body had even hit the floor, Sloane had thrown down her shotgun, drawn the Arc Blaster and launched a blast of Arc directly at the gunship.  The way in which it exploded lead Sloane to believe that ol' Sgt. Kafka never got around to repairing the shields.  It exploded real good, but there was not victory fanfare or screams of "AW YE YE!" Garrus was down and quite possibly done.

"Joker I need an evac now!" Sloane screamed into her headset, "We've got wounded down here!  Sending coordinates..."

* * *

Sloane sat in the conference room on tenterhooks.  Garrus had been in bad shape when they brought him back to the Notmandy hours ago.  Doctor Chocolate was good, but Sloane wasn't certain she was that good, though truth be told she had more or less brought Sloane, Ashley and Tali back from the dead after a particularly disastrous space car episode.  Maybe she should be more trusting of the good Doctor's abilities as a healer.

The door suddenly hissed opened and Sloane looked up only to be disappointed to see Miranda standing there.  "Oh, it's just you," Sloane said not even trying to mask her disappointed.

"Don't sound so glum," Miranda said, "Your friend's going to make it.  There will be some scarring but he'll live.  I'm sure if he acts nicely to people those scars will clear up in no time, just like yours did, so when it it comes down to it in a couple months no one will even know he took a missile to the face."

"What do you want Miranda?  You don't care about me or Garrus," Sloane replied.

"Well, since we're already here in Omega, I thought maybe we could go look for Doctor Solas Morton," Miranda said, "The Illusive Smoking Man is getting on my case about it.  I know that this is your mission and you're the boss and all, but I'm the one he yells at when it looks like we aren't making enough progress.  I don't know why, but he really wants us to get the Doctor to join us."

Sloane looked down.  "Garrus is really going to be alright?" Sloane asked.

"Yes, more or less.  Like I said, there will be some scarring and possibly some hearing loss in one year, but that's easy enough to take care of with an aural implant."

"Okay.  We'll go look for this doctor in the morning," Sloane said.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously...and thanks for everything today, Miranda," Sloane said.

Miranda looked perplexed and asked, "Are you just doing that fake nice thing to me so you won't be scarred up anymore again?"

Sloane smiled.  "Do you really want to know?"

"No, it's probably better if I don't.  It's been a long day, I'm going to turn in for the night.  Goodnight Shepard."

"Goodnight Miranda."

Sloane watched the Australian woman turn and walk back out of the conference room.  Why couldn't it have been Miranda who caught that missile with her teeth instead of Garrus?  There was no use dwelling on the past and after a moment Sloane smiled.  There would be many more chances to put Miranda Australian in harm's way and sooner or later a missile would mess up that perfect face of hers and when it did Sloane would watch and laugh.  She just hoped her own facial scars were healed by that point because she didn't want to have to pretend to be nice to Miranda if and when he face finally got blown up by a gunship missile.

 


	26. Mass Effect - S02E06 - Rage In The Plague Age

The plague doctor's mask was ill fitting and the heavy, black smock oppressively hot. Humans were apparently immune to the plague that had swept through the ghetto of Omega, but when Doctor Chocolate had heard that Sloane planned to enter the so-called hot zone to seek out Doctor Solas Morton she had been insistent that Sloane and her companions at least wear the plague doctor suits as a precaution.  Sloane felt uncomfortable and probably looked like an asshole.  As she and her crew made their way through the nearly deserted streets of the Omega ghetto she found herself wondering why none of the agents the Illusive Smoking Man had recommended could have been waiting at the docks with all their gear ready, no strings attached.

_Sloane, Kasumi & Coach Z in the ghetto_

"There's someone moving over there," Kasumi said, her voice muffled by the ridiculous avian looking rebreather, "They might know where we can find the Doctor."

Together with Coach Z the two women approached a Bavarian who had collapsed up against the side of a bodega. He was alive but his breathing was ragged. It didn't seem to Sloane that he was long for this world.

"Hey buddy are you alright?" she asked nonetheless.

"Lousy human! Get away from me!" the Bavarian hissed before his body convulsed in a fit of coughing. "You and your kind give us this plague and then come in and loot our homes when we're too weak to stop you. You can all fuck off and die for all I care."

The Bavarian's body spasmed again in a fit of coughing. He was in a bad way. Sloane saw an opportunity to minimize her facial scarring via good works.

"Look guy I've got a dose of medi-goop here with your name on it. It won't cure whatever this is, but it should at least help relieve some of the symptoms," Sloane said.

"Why would you do this for me? I'm a Bavarian and you're human?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," Sloane said, "Here, this might sting a little bit you'll feel better in a second." She slathered the medi-goop on the Bavarian and almost instantly his breathing became less shallow and ragged.

"Thank you Human," the Bavarian said, "I wish there was some way I could repay your kindness."

"I'm looking for a Doctor Morton. Do you know where he is?" Sloane asked.

"The demon alien? He has a clinic on the other side of the ghetto. Out that way," the Bavarian said, pointing vaguely toward the east, "People say he's working on a cure to this plague but even now I'm too weak to make it there."

"When we get there we'll tell them that you're here and get them to send people for you," Sloane said.

"Thank you Human," the Bavarian said, "Perhaps I have been wrong about your kind all these years."

Sloane told the Bavarian to hold on a while longer and then she and her companions set off in the direction the Bavarian had pointed out. Beneath her plague doctor's mask Sloane could feel her scars knit together. She'd be back to normal soon enough and then she could drop this "decent person" act and get back to the business of telling people who were rude to her to fuck off.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane and her posse were coming under heavy fire. The Blue Suns and the Vorta had used the plague as an opportunity to increase the size of their territory in the ghetto and more often than not it ended up with Sloane, Coach Z and Kasumi shooting guns at assholes who wanted them dead more or less for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  She didn't give half a fuck about gunning down any of those fools though. She was still sore at the Blue Suns for shooting Garrus in the face with a gunship rocket and the Vorta? They just looked and sounded disgusting so she really didn't feel too bad about putting them on blast.

As they moved deeper and deeper into the ghetto the Blue Suns became less and less prevalent while the number of vorta increased exponentially.  As vorta armed with flamethrowers and crude murder knives tried to burn Sloane and her friends alive and slit their throats (not necessarily in that order) she found herself longing for Blue Sun gangbangers.  The Blue Suns at least fought a proper gun fight.  The vorta fucked around with fire and it was horrible.

Crouched behind a space crate, Coach Z took off his oversized, broad-brimmed plague doctor hat and used it to smother the flames that licked at the hem of his smock.  "Oi...this is fackin' bullshit this fire garbage," Coach Z said as he reloaded his assault rifle.  He popped up from behind the crate yelled, "Mutherfacker!" and unleashed a barrage of machine gun fire that tore apart the vorta firebug that had lit his smock ablaze.  "These fackers are almost as bad as the Hanar that nearly choked me to death that one time."

It was slow going, the journey to Doctor Morton's clinic, with each step being a battle against an unrelenting horde of vorta knife stabbers and flamerfucklers.  Sloane and her crew were good, but killing flamefucklers is slow business and by the time they arrived at Morton's clinic hours later, they were spent both physically and emotionally.

The inside of the clinic was cramped with sick Terrariums and Bavarians as well as human refugees attempting to escape the gang warfare that was being waged in the streets between the Blue Suns and vorta knife stabbers.  Sloane wondered how all these people were remaining so calm because in her experience the second more than two or three citizens assembled someone was going to pull a gun and a body or possibly bodies were going to get hauled off, but the men and women in the waiting room of the clinic were more or less calm and quite.  Sloane soon realized the reason way: several military grade battle mechs armed with high powered assault rifles were milling about the waiting room.

Sloane made her way over the the receptionist and rang the bell.  An overworked woman in a dingy nurse's uniform looked up and said, "Take a seat over there."

"I'm not here to get treated," Sloane said, "I've got business with Doctor Morton.  He's expecting me...well, maybe not me specifically but someone from my organization."

The nurse scowled and said, "He's in the operating room in the back.  Be quick about it though!  He's a very busy man."

"Okay," Sloane said and then headed down the hallway toward the operating room.  She passed aliens of all species huddled together on the floor of the hallway waiting to see the Doctor and hoping for a miracle.

In the operating room there stood a demon alien.  He looked pretty haggard and not just because he probably hadn't slept for several days.  His demon horns were all crumpled and his face was the weathered visage of an old veteran.  He'd seen some shit.  Probably been in the shit too.

"500cc.  Results negative.  Further studies required," the demon alien muttered into a personal recorder.  He looked up and noticed Sloane and her companions.  "New faces.  Not patients?  No.  Not patients.  Plague doctors accouterments.  Doctors then?  No.  Too heavily armed.  Not doctors.  Soldiers?"

"Doctor Morton, my name is Sloane Shepard," Sloane said as she removed the broad-brimmed hat and avian rebreather of her plague doctor costume, "I was told by a mutual accquaitance that you would be expecting me."

"Ah Shepard.  Yes.  Illusive Man.  Smoking Man.  Was waiting for you. Collectors.  Then outbreak.  Then plague.  Now?  Too busy.  Yes, too busy by far.  Many apologies.  Cannot leave now.  Not during plague.  Hope Illusive Man understand.  Hope Smoking Man understands," Doctor Morton rambled, "New theory.  Collector caused plague.  Theory sound.  Need evidence to confirm..."

Miranda would not be pleased if she returned without the Doctor, though Sloane wasn't sure why.  It was clear to her that the doctor was more than a little insane.  She sighed and asked him, "Do you think you'll be able to cure it?"

Morton blinked dumbly and said, "Cure?  Yes.  Antidote synthesized already.  Need to administer it to entire ghetto.  Dispense through air vents.  Best way.  Cannot go.  Must stay with patients here.  Many sick in clinic.  Need my help..."

"Alright Morton," Sloane said, "You have an idea of how to get the cure into the air vents?"

"Very simple.  Yes.  Insert in life support system.  Yes.  Spread the cure through the ghetto.  Easy.  Peasy."

"What if we were to get the cure into the life support systems?  You could stay here and take care of the patients.  Oh!  That reminds me, there was a Bavarian near the entrance to the ghetto.  He was in a bad way but helped me get here to you.  You think you could send people to check on him?"

"Of course.  Send someone with cure soon.  Stay here with patients.  Shepard and friends go to life support system.  Plan is good.  Dangerous to go alone.  Take this," Morton said.  He pulled a rather bulky looking pistol and handed it to Sloane.

Coach Z nodded approvingly.  "That's a nice little piece there Shepard.  A real mutherfacker in the hands of a space wizard like you," the bounty hunter said as he eyed the gun, "You just charge in with space magic, pull that mutherfacker and _POP! POP! POP!_  Mutherfackers won't know what hit 'em!"

Sloane holstered the chunky space pistol in her belt and put her rebreather and broad-brimmed plague doctor's hat back on.  "C'mon dudes, we've got a cure to distribute!"

 **Commercial Break**  

Sloane and company were fighting it out en route to the life support system control center.  Mad vortas were all up in their area.  The vortas had rumble knives, flamethrowers, ballistas, boards with nails in them, barbed wire bats, Jawa junk blasters, and nunchucks.  To say killing the vorta was a challenge would be an understatement.  They each, to a vorta, fought like their lives depended on it and in a way they did because if they failed they were totally going to get their shit ruined by Sloane, Kasumi, and Coach Z.  The halls were alive with the sound of uzi fire and the crew of the Notmandy pressed forward wrecking house on vorta nunchuck fucklers and knife stabbers alike.

"Kasumi how much further to the life support system control center?" Sloane asked as she punched a vorta in the face and the shot the prone body with her shotgun, "BOOYAH!"

"Uh...looks like another 200 meters," Kasumi replied before fading from sight only to reappear on the opposite side of the room to knife a ballista operator in the face.  The last of the vorta fell to the ground grasping at this face as he bled out.

As the sounds of gunfire fade, Sloane noticed something queer: the ever present hum of the ghetto had gone silent.  "Why is is it suddenly so quiet?" she asked, "It's not just me is it?  It was humming in here before right?"

Kasumi and Coach Z nodded.  Suddenly Shepard's intercom clicked to life, "Shepard, EDI here," the ship's piece of shit AI said over the intercom, "My scanners are detecting that someone has turned off the ghetto's life support systems.   Without restarting the system, the ghetto will run out of air in 30 minutes."

"Fan-fucking-tastic," Sloane muttered, "Well, at least we're nearly to the command center.  I doubt anything else could possibly go wrong today anyway..."

As if to say, "Yes, Sloane Shepard, more could possibly go wrong tpday," a rocket streaked past Sloane's head and exploded a pile of space crates nearby.  Sloane bellowed the F-word (fuck) and dove for cover behind some space 55 gallon drums.  She peered around the side and let out a rapid blast of uzi fire at the the rocket launcher wielding vorta who had taken up defensive positions near the entrance to the command center.  Sloane realized that those fuckers had shut off the life support systems, but wondered how.  Vorta were not known for their intellect and in battle often relied on numbers more than actual tactics or planning.

"Coach Z, you've fought a lot of vorta before," Sloane said to the aging bount hunter as they were pinned down behind a box, "Have you ever see vorta take up defensive positions like this before?"

"Nah, the blimey mutherfackers usually just rush ya like Zerg and then hit you in the junk with nunchucks and crowbars and shit," Coach Z replied as he loaded a concussive grenade into his assault rifle and fired it into a nest of vorta rocketeers.

The rocketeers got knocked the fuck out allowing Sloane and the others to make their way into the commander center proper.  Again, the place was replete with vortas, only this time before they attacked one of them decided to do a plot dump on her in a wheezy voice.  The wheezy vorta declared, "Collectors give vorta plague.  Promise to make vorta strong!  No more laughing at vorta!"

"That's enough plot dump for me!" Sloane shouted, "You're working for the Collectors?  Time to die!"  In a flash her uzi was out and the plot dumping vorta was a bullet riddled corpse in the center of the room.  Coach Z and Kasumi and been similarly quick on the draw so to speak and all the vortas were dead before a single vorta shot had been fired.

The intercom in Sloane's ear came to life.  "Yo Shepard, EDI here again.  There's a manual restart button on the central computer at the far end of the room.  You'll need to press that and then go push start the two turbines on either side of the room."

Sloane sighed, "You want to get in on that Coach Z?"

"Fack no...I'm just here to shoot big guns and leer at you two birds," Coach Z said, "and before ya ask I don't have a favorite...she's got the ass but you've got the tits Shepard."

"That's sweet of you to say Coach Z," Kasumi said, "But I'm pretty sure she's got the better ass."

"Sure if you go in for big, bulbous, round things!  I'm a man of refined tastes.  I prefer a more sophisticated and refined bum!" Coach Z said.

Sloane sighed and walked up to the central computer in rebooted it and then placed the cure for the plague into the air freshener slot.  Once she restarted the fans the cure would be blown throughout the ghetto, hopefully curing all who lived there.  With that taken care of, Sloane made her way to the first turbine, only to find it crawling with more vortas.

"Uh guys...little help down here," she said into the com as she battled vorta knife stabbers and flame fucklers.  Her shotgun screamed, "BOOYAH!" repeatedly and furiously as she fought her way down to the turbine.  More vortas jumped out from behind computers and shit.  Sloane was caught up in the crossfire!

Sloane was certain she was going to die, but then from behind the vorta who had caught her in a pincer attack came Kasumi and Coach Z and now it was the vorta who were caught in the crossfire!  The vorta got their shit ruined promptly by the duo of Kasumi and Coach Z.

With that taken care of the trio made their way across the room to the other turbine.  More goddamn vortas.  More gun violence.  More crossfire. More never before has a boy want more.  More Oliver.  More thinking about how the Collectors were connected to this.  More restarting turbines.  More distribution of the antidote.  More saving the day.  More back tracking back to Morton's clinic.  More!  More!  More!

Back in Doctor Morton's clinic Sloane met with the good doctor.  "Yo Doc we put that remedy into the central computer.  It should be pumping through the vents as we speak," Sloane said, "So are you ready to join up with us on this great adventure to see what the Collectors are up to?"

"Yes.  Definitely.  Collectors.  Cannot wait to research.  Discoveries to be made.  Very exciting."

Very exciting indeed.


	27. Mass Effect - S02E07 - Jack Attack

Stars swirled and galaxies burst and bloomed behind him as the Illusive Smoking Man sat in his marvelous leather executive's throne and smoked purposefully.  A holographic image of Miranda Australian flickered before him.  She looked pleased with herself.  Damn was she sexy when she was self-satisfied.  The Illusive Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette and smiled.

"So Morton's aboard the Notmandy now?  Good work with that," the Illusive Smoking Man said exhaling purposefully, "I want you to talk with Morton.  Let him know what we need him to do.  Provide him with whatever materials he needs.  If there's something you can't get yourself, let me know.  I'll have one of the other agents procure it.  I think Shepard will probably drag her heels if we try to get her to talk to Morton, she's proving a little more stubborn than I would have anticipated.  I thought that C-Sec officer would have made things a little bit less confrontational with her."

"Well to be fair, he was in the medical bay until this morning, recovering from his injuries," Miranda replied, "To my knowledge the two have not had many opportunities to speak with one another yet.  I'm still somewhat optimistic."

"Good.  From your report it looks like using Miss Chambers to motivate Miss Shepard was the right call," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "but it will be good if we can use the Terrarium to feed Shepard info too.  If you use Miss Chambers for that too often Shepard will wise up and stop trusting her."

"I understand sir," Miranda replied, "Will there be anything else?"

The Illusive Smoking Man stubbed out his cigarette and took another from his diamond encrusted gold plated cigarette case, put it to his lips and lit it.  He glanced appreciatively at Miranda's well constructed frame and inhaled deeply.  "Yes, there's one more thing.  It's another pick up.  A prisoner we're buying off a for profit prison frigate.  I'm sending the data-pak to your Power Glove now."  Miranda's Power Glove beeped and she glanced down at it giving the Illusive Smoking Man a stunning view of her cleavage.

Miranda looked up from her Power Glove, a look of confusion etched upon her face.  "Sir...I don't understand.  This prisoner was one of ours?"

"Before your time," the Illusive Smoking Man said.

"Are you sure this is the sort of person you want to bring on to this mission?  Their list of crimes alone makes them a bigger liability to this mission than even Shepard," Miranda continued, "You do know that they're going to realize this is a Cerberus mission the second they see the ship or anyone's uniform.  They're more likely to try to kill us than they are to help us."

The Illusive Smoking Man smiled.  "Shepard will talk them into it.  Shepard's been pretty insistent about her hatred for Cerberus and her refusal to admit that this is a Cerberus mission.  Let's see how convincing she can be when she meets Jack."

* * *

Sloane Shepard sat in the mess hall eating alone.  The Cerberus crew members seated at the other table glared at her over their waffles and hash browns with suspicion.  She had not exactly endeared herself to them since she became Commander of the Notmandy.  She usually tried to eat with Kasumi or Doctor Chocolate, but neither of them were anywhere to be seen that morning.  She stared down at her French toast and felt miserable.  Cerberus had cost her so much and given her so little in return.

"Commander is this seat taken?" a women's voice asked.

Sloane did not even bother to look up.  "No, go ahead," she said as she pushed the food around on her plate with the fork waiting for the woman to drag the chair away to another table, but the sound never came.  Sloane looked up to find Kelly Chambers seated across from her.

"Are you alright Shepard?" the redheaded yeoman asked, "You seem kind of down."

"It's weird Kelly.  I lost most of my friends when they thought I died, or when they found out I was working with Cerberus.  Most of the time it doesn't really bother me.  I mean I'm too busy to even really think about it, but when I have down time I just feel lonely is all.  I thought maybe it would have been better after Garrus came back but he's always calibrating the weapons," Sloane said with a sigh.  She bit her lip in an effort to keep from crying.

Kelly place her hand atop Sloane's and said, "Sloane, you're not alone.  Some of us are here for you regardless of where your life has taken you or what choices you've made."

Sloane wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and smiled. "Kelly why are you so nice to me?"

"Do you really need to ask that Shepard?  It obvious to everyone on the entire ship: she want you to do things to her or maybe to do things to you.  I'm not really sure how it works for your sort to be completely honest."  

Sloane turned and looked up to see the buxom Australian, Miranda standing next to her.

Sloane scowled at her and spat, "The fuck do you want Miranda?"

"Not what Yeoman Chambers wants that's for sure," Miranda replied with smug grin, "I just got off the phone with the Illusive Smoking Man. He wanted me to commend you for the way you dealt with the plague in Omega. He's glad that Doctor Solas Morton is a part of the team now."

"Whatever," Sloane said dismissively. She could barely tolerate the demon alien lurking about in the laboratory. She found his morality to be questionable at best and she was more than a little put off by how quickly he'd agreed to join up with Cerberus. "What do you really want Miranda?" Sloane asked, her words venom. Her skin was not going to like this negativity but Sloane didn't care.

"The Illusive Smoking Man found someone else he'd like you to pick up. A bionic...one of the strongest in the galaxy apparently," Miranda said.

"Asari?"

"No, human."

"I'll think about it," Sloane replied, "Give me the info on this so-called strongest bionic in the galaxy."

"I've already sent it to you," Miranda replied, "I won't keep you two from your girls boarding school flirting any longer then. Shepard if you need me, you know where to find me." Miranda then turned and swayed off toward her office.

"Bitch," Sloane muttered under her breath as soon as Miranda was out of earshot.

Kelly smirked. "You shouldn't let her get to you like that. She's jealous of you, you know. She's supposed to be perfect right? Perfect genetics. Best schooling. Best hair. Perfect scores on all the Cerberus aptitude tests. Nicest clothes. No one respects her though. No one follows her because they want to. You have that though Shepard and she envies you because of it. People outside of your command followed you into almost certain doom because they believed in you. You talked a Krogan into helping you destroy a facility that was working to undo the genophage. That's the sort of trust people place in you."

"Maybe," Sloane said as she pulled up her email and opened the file Miranda had sent.

"Don't sell yourself short Sloane," Kelly said, "You're a natural leader."

"That can't be right..."

"No, it really is. You are very charismatic," Kelly continued.

"No, not that. This," Sloane said waving her Power Glove, "The Illusive Smoking Man apparently wants me to pick up a prisoner that they've paid for. Is that a thing you can do? It doesn't seem entirely legal does it?"

The petite yeoman sipped her coffee and shook her head. "Such practices are something of a grey area, legally speaking. The conditions on private prison frigates of this sort are often worse than those on slaver ships. The prisoners without skills that make them desirable commodities are often beaten or left without food."

"What do you think I should do?" Sloane asked.

Kelly's eyes went wide. "You're asking me for advice? I...I'm honored," she said, "If I were you I'd go to the prison frigate and collect the prisoner as I was asked. Conditions here on the Notmandy are far more humane than any prison frigate could ever hope to be. Do those records say what crimes this criminal was convicted of?"

Sloane glanced down at her Power Glove and scanned the prisoner release form she had been given. "No, it just mentions that they are a bionic lacking proper training and control of their powers, but doesn't say what they were convicted of."

"Manslaughter most likely," Kelly suggested, "My cousin is a bionic and when his powers were first manifesting he accidental stopped someone's heart. He was still a minor so he spent some time in a juvenile offenders facility. It's pretty common among bionics actually. You're actually pretty lucky that nothing like that happened to you when your powers emerged, Sloane."

Sloane thought back to her teen years, before she joined the Alliance. They weren't a time she was proud of and "lucky" was hardly the word she'd use to describe them.  She'd fallen in with a bad crowd, a gang known as the Cincinnati Reds, and been involved with muggings and shakedowns.  She hadn't killed anyone with her powers accidentally or otherwise, they'd never been strong enough for that, but she had intentionally used them to hurt the people she was robbing.

"You're right I was incredibly lucky.  I never really thought about it that way before. That could have just as easily been me in there if my powers had been any stronger than they are," Sloane said and then she got on the horn and hailed Joker, "Joker, I want you to set a course for the Frigate Purgatory. I'm patching its coordinates to you now."

Joker's weary voice acknowledged what she said with a grunt followed by "'k Commander," before the intercom clicked off.

Kelly stood a moment later. "You're not going anywhere yet are you? Could you watch my food? I need to use the toilet."

"Sure."

Kelly thanked her and walked from the mess hall out to the women's room and passed through the door and looked under the stalls doors. Empty. She waited. A moment later the door hissed open and Miranda Australian entered.

"Well, Yeoman Chambers how did it go?" Miranda asked.

"She said she'd go but I don't like lying to her," Kelly said.

Miranda smirked and then let out a laugh, "Oh this is fantastic. None of that from before was an act then was it? You've actually fallen in love with her haven't you? The Illusive Smoking Man is going to be thrilled to hear that."

"My feelings for Commander Shepard won't affect my ability to do my job Miranda. I got her to pick up Doctor Morton and I convinced her to go buy this prisoner. I'm loyal to Cerberus," Kelly said with her hands on her hips.

"For now you're loyal to Cerberus, Kelly.  Let's hope for your sake it stays that way."

* * *

The Notmandy began docking procedures with the prison frigate, Purgatory while Sloane, Garrus and Kasumi waited to board down in the airlock.  Sloane was glad to see Garrus up and about and not "calibrating weapons," for once since he got shot in the face with a goddamn rocket.

"How's my face look Shepard?  Honestly.  I can't bring myself to look in a mirror," the Terrarium said as he did a final check on his sniper rifle.

"Garrus, you're as ugly today as you were the day I first met you," Sloane replied cheerfully.

Garrus' mandibles approximated a smile and he thanked her.  "You really know just what to say to a fella to cheer him up Sloane," the Terrarium said as the airlock hissed open.  He pointed toward the door and said, "Well, let's not keep our new friend deprived of their liberty a moment longer."

The trio of space adventurers walked through the portal onto the prison ship.  Almost as soon as they had boarded the vessel guns were pointed at them and a guard was shouting at them to put their guns down before they took another step forward.  Sloane looked at the guard and noticed his uniform was not entirely different from the uniforms that the Blue Sun gangbangers had worn back on Omega.

Sloane's hand went to her uzi, "The fuck is this bullshit?  Blue Suns?!"

Garrus' eyeholes burned with a fury at the mention of "Blue Suns," and Sloane noticed him tighten his grip on his sniper rifle.  Kasumi seemed altogether nonplussed by the entire thing, leaning in to whisper to Sloane, "One of the girls in engineering thinks she's pregnant...who do you think the dad is?"

"Word?  Which girl?" Sloane asked.

As she and Kasumi speculated over the identity of Petty Officer Loralai Gilmore's baby's father the prison guards continued to shout for the three space adventurers to drop their weapons.  After awhile a large, overbearing Terrarium, also clad in the uniform of a Blue Sun asshole appeared.

"Ah Commander Shepard.  Welcome to the Purgatory!  I'm Warden Douchechunk and we are just finishing up processing Jack for release.  We have some paperwork to attend to, so if you'll just leave your guns here and come with me we can take care of that paperwork while we wait for Jack to thaw out and Cerberus' credit transfer to clear," the Blue Sun gangster cum prisoner warden said.

"No dice dude," Sloane said, "My gun stays with me."

"Okay the pistols are fine, but you could at least leave the Arc Blaster you've got strapped to your back on your ship couldn't you?" the Terrarium warden clacked.

Sloane scoffed.  "Dude are you fucking insane?  I see your uniforms.  I trust you fuckers about as far as I could throw you, which even with my bionic powers, isn't very far.  What if this is a setup and you deploy mechs at me?  What am I going to do, shoot it with a pistol?  Get outta town on a bus!  The Arc Blaster goes in, or I don't go in."

The Terrarium warden looked annoyed.  "Fine, keep your damn guns.  If we can't control three nobody space adventurers with light arms, and a goddamn Arc Blaster, we have no business housing 40,000 of the galaxy's most dangerous criminals," he clicked curtly, and then to his guards said, "Let them in with their guns."

The guards stepped aside and let Sloane pass.  She had a bad feeling about this entire thing.  It seemed like such a trap.  Her only question was how much had Cerberus known?  They'd gone through a lot of trouble to bring her back to life and had chosen to ignore her grossly inappropriate behavior towards Black-Kaidan and Yeoman Chambers rather than dismiss her, so it seemed unlikely that they would have arranged to have her killed on some random prison ship.  That meant that this was this just a rather unfortunate bit of happenstance that put her directly into contact with members of the gang she had just wrecked house on back on Omega.

"Be on your toes," she whispered to Kasumi and Garrus as they made their way from the docks into the prison proper, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Warden Douchechunk turned and faced them.  A sinister smirk appeared upon his mandibles and he said, "I need to go make sure Jack is coming out of cryofreeze without any trouble.  If you proceed down that hall to out-processing one of the officers will help you with the paperwork and I will be along shortly."  Douchechunk then walked off in the opposite direction from the out-processing office.

"Yeah this is totally a trap," Kasumi said, "Like more of a trap than even Donovan Hock's Vault Now With 100% More Traps was a trap."

"I agree," Garrus said, "This place is crawling with Blue Suns.  At the very least there's going to be a gun fight."

"Alright then, we all agree it's a trap, so let's go spring it and make it blow up in these fuckers' faces," Sloane said, "C'mon."

The three amigos started down the hall towards the out-processing offices passing guards wailing on prisoners for no goddamn reason.  Sloane called them out on their shit and very nearly got in a gun fight right then and there, but the guard in question just had a beatdown stick and Sloane had a goddamn Arc Blaster so the piece of shit guard thought better of trying his luck with her and instead stopped beating the prisoner.  Before he fucked off down the hall as per Sloane's suggestion, he pointed out the out-processing room at the end of the hallway.

Sloane and company stepped to the office.  No sooner had the door closed behind them a siren blared, a klaxon screamed, and Warden Douchechunk's voice came over the intercom, "LOCKDOWN!  ALL PERSONNEL I WANT YOU TO CAPTURE SLOANE SHEPARD!"

"Lamest trap ever," Sloane said as she shot a desk clerk fumbling with his pistol squarely in the head.  He was one day away from retirement as evident by the cards and cake on his desk.  "We better take cover behind these desks," Sloane said as she knocked the clerk's desk over sending a cascade of cake and retirement cards crashing to the floor, "There's going to be a goddamn avalanche of Blue Suns coming through these doors in a second."

Sure enough a goddamn avalanche of Blue Suns came rushing in only to get the fuck blasted out of them the second they entered the room.  Sloane stood victorious over the smoking corpses of dead prison guards.  "C'mon let's go find that fucker Douchechunk," she said as she started off toward the Super Max wing.

* * *

 _KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_  

A terrible explosion tore through the Purgatory as Sloane and her friends made their way into the Super Max wing.  Sloane looked down through an oversized window to the cells below to see a tattooed human with a shaved head tear apart a mech with a blast of bionic space magic before ripping a wall apart and escaping.  A moment later more klaxons wailed and someone came on the PA system to shout, "JACK'S GOTTEN LOOSE!  I REPEAT JACK'S GOTTEN....AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"  Another explosion shook the ship and the transmission cut off.

"If that's Jack we should try and help them," Sloane said.

"Help them?" Kasumi asked, "Did you see what they did to that mech?  I don't think they really need our help, but if you want to try to talk them into coming with us, I think it will be pretty easy to follow them.  Just look for the path of death and destruction."

There was just one problem: how do get down into the cells.  Luckily Sloane was accompanied by an accomplished master thief.  Kasumi was able to hack into the system easily and open the doors to Jack's cell.  The only downside being that she opened all the cells.  In the halls Sloane could hear prisoners screaming, "AW FUCK YEAH THE DOORS ARE OPEN!  LET'S GO SWIMMING IN THE LAKE AND THROW TURTLES WHILE RESOLVING OLD HURTS AND EMBARKING ON NEW ADORABLY TWEE PRISON-RELATED LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS!" and "WILL THIS BRING ABOUT THE END OF MY UNDERWEAR SMUGGLING BUSINESS?!"  It sounded like a goddamn nightmare.

Three adventurers, two human women and a Terrarium, made their way through the portal of burnt, twisted metal that the prisoner had created with a powerful blast of space magic into a corridor.  The followed the wreckage of exploded terminals and mangled corpses through the Super Max wing.  As they traversed the wreckage they were occasionally assailed by Blue Sun guards and/or other prisoners trying to rough them up for some reason.  The Blue Sun assholes she could kind of understand, they were still technically trying to capture her to sell into slavery, but the prisoners should have been fucking stoked that she'd let them all out of their cells, but they tried to hit her with pieces of chairs and shivs and shit (literal shit, not figurative).

At long last they came upon a great chamber awash with flames and a great piece of machinery known as The Machine.  The Machine hummed as electro-shieldmatic energy pulsed out from it like beams of sunlight on a kindergarten student's crayon drawing of the sun.  The electro-shieldmatic energy surrounded the Terrarium Warden Douchechunk who stood up on balcony overlooking the room, his sniper rifle aimed towards the door.  "Shepard!  You have ruined everything here and I will not let you get away with it!" he shouted impotently as Sloane dove for cover behind a space crate and aimed at The Machine with her shotgun.

"BOOYAH!" the blast from the shotgun ruined one of The Machine's terminals, but it was still operational.

"You would have made me a fortune!" the asshole warden shouted, "But you're a lost cause.  Better to kill you here and the recapture Jack.  Jack will still earn me a pretty penny."  The Terrarium aimed his sniper rifle and pulled the trigger, but Sloane rolled out of the way, stood and quickly fired two shots from her shotgun.

"BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" the bullets tore through The Machine, causing the electro-shieldmatic energy that had been surrounding the fucking douchelord supreme, Warden Douchechunk, to dissipate.  He did not seem to notice, choosing to continuing monologing rather than taking cover behind a space crate.  "When I heard the Sloane Shepard was coming aboard my vessel I was beside myself.  A former Spectre.  The hero of the Battle of the Citadel.  An allegedly well formed human female with a comely face...I had buyers fighting over who would have the privilege of purchasing you, but now....Ugggggggg...."

The bullet entered his head between the eyes and caused the back of his head to explode, painting the wall of the cargo hold with his brains.  Sloane holstered her gun and turned to her companions.  "That guy talked way too much.  C'mon if we hurry we still might be able to catch Jack."

They continued to follow the trail of wreckage finally catching up with Jack in the docks.  "Jack!" Sloane called out.  Jack stopped running, turned and shocked the shit out of Sloane.  "Holy fuck...tits?  You're a woman?" Sloane asked as she stared hard at Jack's perky tattooed teats prominently displayed by some weird tit harness thing that seemed more decorative than functional to Sloane.

"Yeah I'm a woman what the fuck of it?"

"I dunno, I just assumed you to be an old white dude or a little British kid with a name like Jack," Sloane said.

"Well you're not a guard and you're not shooting at me so, I'm going to give you like five seconds to tell me what you want before I blast you apart and steal a shuttle," Jack said.

"Okay.  I got sent here to pick you up.  They were paying for you, but I had nothing to do with that.  Honestly the only reason I agreed to it was because I heard how shitty things were on these prison ships and felt sympathy for you.  I'm a bionic too and when I was young I was selling X and mugging people and shit, so I was like 'Aw shit, I could have been in Jack's situation if I had worse luck.'"

"No, you couldn't have," Jack said, "You got a ship then?"

"Yeah it's right out there," Sloane said and pointed to the Notmandy.

Jack glanced out the bay window and shouted, "WHAT?!  YOU'RE FUCKIN' CERBERUS?!  I SHOULD WASTE YOU RIGHT HERE!"

"No!  No!  Wait!  I hate those fucks," Sloane shouted, "Listen it's a long story.  The Cliff Notes version is my name is Sloane Shepard and I was dead.  Cerberus brought me back to life and gave me a ship even though I told them to fuck off.  They want me to save the galaxy and that's why I'm here for you.  I need your help Jack.  I saw what you did in there.  That's the kind of bionic power I could only ever dream of having.  I mean I could maybe knock a grown man on his ass or crack someone's shinbone, but you?  You can rip a goddamn frigate apart from the inside."

"So you work for Cerberus but don't?"

"Something like that."

"They give you access to their databases but you don't care about keeping any of their secrets?"

"Mostly I just use their networks to illegally download movies, but yeah I think I can access their databases."

"Okay Sloane Shepard, I'll join you on one condition: you need to give me access to whatever Cerberus databases you can pull up," Jack said.

"Done, but if you find anything particularly juicy you let me know, because the second I save the galaxy from Collectors, every fuck in a Cerberus uniform is going to die."

"Deal," Jack said with a wicked grin upon her face.  She extended her hand and Sloane, a similarly queer smirk upon her face, took it in her own and the two women shook.


	28. Mass Effect - S02E08 - Rock Krogan

Miranda was furious with Shepard.  With her arms folded under her ample bosoms she shouted, "You let a convicted felon six dozen times over have access to all our databases!  Are you mental?  Who knows what she'll do with that data!"

Sloane shrugged and with a self-satisfied smirk said, "Not my problem.  I wasn't the one who decided what this team really needed was a tattooed drug dealing serial killer prostitute terrorist space-witch kidnapper exhibitionist.  If you were so concerned about not having a crazy person going through your data maybe you shouldn't have told me to go break her out of jail.  And anyway, if I'm being totally honest, there's a part of me that wants her to use that data to track all you fucks down and gut you in your sleep after this is all done and over with.  You know why?  Because it would save me the trouble of doing it myself!"

"This.  Do you see what I have to deal with?" Miranda asked the Illusive Smoking Man as he floated about the cosmos in his mighty leather executive's throne serenely puffing on his cigarette.

The Illusive Smoking Man folded his hands in his lap.  "Enough Miranda.  Shepard promised Jack access to the data? That was her call to make.  Go set up our new friend with whatever she needs."

Miranda muttered something under her breath and walked out of the room.  Sloane turned to walk out as well, but was stopped by the Illusive Smoking Man.  "One second Shepard, there's something else I wanted to talk to you about.  I've had my people crunch some numbers and we're still coming up short."

"The fuck are you on about?" Sloane asked, "Coming up short on what?"

"Time and manpower mostly," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "but I've got something that I think could solve both those problems.  There a Krogan geneticist name Dr. Ogre..."

"Wait a second," Sloane interjected, "Did you just say a Krogan geneticist?  Isn't that like a Volus basketball player or a male Asari or a fun loving Terrarium?  I thought they didn't do science."

"Usually no, they don't, but Dr. Ogre does.  Graduated top in his class in genetic engineering at Johns Hopkins.  He's a brilliant man.  We've worked with him on some projects before and would be a real boon to the team.  Doctor Morton is a genius in his own right, but time as at a premium so having two genius scientists working on the Collector problem would be twice as good, and beside we have reason to believe that Dr. Ogre has actually had business dealings with the Collectors so his insight into their society would be most helpful."

"But don't Krogans hate demon aliens more than I hate Miranda?" Sloane asked, "How can be sure that this Dr. Ogre won't just give Morton a backbreaker the first time they meet each other?"

The Illusive Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette and smiled a slimy smile before saying, "Because you haven't shot Miranda in the head yet.  Because Morton and Garrus agreed to work with Cerberus.  Everyone on that ship understands the gravity of the situation and will put aside their pettiness until the mission is done.  Do I worry that you and Jack might destroy some of our facilities and kill some of our operatives when this is all over?  I'd be a liar if I said that I didn't, but I don't think you'll do it today, and that's why I think Dr. Ogre will put aside any personal hatred he has for demon aliens while working with Dr. Morton.  Besides I offered to fund his research once the Collectors have been dealt with so I don't expect too much trouble out of him."

"Let me guess.  You want me to go pick up this guy like I'm a goddam Uber driver?"

"More or less.  He's on Trashgon VII, the garbage planet, conducting research, though we have reason to believe he's being held there against his will," the Illusive Smoking Man said, his voice a smoky shade of grey, "You are your team should be ready to fight your way into the doctor's lab if need be."

"Who would be interested in a Krogan geneticist?" Sloane asked.

"Pirates?  Gangster?  Warlords?  Rival Krogan clans?  Who knows?" the Illusive Smoking Man said elusively, "Just be prepared."

Sloane folded her armed across her chest.  "What if I say. 'No?'"

The Illusive Smoking Man sighed in exasperation. How long could this woman continue to be so willfully defiant? "Dammit Shepard! Just do it okay?" he said.

"What's in it for me?" Sloane asked. Her face was emotionless mask.

"The continued existence of our species," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Meh. You're going to have to do better than that buddy. I don't care about my own continued existence let alone yours or anyone else's."

The Illusive Smoking Man folded his hands and thought a moment. Christ, he had nothing to work with. He needed her way more than she needed him and she knew it. There was nothing she wanted from him that he could offer and not even anything he could threaten her with. She had no family and her friends had all turned their backs on her when she had "joined" Cerberus. And then it struck him. A wry grin crossed his lips and he said, "Liara T'soni."

Shepard's face was a stone mask. "What about her?" she asked.

"I may be able to help you two reunite," the Illusive Smoking Man offered, "It's been two years already hasn't it?"

Shepard said nothing. The Illusive Smoking Man stared trying to get a read of whether or not his gambit had paid off. If Shepard didn't bite now then he truly had nothing left to work with. "Two years..." she said at long last, "She's obviously moved on with her life and even if she hasn't the second she finds out I'm with you cockgrabs she'll tell me to fuck off like all my other friends did. Better if she thinks I'm dead. Are we done here?"

"Yeah...we're done here," the Illusive Smoking Man said. Sloane Shepard hadn't even waited for him to finish speaking before she'd left the room. A primal howl of rage echoed through the room as the Illusive Smoking Man screamed and hurled his ruby and emerald encrusted diamond ashtray across the room. It slammed into the wall causing the vid display of the ever expanding universe to flicker and the vanishing revealing the cold, gunmetal grey bunker wall beneath.

* * *

"Liara," Sloane thought to herself as she stepped out in the corridor. Since she'd returned from the dead she'd scarcely allowed herself a moment to think of her...girlfriend? No, it didn't seem right to call Liara that...not anymore; not after two years.

What would she say to Liara if they were to meet once more? What would Liara do if she were to see Sloane again? She turned the corner and stepped through the sliding doors onto the bridge. There was another wrinkle and it was standing right in front of her: Kelly Chambers.

Sloane had become fond of her yeoman in the months that had passed since her resurrection. What had started as playful flirting had blossomed into something else and she was certain that Kelly felt it too. As of on cue Kelly turned and smiled at her. Sloane's black mood seemed to evaporate.

"Hi Kelly," Sloane said with a cheerful grin.

"Good morning Commander. Can I ask you something?"

"Any time Kelly."

"Who is that new girl with the tattoos and the broad minded ideas about nudity?  I saw her down in the mess hall stuffing waffles into the pockets of her jumpsuit a little while ago."

"Oh her? That's Jack, the prisoner we bought," Sloane replied, "Why do you ask? She didn't hurt you or say anything to you did she? She's a little rough around the edges, but I don't think you'll have to see much of her. She's pretty much moved into the boiler room."

Kelly smiled coquettishly and said, "No, it's nothing like that. I just thought she was pretty and wondered who she was. Those tattoos. Those dreamy eyes. Those breasts..."

"Huh. I never imagined 'topless and covered in prison tats' would be your type," Sloane replied.

"There's a lot you don't know about me Commander Shepard," Kelly said, an impish smirk crossing her plump lips.

She was right. Sloane knew she was cute and worked for Cerberus, but beyond that there wasn't a lot she knew about Kelly Chambers. That wasn't the case with Liara. They had been through so much together. Sloane walked to her terminal and typed out a short message: "I'll go to Trashgon VII. Go find Liara."

It was short and to the point. She looked it over one final time and pressed send. Sloane Shepard then got on the intercom and hailed Joker. "Set a course for Trashgon VII."

* * *

"You've got mail!"

The Illusive Smoking Man looked down at his Power Glove, opened the mailbox and smiled. He wondered for a brief moment what had caused Shepard to change her mind but soon came to realize he didn't care. What was important was the fact that she had agreed to go to Trashgon VII and bring in Dr. Ogre. Now he'd just have to find Liara T'soni and bring her in. How hard could that possibly be to find a single person somewhere in the galaxy?

* * *

The bionic criminal, Jack, sat across from Sloane in the landing shuttle and Sloane had to make a conscious effort not to stare at the woman's bared breasts which bounced luridly as the shuttle entered the planet's atmosphere. Jack seemed to notice and asked, "You like what you see Shepard?" before pantomiming cunnilingus.

Sloane didn't respond. A moment later the shuttle touched down and Sloane, Kasumi and Jack jumped clear of the shuttle, their guns already drawn. None of the intel had been clear about what they would face down here but when even something as routine as picking someone up at prison turned into an attempted kidnapping and a shootout Sloane did not have high hopes for this mission. As the landing craft lifted off once more Sloane glanced around to take in her surroundings.

Trashgon VII had been aptly named for nearly the entire surface of the planet was covered with twisted metal and piles of rusted out space cars. If the planet had ever been used for anything beside a massive galactic dump Sloane did not know.

"Be on your guard," Sloane said as the landing craft vanished from sight, "We're pretty much going in blind here...fuckin' Cerberus right Jack?"

"Are you trying to hit on me?" the topless crime lord asked, but before Sloane could reply a blast of laser laser blasted nearby causing Jack to yell, "Aw hells no!"

She threw a haphazard space magic bolt roughly in the direction of the blast causing the rusted out Lincoln Spacetown Cars to go careening through the air and explode in a fireball of fiery flames. Needless to say the shooting stopped.

Kasumi holstered her uzi and said, I don't think I'll be needing this today. Well done Jack."

"..." Jack said in a very Japanese RPG hero sort of way causing Kasumi to pout and mutter something under her breath in Japanese. Sloane made a mental note to download the Japanese lexicon for her neural translator when she got back to the Notmandy.

"C'mon we have to find Doctor Ogre somewhere in this mess," Sloane said.

"Shepard I'm picking up several life forms a short distance from where you are. They could be hostile," EDI, the Notmandy's AI, said over the intercom. Sloane understood why Joker hated it so much.

Sloane thanked the AI in the standard way, telling it to fuck off, and then readied her shotgun.

The junkyard was eerily silent as the three women marched forward waiting for someone to ambush them. The ambush came a moment later when a human clad in the garb of a Blue Sun gangbanger popped up from behind a rusted hunk of metal that at one point had been Toyota Space Corolla and fired a rocket at the three women.

"Blue Suns! I'm getting sick and tired of these fucks!" Sloane and Jack shouted in unison before they simultaneously cast space magic towards the Blue Sun rocketeer.

There was a great crash as the ancient magicks slammed into junk and crumpled the rocketeer's bones to dust. His companions saw this and opened fire on the trio of lady space adventurers with light arms, but Kasumi had a gift for them...the gift of death! Soon but a single Blue Sun remained who turned to run. Sloane fired at him but the Blue Sun coward turned awkwardly to avoid the bullet. The bullet missed him by mere millimeters, but he was not, however, able to avoid an early 21st century air coolifier that was in his path.

The gangster slammed into the coolifier toes first and dropped to the ground immediately and rolled about in agony in the refuse. "My toe! It's stubbed! Oh agony! I shan't survive this I am certain!"

"Christ what a jigglypuff," Jack said dismissively as the gangster clutched his foot and began to wail.

Sloane shook her head and approached the openly weeping gangster. "Hey. Hey!"

The gangster looked up and wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at Sloane. "You...you tired to shoot me," he said, his lower lip quivering, "Why would you do that?"

"Um...because you and your buddies shot at us first," Sloane replied.

"Only because we're gangsters," the gangster said sobbing gentle, "that's what we do."

"Listen mang, I'm sorry I shot at you okay?" Sloane said, "If you stop crying and answer some questions I can patch that stub up with some medi-goop okay?"

The sniveling gangster wiped the snot from his nose with the back of his hand and nodded. "Okay. What do you want to know?"

"For starters where's Dr. Ogre?" Sloane asked.

"The Krogan science guy? His up in the base over there. The Baroness has him building an army of Krogan berserkers only they're all a little off...insane like you know? Like more so than even your normal Krogan," the Blue Sun gangster said in a weak voice, clearly moments from death.

"Who's the Baroness?"

"She's in charge here. A Blue Sun Lieutenant, but she's got bigger plans than that I think which is why she's got the Krogan building an army for her," the gangster said, "So can I have that medi-goop now? This stub is pretty awful."

Sloane grabbed the gangster by the collar and lifted him to his feet. "You can ran before I shoot you for real," Sloane said, "I'm feeling generous so I'll give you till the count of five to get out of my sight. One..."

"I don't get paid enough for this shit," the cowardly gangster mutter as he darted past Sloane and scrambled over a heap of E.T. cartridges for the Atari 2600.

"I wonder if Dr. Ogre's here willingly," Kasumi said as the women headed toward the garbage base the crying Blue Sun grunt had pointed out, "Like we go in to save him and he's all like, 'Up yours I'm curing the genophage,' and he tries to kill us. That would be as ironic as rain on your wedding day."

Jack shook her head. "It wouldn't be as ironic as that. Maybe more like a fly in your Chardonnay. This is a Cerberus mission after all."

"True," Kasumi replied. The hooded Japanese woman then pointed to a hulking form in the distance and asked, "Is that a Krogan? You think it's Dr. Ogre?"

"I hope not," Sloane said, "Whoever that is is coming under heavy fire. Let's go save the day just in case."

Fight it out! Laser blasting and space magic casting! Flawless victory! Fatality!

A hulking Krogan cosplaying as Robocop stood before them. "You soft ones are different from those soft ones," he said, "Brave...honorable. Not weak and cowardly like those soft ones," the Robocop cosplayer said.

"Do you know Doctor Ogre?" Sloane asked.

"Yes, he freed me from Tank Mother. I called him Father...he liked that, but then he said I was flawed. He could only accept perfection and so I was sent here with the others to fight and wait," the Krogan said.

"Do you know where Dr. Ogre is now?" Sloane asked.

"In there," the Krogan said moving a sheet of plywood with "BLUE SUNS' FORT KEEP OUT!" spray painted on it. "He will be with Tank Mother and the other children still I think."

Sloane thanked the Robocop fan and made her way into the fort. There were like a million and two stairs that she climbed up into a ruined, bombed out structure, the original purpose of which she could not even guess. Up and up they went until they were high above the field of trash and rust below.

At the top of the flight of stairs there was a door and behind that door Sloane saw a familiar looking Asari at a work station. The woman stood when she saw Sloane and exclaimed, "Oh shit...Shepard. I swear to the goddess this isn't what it looks like. Dr. Ogre's nothing like Seville...honest!"

"Is this that Asari Joker told me you were dating before you died?" Kasumi asked.

"No...I don't have any idea who this is...or why she knows me."

"I worked on Weimar Republic...I was Seville's secretary. I turned on the elevator for you and then hauled ass before you blew the entire place up with a nuke," the woman said nervously.

"Ohhhh...now I understand why you'd be nervous," Sloane replied, "What is it with you and crazy Krogan army genetic breeding programs?"

"I have a problem..." the Asari said, "I'll get help. I promise! Just let me go before you nuke the shit out of this place too okay?"

"Yeah whatever. Hit the bricks, but if I see you in another science lair in Mass Effect 3 you're getting shot okay?"

The Asari nodded and said, "You've got a deal," and then ran out of the office and started down the stairs.  Sloane crossed the room and opened the door revealing a large laboratory filled with empty bacca tanks.  A large Krogan stood before the sole tank in the room that seemed to contain something within.  

"Doctor Orgre I presume," Sloane said as she strolled in the room causing the Krogan to turn and face her.  He was a grizzled veteran who had a dangerous look about him.

"Shepard right?  The woman who destroyed the cure for the genophage on Weimar Republic," the Krogan geneticist said with a wicked grin, "The Illusive Smoking Man sent word that one of his agents was coming to extract me, but I would have never guessed it to be the most infamous woman on Tachunka."

Sloane lowered her had to her blaster pistol.  "I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter," she said.

Dr. Ogre laughed and said, "Calm down.  I don't blame you.  The genophage didn't make Krogans weak, the coddling that followed the genophage did!  The idea that every live birth was some precious gift to be preserved has lead to our weakness more than anything the demon aliens and Terrariums did to us.  That's what my work is here...recovering pure Krogan DNA and using it to return our people to their old glory and greatness."

"Wait, you don't care about reviving the Krogan horde?" Sloane asked.

"Not at all.  Quality over quantity is my motto.  I will take nothing less than perfection which is why the Baroness is happy to fund my work since she gets my castoffs, but she grows impatient and I have completed my perfect Krogan so perhaps it is time for me to leave this place.

"I heard you have had dealings with the Collectors," Sloane said.

"Yes.  I have met with them and purchased tech from them that I used to complete my studies," Doctor Ogre said, "I will tell you all about it once we are free from this place.  I fear that the Baroness is about to do something rather rash."

Sloane looked at a screen displaying security camera footage of a busty raven haired woman with 1950s nerd glasses and an oversized gun in her hand.  The PA suddenly squawked to life, "All units converge on Doctor Ogre's office.  Take out the doctor and whatever Krogans are left in the tanks.  We'll start over with his data ourselves!"

"That crazy gentlelady!  There's no way she could use my data to replicate this glorious specimen!  Too much trial and error was involved, along with Collector tech that was consumed in the creation of this fine fellow," the geneticist said, "Please go take care of her and her people.  I need to gather my things and prepare this mighty grunt for transport."

Sloane sighed and headed out of the lab with Jack and Kasumi ready to take out the Baroness and her people.  "What is it with scientists being creepy fucks who put people in isolation chambers or weird sensory deprivation tanks?" Jack asked as the three women made their way down the stairs back into the trash heap, "Couldn't they do their creepy experiments in a well lit and spacious room just once?"

Sloane shrugged and opened a door leading to a large battle arena that had been assembled in the trash heap.  The Baroness and her minions stood at the far end with a mech ready to rock.  They looked like they wanted to rumble.  This was proven to be true when one of the minions spotted Sloane and opened fire.  And so a fierce firefight did erupt pitting Sloane, Kasumi and Jack against a heap of creeps.  The three heroic ladies made short work of the cockgrab Blue Suns douchenuggets through expert use of shotguns, gifts, and space magic and soon all that was left was the mech which rumbled toward them shooting off machine guns and rockets and basically being a dick about everything.

"This looks like a job for Arc Blaster!" Sloane shouted with a gusto and then readied the blaster, charged it and like the Arc Blast blast forward in an arc of electro-blasting.  The blast hit the mech with a crackle of electro-arcing and the oversized robot exploded in a gajillion pieces.  

As the rubble from the exploded mech rained down EDI got on  the horn and was like, "Shepard, I'm picking up readings of poison gas coming from the lab.  My readings show two organic life forms still inside.  If you hurry you should be able to save Doctor Ogre."

"Fuck off EDI!" Sloane said, thanking the creepy artificial intelligence.  She dashed back up the stairs hopping to get back to Doctor Ogre before he died.  If she couldn't save the Doctor would the Illusive Smoking Man would still look for Liara.  She did go to Trashgon VII and look for the doctor, and it wouldn't have been her fault if he died of poison.  The Illusive Smoking Man probably wouldn't take her word for it or Jack's but Kasumi didn't seem to have any beef with Cerberus and would be trusted to give an accurate account of what happened.

Into the lab they dashed.  The poison had dissipated but the Krogan doctor was laid out like a chump before a video screen that was playing a clip on a loop.  It was clear that the clip had just been recorded since it mentioned Sloane by name.  "Shepard, it doesn't look like I'm going to make it, but even if I do, there's little I can tell you about the Collectors or their tech.  I barely understood the thing they gave me and it's gone now...used to complete my life's work."

Sloane looked at the Krogan in the tank mother.  He looked a lot more like a rock covered dinosaur than any Krogan she'd ever seen before.  Maybe bringing back some kind of ancient Krogan would work as an olive branch.  "Sorry we couldn't save the Doctor, here's some kind of prehistoric Krogan we found...can you still find my girlfriend for me?" Sloane got out her com and radioed the Notmandy, "Hey Joker, what's up mang?  I need a pick up.  We're going to have one more and he's a big one..."

* * *

"You brought a genetically engineered prehistoric Krogan back to the ship?!" Miranda screamed, "You are a goddamn maniac.  What do you plan on doing with him?"

"I plan on busting him out of that tank mother and convincing him to serve as my body guard," Sloane replied, "I'll give him a suit, an earpiece, sunglasses, and a big ass gun and never have to worry about assholes fucking with me again."

Miranda buried her head in her hands.  "Why do I even try with you?" she asked, "You do realize that Krogans fight best in tight quarters right?  We are on a spaceship.  The entire ship is a series of tight quarters.  What will you do if you open the tank mother and he just goes berserk and starts wrecking house on everything?"

Sloane scratched her chin.  "Hmm...I got it!  His tank mother is already down in the cargo hold.  I can open it there.  The cargo hold is pretty spacious and if things go bad Coach Z's down there and he's a pretty big fan of hunting the most dangerous game: Krogans."

"You're the boss," Miranda said as she shook her head and walked out of the room.

Sloane followed after her, making her way down to the cargo hold.  A short elevator ride later she stood before the tank mother staring at the rock krogan floating in the bacca.  "Here goes nothing," Sloane said to herself and hit the button to open the tank.  A large scale arm shot out and grabbed her by the throat, slamming her into the wall.

"A NAME!" the rock Krogan shouted.

"Sloane Shepard..." Sloane gasped.

A look of annoyed angry crossed the Krogan's face.  "No, not your name!  MINE!  I need a name!  Dr. Ogre never gave me a name I was just the specimen or Subject 32-11M or Grunt.  Hmm...Grunt?  Grunt.  Yes, Grunt will do nicely."

"Nice," Sloane rasped, "You want to join my team Grunt...I could use some muscle."

"Perhaps Shepard but why would you invite me into your clan?  I nearly ripped your head clear off your shoulders," Grunt replied.

"Look down buddy," Sloane said.

The Krogan looked down to find Sloane's pistol pushed up against his ribs.  "Nice one Shepard!  Nice one!"

(Laugh track)


	29. Mass Effect - S02E09 - Save the Humanoids!

Ashley Williams strode across the commons of the frontier colony, USA 2, surveying the massive anti-spacecraft guns the ringed the colony. They had been a pretty big investment for the Alliance, but once they were online and fully operational the settlers of USA 2 would see that the Alliance presence was worthwhile. When construction on the anti-spacecraft guns had begun there had been some complaints. There were those in the Terminus colonies who didn't look favorably on the Alliance and saw their presence here on USA 2 as an impediment on their own personal liberties. Few seemed to care about spate of mysterious disappearances of entire human colonies from Terminus system planets.

"We're still having trouble calibrating the targeting system," the chief Alliance engineer said as the pair walked toward the gun tower, "If we can't work it out planetside I might need to requisition a junker fitted with a VI pilot and see if we can get it to target on a physical object."

Ashley nodded and offered a noncommittal reply. No good promising something she wouldn't be able to deliver. An odd hum suddenly filled the air and Ashley looked up to see a large, disgustingly shaped spacecraft rapidly descending toward the colony. Ashley readied her assault rifle and told the engineer to sound the alarm. The engineer ran off as fast as he could as black swarms of bugs emerged from the unnerving alien craft. The air was filled with a sickening hum as more and more bugs vomited forth from the spacecraft. A hail of bullets flew from Ashley's assault rifle, but the bugs descended upon her. Ashley Williams fell to the ground and everything faded to black.

**Opening Credits**

"We just got word from our agents that the Collectors have struck another human colony in the Terminus System: USA 2," the Illusive Smoking Man said as he lit a cigarette and placed it between his lips, "I'm certain that if you take the Mass Relay you can reach USA 2 before they depart. There's a good chance you could save the colonists."

Sloane stared into the project image of the cosmos swirling before her. The artifice of it sickened her. "Fuck the colonist!" she spat, "And fuck you! I'm done with this shit! You told me you find Liara...so where is she?"

The Illusive Smoking Man sighed and counted to five under his breath before saying, "Finding a single woman, even one as well known as Dr. T'soni is not as easy as you seem to think Commander Shepard. I assure you I have my best agents following up leads as we speak. We will find her for. That being said we did locate another of your former allies, Gunnery Sergeant Ashley Williams, though she's had somewhat better luck with the Alliance soldier thing than you over the past two years. If my data is correct she outranks you now Commander."

"You found Ashley? How? Where?" Sloane asked.

The Illusive Smoking Man inhaled deeply. The corners of his mouth turned upward in a queer smirk. "It was quite by accident I assure you. Of all you companions she alone we never put feelers out for. An Alliance admiral working with Cerberus? It'd never happen," the Illusive Smoking Man said with a grin, "Several days ago we began picking up strange signals near USA 2 we believed to be connected to the Collectors and sent a recon team who discovered Miss Williams to be on planet overseeing the construction of a battery of anti-spaceship guns on USA 2. She is still believed to be there now."

Sloane was suspicious, "How do I know this isn't some bullshit lie just to get me to do what you want?"

"You can't really. Not without going there and checking yourself," the Illusive Smoking Man said as he lit another Newport Light, "If I was going to lie about it though I probably would have gone with Liara T'soni rather than Ashley Williams...T'soni would have been better motivation. Williams you could easily seen as expendable for all I know."

"No. I couldn't do that to Ash. If there's a chance I can save her I go to USA 2," Sloane said, "I'll have Joker prepare to make the jump to Mass Effect right away. Shepard out."

The holograms of stars and moons and Illusive Smoking Man faded from sight and Sloane instructed Joker to set course for USA 2. If Ashley was alive Sloane had to try and save her. If anyone could deal with the fact that Sloane was apparently working for a Humancentric organization like Cerberus it would be a casual space racist like Ashley.

**Commercial Break**

An incessant hum filled the air as Sloane stepped off the landing shuttle onto the surface of USA 2. Black swarms of buzzing insectoids expanded and contracted overhead. Doctor Morton had rigged some protective device on their body armor which would render the swarms' powers of compulsion useless, but it hadn't been tested. Sloane hoped it worked or it would be a really short mission.

A swarm spotted her and flew down to engulf her in their surging form. It was physically repugnant to have the swarm of Collector Bugs crawling over her body, but Morton's device seemed to work, her mind was still clear.

The Collector ship loomed in the distance. That was where they needed to go. Sloane motioned and Jack and Grunt, the prehistoric Krogan, followed after her, their guns drawn. The settlement at USA 2 seemed to be as devoid of human life as Freedom Rock had been. Beside the three space heroes the only living thing that could be seen were the amoeba-like swarms that seemed to pulse and throb in the sky above.

As they came to a space basketball court behind some prefabricated buildings the trio of space heroes heard a strange moaning.

"The fuck is that?" Jack asked with disdain.

"I'm not sure," Sloane replied, "But it kind of sounds like...ZOMBIES!!!"

A platoon of moaning cyber-zombies burst out of the prefabricated buildings that made up USA 2 and shuffled forward across the basketball court toward Sloane and her crew on shambling feet.  The two ladies and the Krogan gunned down the cyber-zombies but more and more came.  "Two Ladies and a Krogan is a pretty good name for a sitcom," Sloane thought to herself as she gunned down zombies, "They could work together in a pizza place or live in the same apartment complex and have zany misadventures due to ridiculous misunderstandings.  I bet people would love it.  If I make it out of this alive I'll see if the Illusive Smoking Man has any TV producers on retainer."

"SUCK ALL THE DICKS YOU SHITCUNT!" Jack bellowed as she sent a blast of space magic slamming into the last cybernetically enhanced zombie tearing it into 5 equal pieces.

"This is totally weird," Sloane said.

"What?  Zombies?" the ancient Krogan from antiquity asked, his voice an avalanche of gravel, "There are cyber zombie all over the place.  At least that's what Dr. Ogre taught me when I was inside Tank Mother."

"I know.  I saw these things on Eden One back in season 1, but the cybermen needed these big ass pillar deals to stab a corpse with to turn them into a cyber zombie," Sloane said, "That means the Collectors brought these zombies with them, and also that they are probably working with the Reapers."

"I'm sorry, but what the fuck is a reaper?" Jack asked.

"A race of sentient spaceships.  They are very charismatic and were working with the cybermen last season...or more precisely, the cybermen were working for them.  Since both the geth and these Collectors are using cyber zombies it's safe to say that they each got the tech from the Reapers," replied Sloane, "Anyway let's keep going.  We've got humanoids to save."

Grunt and Jack agreed and the trio pressed on.  As they passed the b-ball court the saw a pair of motionless humans.  "It's a stasis field," Jack said, "Some pretty advanced space magic...prevents them from moving."

Sloane asked if they were still alive, but before Jack could reply a group of weird looking creep monsters suddenly popped out of a prefabricated structure and tried to put Sloane and Company on blast.  Those hideously formed creatures were surely the Collectors Sloane had spent the last few months seeking.  The beings that Cerberus were so obsessed with stopping that they had pressed her into service against her will.  The beings that had cost Sloane Shepard everything: her freedom, her friends, her job, her lover.  Sloane had nothing left except revenge.

Sloane tossed down her uzi and readied the Arc Blaster.  The gun charged and vibrated with the fury of a million personal massagers.  "YOU FUCKING FUCKS!" Sloane yelled as she pulled the trigger and sent an arc of Arc Blast out of her Arc Blaster.  The blast of Arc Blast arced across the grounds and stuck the Collector closest to her.  The disgusting fiend collapsed as the electrical arc exploded its chest and leaped to the Collectors behind it.  These too grasp their chest and collapsed in a mound of death, but more came.

"Wingardia levi-closah!" Sloane shouted and with a burst space magic she flew across the vista and slammed into the incoming Collectors.  "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS RUINED MY LIFE!" she shouted as she blasted random Collectors in the face with her shotgun.  USA 2 was a chorus of BOOYAHs from Sloane's shotgun as she gunned down Collector after Collector.  "I LOST LIARA BECAUSE OF YOU FUCKING SHITS!" she screamed.  Her shotgun was out of ammo so she clubbed a Collector in the face with the butt of the gun cracking the gross thing's dome open like and overripe melon.  The alien howled in agony, but Sloane didn't care.  She swept the leg, knocking the dying Collector to the ground.  She pounced onto the monster and took his cracked head in her hands and began bouncing it off the space-steel catwalk upon which it had fallen.  The remaining Collectors saw their comrade slaughtered in such a fashion, turned and ran.

Sloane stood and picked up her guns.  She was covered in gore.  All around her were Collector corpses that looked as though they'd been through a corpse grinder.  The once pristine grounds of USA 2 were awash with blood and thoraxes.  Jack and Grunt looked at her uneasily.

"Holy fuck Shepard...people always tell me I've got rage issues, but damn girl you fuckin' tore those things up," Jack said with a smirk, "I barely got a shot in."

"Whatever.  Let's go.  We still might be able to save the colonists," Sloane said.  She turned and headed forward.  A moment later she game to a great grey garage door.  It was locked, but that sort of thing never stopped Sloane before.  Several moments later the door was open and the trio entered a garage.

A grease monkey was found there within hiding out.  "Oh god, you're human!  I thought you were those things!" he said nervously.  He smelled of urine.

"What happened here?" Sloane asked.

"The goddamn Alliance is what happened!" the man shouted, "We were fine until that Williams lady showed up and started building those anti-spacecraft guns.  Once the guns go up the next thing we know these fucking bugs show up and haul everyone away.  Everyone.  My wife.  My goddamn kid...everyone..."

"Look, I'm going to try to get everyone back okay?" Sloane said, "The guns.  How can I use them?"

"There's a control panel near the main battery," the grease monkey said, "But here's the kicker...the fuckin' things don't work!  The targeting's all wonky.  Just like the Alliance.  They build this big ass gun that we didn't need, the thing probably costs more than everything else on this planet, and the fucking thing doesn't even work."

"Alright," Sloane replied, "Maybe the gun's out then.  I'll figure something out.  You're going to be okay in here?"

The grease monkey nodded, "Yeah I'll be alright.  Just get my wife back, and if you've got time, I guess my no good son too."

"I'll see what I can do," Sloane said as she head out of the garage and off toward the giant guns in the distance.  If she couldn't get those guns targeting correctly there was no way she'd be able to destroy the Collector ship.  Rage could only take her so far, what she needed now was a goddamn miracle.

**Commercial Break**

"Hurry up with that thing Shepard!" Jack shouted as she hurled space magic across a courtyard into a platoon of cyber-zombies.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Sloane shouted back as she attempted to hack the anti-spacecraft gun's control panel.  God she wished Tali had come with her.  That girl could hack into secure Alliance servers with nothing more than a Gameboy and headphone wire.  The screen finally light up.  She was in.  "EDI!  It's Shepard!" Sloane shouted into her intercom, "I need you to scan the USA 2's anti-spacecraft gun system figure out what the hell's wrong with the targeting and then fix it."

"Very well Shepard," the AI replied, "I will need several minutes to remedy the problem.  Try not to die during that time."

"Fuck..." Sloane muttered and turned to help Grunt and Jack battle the horde of Collectors and cyber-zombies attempting to kill them.

"What!?" Jack shouted.

"It's going to take EDI a few minutes to get those guns online at least," Sloane replied as she blasted a barrage of uzi bullets into a Collector's gross face chunk.  The head of the Collector exploded Riki-Oh style with gore flying all over the goddamn place, "You think we can survive this shit?"

"Maybe not you," Jack said with a grin, "but I'll be alright."

"SLOANE SHEPARD!  YOU ARE WEAK AND FOOLISH TO CHALLENGE US!  IT WILL BE AN HONOR TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOU!" a weird voice shouted from somewhere out on the battlefield.  In the distance a hulking Collector emerged, a weird glow surrounding it.  In one hand it held a massive laser gun, the other hand pointed an accusatory finger directly at Sloane.

"How the fuck did that thing know my name?" Sloane asked as she flipped the glowing Collector off and pulled the trigger on her uzi.   _RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!_ The bullets struck the glowing Collector and bounced aside.

"I dunno how he knew you're name, but you're going to need something a little stronger than that popgun to take that asshole out," Jack replied, "You're gonna need some space magic!"  The tattooed woman hurled a glob of space magic through the air.  The shimmering blue magic slammed into the hulking brute knocking the thing flat on its ass.

This provided Sloane with the opening she need.  "BOOYAH!" screamed her shotgun utterly destroying the Collector hulk, but that was not the end of the weird voice.  A second glowing juggernaut appeared bellowing in a weird voice that seemed to exist beyond space and time.  "SLOANE SHEPARD!  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!  ASSIMILATE WITH US AND SURVIVE!  FIGHT US AND PERISH!"  Sloane threw a chunk of space magic at the thing as it prattled on about "JOIN OR DIE!" causing the weird glow to fade.  Grunt mowed the thing down with a machine gun sending thorax bits scattering across the yard.

Sloane's intercom clicked on and EDI said, "Shepard?  EDI here.  The guns are now operational and the targeting has been repaired.  Would you believe that someone tried to use Imperial units to calibrate the guns when the entire thing is in metric?  Not even Mister Moreau would be so thickheaded as that."

"EDI fire them at the Collector ship!" Sloane shouted.

The guns pivoted and began firing a barrage at the Collector ship.  The alien craft was well shielded though.  Even with the guns it would take awhile to do any serious damage.  Sloane leaned back against one of the countless crates in the yard and watched as rockets slammed into the Collector spaceship.  Suddenly the creepy voice started bellowing crap again about how it wasn't over, but only just beginning.  Sloane sighed in annoyance, but suddenly a big glowing chunk of a robot things appeared and started flying around shooting laser beams all over the goddamn place.

Sloane dove behind the crate she had be leaning against like a loiterer moments earlier and readied the Arc Blaster.  It took a moment for the gun to warm, but once it did, Sloane stood, aimed and fired.  To her surprise the glowing chunk of a robot continued to fly about like a goddamn asshole.  One more shot would probably do the trick.  Sloane aimed and Arc Blasted the chunk bot, but still it came.  The thing was relentless.  Jack had been hurling curveballs and sinkers of space magic at the robot chunk since it appeared and Grunt hand been laying into it with heavy machine guns, but the thing barely had a scratch on it.

The anti-spaceship guns seemed to be faring slightly better, for the ship was beginning to smoke.  Sloane and her buddies had to hold out just awhile longer.  Again she took aim with the Arc Blaster.  There were only a couple charges left, so she was going to have to make them count.  The device began to quake like an overpowered vibrator.  Sloane exhaled, stood slowly, and aimed the gun at the flying robotic chunk.  She pulled the trigger.   _KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!_  The Arc Blaster exploded the shit out of the robotic chunk leaving nothing but a smoking heap of ruined metal gears and weird glowing shit that was probably super toxic.  Overhead the Collector ship hauled ass off of USA 2 and off into the blackness of space.

The trio of heroes began doing victory poses as the Final Fantasy victory fanfare played, but as they pumped their arms the grease monkey from the garage emerged from the garage.  "Fuck!" he shouted, "The ship's gone?!  My wife and to a lesser extent my son...gone!  Fuck!  You promised me you'd get them back!"

"Man I never said I'd get them back I said I'd try and I did try.  I saved a shit ton of humanoids.  I'm sorry your wife and kid aren't among those I saved, but really dude, I did my level best okay so get off my dick about it!" Sloane shouted.

"They teach you to talk that way in Cerberus?" a familiar voice asked.  Sloane turned to see Ashley Williams strolling towards her no worse for wear. 

"Ash!  You're alive!  When I heard you were here and that the Collectors attacked I came as quick as I could!" Sloane exclaimed, "You don't know how relieved I am that you're alive!"

The grease monkey shook his head and muttered, "Oh come on!  You gotta be shittin' me!  This bitch gets to live, but my wife and to a lesser extent pain in the ass son get taken by the gross ass aliens?  Fuck this bullshit!"  He turned and stormed off somewhere.  Sloane didn't really care where because her second best friend was standing before her.

"It's been a long time Ash..." Sloane said.  

Ashley looked severe causing Jack to lean over toward Grunt and whisper, "This is why I don't have friends...this shit is hella awkward."

"That's all you've got to say Shepard?  'It's been a long time?'" Ashley said, "You've been gone two years and when I finally find out you're alive I learn that you've joined Cerberus!  I'm space racist as shit and not even I would go so far as to join those fucks!  What happened to you Sloane?  It's fucking Cerberus!  They killed Admiral Kotaku and weren't they directly responsible for the shit that happened to you on Acooze?"

"It's not how it looks Ashley.  I'm not in Cerberus...they brought me back to life and want me to stop the Collectors.  I'm doing the same shit I would have done if I was still a Spectre it's just that now I have funding and don't have to write reports.  Really Ash, I'm not with them," Sloane replied.

Ashley shook her head and grit her teeth.  "Maybe that's just what they want you to think Sloane.  They give you a little leeway so you think you're running the show when really they're just getting you to do what they want in a way that makes you think that did exactly what you wanted and really stuck it to those Cerberus fucks.  Those two over there...you pick them yourself?"

"The Krogan kind of.  The bald chick they recommend but she hates these Cerberus dicks too."

"Whatever Sloane.  Get your shit together...I really don't want to have to send people to hunt you down," Ashley said, "I'm not going to haul you in today since you more or less saved this colony, but I don't want to see you again Sloane, so goodbye."

Ashley turned her back and walked off.  With each step away Sloane's heart ached and a moment later she was out of Sloane's line of sight and out of Sloane's life.  She added Ashley Williams to the list of things Cerberus had taken from her that she had committed to memory.  One day when this was all over with, when the threat of the Collectors was no more, she would make them pay for what they had done to her, provided Jack didn't get to them first.


	30. Mass Effect - S02E10 - Illin' in Illium

From his leather executive's throne the Illusive Smoking Man stared at Sloane Shepard. The data she had provided had proven invaluable. "It seems our hypothesis was correct regarding the Collectors," he said as he took a drag from his cigarette, "We had reason to believe that they were interested in you and were attempting to draw you out. When we heard Admiral Williams was on USA 2 we assumed that the Collectors would attack there, trying to use Admiral Williams as bait."

Sloane glared at the Illusive Smoking Man. Her eyes were hellfire. "You bastard! You thought the colony was in danger and didn't warn them? People died because you wanted to test some hypothesis?"

The Illusive Smoking Man blew a ring of smoke that drifted across the galaxy. "What could we really have done? If we had warned them and they chose to believe us, which judging by your exchange with Miss Williams during your mission is highly unlikely, they would not have had time to evacuate more than a handful of settlers. You saved more lives yourself than any evacuation could have."

A scowl crossed Sloane's face. "So what now?" she asked barely masking her disdain.

The Illusive Smoking Man blew smoke from his nostrils like a dragon and smiled. "My people will need some time to analyze the data collected on USA 2 and plot our next move. In the meantime you will go to Illium."

Sloane shrugged and asked, "Why? Why would I go to Illium?"

"Because you wanted me to find Liara T'soni and that's where my agents tracked her to. Besides you're going to need more people if you're going to stop the Collectors; that much is obvious," the Illusive Smoking Man replied taking a drag from his cigarette, "There are a couple agents there I think would be good additions to your team."

"I'll make preparations to depart for Illium at once," Sloane said, trying her best to sound nonchalant, "unless, of course, there is something else you need to say."

The Illusive Smoking Man smiled and with a wave of his hand dismissed her, "That will suffice Shepard. Illusive Smoking Man out."

Sloane could hardly contain her elation as the holographic image of the Illusive Smoking Man faded from sight. She tried her best to temper those feelings though. The majority of her former friends had been less than pleased to see her when they had learned what had transpired in the two years since last they'd met so the realist in her knew that she shouldn't expect things to be any different with Liara, but the romantic in her caused her stomach to turn in circles at the thought of seeing her girlfriend and once more holding her in her arms.

"Joker," Sloane, her heart pounding in her chest like a drum, said over the intercom, "set a course for Illium."

* * *

"What's the matter Shepard?" Jack asked as the Notmandy exited Mass Effect and began its final approach towards Illium, "You look like you're going to barf."

Sloane tried to compose herself before she said, "I'm just a little nervous that's all."

"Nervous? About Illium? You didn't look this bad when we landed on a planet that we knew had just been invaded by Collectors," Jack said, "What's so bad about Illium?"

"Her girlfriend lives on Illium," Kasumi answered, "and Sloane hasn't spoken to her since she came back from the dead."  Sloane glared at the Japanese woman but Kasumi merely shrugged and said, "People gossip Shepard...even Cerberus agents."

"Whatever," Jack said disinterestedly, "Just if you're going to puke do it somewhere else okay? If I see you barf I'll totally blow chunks too and that is not happening today alright?"

"I'll be fine Jack," Sloane replied as the ship touched down on the surface on Illium. Sloane inhaled and exhaled slowly and deliberately once before stepping out through the airlock and into Dos Equis, the capital city of Illium.

As she and her companions made their was down the dock platform an Asari woman clad in the robes of a civil servant appeared from the doors at the opposite end of the platform and called out to her.

"Miss Shepard, welcome to Illium," the civil servant said, greeting Sloane warmly, "I have been sent by Doctor Liara T'soni to greet you. She would have come herself, but as I'm sure you can imagine Doctor T'soni is a very busy woman. She would very much like to speak with you in her offices downtown in the financial district."

Sloane's heart skipped a beat. Was it possible that Liara wasn't going to shun her for being in Cerberus or was she just ignorant of Sloane's terrible circumstances?

"Thank you for letting me know," Sloane said, "I'll go see her as soon as I take care of the docking fees and entry documents."

The civil servant waved her hand and smiled. "No need for that Miss Shepard. Doctor T'soni took care of all that before your arrival."

Sloane thanked the woman and made her way into the city. Sloane was taken aback by the opulence of it. Had she not spent time on the Citadel she might have called it the most splendid city she had ever encountered. As she and her companions passed the stock exchange she overheard traders earning fortunes off the tragedy that had just befallen USA 2 and suddenly Dos Equis didn't seem quite so magnificent. Behind the glittering lights and polished vistas it was scarcely better than Cincinnati back on Earth with people becoming wealthy off the suffering of others.

Jack voiced a similar sentiment. "This place is Omega with a Gucci bag and a nose job," she hissed venomously, "These fucking people make me sick.  They act like they're better then everyone when they're less honest than just about any merc in Omega."

"I dunno, it's not so bad as that is it?  Here at least the criminals don't stick a blaster in your face or hit you in the head with a barbed wire bat when they rob you.  It's a more refined sort of criminal activity," Kasumi said, "I actually thought about moving here when I was in my early twenties."

The three women crossed the stock exchange passing people dealing with more credits than any of them would ever see in their lives and made their way to the offices of Liara T'soni.  The doors hissed open and Sloane and her companions found themselves in a tastefully decorated lobby.  Liara had apparently done quite well for herself in the two years that had passed since last she and Sloane had seen one another.  An Asari woman seated behind a desk typing at a terminal looked up and asked, "May I help you?"

"Uh...yeah I'm here to see Doctor T'soni," Sloane replied.

"Do you have an appointment?" the receptionist asked as she continued to type away at her terminal.

"No, I don't think so, but she might be expecting me anyway.  My name is Sloane Shepard."

"Ah Commander Shepard!  She will be thrilled to see you.  Let me inform her that you are here," the receptionist said and pressed a button on her desk, "Ma'am Commander Shepard is here to see you."

Liara's voice came over the intercom.  "Really?  Already?  Send her in please!"  She sounded excited and Sloane's nervousness began to fade.  Perhaps she'd been worried about nothing.

The door to Liara's office opened and the receptionist told her to go in.  Sloane asked Jack and Kasumi to wait in the lobby before stepping into the office. There she saw Liara, dressed in a traditional Asari gown, speaking to someone on the video phone.  Sloane's heart pounded in her chest as the door hissed shut behind her, and then she heard what Liara was saying to the person on the other end of the call: "If this information doesn't check out I swear to the Goddess that I will cut your cock off, pan fry it with onions and garlic and make you eat it.  Do you understand?"  What had happened to her?

Liara clicked off the phone and turned toward Sloane.  A broad smile appeared upon her face as she crossed the room and threw her arms around Sloane in an embrace.  "It is good to see you again Shepard.  I thought that I'd lost you forever so to see you here in the flesh...I am overjoyed."

"Me too.  I...I...it's been hard," Sloane said, "You know, since I came back.  Almost everyone hates me now.  Tali.  Ashley.  The Council.  All of 'em.  I was scared it was going to be the same with you."

"Shepard, I could never hate you," Liara said, "Come sit.  Let us talk."  Liara took a seat at her desk and Sloane sat down across from her.

"You seem to have done pretty well for yourself," Sloane said as she looked at Liara, she in spite of her near agelessness somehow seemed older than the last time they had seen one another, "What up with all the Scarface stuff though?  'I'll cut off your cock and feed it too you...Grrrr!'  Ha ha ha."

Liara looked down a moment.  "I'm in the business of information now," she said matter of factly.

Sloane laughed, "Like the Shadow Broker?  You?"

"Yes me.  It's been a long two years Sloane and some of us have had to do things we would have never expected," Liara replied.

"Like join Cerberus?" Sloane offered.

"Yes, like join Cerberus.  In my case I've spent the last two years hunting down the Shadow Broker," Liara said.

Sloane was taken aback by what Liara said, "But why?"

"It's a long story Shepard, but the Shadow Broker has someone who is very dear to me and I've been trying to get them back.  He helped me get your body back from the Shadow Broker and was captured because of it."

Sloane's heart sank.  She hadn't expected Liara to wait for a dead woman to return but to hear it laid out so bluntly before her was like a punch to the stomach.  She had been a fool to come looking for Liara at all.  Here sorrow soon turned to anger.  "Wait, you said the Shadow Broker had my body and you and this friend of yours stole it back?  How did Cerberus end up with me?"

"I...I gave you to them," Liara said, "I thought that they could bring you back.  I was desperate!  You have to understand Sloane."

Sloane was at a loss for words.  She sat there thinking of what to say before finally blurting out, "I've lost so much because of Cerberus and now I find out that it was you who gave me over to them?"

"I know.  It was the only way.  I...I didn't want to lose you Sloane."

"I guess I should thank you then," Sloane said half sarcastically, "I should probably go."

"Wait.  There's something I could use your help with.  There's a Shadow Broker agent here.  I believe that they are out to kill me, but I'm uncertain who they actually are.  My secretary uncovered a list of possible operatives but we need more evidence.  I'm certain that the agent is using public terminals to transmit data packs.  We've caught Shadow Broker agents doing it before, so I'd like you to go hack into the terminals and see what you can uncover.  Could you do that and then call my cell if you find anything."

"We'll see," Sloane said as she stood and walked toward the door.  What the hell had just happened?  She walked out into the lobby to find Jack and Kasumi reading month old copies of US Weekly.  Jack looked up and said, "That was quick.  We both figured you'd fuck on her office sofa for at least an hour or two.  In my experience that's usually how it goes with Asari and you two haven't seen each other in like forever..."

"I think she's seeing someone else," Sloane said.

"Aw Sloane...I'm sorry," Kasumi said, "Do you want to go back to the ship?"

"No, I'll be fine," Sloane said, "I didn't really expect her to wait or anything anyway.  Come on, we've got work to do."

"What sort of work?" Jack asked.

"We're hacking some terminals so my ex-girlfriend can find where the Shadow Broker is keeping the piece of shit she replaced me with."

**Commercial Break**

Sloane downloaded another data packet onto her Power Glove from a public terminal in the financial district.  As the data popped on her display she let out a "Huh?" of perplexity.  "This is hella weird.  So the list of all the possible suspects is all dudes, but this data packet makes it seem like the agent is a woman."  She took out her phone and dialed Liara.  "Hey Liara, it's me.  I hacked these terminals and found the data packets like you asked me to but they don't make any sense.  All the suspects are male and the Shadow Broker agent seems to be woman.  Where'd you get this list from anyway?"

"From my secretary...oh.  I see.  Shepard can I call you back in a moment?  Miss Hancock could you come here a moment?"  The phone call then ended.

"So that was a bust," Jack said, "Why don't you just call our close personal friend, the Illusive Smoking Man and ask him where the Shadow Broker is?  I'm sure all those creepy assfucks know each other."

"Jack that's a good idea," Sloane said.  She dialed Miranda back on the ship, "Listen Miranda it's me.  Shut up and just listen alright?  I need to know where the Shadow Broker's lair is.  Ask the Illusive Smoking Man and then e-mail the data okay?  What?  No, I'm trying to win my ex-girlfriend's heart back.  No, the Illusive Smoking Man will totally understand unless he's a robot or some shit.  Just do it."

Sloane hung up the phone and hoped that Miranda wasn't going to be a total bitch and just ignore what Sloane asked her to do.  "Come on, let's go back to Liara's office and wait there," Sloane said.

Jack groaned but Kasumi elbowed her in the ribs and whispered something about "True love," which caused Jack to groan louder.

The three women walked across the financial district back towards Liara's office.  As the walked towards the front door, Sloane's Power Glove suddenly lit up.  There was an e-mail from the Illusive Smoking Man:

_Sloane,_

_I've attached directions to the Shadow Broker's Lair for you to give to your ladyfriend.  Hopefully this helps smooth things over between you two.  I don't need my #1 agent with her head all jammed up and her loins as dry as the Notmandy's Life Support Room because of romantic frustration.  I need your head in the game giving it 110%.  If the location of the Shadow Broker's lair is what it takes to get you laid so be it._

_Your Pal,_ _The Illusive Smoking Man_

"Hot diggity damn!" Sloane exclaimed and kicked up her heels as she entered the office.  The secretary's desk was empty and Sloane wondered if she'd gone home early.  Sloane ran into Liara's office to find her seated at her desk.  She seemed surprised to see Sloane.  The office smelled faintly of tinny blood.

"Sloane what are you doing here?" Liara asked.

"I figured that the Shadow Broker agent here was going to be a dead end so I called in a favor.  Tada!" Sloane replied and with a flourish transferred the coordinates to the Shadow Broker's Lair to Liara's Power Glove.

"What's this?" Liara asked as she pulled the data file up and scanned it, "By the Goddess...Shepard.  How?  Is this real?"

"I'm guessing it's real.  I got it from the head honcho of Cerberus and he has no reason to lie to me about its validity," Sloane said with a shrug.

Liara stood up and grabbed her coat off the coat rack and threw it on.  "We need to head over there as quick as possible.  There's still a chance we can save my dear friend Feron.  I'm going to go back to my apartment to gather up some things.  Let's meet there around 20:07 okay?" she said as she headed toward the door.  Sloane followed after her a moment later.

"Seriously, what the hell was that? There's no way in hell you just got laid," Jack said putting down a copy of People Magazine from  October 2211, "We can stop doing whatever the shit this is and go back to the ship if you want.  I'm pretty sure that Kelly girl would fingerbang you or let you fingerbang her or whatever it is you're into Shepard."

Sloane shook her head, "Nah, we're just going to break into the Shadow Broker's lair, save some dude she's probably banging and then she will surely be mine again.  There's no way it can fail."

* * *

The taxi landed outside the Illium Manors apartment complex and after paying the fare, Sloane, Jack and Kasumi disembarked.  Thunder crashed and a light rain began to fall as they walked up to the front door from the curb.  Several cop cars were parked outside their lights flashing.

"Hey what's going on here?" Sloane asked the Hanar doorman as he pressed the button to open the building's door.

"This one is not entirely certain but there was a shooting somewhere in the building," the Hanar said.

"You know which apartment?" Sloane asked nervously.  She was certain it would be Liara's apartment.  If there was a bad bit of luck it was always someone she knew.

"Regrettably this one does not know," the Hanar doorman said, "This one wishes you a pleasant evening."

Sloane walked into the atrium of the apartment building.  It was hella luxurious.  Liara's secret peddling business had apparently been very profitable or Matriarch Boob Witch had left her daughter a rather sizable inheritance.  The entire place was spacemarble and platinum.  Sloane glanced at the apartment number she'd recorded on her Power Glove and stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for floor 214.  The doors closed gently and the elevator's lev drive began to hum gently.  

Kasumi looked around at the carved space mahogany of the elevator's interior and whistled appreciatively, "I bet there is some really nice stuff these apartmentsthat could stand to be liberated."

"Seriously Shepard, I can see why you don't want to just go back to the ship and fuck Chambers," Jack said, "Your girlfriend is fuckin' loaded dude."

"She wasn't loaded when I was dating her," Sloane said, "She was just a scientist or Indiana Jones or something."

"Good in the sack then?" Kasumi offered with a nudge to Jack's ribs.  The sour bionic criminal smirked.

"I'll have you know she was a virgin when we first did it!" Sloane exclaimed.

"Wow...so you hook up with a girl whose species' entire concept is sex work and somehow end up with a virgin?" Jack said, her mouth hanging open in disbelief, "You sure know how to pick 'em Shepard."

"Shut up," Sloane said as the elevator came to a stop on floor 214.  Sloane exited the elevator and her heart stopped.  Police officers were milling about in the hallway outside apartment 214▩F, Liara's apartment.

Sloane entered the apartment through the police barricade sensor causing it to beep weakly.  An Asari woman dressed in the garb of a Spectre turned around and looked at her sternly  "Hey! You can't be in here!" she exclaimed.

"Why not?  I'm a Spectre too," Sloane said, "Sloane Shepard's my name."

"Shepard eh?  I thought you were dead," the Asari woman said, "I'll be grateful for any help you can give me though, these beat cops are pretty useless.  The name's Tela Vasir."  The woman then turned toward the two cops dusting for fingerprints and told them to hit the bricks.  "Let's get this investigation underway why don't we?  To start let's talk about the body, or more precisely the lack there of.  If you notice, the glass is shattered but there aren't any bullets in here.  I'm guessing T'soni used Barrier to block the bullets, but the fact that they still shattered the glass leads me to believe we are dealing with some people with some less than regulation weapons."

"Maybe we can find a clue as to where she went," Sloane offered, "She was expecting me at 20:07 so maybe she left a note as to where she went."

Vasir nodded and said, "That's a good idea, why don't you look upstairs.  I'll check down here."

Sloane made her way up to the apartment's loft into Liara's bedroom.  It was tastefully decorated and had several Ancient Alien artifacts prominently displayed.  Sloane opened a dresser drawer and saw neatly folded undergarments and quickly closed it.  She felt like a pervert.  With a sigh, Sloane sat down on Liara's bed and wondered who this Feron guy actually was. Why did she hate this person she'd never met so much? It wasn't fair to him or to Liara. It wasn't Liara's fault she'd been dead for two years or Feron's fault either. She sighed and leaned back on the bed sinking slightly into the cushion. Sloane glanced to her right and saw a framed photograph of the Normandy she picked it up and in an instant the image was replaced by one of an Ancient Alien ruin.

"Clever girl," Sloane said to herself. Liara had left a clue as to her whereabouts, Sloane just needed to find where she'd hidden it.

She stood and checked the Ancient Alien artifacts on display in the bedroom. They revealed nothing, but Sloane was certain she was on the right track. Down the stairs she went. Beside the staircase up to the loft there was a large hunk of Ancient Alien treasure ensconced in a glass case. Sloane touched her hand to the front panel and a previously invisible drawer emerged from the base of the display. Liara had keyed it to Sloane's genetic code.

In the drawer Sloane found a single floppy disc that she removed and placed in the terminal. An image of a demon alien appeared on the screen.

"What have you got there?" Varis asked.

"A floppy disc," replied Sloane, "It seems to be a recording of a video call."

The demon alien on the screen flickered and vibrated. It had been an encoded message. Sloane had forgotten how eerie encoded vid calls looked when rendered with standard decoding tech. She'd become spoiled by all the fancy toys Cerberus had given her.

"So can you make sense of this data?" Liara's off-camera voice asked.

"I can pinpoint it to a system," the demon alien said as his image flickered and faded like a phantom, "Come to my office in the Galactic Trade Building tonight after hours and I'll have the data for you. I don't feel comfortable sending something like this even as an encrypted data packet."

The vid stopped and the terminal screen went black once more.

"You recognize that guy?" Sloane asked.

"He's a star chart cartographer," Varis replied, "His name is Seakat or something like that. His company is legit and he's got no record. Let's pay him a visit. Maybe we'll get lucky and find T'soni there...alive. C'mon I have a car."

**Commercial Break**

Varis' Spectremobile sped across Dos Equis its lights flashing and siren wailing. The reality of what was happening finally set it for Sloane: there was a very real chance that Liara would die before this night was through. If there was anything she could do to keep that from happening Sloane would do it.

"There it is," Varis said as she brought the Spectremobile down, "the Galactic Trade Center. Why don't you go in and find Doctor T'soni while I park the Spec..."

_KABOOOOOM!_

A massive explosion tore through the elegantly designed monument to trade and commerce's facade sending a shower of glass shards crashing to the ground below.

"Oh fuck!" Sloane shouted, "They blew up the fucking building!"

"Shepard, Doctor T'soni's a resourceful lady. She escaped death once tonight, there's no reason to assume she's dead," Varis said, "Why don't you go in here with your companions? I'll take the Spectremobile up to the roof and will work my way down. We can cover more ground that way."

Sloane nodded and exited the hovercar with Jack and Kasumi. All three women had their guns drawn. As they made their way toward the building the sound of assault rifle fire could be heard from within. The Shadow Broker's agents were thorough.

Sloane burst into the lobby of the Trade Center and saw the source of the gunfire: a squad of heavily armed mercs at the far end gunning down the office workers trying to escape the burning building.

"Wingardia-levi-closah!" Sloane shouted. Space magic surrounded her and her body shot forward. She slammed into the mercs at the far end of the room in an explosion of space magic. The gunmen were hurled across the room, slamming roughly into the wall. Sloane aimed her shotgun and fired, "BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" The heads of the mercs exploded like overripe watermelons under the Hammer of Gallagher.

"Yo Shepard! We got a problem!" Jack shouted, "The elevator's dead. We're going to have to take the stairs."

Sloane radioed Varis to let her know about the mercs in the building and then the three women started up the stairs. Occasionally they come upon more pockets of merc resistance but three lady space heroes with guns and space magic is a hard thing for nameless canon fodder to put a hurt on.  

They pressed on, fighting gunmen and fires until at last they came to the offices of Seakat the Map Maker.  As they approached the door two shots rang out followed by the sound of bodies hitting the floor.  Sloane dashed into the room to find the Spectre, Varis, standing over the bodies of a Shadow Broker agent and Seakat the mapmaker.

"I got here a minute too late," Varis said, sounding as though she gave zero fucks about the dead demon alien on the floor.  She crouched down and began feeling the demon alien's pockets.

"You looking for this?"

Sloane turned to see Liara, pistol drawn, standing by the doorway.  The Asari Indiana Jones cum spymaster's hand was extended with a floppy disc on her outstretched palm.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Sloane shouted in confusion.

"She works for the Shadow Broker and needed your help to find me," Liara said.

"Oh snap!  My bad!  I really should have done a more thorough background check," Sloane said, "So I guess we're gunning this chick down before we go find your 'good friend' Feron then?"  Sloane did air quotes as she said "good friend" in a tone utterly dripping with sarcasm.

"Wait...were  you two a couple?" Varis asked, "Jesus Shepard, have some self respect mang.  You are getting yourself on a Shadow Broker kill on sight list so she can free her fuckbuddy from the Shadow Broker's fair and egalitarian clutches.  Help me out here and I'll make it worth your while...if you've got a thing for Asari girls I mean."

"What?  No...it's nothing like that!  For real she's the only Asari girl I've ever been with...well except that one who brain fuckled me, but that was just to transfer some brain data," Sloane said in protest, "It's not like I have a massive collection of Asari animation vids on my terminal or anything like that.  I liked her as an individual, not because I have the Blues or anything."

"You're kind of protesting a lot Shepard," Jack whispered, "I bet you got a bunch of those Asari sex game things on your Power Glove."

"What?  No!  For real guys.  Real talk: I like hair.  I honestly think the head tentacles are kind of weird, but I like Liara as a person and so I dated her.  I died and she moved on and that's fine.  Maybe she and I will never again spend a passionate night together, but that doesn't change the way I feel about her as a person.  If we can't be lovers anymore that doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

"Oh fine," Varis said, "I'll do this myself!"  A blast of space magic slammed Jack and Kasumi into the wall and a second snatched the disc out of Liara's open hand.  The Spectre Shadow Broker agent then turned to make her escape, but Sloane dashed forward, and slammed into the petite Asari woman like a goddamn linebacker.  The two women crashed through a plate glass window and began to fall toward the space concrete below.  Sloane had not thought her attack through.

Together the two plummeted to the ground.  Sloane wished whatever Cerberus had done to her hadn't decreased her bionic ability so drastically.  If she could cast Barrier she could probably survive the fall, though she'd still need some medi-goop, but without Barrier?  Her shit was about to be all fucked up.  She held tight to the Asari woman's waist as they tumbled through the nothingness.

"Yeah right you don't have the Blues," Varis said as the two fell, "You've got your face buried in my crotch Shepard!"  

The woman suddenly summoned a Barrier that surrounded her and most of Sloane.  If Sloane could hold tight she would probably survive the fall.  Closer and closer the ground came and at the very last moment Varis turned so that she was atop Sloane and with a wave of her hand the Barrier dissipated.  Sloane slammed into the concrete.  She felt ribs break and the air knocked from her lungs, but she was alive.  Varis dashed off, the disc still in her hand.  A second later, Liara alighted beside her and took off running after Varis.  She didn't even glance at Sloane.

"The fuck?" Sloane moaned in confusion as she stood slowly and activated a dose of medi-goop to begin knitting her ribs back together.  Kasumi and Jack appeared a moment later and the three women started across the parking lot after the pair of Asari.

"That was fuckin' ice cold what she did to you Shepard," Jack said as they ran, "Bitch didn't even look at you after you fucking tackled that chick out a window, which, by the way was totally badass."

"Yeah that was pretty awful Sloane," Kasumi said, "What Liara did, not the tackle through a window...that was hella cool. Was she always like that?"

"No."

Up ahead Varis pulled a gun and fired random toward them before jumping into the Spectremobile.  "Ah fuck!" Jack shouted as a bullet passed through her leg, causing her to collapse to the ground.

"Jack, you okay?" Sloane asked.

Jack gritted her teeth, "I'll live.  Go on and catch that bitch!"

Liara was already in a car as Sloane and Kasumi jumped in.  Sloane took that control of the hovercar and floored it before Kasumi had even pulled the door shut.  The hovercar sped off after the rogue Spectre leaving Jack behind on the rooftop of the exploded Galactic Trade Center.

"Goddess Shepard this thing isn't the Space Car," Liara said as Sloane recklessly wove in and out of traffic trying to catch up with the speeding Spectremobile.

"I know T'soni!" Sloane shouted, "Fuck! She's shooting at us.  What kind of weapons does this thing have?"

"It's a taxi...it has a meter," Liara replied.

"Awesome," Sloane replied sarcastically as she banked the car to avoid a missile shot out of the Spectremobile, "Way to pick a car for a high speed chase Liara."

"I just met you today Liara and don't really know what's up with you and Sloane, but I have to say that you two make a really cute couple," Kasumi said from the backseat of the taxi, "I bet your kids would be super adorable.  Mixed kids usually are.  My cousin, Genji, married this white lady and they have the cutest daughter."  Sloane and Liara both turned around and shot the master thief withering glares.  "Um...Shepard, you might want to watch the road," Kasumi said as the taxi sped forward toward a truck.

"Oh shit!"  Sloane pulled the handle hard to avoid the crashing hovertrucks.  She found her hovertaxi beside the Spectremobile.  "Hold on to something," Sloane said as she slammed the taxi into Varis' Spectremobile.  Liara's hand went to Sloane's thigh and gripped it tightly.  Sloane glanced at it and Liara quickly removed her hand and mumbled, "Sorry."

Again Sloane slammed the hovertaxi into Varis' Spectremobile.  This time a lev-engine blew and the Spectremobile began to plummet.  "Aw ye ye!" Sloane shouted as the Spectre's automovehicle crashed into one of Dos Equis numerous skyscrapers's rooftop landing area.  Sloane saw the Asari Spectre, bloodied and limping, get from the hovercar and make her way into the building.

"Land over there Sloane!" Liara said pointing to a spot near the crashed Spectremobile.  Sloane brought the hovertaxi down and the three women got out.  In an instant Shadow Broker mechs were on them, shooting guns and putting up shield and basically being annoying fucks.  Sloane was sick of their shit and uzied the fuck out of them.

"We can't let Varis get away with that disc!" Liara shouted, "Without it I may never find Feron again!"  The Asari Indiana Jones ran off into the building.

Kasumi shook her head and patted Sloane on the shoulder and looked out at her from under her hood, "I'm really sorry Sloane.  This must be terribly hard for you."

Sloane shrugged and said, "It's not so bad.  The view's nice at least."

Kasumi looked up to see Liara's shapely backside swaying with each step.  "Ah you are a woman after my own heart Sloane," Kasumi said as the two women followed after Liara, "You know who has a very nice ass?"

"Who?"

"Jacob Black-Kaidan."

"Ew...for real?" Sloane asked in disbelief.

"Because you're gay right?" Kasumi said, "Trust me if you were even like 5% straight you'd be all over that ass!  I bet he works out a ton."

Sloane laughed for the first time that evening and said, "C'mon."

The inside of the building appeared to be a hotel, but it looked more like a slaughter house.  Slain guests were everywhere and the floors and walls were awash with blood.  Sloane rounded a corner and came to a large vid display playing an Asari porn vid.

"Christ, what is this place?" she asked as she stared transfixed at the humping Asari on the screen.

"Azure," Liara replied, "It's a luxury resort with an exotic edge.  In some areas of Illium Azure is slang for a part of the Asari body."

Sloane raised an eyebrow, "Oh?  Where?"

"Mainly the lower reaches, near the bottom."

Sloane shook her head, "No, I meant, 'Where on the Asari body?'"

An impish smile crossed Liara's lips, "So did I.  Now come on.  I think if we follow the trail of blood and bodies we'll still be able to catch her."

The trio of space heroes was able to do precisely that, following the trail of blood and bodies through the hotel and out onto a rooftop terrace cum eatery at which they finally caught up to Varis.  The Asari Spectre looked like shit.  She was bleeding and haggard it it was obvious her leg was broken or at the very least sprained.

"It's over Varis!" Sloane shouted, "Hand over the disc and walk away."

The Asari shouted, "Never!" and in one swift motion, snatched a human woman in a fancy cocktail dress from a nearby table and placed a blaster pistol to her head.  "How about you three put your guns down and let me walk away or I shoot this woman in the head?"

The woman began to weep, "Please...I have a son.  I'm all he has."

"You heard the woman Shepard.  She has a son.  You wouldn't want to take a boy's mother away would you?" Varis asked with a cruel grin.

"Bitch please!" Sloane exclaimed, "I released xenomorphs on the universe after centuries of them being extinct and ordered the Alliance fleet to attack the cybermen when I knew thousands of my own people would die.  You think I give any fucks at all about some random lady who may or may not have a kid?  LIARA DO IT NOW!"

A large table was suddenly space magicked across the restaurant, smashing into the Spectre.  Varis dropped her gun and her hold on the woman who scampered away after the table crushed Varis.  Again and again the table was slammed into Varis, crusher her into the floor with each blow.  Liara let out a Dragon Ballesque scream and with one final blast of space magic, finished Varis off with the table.  Blood and squished Asari parts oozed from beneath the table as Liara calmly stepped forward and took the disc from the dead Spectre's hand.

"Let's get to the Notmandy!" Liara exclaimed, "We should be able to get to the Shadow Broker's lair in a couple hours and then we can save Feron!  Oh Feron...it shan't be much longer until we are united once more!"

"Dammit Liara!  Stop!" Sloane shouted, "We've been through all this shit together today and you can't even stop for a second to talk about us?"

"Um...this is going to be an awkward personal thing isn't it?" Kasumi asked, "I think I'm going to go pick up Jack back at the Trade Center okay?  I'll see you back on the Notmandy Sloane.  I'm sure I'll have more to talk about."

They watched Kasumi walk off before Liara turned towards Sloane and said, "Do you really want to talk about us?  I mourned you for months Sloane.  I didn't eat.  I didn't talk.  All I did was cry.  For awhile Tali stayed with me, but seeing her somehow made it worse because she reminded me of you and so she left and I was alone with my thoughts.  I knew when you and I Joined that I would leave me at some point, but I never thought it would be a soon as that.  I assumed we would at least have 50 or 60 years together...not months."

"This Feron guy...are you fucking him?" Sloane asked.

"What?!  Goddess no Sloane!  He is just a dear friend!"

"Yeah you keep saying that and it's really weird," Sloane said, "I don't know if it's some Asari term that is fine in Asarian, but in Space English it sounds really weird, like something early 20th century gay people would use to refer to their boy of girlfriend."

"Please Shepard," Liara said, her eyes filled with tears, "It's nothing like that.  He helped me get you back...and for that I need to try to save him.  Please Sloane...I can't do it alone.  I need your help.  Once this is all done with we can talk about this again if you need to."

Sloane looked down at her feet and kicked a bullet casing across the terrace.  "Alright.  Let's go save your dear friend from the clutches of the Shadow Broker."


	31. Mass Effect - S02E11 - Shadowy Brokers on a Shadowy Planet

Sloane Shepard felt like a fucking asshole.  Was it Cerberus' fault that she was untrusting and self-centered or had she always been that way?  She didn't think she been an asshole when she was a Spectre or when she was in the Alliance.  Back on Earth she had been an asshole, but that was a different story.  That was to survive.  If she hadn't been a douchelord back in Cincinnati, she probably wouldn't have been able to feed herself.  

Liara, eyes cast downward, was seated across from her in the landing shuttle as they approached the Shadow Broker's secret spaceship, The Lair, hidden in the eye of a storm that raged on a distant gas giant devoid of natural resources.  Neither had said a word to the other since the shuttle had departed from the Notmandy.  The awkwardness was tangible and Jack huffed as she adjusted her face mask and looked at Sloane.  She looked annoyed.  More annoyed than usual.  Jack apparently didn't do "girl drama." Sloane realized that she should have probably asked Garrus to come instead of Jack. 

"Thirty seconds to drop ladies," the Cerberus pilot said as winds buffeted the small landing craft that approached the massive flying fortress.

Sloane stood and put on her helmet and took up her shotgun before moving toward the door of the dropship.  Jack moved up beside her and whispered, "Hey Shepard, are you going to be fucking weird with her the entire time, because if you're going to be fucking weird with her the entire time I swear to all that is holy that I'm going to throw you off that big ass spaceship alright?"

"I won't be weird Jack, I promise."

"Good because I kind of like you Shepard and wouldn't want to throw you off a big ass spaceship," Jack said, "and before you get really fucking weird I don't mean that I like you like that okay?  Just in a 'you've been cool to me' sort of way alright?"

"I know Jack."

"Ready ladies?" the pilot asked as the doors to the dropship suddenly opened and the fierce winds whirled into the hold.  Sloane gave the pilot a thumbs up and jumped down on The Lair.  She was followed a moment later by Jack and finally Liara.  The shuttle then turned and sped off into the swirling storm.  The pilot's voice came over the earpiece, "We've got the Notmandy nearby Commander.  Radio Joker for a pickup once the package has been secured."

"You got it dude!" Sloane replied, "Fly safe in that shit buddy."

Lightning crashed and an old mother died as the party made their way gingerly over the exterior of The Lair.  The ship was massive and must have taken decades to build in secrecy.  Sloane worried that even if Liara's dear friend Feron was still alive they were going to have a helluva time trying to find him in the hulking starship.

"There should be a service entrance towards the rear of the ship," Liara offered, "Just be careful, there aren't any handrails or anything here."  

Together the three woman pressed on toward the back of the ship, occasionally being attacked by service droids and often having to dodge lightning strikes.  After awhile a siren wailed, audible over the howling winds and battle droids emerged from cubbyholes on the side of the ship.

"They know we're here," Liara said as she waved and arm and sent a pile of droids sailing through the air out into the vast nothingness the surrounded the ship, "We're going to have to fight it out the rest of the way I think."

Sure enough the remaining time spent upon the top of a spaceship flying through a perpetual electric storm consisted of Sloane and company fighting it out with droids and Shadow Broker gunmen and the elements.  It was, more or less, the worst.  Lots of hiding behind spaceship mufflers while robots shot laser guns at them, lighting crashed, and new mothers cried while their placentas fell to the floor.  God, it was awful.  After much gun fighting and several times listening to Live's "Lightning Crashes," the trio of gentlewoman space heroes came at last to a service entrance. The door was, as was to be expected, locked.

Liara stepped forward and placed some sort of zany device on the door. "This will override the lock," she said, "but it will take awhile. We should be ready. The Shadow Broker's men will realize something is amiss once I turn this thing on."

"Remember when you could just glop some omni-goop on a lock and it'd open?" Sloane said getting oddly sentimental for omni-goop and everything it represented. When omni-goop could pick locks Sloane was gainfully employed, well respected, had friends, and knew precisely where she stood with Liara, but now she had none of that.

"A lot of people were angry when the security companies fixed that exploit," Liara said with a slight hint of longing in her voice before exclaiming, "Oh get ready! Here they come!"

A horde of Shadow Broker defenders rushed forward all tough and shit but they got put down hard. "T'soni how much longer on that thing?" Sloane asked as the last defender fell away totally corpsed up.

"As long as it needs to crack the code, Sloane," Liara replied.

"That thing does work though right Liara? You did test it didn't you?" Sloane asked.

"Here comes another wave," Liara said totally ignoring Sloane's question, "Though I don't know why they're coming in waves like this. If they all rushed us at once they could totally wreck house on us."

Sloane sighed and shot her shotgun at one the ship's lightning rods causing a massive electrical discharge that fried the circuits of the battle droids advancing on them. "Please don't give them advice on battle tactics Liara!" Sloane shouted as she slung her shotgun over her shoulder and readied her uzi.

Another wave of droids and guards rushed forward, but Sloane mowed them down with a hail of bullets from her uzi. There were fucked up droid bits all over the goddamn place. It looked like a droid car crash.

There came then a beep, sharp and sudden and the service entrance slid open. Liara's crazy contraption had worked.

"It's time to go!" Sloane shouted.

As Jack dashed through the door she turned, screamed "Fly bitches!" and hurled one last space magic shockwave screaming across the ship's exterior sending a mess of battle droids careening through the air.

"Liara! Come on!" Sloane shouted as she shot her shotgun at a droid creeping ever closer to the Asari Indiana Jones. "BOOYAH!" screamed the gun as it tore the battle droid's head shaped robochunk clear off its droid shoulders. Liara seemed oblivious and merely continued hurling blackholes about at the seemingly endless stream of attack droids that were emerging from cubbyholes. Sloane muttered, "For fuck's sake," slung her shotgun over her shoulder and grabbed Liara by the collar.

She pulled at Liara's collar, dragging Indiana Jones but an Asari away from the attack droids and through the service entrance. As soon as Sloane and Liara were through Jack punched the control panel and the service door slammed shut. They had gotten aboard The Lair.

* * *

Creepyass transmissions echoed through the halls of The Lair like the whispers of ghosts adding to the menacing atmosphere of the entire situation. Sloane had no idea what she would find around the next corner and yet she pressed on...for Liara.

"Feron will be in the prison area," Liara said, "We are headed in the right direction.  I feel that he is close."

Sloane held her tongue. If Liara could feel Feron's presence there was a good possibility the two at least brain fuckled, unless of course she was just being hyperbolic. Fuck! Sloane wished she'd never asked the Illusive Smoking Man to track down Liara for her.

A blast of blaster fire brought Sloane back to the business at hand. She needed to focus on the mission. Her emotional bullshit could wait until she was back on the Notmandy. Sloane drew her uzi and pulled the trigger spitting a barrage of bullets down the hall at the droids that had fired at her a moment earlier, tearing them apart.  The robotic fighting men were scarcely a match for two of the most powerful bionics in the galaxy and also a former Spectre with an uzi. They all exploded real quick and real properly. Robotic death.

Onward through the halls of creepy mumbling and displays playing weird ass found footage of "Satanists" and "Ghosts," the trio of women pressed, coming, after awhile, to a large room in the center of which was some sort of space frogman dressed like an extra from The Matrix strapped into an S&M chair.  Apparently the Shadow Broker was big into bondage.  A pair of robocops popped up to try and prevent Sloane and her crew from seeing the space frogman trussed up in the bondage chair, but Liara was all like, "It's my dear friend, Feron!" and so the trio put the robocops on blast.  With the robocops dead, Liara ran to the space frogman in Neil from The Matrix cosplay and tried to get him out of the bondage chair, but electricity happened.

"It's electric! Boogie woogie, woogie!" the space frogman croaked, "You need to shut down the central power supply.  If you try to take me out of the chair in its current state my brain will get fried to a crisp.  I've got to move. Come let me take you on a party ride and I'll teach you, teach you, teach you...I'll teach you the electric slide."

Sloane felt some pity for the frogman dressed like he was attending a sci-fi convention in 2002, because it was clear his brain was totally fucked and not in the good Asari brain fuckling kind of way either.  She looked at Liara and saw that she was on the verge of tears.  It was obvious that there was something going on between the two and for the first time Sloane wasn't bothered by it.  If this frogman in leather gimp wear made Liara happy then that was good enough for Sloane.

"Liara...come on.  Let's go find the central power supply and get him out of here alright?" Sloane said.

"Thank you..." the space frog croaked weakly, "You will find the central power supply conveniently located down that hall right there.  Turn off the power and then you should be able to disconnect all these humblers and bondage stuff and let me out of here without turning my brain in soup."

"Alright mang, just hang tight here for awhile longer okay?" Sloane said, "We'll go turn off that thing and be back in two shakes of a puppy dog's tail."

The trio of women made their way down the hall and opened the door to the room the space frog guy had indicated to be the one housing the central power supply and discovered that was not all it contained, for there in the center of the room seated at an overlarge bank of vid monitors was a massive ogre.  Not Doctor Ogre from a couple episodes ago, but an actual ogre...like the kind that ripped King Crux in half in Dragon Age Origins.  This ogre seemed slightly smart than that one though for he was able to speak space English.

"Liara T'Soni, it is quite nice of you to bring back what you stole from me and a gift as well!  Yes, Subject Zero will fetch nearly as much as Miss Shepard.  I am afraid that neither will be enough for you to escape the fate that awaits you," the ogre growled menacingly.

A light bulb appeared above Sloane's head in what scholars would later declare to be, "a real 'Ah-ha!' moment," and she said, "Wait a second...this ogre thing is the Shadow Broker?  That's totally fucked up.  I pictured like a demon alien or maybe an Asari or something.  Not some crazy ogre thing I never saw before."

"Yes, ogres.  They are a pre-flight species from a distant planet known as Thedas.  This one must have been brought aboard this ship be the previous Shadow Broker as a servant...or perhaps a pet close to a century ago and after the previous Shadow Broker died sixty-two years and thirteen days ago today, this beast took over and has been acting as Shadow Broker ever since," Liara said.  The ogre's jaw dropped in shock and Liara with a smirk said, "I know stuff too Shadow Broker."

"It doesn't matter.  You'll die here and no one will ever know my secret," the Shadow Broker grumbled, "I wonder if you three will last as long as the drell.  Two years is a long time to be strapped into the humbler.  Perhaps Subject Zero can endure...she's been through similar stresses before, but you two look soft...weak.  Let's do this!"

The Shadow Broker shot a bionic blast at Jack catching her unaware and slamming her into a bookshelf that collapsed on top of her.  She was knocked the fuck out before the fight even properly began.  Sloane dove behind a space crate and drew her shotgun and aimed at the rampaging ogre, but the fiend hit a button on his Power Glove causing a knight of code shield to appear.  In an instant, Sloane's shotgun blasts were deflected leaving the ogre unharmed.  The asshole was good with the shield, blocking everything she and Liara threw at him.

"Oh fuck this," Sloane said as she stood from behind the space crate and charged the ogre.  She pulled back her fist and then BAM! fist met face as she punched the Shadow Broker right in the mouth.  The fiendish lord of secrets howled in agony as again and again Sloane punched him in the face and kidneys.  Sloane wasn't the best at hand to hand combat, but while growing up on the streets of Cincinnati she'd learned how to throw a punch and that knowledge was coming in handy as she turned the ogre's face into a mess of swollen lumps.

"Hit him again Sloane!" Liara cried out, "If you can get him to raise his shield I can finish him off!"

Sloane's fists flew.  She pounded on the ogre like a pugilist until at last the great beast brought up his knight of the code shield in an effort to prevent Sloane from punching on his face.  There was a sudden cracking sound and Sloane looked up.  The idiot had smashed his shield into the central power supply.  Electricity pulsed through the ogre and lightning flashed.  The ogre screamed and then collapsed in a heap of bones.  The Shadow Broker was dead.

The hum of the ship ceased for a brief moment as the power cut off.  Out in the sex dungeon, Feron was able to free himself from the humbler.  A moment later the backup generators hummed to life and the lights came back on in the Shadow Broker's office.As Sloane helped Jack back to her feet the bank of terminals began squawking with voices inquiring as to what had happened.

"Shadow Broker what's the situation?We lost comlink with you for a moment," dozens of voices cried out.

And as Sloane asked Jack, "You alright man?" Liara T'soni took up the Shadow Broker's echo mic and said, "We experienced a brief power outage from an overloaded circuit but it has been rectified.I want status reports from every operative in the next solar hour.End transmission."

Sloane and Jack looked at one another with faces of utter surprise."I bet you wish she was just fucking that dude now don't you?" Jack asked.

"Liara, for real, what the fuck?" Sloane said, "You're not seriously going to go through with this are you?That was just a panic thing when you acted like you were the Shadow Broker right?"

Liara bit her lower lip and looked at Sloane with puppy dog eyes.  "I've been thinking about it and wouldn't it be great if you had access to all the Shadow Broker's secrets?  Well, if I were Shadow Broker you totally would!  Isn't that amazing?"

"What?  No!" Sloane said, "I only agreed to come here because I thought you were fucking that dude and figured if you weren't interested in me anymore the least I could do was help you get your boyfriend back, but this?  Becoming the new Shadow Broker?  It's crazy!  You'll be stuck on this stupid spaceship and people will want you dead and search you out and..."

Liara touched Sloane's face gently.  "Sloane, I promise I will be careful.  I will be a Shadow Broker with a conscience," she said, "and I will have Feron to help me here."

"Wait, what?  So Feron's staying here with you?"

"Yup," croaked a familiar froglike voice.  Sloane looked to her left to see Feron standing there.

"Jesus when did you show up?" Sloane asked in surprise.

"Couple minutes ago," Feron replied.

Sloane shook his hand, "Alright man...the better person won the day I guess.  Liara's picked you and I'll respect that, but I want you to promise to treat her right.  She's a good woman...she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.  Can you promise me that Feron?"

"Uh yeah I guess so, but we're not...what's the expression you humans use? Ah yes, 'doing it.'  Liara and I are not doing it," Feron said, "I prefer a partner with a little more cock if you catch my meaning."

Jack laughed.  "Oh my god Shepard, you are a fucking idiot!  All those emo hysterics and crying  about some dude stealing your girlfriend and it turns out he's gay."

Liara smirked, "I told you many times, Sloane, that Feron is merely my dear friend."

Sloane suddenly felt like an asshole again.  "I should have trusted you Liara.  It's just in the two years I was dead everything else changed so much I couldn't help but assume your feelings about me changed too," she said.

"Maybe they have Sloane," Liara said, "and maybe they haven't.  Two years is a very long time.  Perhaps we should start at the very beginning again and see how things go from there."

"You want me to save you from a Krogan warlord in some Ancient Alien ruins again?" Sloane said, "That might be hard to arrange...I don't even have the Space Car anymore."

Liara laughed and playfully hit Sloane in the shoulder, "Perhaps drinks then?"

"Drinks will be fine.  I have a spaceship you know.  We've got a pretty decent stock of wine and liquor," Sloane said, "You should come take a tour sometime."

"How about now?" Liara asked.

"Sure.  Now's good."

"Okay.  Let me just get my things and we can go," Liara said.  

Liara sauntered off into another room and Jack cast Sloane a sideways glance before asking, "What things do you think she's talking about?  We brought her here on the Notmandy and I don't remember her having anything with her except her clothes, her pistol, and a rebreather when we jumped out of the landing craft."

Sloane shrugged, "Sexy underwear maybe?"

Jack rolled her eyes, "Okay...but why would she have sexy underwear on this ship she literally just got on like 30 minutes ago?  Isn't that kind of a weird plothole?"

"Liara randomly having a thong and some fishnets on a spaceship she just got on makes a helluva lot more sense then my inability to quit working for Cerberus," Sloane replied, "Sometimes we just have to roll with it."

* * *

Her heart beating an Afro-Cuban beat out in her chest, Sloane Shepard sat on the edge of her bed and waited.  Liara had wanted a tour of the ship and so Sloane had sent her to tour the ship with Yeoman Kelly Chambers while she showered and changed out of her filthy body armor.  She felt foolish wearing the cocktail dress Kasumi had given her when the pulled a heist together in the early part of the season, but she wanted to impress Liara.  She stood and walked over to the sofa to check the wine glasses for the third time.  They were still free of fingerprints.

There was a rap at the door and Sloane opened it to see Liara, dressed in a formfitting traditional Asari gown, standing beside Yeoman Kelly Chambers.  The petite redheaded yeoman saluted halfheartedly to Sloane and then turned to Liara and said, "And here, Doctor T'soni, is Commander Shepard's chambers.  This is the last stop on our tour of the Notmandy and it is here I shall take my leave.  I wish you both a pleasant evening."

"Thank you again Kelly," Liara said as she entered the room.

"Yes," Sloane said, "Thank you very much Kelly."

"It was my pleasure Commander," Kelly said and again saluted like a child playing solider, which was, perhaps, not all that far from the truth in Kelly Chambers' case.  She then turned and walked back to the elevator.

Sloane closed the door and walked to the coffee table and poured two glasses of wine.  She handed one to Liara who smiled and said, "Miss Chambers is rather charming isn't she?  I must confess I very nearly asked her to bring me back to her chambers instead of here."

"I think she sleeps in a bunk bed in a room with like 20 other people," Sloane said with a nervous laugh, "You're probably better off here."

Liara took a sip from her wine and said, "You are probably right.  You look nice tonight by the way."  She sounded nervous.

"Uh...thank you.  You look nice too," Sloane said.  Why did she feel so nervous?  She had done things with Liara she hadn't done with anyone else and yet she felt like she was 14 years old again trying to tell the girl in the bunk next to her's at Saint Janelle Monae's Home For Wayward Girls that she thought she liked her and wanted kiss her.

"You know, I don't think I've ever seen you not in scuzzy battle armor or unflattering jumpsuits before," Liara said as she sipped her wine.

Sloane smiled and said, "That's not really true Liara.  You've seen me naked a bunch of times."  Liara gasped and seemed to redden in the face.  "Are you blushing Doctor T'soni?"

"No, I think it's this wine maybe.  This isn't Quarian wine is it?  You and I shouldn't be drinking it if it is."

"No it's from an human colony I think.  Don't worry."

Liara put her glass down, "I can't do that Sloane.  Not worry I mean.  I lost you once already and it hurt me more than anything else in my life.  It was a worse sort of hurt than even being a party to my own mother's death.  And now, you're about to fly this ship off into the Omega 4 Relay.  There has never been a ship that has gone through that Relay and returned to tell the tale Sloane.  So you can see why I'm worried."

"I understand Liara, but there's something you have to remember: I'm Sloane Shepard!  I've cheated death more times than I can count.  How many times did I crash the Space Car?  How many times did a space worm almost eat me alive?  How many times have I been shot?  Space magicked? Driven a spacecar through a Conduit?  Fought cybermen hordes?  So believe me Liara I will come back from this in one piece and you and I will have a bunch of little blue babies and we'll live happily ever after back on Illium or in your creepy peeping Tom Shadow Broker spaceship or wherever you want to live, though I'd advise against Earth since it's a dump and the schools aren't very good."

Liara pouted and said, "You're just saying that.  You're going to have to do more than that to convince me."

ASS GRAB!!!

"How about this?" Sloane asked grinning rakishly.

"That's a pretty good start..."


	32. Mass Effect - S02E12 - Assassin of Death

Sloane sat alone with her thoughts at a table in the mess hall. She still had no idea what the fuck was going on with her and Liara. They'd fucked like it was the end of the world the night before, but that morning when Sloane had awoken Liara was already gone, back, most likely, to her newfound job as Shadow Broker.

"Shepard, there's something I needed to talk to you about." Sloane looked up to see a pair of milky white bosoms spilling out of a barely zipped catsuit. Miranda Australian.

"The fuck do you want Miranda?" Sloane asked angrily as she spooned a spoonful of Space Quaker Oat Squares into her mouth. She was not in the mood for Miranda's shit.

"Fuck..." Miranda muttered under her breath, "I thought getting laid would have turned you into less of a bitch. Guess I was wrong."

Sloane stammered, "What? How do you? I don't even..."

"Look, if you want to bring hookers back from Dos Equis with you that's your business, just don't be surprised when other people talk about it."

Sloane slammed down her spoon causing everyone in the mess hall to look at her. Sloane shouted, "You fucking moron! That was Doctor Liara T'soni!" She didn't care who was looking.

Miranda's face went red with embarrassment. "I see. I just assumed she was a hooker seeing how she slipped off the ship before dawn without talking to you or anyone else. So much for 'true love,' huh?"

Sloane gritted her teeth. "Again I ask, what the fuck do you want?" Sloane spat, "Because you sure as fuck didn't come here to talk to me about who I'm fucking."

"No," Miranda said, "No I didn't. It's the Illusive Smoking Man...he's a little disappointed with your progress. He gave you a list of operatives to pick up in Illium and instead of taking care of that you're 'off whoring.' Uh...his words, not mine. So maybe if we could pick up one of those operatives at least he'd get off my ass."

A scowl crossed Sloane's lips and she muttered, "Fine. We can go after I eat." She then picked up her spoon and looked down. The delectably crisp squares of oats and brown sugar had turned in an unappetizing brown sludge during their conversation. She pushed the bowl away and stood up. "Go get your shit Miranda we're leaving now."

* * *

The Port Authority of Dos Equis was abuzz with activity. Countless Asari and alien traders milled about as Jack pushed her way through the throng a few steps ahead of Sloane.

"That's exactly why I don't do relationships Shepard," Jack said as she shoved a Volus out of her way, "That shit is fucked, just leaving like that in the middle of the night. Did she even leave you a note?"

"No."

"That's seriously messed up dude. You're probably better off without her. Besides that Kelly chick is totally into you. I think it's a little weird the way she dresses exactly like you but maybe you're into that sort of shit."

"That's a uniform Jack. We all wear it."

"Not Busty McTits back there..."

Sloane rolled her eyes, "Kelly's just my secretary. I don't know why everyone keeps saying that she's into me."

"Jesus Shepard! You're not really that dense are you? Do you not see the way she eye fucks you when we come back from some dangerous mission?" Jack asked, "That sure as shit isn't for me...though it could be for Kasumi I suppose. It doesn't matter though Shepard...just try not to think about that blue bitch right now okay? We've got shit to do and I'd rather not get shot because you're distracted by Asari pussy."

Several nearby Asari stared at Jack in disgust. Jack shrugged at them and pushed by another gaggle of Voluses and stepped up to the Port Authority desk. There was an assassin in Dos Equis that the Illusive Smoking Man wanted on the team and apparently the young woman working at the Port Authority knew where to find him.

"Hey you," Jack said banging on the counter to get the low level civil servant's attention, "We're looking for some kind of assassin. He's apparently here in Dos Equis and the rumor is you know where he's at."

The young Asari woman glared at Jack and stood up and snatched a pack of cigarettes up off her desk. She turned to her coworker, an older matronly looking Asari woman and said, "I'm going out for a smoke Meredith," as she walked past she motioned for Jack to follow.

Outside the building the young Asari woman lit a cigarette and took a drag. "Shit...are you trying to get me fired?" she asked her eyes shooting daggers at Jack.

"My companion can be a little blunt sometimes," Sloane said, "but we need to find this assassin."

The Asari civil servant took another drag and exhaled slowly. "You going to stop him?" she asked.

"I don't know," Sloane said, "I guess it depends on the target."

"A real bitch. That's who. That's why I let him into the city. He straight up told me who he was after and I just let him in. He was just like, 'Hello. My name is Thane and I am here to assassinate Nassana Dantius,' and I was like, 'Sure thing Mister Spacefrogman. I hope you kill that bitch.'"

Nassana Dantius. The name sounded familiar. Sloane vaguely recalled killing another Dantius girl, a slaver, on a remote planet with Tali and Ashley and later being paid by her elder sister, a Citadel politician, for doing her a solid and preventing rival politicos from uncovering the truth about her sister. It seemed like it happened a million years ago. Sloane wonder if this Dantius was related to those two or was Dantius just a really common Asari surname, like Shepard back on Earth.

The Asari dropped the butt of her cigarette on the ground and ground it into the pavement. "If you want to find him he's going to be at Dantius Towers tonight to, you know, ice that bitch," the civil servant said, "I doubt he'll stick around after taking her out so that's probably your best bet. Anyway I gotta get back to work or Meredith will have my head."

"How can I get to Dantius Towers?" Sloane asked as the Asari woman turned back toward the Port Authority building.

"Just get a taxi," the civil servant said, "Oh and one more thing, do you think your friend would want to get a drink sometime? She's kind of cute."

"Who, Busty McTits?"

The Asari civil servant laughed, "Goddess no! That one's a little 'common' for my tastes. I meant the intense one with the tattoos."

* * *

Night had come to Dos Equis and the lights of the city glowed all about. Sloane looked out the window of the taxi at the city lights below and tried to put thoughts of Liara out of her mind. The half finished Dantius Towers loomed in the distance.

"This should be pretty easy," Miranda said as the hover taxi broke off from the stream of hovercar traffic and began its wide looping descent toward Dantius Towers, "We just go in and wait outside Nassana's office for this Thane character to show up. Easy peasey!"

"When has anything we've done been easy peasey Miranda?" Sloane asked with a wry grin, "There's probably a Collector warship in that tower or some phony moral conundrum. Everyone stay on your toes."

The taxi alighted outside the tower and Miranda paid the fare. As the three women disembarked from the cab the sound of gunfire echoed through the still night air and a moment later a group of demon aliens in hard hats and coveralls came dashing out of the front doors of the half completed tower robodogs nipping at their heels.

"Easy peasey," Sloane said mockingly as she shotgunned a robodog into its component parts.

Before the robodogs had even finished whimpering their dying zeroes and ones heavily armed Asari clad in the uniforms of the Second Sons emerged from the building and joined in the firefight. Sloane crouched behind a rubbish bin and tossed a chunk of space magic at the mercs sending them ass over teakettle.

The fighting scarcely let up for more than a moment for the towers were crawling with Second Son mercenaries that one of the fleeing construction workers were hired by Nassana Dantius to kill the construction workers instead of paying them overtime. Sloane was quickly coming to understand why that civil servant thought Nassana was a bitch and why someone would go to the trouble of hiring an assassin to wreck house on her shit.

Up the tower the three women fought. Wrecking house on Second Son mercenaries, robodogs, and battle droids and saving parties of demon alien construction workers while looking for the assassin. Their luck in locating the assassin was, however, lacking and few were able to offer any insight into where the mysterious killer might have been and so the space heroes continued up the half finished towers.

At last they came to the offices of Nassana Dantius. Sloane kicked in the door and she and her companions entered, swaggering as though they owned the place, which perhaps they did in the figurative sense. A well dressed Asari woman stood from behind a desk surrounded by a mess of Second Son mercs.

"Sloane Shepard! You're the assassin?" the Asari woman exclaimed.

"How do you know my name?" Sloane asked her uzi pointed at the woman's head.

"We met on the Citadel a couple of years ago. You killed my sister for me.  She was a slaver and would have ruined my political career if anyone found out," the woman said before adding, "I thought you died."

"I got better," Sloane said with a sly smirk.

"Well I'm glad it's you," Nassana said, "You seemed to be a reasonable woman when we last met. Perhaps we could make a deal that would benefit both of us."

Sloane shook her head. "Nassana, I'm not the assassin, but even if I was I wouldn't make any sort of deal with you. It's one thing to want a slaver dead, but to kill workers so you wouldn't have to pay them overtime? That shit is fucked."

"They would have gotten time and a half!" Nassana exclaimed, "Hiring mercs to kill them was cheaper than paying them. It was just business."

Jack drew her pistol and aimed it at the Asari woman's head. "Do we have to wait for the assassin to come and waste this bitch? I kind of want to kill her now."

There was a slight breeze and two of the Second Son mercs fell to the floor clutching at their necks as blood spurted from bullet holes. The remaining mercs aimed their guns at Jack who shouted, "That wasn't even me!" Again a light breeze brushed past Sloane and there was a faint ping and the remaining Second Sons fell, gasping as their hearts beat for the final time.

Nassana stood alone at her desk. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could utter a single syllable there was a shot and she collapsed on the desk. Blood oozed from the wounds where the bullet had entered and exited her head and spread out across the top of the elegant executive's desk. Standing behind the Asari's slumped over body was a space frogman clad in the garb of Neil from the Matrix. He uttered a prayer and bowed slightly toward the corpse.

"Fuck me...he' got 'spirituality' as his plot," Sloane muttered under her breath as the space frogman finished his prayer.

"You must be Sloane Shepard," the frogman said, "So loud. So violent. So destructive. You were a rather splendid distraction tonight."

"So you used me? Nice..." Sloane said sarcastically, "So, I guess Cerberus hired you to work for me or something. So welcome to the team or whatever."

The space frogman bowed and said, "I have done much evil in my lifetime and death approaches, drawing nearer every moment. When I heard of your mission, Sloane Shepard, I agreed to join your organization. Assisting on quest such as yours might be the only way to atone for my sins before I return to the Ocean."

Sloane sighed. His entire plot was spirituality and redemption. She knew in her heart that this was going to be terrible, but tried to look at the bright side of it: at least if someone needed to make a noble sacrifice in the final battle this space frogman would probably volunteer to do it.

"Welcome aboard...uh..." she paused, not knowing the frogman's name.

"Thane."

Sloane welcomed the frogman, "Welcome aboard Thane. We're parked at the docks. Get your stuff and we'll meet you back on the Notmandy."

This was going to suck so bad.


	33. Mass Effect - S02E13 - Ghost Ship

Sloane stared at her bowl of oatmeal and tried not to vomit. Her head throbbed and her stomach roiled. She tried to remember how much she'd drank the night before but vast swaths of the previous night were a blank. She vaguely recalled going to a bar with Jack and Miranda after they met the assassin, Thane, and convinced him to join their party, but after that was more or less a blur.

As Sloane pondered oatmeal and how to best avoid barfing a loud crash suddenly came from Miranda's office, followed by yelling. Another crash followed soon thereafter.  Sloane slowly stood and walked across the mess hall to Miranda's office to see what the hell was going on.  Sloane opened the door to see smashed furniture lay scattered about the room and Miranda cowered in the corner as Jack stood over her bionically hoisting Miranda's leatherette middle-manager throne over her head.

"I'll kill you bitch!" Jack shouted menacingly.

"Jack!" Sloane shouted and closed her eyes tightly as blinding pain shot through her head, "What the fuck is going on here?"

Jack turned and looked at Sloane and lowered the throne.  "Shepard I'm glad you're here man.  What do you remember from last night?" she asked.

"Not a lot to be honest.  Uh...we went to that bar with that lady from the Port Authority and um...there was that Terrarium we made fun of who was trying to mack it to that Quarian girl.  There was a bartender lady who was 800 years old that I may have made out with...wait, did I make out with an 800 year old Asari matriarch?"

"Shit Shepard I don't about that but check this shit out," Jack replied and then handed Sloane her data pad.  

Sloane took the data pad from Jack and glanced at it and saw a holo of the three women together in a warehouse with their guns drawn.  Sloane and Jack both looked drunk as shit in the holo.  Sloane scrolled through the holos and saw more of the same sort of thing.  Pictures of her and Jack and Miranda shooting guns and fighting droids and punching out mercs.  "What is this?" Sloane asked as she scrolled through the images, "Did we do a job last night?"

"That's exactly what happened man," Jack replied, "She totally talked us into doing a mission when we were both shitfaced."

Sloane glanced at a holo of her punching a merc dressed in a Second Sons uniform and then back to Miranda and shook her head.  "That wasn't cool Miranda.  We could have fucked up badly in our drunken condition," Sloane said sternly, "What was it that was so important that you couldn't wait until we were sober?"

Miranda looked up at Sloane, her large genetically enhanced eyes moist with dewy tears, and said, "You helped me save my sister and her foster family from the clutches of my asshole father and his minions."

Sloane felt a pang of sympathy for the 13% plastic woman and said, "Jack, why don't you go sleep off your hangover."

"Whatever Shepard," the tattooed bionic criminal replied as she tossed the the leatherette middle-manager's throne aside and snatched the data pad out of Sloane's hands. She scowled at Miranda and said, "I swear to Christ I will cut your throat if you try something like that again Miranda!" before stomping out of the room.

Sloane offered Miranda her hand and helped her to her feet. "You could have asked us for help you know," Sloane said.

Miranda wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Could I have? No one on this ship likes me Shepard. Not you. Not Jack. Not even the Cerberus crew," she said sadly, "If I had asked you for help when you were sober what would you have said?"

"I'd probably have told you to fuck off and bring up the fact that you're forcing me to work for your crazy terrorist organization against my will," Sloane said bluntly as she bent to pick up one of the toppled chairs.

"I know I've been a bitch to you Shepard, but my sister is completely innocent but would have suffered because of mistakes I made," Miranda said, "So I waited until you were drunk to ask. I hope you can forgive me."

"For getting me drunk and pointing me at mercs to kill so you could save your sister? Yeah I can forgive you for that," Sloane said.

"Thank you Shepard."

"One more thing. You were sober the entire time right?" Sloane asked.

"Yeah I just had a glass of wine when we first got there."

"Do you know if I made out with that matriarch or not?"

Miranda nodded. "Yeah, but it didn't go any further than that. She wouldn't let you have sex with her because she'd just cleaned off the bar counter."

"Makes sense," Sloane said, "I'll see you around Miranda."

She stepped out of Miranda's office, back into the mess hall. She wasn't precisely eager to return to her cold bowl of oatmeal, but when her com beeped as she walked back to her table and Kelly, speaking over the com, told her that the Illusive Smoking Man needed to talk with her at once she found herself longing for that cold slop.

* * *

A disabled Collector ship drifted a short way away. The ship looming in the distance had been what the Illusive Smoking Man had needed to speak to her about so urgently, oatmeal and hangovers be damned. A Terrarium space police cruiser had apparently disabled the ship before getting their own shit wrecked and sending out a distress signal; a distress signal that the Illusive Smoking Man had intercepted.

Sloane basically had to get into the ship and download the ship's computer if they had any hope of defeating the Collectors. Looking at the massive ship off in the distance she couldn't help but worry. Even though the Terrariums had disabled the ship there was still a good chance that the thing was crawling with Collectors. She figured at the very least it would give her a chance to see what Thane could do.

The space frogman gave her a knowing nod and slid a bullet clip into his gun. Beside him Kasumi sat silently, her hood pulled down over her eyes. Sloane couldn't tell if she was deep in meditation or just asleep.

Silently the landing craft drifted up to the Collector vessel and into the breach in the larger ship's hull. The landing craft alighted and came to a rest.

"Joker, put EDI on the phone," Sloane said into her com as she picked up her shotgun.

"I'm here Shepard," came EDI's reply.

"What sort of readings are you getting here?" Shepard asked, "Lifeform readings I mean."

"Sensors are not detecting any life on the Collector vessel save for you, Mr. Thane and Miss Goto," came EDI's reply, "Though my data on Collector physiology is rather limited and thus I would suggest proceeding with caution."

"Thanks EDI," Sloane said as she and her companions exited the landing shuttle, "Stay on the line though, I'm going to need you to download the ship's computer database once I find a terminal to hack into."

"I understand Shepard."

The interior of the Collector ship looked less like a starship and more like innards of some great beast. The corridors seemed to pulse and drip with organic matter. She imagined that this is what Innerspace doctors experienced when they shrunk down to enter a patient's body.

"Shepard, have a look at this," Thane said pointing to a heap of bodies near where he stood. "They appear to be human," the frogman added, stating the obvious.

"That's pretty messed up," Kasumi said, "Just tossing their bodies in a pile like that."

Sloane glanced at the bodies. Some were dressed in the style that seemed to be popular on USA 2 but others wore garments unfamiliar to Sloane. She'd make the Collectors pay for this. Sloane didn't want to spend a moment longer on the ship than she had to.

As they pressed on Sloane's com clicked on and EDI's synthetic voice filled her ears. "Shepard, I've done readings on the vessel's energy signature and discovered something odd."

"That this ship is the one that attacked USA 2?" Sloane asked, "We figured that out as well."

"It's more than that, I ran the data against data recovered from the Normandy and it seems that this vessel's energy signature is identical to that of the vessel that destroyed the Normandy," the AI said.

It was like a punch in the throat. "So you're saying this one ship has been fucking with me for like two plus years?"

"It does appear that way Shepard," came EDI's reply, "and knowing that I would advise continued vigilance while aboard that vessel."

Sloane agreed and clutched her shotgun tightly as she and her companions continued down deserted intestine like halls. What could the Collectors possible want with her? First Liara had revealed that the Shadow Broker had tried to sell her corpse to them and now it seemed that this one ship was following her about the galaxy. She felt uneasy. The quicker she could get off the Collector ship, the better.

Fortunately a short way up ahead there seemed to be a terminal. Beside the terminal were several cocoon like pods. One had split open revealing a deceased Collector inside.

"I have a bad feeling about this Shepard," Thane said as he glanced at the Collector in the pod uneasily.

Sloane took out her Power Glove and connected it to the terminal and then hailed EDI. "I've found a terminal EDI. You're linked in now."

"I'm downloading the system data now," the computerized woman's voice said. Sloane watched the "Percent Complete," readout on her Power Glove climb and a moment later EDI voice come over the com, "Shepard, that terminal seemed to have been a closed system separate from the ship's mainframe. Though the data I've gleaned may prove helpful anyway. It seems the Collectors were doing genetic research on themselves."

"And?" Sloane asked.

EDI, being a computer, did not seem particularly skilled at the dramatic pause and thus blurted out, "It seems that perhaps history was somewhat hasty in declaring the Ancient Aliens extinct. The Collector DNA data I have gathered from that system is a 97% match with known Ancient Alien DNA strands."

"I would have pictures something a bit less bug like and a bit more gigantic for the Ancient Aliens," Kasumi said as she glanced at the expired Collector in the pod with revulsion.

"We'll find another terminal EDI," Sloane said as she and her party started off again, "Stay online alright?"

"Of course Shepard," came EDI's reply.

Down the halls the three space heroes continued. A sense of foreboding hung in the air like a fog. Glancing up Sloane noticed thousands of pods similar to the one they had seen beside the terminal a moment earlier hanging from the ceiling. If even a minuscule fraction of them still contained viable Collectors this mission could go to shit in an instant. She tried to put such thoughts out of her head.

"Shepard, my sensors are detecting something in the next chamber," EDI said over the com, "I believe it could be the ship's central terminal. I am also picking up some signal interference of an unknown origin. Please proceed with caution."

She readied her shotgun and strode into the chamber like a boss. Before her in the great chamber was a grand computer terminal. Sloane slid her fist into her Power Glove and connected to the terminal.

"I'm uploading the data now EDI," Sloane said and proceeded to do that very thing.  The data transferred, but as it completed her Power Glove suddenly glitched the fuck out.

_Glitch_

As the Power Glove glitched the fuck out and EDI went offline a siren suddenly wailed somewhere on the Collector ship and weird floating platforms flew into view.  Each of the platforms carried on it a mess of Collectors, ready to wreck house on Sloane and her companions.  Sloane readied her shotgun and shot the Collector piloting the nearest floating platform causing it to veer to the side and slam into another weird floating platforms, causing both to crash to the floor of the chamber in a fiery wreck.

"EDI are you alright?" Sloane shouted into her com as she put Collectors on blast.  "Joker?"

"Yeah we're here."  It was Joker.  "That data caused EDI to glitch the fuck out.  She's rebooting now.  What the shit's going on there Commander?"

"We got a situation here and we're going to need a pickup...if we can get out of this alive!" Sloane shouted as she pulled out her uzi and sent a barrage of bullets into the crowd of Collectors jumping down from the floating platforms.

"Alright Commander I'll get the Notmandy into position.  EDI's back online, I'm patching her through to you," Joker said.

Sloane continued firing her uzi at the near endless stream of Collectors leaping down on her from the weird floating platforms as her AI, EDI came on the com and said, "My apologies Shepard, a stray bit of code from the Collector ship caused my system to temporarily glitch the fuck out, but Mister Moreau blew in me and that seems to have cleared everything up.  I am picking up countless lifeform readings now, but I assume you already are aware of that fact.  I am plotting an escape route for you now.  Go straight and go through the door at the far end of the chamber.  I do not wish to put undue stress on you Shepard, but the Collector ship seems to be arming its cannon "

Sloane motioned for Thane and Kasumi to follow and together the trio fought their way across the chamber.  As they passed through the door EDI gave further instructions, "Go through the door on the left here Shepard."  Sloane continued down the path EDI had plotted, stopping only to gun down Collectors who tried to step to her.  As Sloane walked and shot a shot gun and tossed space magic chunks at her foes, EDI continued to feed her directions over the com: "Go left here," "Take a right," "Go down that ramp," "Take the second left after you pass the McDonald's."

As they neared the hangar they'd landed the landing craft in EDI once again came over the com, "Shepard, I examined the Terrarium distress call and our onboard verification software determined the message was not sent directly over the Terrarium distress call channel.  It had been sent over a proxy replicating the Terrarium distress call channel.  The Illusive Smoking Man's own scanners are quite possibly more advanced than what we have aboard the Notmandy, I am certain there is no way thehe would have not caught that fact, which means..."

"Which means we've been played for chumps," Sloane muttered, "That motherfucker is going to pay for this."

With revenge on her mind, Sloane began to run toward the landing shuttle at the far end of the hangar when suddenly a weird voice mumbled, "TAKING CONTROL!" and a standard issue Collector standing near the landing craft suddenly began to weirdly glow.  The glowing Collector continued to mumble weird shit about, "ASSIMILATION!" and how Sloane had "NO HOPE TO SURVIVE!"  Sloane had had it with this Collector bullshit and swung her Arc Blaster off her shoulder, aimed and fired.  An arc of arc blast blasted forth from the Arc Blaster and arced across the hangar, striking the glowing Collector in the chest.  The arc blast arced through the Collector's body causing it to explode in a blast of Collector goop.

"Uh Commander, not to rush you or anything," Joker said over the com as the Collector goop from the arc blastered Collector splattered against the side of the landing craft, "but that big ass gun on the Collector ship, you know the one that cut the Normandy in two awhile back, is starting to glow.  So if you could please hurry it would really be appreciated.  I really don't want to get another space ship.  This one's got really nice chairs."

"C'mon guys!  Let's double time it!" Sloane shouted as she and her companions ran across the hangar to the landing craft and jumped in.  Sloane floored it and the landing craft shot out of the Collector ship like a dart right into the Notmandy's docking bay.  Sloane ran from the lower level of the Notmandy to the cockpit, not stopping to even take off her rebreather helmet.

"Hey Commander, glad to see you're not dead," Joker said, "but that might be a short lived condition if I don't get out of here fast."

"Just do a Mass Effect Joker and get us out of here!" Sloane shouted.

"Traveling through Mass Effect isn't like making out with an Asari, Commander! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end our trip real quick, wouldn't it?" Joker said as he glanced at EDI furtively.  A laser blast from the Collector ship streaked by.

"Mass Effect to these coordinates Mister Moreau," EDI said.  A series of numbers appeared on the monitor before Joker and the pilot quickly punched something into the navi-computer and the ship lurched forward into the Mass Effect.

* * *

Sloane walked into the communication room determined.  She and the Illusive Smoking Man were going to have words.  The Notmandy was lucky that they'd survived the trap that the Illusive Smoking Man had willingly sent them strolling into without so much as a heads up and she was furious.  She had thought to take it out on Miranda, but even the buxom Australian was pretty pissed off when she heard what had transpired.

"EDI call the Illusive Smoking Man," Sloane said through gritted teeth. 

"Dialing the Illusive Smoking Man," EDI said.  A moment later the communication room was filled with an ever expanding universe and a fucking douchelord asshole seated upon a leather executive's throne chainsmoking like his life depended on it.

The Illusive Smoking Man smiled...a real asshole's smile and said, "Shepard I'm glad you..."

But Shepard wasn't having it.  "You fucking sent us into a trap you scumfuck!" she shouted at the Illusive Smoking Man.

He merely smiled, a real dickfucking asshole's smile, and replied, "I was pretty confident you'd get out of it alive.  You're pretty resourceful and not a bad shot.  And since you're standing there in one piece it looks like I was right.  Anyway we've analyzed the data you got off the Collector's ship and it seems that in order to go through the Omega 4 Relay you're going to need something called an IFF.  I know it sounds like some kind of abbreviation for a film festival or something, but it's a device that will trick the Omega 4 Relay into thinking your ship should be allowed to pass."

"I guess we'll just go pick one up at one of the junk shops on Omega then," Sloane said saracastically as she rolled her eyes.

"It's not so easy to procure as that..."

"No shit Sherlock," Sloane spat rudely.  She was sick of the Illusive Smoking Man and could not wait to put a bullet in his dome.  No, that would be too quick.  Something slow and painful would be more appropriate for him.  "So where can we find this fucking thing?"

The Illusive Smoking Man took a long drag from his cigarette and let out a moan of pleasure.  He was either in flavor country or had jizzed in his pants.  "Well, there's a derelict Reaper ship that we've found that will have one aboard it.  We may have to do some repairs on it, but that will be our best bet."

"For real?" Sloane said, "You send us to a derelict Collector ship that's totally a trap and the very next place you want to send us is another derelict ship?  This one a very charismatic spaceship?  How stupid do you think I am?"

"I know it looks bad, but I genuinely had no idea we would need an IFF until after you went aboard the Collector ship.  If I'd known in advance I wouldn't have had to dupe you into going aboard the Collector ship at all.  You could have gone directly to the Reaper and gotten the IFF you need," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Whatever man.  I'll think about it."

"Think about what?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked, his voice scarcely concealing his nervousness.

"What do you think shit for brains?  I'll think about whether or not I trust you enough to go aboard another derelict space ship for you," Sloane replied, "In the meanwhile some of the crew's been looking for me to help them with some personal stuff.  Jack in particular seemed particularly gung ho about blowing up some sort of science lab where mad scientists did creepy experiments on her when she was a little girl.  I don't know about you but a nice seek and destroy mission like that always helps me relieve tension.  Shepard out."

She clicked off the communicator and the field of stars and the creepy man with dead doll eyes seated upon a leather executive's throne faded from sight.  Sloane turned and exited the room back onto the main deck.  Her secretary turned and smiled at her.  "Sloane can I tell you how happy I am to see you back aboard the ship?" the petite woman said.  She seemed to be blushing slightly, "I was worried for a minute that you wouldn't escape, but the EDI got you out alive.  If she had a body I'd give her a big hug."

Sloane smirked and thought inappropriate thoughts.  "I have a body you could hug instead Kelly," she said.

"Oh.  Yes...yes, you do," Kelly replied, taken somewhat aback by Sloane's directness.  She approached and put her arms around Sloane.  Sloane did the same, putting her arms around Kelly's waist and touching her ass before pulling the shorter women in close to her.  She smelled like cherries.

"Kelly, how would you like to join me for dinner tonight in my quarters?" Sloane whispered into her ear.

"I'd like that very much Sloane," she said in a breathy voice, "Would this just be dinner or do you have other things in mind as well?"

Kelly and Sloane broke off the hug and Sloane replied coquettishly, "That depends on you Miss Chambers."

The yeoman seemed to blush slightly as she looked at Sloane and asked, "Will Doctor T'soni mind?  I know the Asari are pretty broadminded about sexuality, but I wouldn't want to do anything she wasn't cool with."

Sloane felt as though she'd be punched in the stomach.  Why couldn't she have almost died in a trap set by the Illusive Smoking Man and had this conversation before she'd brought Liara on to the Notmandy for drinks and sex moves?  Nothing would ever come of it anyway.  Liara had taken another lover while Sloane had been dead only it hadn't been that weird space frogman guy.  It was playing spy.  The two had spent a single night of passion together several days ago, but Liara had left without so much as saying "Goodbye."  Whatever feelings the two may have had for one another died when Sloane's oxygen expired in deep space two years earlier.

"Don't worry about Liara and I," Sloane said, "There's nothing going on between us.  She's just an old friend is all."

"Oh!  I thought that you and her were an item," Kelly replied, "I could have sworn I overheard some of the crew talking about how they distinctly heard sex noise coming from you quarters while she was aboard the ship."

"Um...friends...with benefits?" Sloane offered half-heartedly, "Like I said, nothing serious really.  So what do you about 8:00 standard solar hour up in my quarters?"

"That sounds good.  I'll see you then Commander," Kelly twittered and then said, "I really have some work I should be getting back to now."

Sloane gave herself a self high-five as she walked over to the elevator.  She didn't feel bad about Liara and had more or less forgotten that the Illusive Smoking Man had sent her into a trap in which she'd nearly died, because if she played her cards right tonight she was going to get laid.


	34. Mass Effect - S02E14 - Law & Order: Asari Crimes Division

"So I'm talking to this fine Qurian at Eternity last night and these two drunk ass human chicks keep pointing at me at laughing," Dave the Terrarrium said.

His friend, Scott the Terrarium, nodded and feigned interest in whatever the fuck his friend was going on about, "So what were they laughing about?"

"I dunno.  They were doing this horrible Terrarium accent and yelling stuff like, 'You gotta see Fleet and Flotilla...it's a really great film exploring Terrarium-Qurian romantic relationships,' and then laughing their asses off and pointing at me," Dave said, "I was so glad when their friend dragged them off after the two of them took out shotguns and started yelling about going to save some girl and giving people high fives."

"Uh-huh.  Were they cute?" Scott asked.

"The Quarian?  I dunno, she was in one of those suits..."

"No mang, the human ladies!" Scott shouted.

Dave sighed and replied, "I dunno mang, one was bald and covered in tattoos and looked like she could probably rip your mandibles off and beat you with them.  The other one looked alright but was probably really into the movie Vaenia if you know what I mean."

Scott sighed and shook his head, "No man, no one knows what you mean...ever."

Taken somewhat aback by his companion's bluntness Dave muttered, "Oh.  Uh...she was making out with the Matriarch that runs the place so I think she might have been gay.  Their friend was alright though I guess if you like hair and huge boobs and giant asses."

"Do I ever?  You think they'll go back there tonight?" Scott asked hopefully, "We should totally go and check dude!  Hey is that a credit chit?  If it's more than 50 creds drinks are on me tonight my man."  Scott the Terrarium leaned down to pick up the chit that lay among the discarded bottles and other bits of refuse that was strewn across the alleyway, and there beside a public trash compactor receptacle he saw it: the body of a Volus, lying in a pool of its own blood, a bullet hole piercing his weird helmeted head.

* * *

Detective Asari O'Policecop walked up to the crime scene and glanced at the body before turning to the beat cop standing beside the police tape and asked, "Who called it in?"

The beat cop pointed to a pair of Terrarium dock workers leaning up against some crates looking nervous and said, "Those two.  They have solid alibis; both were working the docks at the time of death.  Their supervisor and about a dozen of their coworkers can vouch for them.  Thought you might want to ask them some questions before we cut 'em loose."

"They recognize the vic?" O'Policecop asked.

"Nah.  Said they'd never seen him before of if they had they'd never noticed him," the beat cop said, "The lanky one might have said something about all Voluses looking alike."

"Send 'em home," O'Policecop said, "but get their contact info in case we have questions later."

The beat cop nodded and walked off to go talk to the Terrariums and O'Policecop sighed. A murder in her precinct was just what she needed. She only hoped that the Justicar that had showed up on Illium a couple days earlier wouldn't catch wind of it before she had a suspect in custody. The Justicars had funny ideas about justice and would be just as likely to bust Detective O'Policecop's head as they would the murderer's.

"Detective O'Policecop," a melodic voice called out from behind her, "I heard there was a crime committed here and would like to offer my services."

O'Policecop turned and sighed.  She'd picked a hell of a week to give up smoking.  There, standing before her, was the Justicar, Samara, her bolero jacket unzipped to show off her generous bosoms which were remarkably pert looking for a woman her age.  O'Policecop wondered if she'd had work done or if she was merely using the space magic spell, Lift to keep things in place.  She'd heard of some matrons and matriarchs doing such things.  O'Policecop smiled politely, a fake smile, and said, "It would be an honor to let you assist with our investigation."

"The dead Volus?  I speak of another crime, though perhaps they are intertwined," the Justicar said and then stepped through the police tape and into the alleyway

**Commercial Break**

"Yaaaaaawn!" yawned Kelly Chambers as she stretched and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "I haven't gotten this little sleep since college."

Sloane, still half asleep, looked at the woman in her bed next to her wearing a faded Cincinnati Reds t-shirt that was two sizes too larger for her and then glanced around the room.  Several wine bottles were scattered about on the coffee table and there was a pile of sensible shoes and Cerberus uniforms on the floor at the foot of the bed.  The events of the previous night came back to her mind and Sloane smiled.

"Me either...well except the whole college part since I didn't go to college," Sloane said as she got out of bed and pulled on her regulation Cerberus panties.

"You went straight into the Alliance then when you turned 18?"

"No, I was in a gang for awhile so I sold drugs, beat people up and slept with bored, rich housewives and then blackmailed them.  In my defense though mugging people and eating out married middle aged 'straight' women and then blackmailing them beat sleeping in a cardboard box in the spaceport," Sloane said, "You probably wouldn't have liked me then...unless you were into pills."

"I...I had no idea," Kelly replied.

"I guess they left that stuff out of my official Cerberus file huh?" Sloane said as she buttoned up her Nehru jacket, "It was a long time ago though. A lifetime...literally. You're not going to get weird about it are you?"

Kelly shook her head. "No. If I'm going to be honest I think it makes you a little more attractive."

Sloane laughed and she asked, "What, do you have a thing for 'bad girls' or something?" She paused a moment as a realization came to her.  "Oh my god...that's totally it isn't it?  That's why you joined Cerberus!  I mean I couldn't figure it out before. You didn't seem like a space racist or overly concerned with evil science projects.  You're here because you like bad women."

Kelly's face went red and she stammered, "Can we talk about something else?"

Again Sloane laughed. "Yeah, of course we can, even if you are adorable when you get flustered. You want to get something to eat?"

"Sure," Kelly said as she pulled her pantaloons up over her hips and buckled her belt, "You're not worried people are going to talk about you and I?"

"Nah, I don't think anyone on the crew cares about me enough to gossip," Sloane replied, "C'mon. I'm famished."

* * *

"So you and Kelly huh?" Kasumi whispered to Sloane as she sat down beside her in the conference room for the morning staff meeting.

Sloane looked at the grinning face half concealed by a hood and, in confusion, asked, "How do you know?"

"Well, Debbie from navigation heard you and Kelly talking about dinner last night and then this morning Doug from human resources saw you two at breakfast and said Kelly was wearing the same clothes as the night before and had hair that was mussed up in that 'had sex all night' sort of way," Kasumi replied.

"Wait...but she was wearing a uniform," Sloane said, "She literally wears the same thing everyday. And her hair? It always looks like she just got done getting fucked."

"True...but when I asked, 'So you and Kelly huh?' You were all like, 'How did you know?' instead of being like 'What are you talking about Kasumi have you been drinking all the liquor in that bar you live in?' So you pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I just hope that now that you two are an item she'll stop flirting with me. I mean she's cute and all if that's the sort of thing you go in for, but she's a tad penisly challenged for my taste."

At the head of the room Miranda cleared her throat and glared and Sloane and Kasumi before turning on a Power Point presentation.  Kasumi mouthed the word, "Sorry," and Miranda clicked a button on the clicker she held in her hand.  An image of a matronly looking Asari woman wearing a nearly completely unzipped jacket that revealed nearly 84% of her boobs.  Kasumi took one look at the image and leaned over to Sloane and whispered, "Miranda's going to have to up her game if she wants to win back the Queen of Cleavage title."  Sloane smiled, but Miranda once again shot the pair of them wither glares and cleared her throat.

"This is Samara, an Asari Justicar," Miranda began, "I believe she'd be an excellent addition to our team so Shepard, you, Garrus and I will travel to Illium and convince her to join us."

"What?  That's bullshit Miranda and you know it!" Sloane shouted, "I'm in charge here, not you!"

"Listen Shepard, I didn't want to get into it here with you right now, but the Illusive Smoking Man is pretty fed up with your antics so he's put me in charge for the time being," Miranda said, "We've got shit to do Shepard.  Important shit that can't wait while you get your knickers untwisted, so until further notice I'm team leader."

Sloane was suddenly filled with hope.  "So if you're running the show now, can I bail?  You can just drop me off in Illium when you go and do this thing with the tits lady and it will all be cool."

Miranda shook her head, causing other parts of her genetically enhanced body to shake as well.  "You know I can't do that Shepard.  He's annoyed with you, but still needs you to do something.  So go get your gear together, we'll be docking in Dos Equis shortly."

Sloane stood and walked out of the conference room, muttering, "Bitch," under her breath.  As she walked by Jack slid a slip of paper into Sloane's hand.  Out in the hall Sloane unfolded the scrap of paper and read it: _I'm going to blow up a Cerberus lab in a couple days.  You seem pretty pissed off with them and I could use someone who knows how to shoot in case they've got guards there.  You want in?  P.S. You and Kelly?  It's a little cliche though isn't it?  The whole tough "I'll face punch you" chick with the little pillow princess thing._

She pocketed the note.  Cerberus was going to regret fucking with her.

**Commercial Break**

"So let me get this straight, you just want to take that Justicar, Samara, off planet and out of my head tentacles?" Detective O'Policecop said, "You got yourself a deal.  My boss wants her gone but I really don't want to be the one to tell a Justicar to get the fuck out of the precinct, she'll probably chop me in half with a laser sword or some shit...they've got weird ideas about honor and justice and 'the code.'  It's better not to fuck with them.  But you three, maybe she'll not cut you apart seeing as how you're aliens and all.  Anyway, she went to go investigate a crime scene for us...some bullshit with a dead Volus that was probably smuggling something for the Second Sons, I'll radio ahead to my officers to let you in to talk with her."

"Thank you Detective O'Policecop," Miranda said and then shook the Asari woman's hand.

The three space heroes walked out of the police station and headed towards the crime scene.  "Man this blows," Garrus moaned, "I'd forgotten how lame being C-Sec actually was.  Some captain riding your dick all day...it fucking sucks.  You don't know how good it is to just go out there and gun down bad guys without having to worry about paperwork."

Miranda nodded and kept walking without saying anything.  A short distance up ahead she spoke to a pair of beat cops and was allowed to go under the police tape into the crime scene.  She turned and told Sloane and Garrus to hurry up.

"Miranda's pretty terrible," Garrus said, "but goddamn that ass!"

"I know Garrus...I know."

 As Sloane and Garrus slipped under the police tape into the active crime scene they heard the sound of gunfire.  Sloane readied her weapon and charged forward while Garrus complained about lazy beat cops not having the balls to deal with bad guys the way they needed to be dealt with.  Up ahead Sloane saw a particularly chesty Asari doing battle with some Second Son gangbangers.  It was totally the Justicar lady they'd come to Illium to find.  Sloane got out her shotgun and started putting mofos on blast.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" Second Son assholes were dying left and right.  It was a goddamn bloodbath.

Soon it was down to just the Justicar and one Second Son gangbanger and Sloane's crew, but it was a cut scene so Sloane and her posse just stood around and watched while the two Asari women did space magic at each other and the bosomy Justicar demanded to know the name of some spaceship.  The gangbanger wasn't talking though so the Justicar smashed the gangbanger's head into a wall with space magic, causing the aforementioned head to explode in in a shower of blood and gore.  At just that moment the detective from earlier, Detective O'Policecop, strolled into the crime scene/battleground.  She did not look happy.

"Hey Samara," she said to the Justicar, "My boss is being a total dick and wants me to arrest you for some reason."

"Wait!" Miranda shouted, "We want to take her with us!"

The Justicar eyeballed Miranda and scowled, "You do not have a trustworthy aura about you.  I'd rather get arrested.  At least then after one solar day I can kill everyone there for delaying my quest for justice and leave."

Miranda looked like she was about to cry so Sloane stepped forward and was like, "Yo, I know Miranda kind of looks....uh...untrustworthy I think was the word you used, but check this out.  My name is Sloane Shepard, you might remember me from such suicide missions as Driving a Space Car Through a Mini Mass Relay and Saving the Citadel.  When you are a well known suicide mission specialist like me people are always looking for you to up the wow factor with each and every undertaking so this time I'm going through the Omega 4 Relay to fight Collectors.  You want in?"

"The Collectors would be worthy opponents to be certain, but I must first find the name of a ship a criminal I am pursuing escaped upon," Samara the Justicar said, "I shall allow myself to be arrested for one solar day's time.  If in that time you can find for me the name of the ship I shall join you Miss Shepard.  Come Detective O'Policecop, take me back to the station."

The detective turned and headed back to the police station but as she walked past Sloane she was like, "Hey, you think you can do my job too and find out who killed that Volus?  You might want to start with the Second Son's hideout.  They've got a service elevator that leads down there over by the police station."

As the detective and Samara the Justicar vanished from sight Garrus grumbled disgruntledly, "The simple fact that a known gangbanger hideout exists right next to the police station really shows how fucking useless cops are.  So many rules and restrictions that they can't even stop crimes happening right next to them.  It's a good thing we aren't cops and can just go shoot bad guys without consequence...or paperwork."

Sloane thought she might have liked boring, by the books Garrus better than Charles Bronson in Death Wish cosplay Garrus, but said nothing to him. The living revenge fantasy that was Garrus might be useful when Sloane was finally in a position to strike against Cerberus.

The trio left the crime scene and found the elevator down into the Second Son's hideout precisely where Detective O'Policecop had said they'd find it. The only problem was they needed a keycard to use it. Perhaps the gangbangers weren't as dumb as they had at first appeared.

"Shit!" Miranda cursed, "Now what?"

Sloane shrugged and with a smirk said, "I dunno team leader, you figure it out. I'm just here to shoot things and toss weak ass space magic that you'll have to make due with because you needed a bionic but were too scared to take Jack with you instead of me."

"Garrus, you were a cop. What would you do?" Miranda asked nearly in a panic.

"Well if we were back at the Citadel I'd check with one of my informants or an undercover officer...see if either of them had a keycard," Garrus said, "But here we don't have that, so we're going to have to find a shifty character and press him or her. That Volus over there is probably a good place to start. He's been lurking about the crime scene since we got here."

Miranda glanced across the street toward the suspicious looking Volus and then back to Garrus, "So how should we go about this?" she asked.

"Well, if we were cops we could bring him in for questioning; do the whole good cop, bad cop thing, but we're not cops and don't have time for that. If I were you I'd just have Shepard 'talk' to him," Garrus replied.

Miranda looked at Shepard and scowled, "Why her?"

"Because she's the only one of us who can walk the line between kindhearted and terrifying," Garrus replied, "Plus she isn't afraid to punch a face if someone gets lippy."

Miranda nodded and said, "I see. Sloane, you heard the praying mantis man. Go see what that Volus knows about this elevator."

"Fine," Sloane said with disgust. She crossed the street to the corner the shady Volus was lurking about on. He was probably just a cornerman for some drug dealer but maybe he knew someone who would know something.

"Hey man I couldn't help but notice you lurking about a crime scene," Sloane said, "Any particular reason why?"

"My name is Pine For and the victim was my friend...or perhaps business partner is more accurate," the Volus said glancing about nervously, "I am positive the person who killed him will kill me next and figured that standing here with all these cops lurking about was the best bet."

"Wasn't it just a mugging?" Sloane asked.

"No," the Volus said. He cast a sideways glance toward the Second Son's hideout's elevator and continued, "My partner and I did some business with the Second Sons, smuggling in X-247 and selling it to them."

"What's that? Some kind of drug?"

"I suppose in a way. X-247 is a compound that amplifies the bionic powers of any bionic tenfold. It is, however, fatally toxic even after short term exposure. My partner and I may have neglected to mention that to the Second Sons," said the Volus, "So you can see why a simple mugging is perhaps the least likely answer."

Sloane smiled. "Pine For, this is your lucky day. My associates and I have some business with the Second Sons...the sort of business that involves us shooting guns at them. The only problem is we can't get down into their lair."

"The elevator? Here, take my keycard," the Volus said as he pressed the aforementioned keycard into Sloane's hand, "This should get you down to their lair. Be careful though, they've got a lot of mechs and shit down there."

* * *

"BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" Sloane's shotgun tore apart a mech. She rolled to the side as the machine man exploded and an Asari Second Son gangbanger took up its position and began firing on Sloane.  Nearby a barrel exploded and a weird brightly colored gas began to fill the warehouse.

"Shepard, scanners indicate that the gas is X-247.  Inhaling it will cause your bionic powers to be amplified, but the gas is toxic and prolonged exposure to it will cause death in organic beings," EDI said over the com.

Sloane inhaled deeply and the chemical agent filled her lungs causing her to cough at first, but in an instant she felt it: raw power surging through her veins.  She stood and hurled a chunk of space magic at the Asari Second Sons.  The gangbangers' bodies were shattered instantly and sent sailing across the warehouse and slamming into the far wall.  This X-247 stuff was pretty elite, but death was not a price Sloane was willing to pay again, so she quickly got out of the way of the slowly dissipating cloud of poisonous magic roids.

"Shepard, quit messing around over there!" Miranda shouted, "We've got to find the name of a ship and possibly solve a murder if we want that Justicar to join us.  This is my first mission as team leader and I won't have you fucking it up with your bullshit."

Sloane said nothing and crossed the warehouse and followed after Miranda and Garrus.  For the remainder of the mission, Sloane was a model companion.  She shot her guns at foes when instructed to and used space magic when required to.  She did not give Miranda any further grief as the trio made their way through the warehouse.  Since the three were heroes it should go without saying that they uncovered not only the murderer but also the name of the ship that had been used to smuggle the criminal that the Justicar was pursuing off of Illium.  As they made their way out of the warehouse, past the ruined corpses of countless Second Son gangbangers Sloane realized that Miranda had actually done a pretty good job as team leader and more importantly that she was happier just being someone who pointed her gun and space magic where told.

As the elevator's levi-drives hummed and the elevator made its way back to street level, Sloane realized something about herself: she had never wanted to be a leader or someone that people looked to for guidance, but time and time again she'd been pushed into those positions.  If Cerberus wasn't going to let her out, then she'd gladly play second fiddle to Miranda until this bullshit was all over with.  She turned to the buxom woman in the black leather catsuit and started to speak, but before she could be all like, "Yo Miranda, I'm happier just being a gunwoman you can be team leader and I'll play along nicely," Miranda interrupted her, "Shepard, before you say anything I just want you to know that I'm done.  This team leader thing?  It's not for me.  I don't know how you do it at all to be honest, but I'm glad that you do.  I'll call the Illusive Smoking Man and let him know I don't want the job the minute we get back to the Notmandy."

Sloane hung her head as the realization that there was no escaping it dawned upon her.  The fates were going to force her to be a leader whether she wanted to be one or not.  She sighed with resignation and said, "Come on, let's go talk to Samara and that Detective."

* * *

Samara the Justicar was seated cross-legged atop Detective O'Policecop's desk when Sloane, Garrus and Miranda entered the police station.  She looked up at Sloane and without so much as a greeting asked, "Have you discovered the name of the ship my target escaped upon?"

"I did Samara.  Whoever your target is, they are headed to Omega.  You'll find all the data here," Sloane said and handed the Justicar a data pad with the ship's name and destination listed.  She turned to Detective O'Policecop and handed her another data pad and said, "We found your murderer too.  A low level Second Son confessed to doing the job as part of an initiation.  She ended up getting her shit wrecked during our raid, so you can probably close out the case now."

"Probably for the best you gunned her down in there.  It's going to save me a shit ton of paperwork," O'Policecop said, "Besides, this data recording wouldn't be admissible in court anyway.  Man, I sometimes wish we didn't have to do things by the books."

"That's what I always used to say too," Garrus said, "Back when I was in C-Sec, before Shepard here taught me that killing someone is the best way to deal with a problem."

"Garrus, I never taught you that," Sloane protested, "I don't actually believe that at all with the exception of dudes like Seville and Very Charismatic Spaceships."

"Sure you don't Shepard," Garrus said with a wink. 

The Justicar, who had been examining the data pad Sloane had handed her, suddenly stood and jumped down onto the floor and then knelt before Sloane and swore an oath.  "Sloane Shepard, my sword is yours to command.  I shall follow your orders until we have completed your quest to defeat the Collectors even if they go against the Code of the Justicar, though afterwards, should you commands be found to be against the Justicar Code I shall have no choice but to make certain that justice is served."

"You honor me Samara," Sloane said bowing slightly, "I shall strive to act justly and in a manner that does not disrespect the Code of the Justicar."

Samara stood and clasped hands with Sloane, "I pray to the Goddess that you do, for I would hate very much to have to kill you Sloane Shepard."


	35. Mass Effect - S02E15 - Law & Order: Sex Murder Division

The Terrarium's body slammed into the wall of the trash strewn alleyway as the Bavarian bouncer tossed him bodily from the VIP room of Afterlife.

"How many times do we have to tell you asshole, you don't get handsy with the girls!" the Bavarian spat authoritatively.

The Terrarium staggered to his feet and drunkenly muttered an oath under his breath, "Fuck you oom pah pah! If she didn't wanna get touched a little bit she shouldn't have been dressed like that."

"Wow man. Just wow. Maybe you'd like to go tell Arya S'tark that? I bet she'd have something real interesting to say about that oh so enlightened idea of yours?" the Bavarian asked sarcastically, in utter disbelief of the horrible thing the Terrarium had just said.

The door leading into the alleyway was suddenly flung open and a human woman staggered out into the alley clutching at her head.

"Hey are you okay?" the Bavarian asked as she stumbled past him and collapsed to her knees. The woman vomited. "Do you know what you took?" he asked.

She did not reply beyond a weak moan. The woman suddenly began to shake violently. The Bavarian knelt down beside her, but he was just a bouncer. He didn't know shit about medical treatment...especially for humans. He turned toward the Terrarium and shouted, "Yo man go see if there's a doctor in there!"

The Terrarium ran back into the club and the Bavarian got on his intercom and said, "Hey Tony this is Marco. There's a situation out back in the alley. Some human woman's in rough shape here. Get a medic." The woman suddenly stopped convulsing. It was clear she was dead. Marco the Bavarian got back on the intercom, "Tony, scratch that medic. Call for a meat wagon."

* * *

Morning had come to the Notmandy and Commander Sloane Shepard sat in the mess hall, breaking her fast with her yeoman, Kelly Chambers.  In the short time they had known each other, the pair had become close...incredibly close and their fondness for one another was obvious to all who saw them seated at a table apart from the other diners.

"I must admit I'm a little in awe of Samara," Kelly said between bites of her croissant, "Following the Code of the Judicar requires a remarkable amount of self-sacrifice and dedication, and her outfit is simply stunning, though I'd never have the nerve to wear something like that myself."

Sloane smirked mischievously and asked, "Not even in my quarters if I asked politely?"

The yeoman blushed and batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. "I suppose it would depend on how politely you asked," she replied.

Sloane took a sip of coffee and smiled, "I went through Alliance military training Kelly. I literally went through politeness training. I can be pretty polite when need be."

"You'll have to show me sometime then," Kelly replied as she reached across the table and took Sloane's hand in her own.

"Only if you wear a Bolero jacket like Samara's," Sloane replied.

"Excuse me Commander Shepard?" Sloane looked up to see the Asari Justicar, Samara standing before her, the plunging neckline of her top proudly displaying her generous bosoms. Sloane swallowed hard and tried not to gawk.  Kelly began to giggle and Sloane wondered how much their conversation the Asari had heard.

"Good morning Samara," Sloane said warmly, "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Actually there is. It's about the criminal I was pursuing. The information you obtained about the vessel's destination seems to have proven accurate for I received word from one of my sources on Omega that last night she struck," Samara said, dumping a sizable amount of plot on Sloane all at once, "I have been tracking this woman for nearly 400 years and this is the closest I've come to catching her. I would like to travel to Omega and stop her once and for all."

Sloane nodded her approval. "We can depart for Omega right away. Is there anything you can tell me about this criminal?"

Samara's face was suddenly awash with melancholy. "She calls herself Morinth and she is an ardat-yakshi...it's an Old Asari term that means something along the lines of 'demon of the night winds,' in modern Space English."

Sloane shrugged and said, "I don't get it."

"Ardat-yakshi are Asari that suffer from a rare genetic disorder that causes their nervous systems to totally dominate that of their partner's causing them to die during the Joining. While there are those Ardat-yakshi who hide themselves away and pose no threat to anyone, this woman I am after takes perverse pleasure in slaying her victims."

"You seem pretty determined to get this woman Samara," Sloane replied, "Seems almost like you have a personal vendetta against her."

"She is the reason I became a Justicar...her and her sisters. All three suffer from the condition and it was my fault they were unleashed upon the galaxy, for they are my daughters."

**Commercial Break**

Disco lights flashed and mad fat beats pumped through the club as Sloane, Samara and Kasumi entered Afterlife.  If anyone in Omega would know where to find an Asari sex murderer among them it would be Arya S'tark.  As they made their way to Arya's private booth overlooking the club below, the trio of lady space heroes walked past a drunken Woo girl telling her friend, "I saw a vorcha kill a man...oh wait it was another vorcha," before the pair of women began laughing hysterically.  Sloane wondered if she too had been that vapid in her youth.

At the far end of the club Sloane nodded at Arya's bouncer who acknowledged her and waved her by.  She turned to Kasumi and Samara and bid them to wait there before going upstairs to Arya's private booth.  The Asari woman was clad in white pleather and was lounging on her orgy couch trying very hard to look nonchalant.  She was trying too hard.  As Sloane entered she looked up and without changing her facial expression acknowledged her presence.

"Shepard.  Have a seat."

"Arya, you run shit here on Omega," Sloane began as she sat on the orgy couch, "I'm looking for an Asari here."

"There are a lot of us here on Omega Shepard, you'll have to be a little bit more specific," Arya said sarcastically.

"She just arrived here like a week ago and she's a hardhat yak she or something," Sloane said, "That's some kind of sex murder demon I guess?"

"An ardat-yakshi here on Omega?" Arya said sounding surprised.

"OH SNAP! LOOK WHO DIDN'T KNOW SOMETHING THAT WAS GOING ON ON OMEGA, MISS 'I AM OMEGA' HERSELF!  AW YE YE!" Sloane exclaimed.

Arya did not look pleased, not that she ever looked pleased, but this time she looked extra not pleased.  She scowled at Sloane and said, "No, I didn't know there was an ardat-yakshi here on Omega, but now that you said something about there being one, that girl's death makes a little bit more sense now."

"What girl?"

"A human girl.  Looked a little like you but younger and less badass.  She was partying at one of my clubs and just ran out and starts puking everywhere and is dead a minute later.  They thought maybe she was on something, but the tox reports came back negative for anything that could have caused a reaction like that so the medics ruled it aneurysm, but I had my suspicions.  A young girl, otherwise healthy suddenly having an aneurysm.  She wasn't wearing any panties and there was evidence she'd been sexually active shortly before her death.  You don't really think to peg a death like that on an ardat-yakshi this far from Asari space but now it makes sense."

"How come you and your people didn't do anything to stop her.  The ardat-yakshi I mean?"

"Because first of all I had no idea there was an ardat-yakshi here until you said something.  They don't really look any different from me or any other Asari and don't advertise what they are so it's not like my people at the port would have noticed anything suspicious about her when she arrived and secondly why would I kill her if she wasn't trying to seduce me?" Arya replied with an evil smirk, "Anything else Shepard?"

"You got a name for that dead girl?"

Arya raised her painted eyebrow in thought and said, "Neth?  Nef?  Nerf?  Something like that, she lived down in Lowtown.  Someone there might know where to find her family or friends.  She wasn't a player in the game, so I'd never seen or heard of her until she went and died outside my club."

"Alright, thanks Arya," Sloane said as she stood.

Arya smirked, "My pleasure.  Oh and Shepard, before you leave why don't you find a nice young man to give you the high hard one before you go?  You seem awful uptight.  Getting a solid dicking might help loosen you up.  There's probably a half dozen men down there who'd love to rub genitals together with you."

"It's an enticing offer Arya, but I'll have to decline on account of not being interested in men.

"That does explain a lot," the Asari gangster said with a shrug, "Your loss I suppose.  More dick for the rest of us though.  I'll see you around Shepard."

Sloane made her way back down to her companions.  There was no use trying to talk over the pounding drums and wailing klaxons that passed for music at Afterlife, so she motioned to Samara and Kasumi signalling that it was to to hit the streets: beat cop style.

* * *

The had knocked on so many doors in Lowtown trying to find anyone who knew of a human girl named Neth or Nef or Nerf.  So far they'd come up empty.  Sloane was about ready to call off the search.  "We'll check like 5 more apartments alright?  If we can't find someone who knew the victim we'll have to try something else," she said as she prepared to knock on another door in the rundown apartment building.

She rapped on the door and a moment later the sound of deadbolts being unlatched could be heard.  A haggard looking woman in her middle years stood before them, her eyes puffy from crying.  "Is there something I can help you with?" the woman asked, her voice weak and tired.

"Maybe.  I'm looking for information about a girl who died last night.  Her name was Neth or Nef...possibly Nerf, the information I was given was a little bit sketchy on the details," Sloane said, but before she could say anything more, the woman fell to her knees in the doorway and began to sob.

"Nef was my daughter until that horrible Asari woman stole her away and killed her," the woman (who was apparently Nef's mom) wailed.

"What Asari woman?" Samara asked.

"Morinth was her name," Nef's mom replied, "Before she came along my daughter was a good girl.  She was quite and polite and just worked on her art.  She dated boys...human boys and then she meets this Squidhead and starts staying out to all hours in the night, getting high, doing god knows what with another woman and now?  And now she's dead..."

"Nef seems to fit with the sort of women Morinth general pursued.  Morinth was rather fond of art and liked to surround herself with talented people," Samara whispered.

The mother of Nef wiped the tears from her eyes and asked, "Who are you people?  Did Arya send you?"

Sloane shook her head and replied, "No, Nef's Mom, we aren't with Arya, but we want to help you.  We believe the woman, Morinth, did kill your daughter just as she did countless times before and will do countless times in the future unless we can put a stop to her here today."

"I dunno..."

Samara suddenly stepped forward and put her hand on the mom's shoulder and in a soft voice said, "I, too, know the pain of losing a daughter.  Please help us stop this woman so no other mother has to know the pain that you and I know so well."

The woman wiped her eyes again and said, "Alright.  Maybe there's something in Nef's room that can help you find that terrible woman.  I haven't been in there since she died.  Everything is just as she left it."  She crossed the room and punched a number into the door's data pad and it slid open.

"Thank you," Sloane said, 'We will be careful not to disturb anything."

The room was small and cluttered with random sculptures covering most surfaces.  A vid journal sat on the bedside table.  Sloane switched it on and told the diary to replay the most recent entries.  An image of a young woman, who did, as Arya had said, bear a passing resemblance to Sloane appeared on the screen and began to speak, "Hey diary, I just met the most amazing person.  Her name is Morinth and she's an Asari.  She and I danced at the club and afterwards talked about my art.  She was really knowledgeable about really obscure Volus new wave painters.  It's weird but, I think I kind of like her.  I know that I just met her...and that she's a girl like me...and totally not a human, but I dunno...it's hard to explain.  I'm going to see her again tomorrow."

"Morinth's powers can cause nearly anyone to fall instantly in love with her but that doesn't help us locate her," Samara said, "Play the next entry."

The diary played the next entry.  Once again Nef's visage appeared on the screen, this time looking slightly more manic and disheveled than previously. "Hey diary.  It's me again.  I had the most incredible night ever!  To start, I uh...kissed a girl and I liked it.  It was so amazing, but that might be the dope talking.  Yes I did dope with Morinth tonight also.  I was always kind of scared about it because of those 'This is your brain.  This is your brain on dope,' advert vids where that lady smashes up her kitchen with a frying pan, but Morinth was so cool and nice I felt like I had to do it with her.  She said she knew some art dealers who would be interested in my sculpture and talked about moving with me to a real city like Dos Equis on Illium or maybe even the Asari homeworld.  Is it mental that I am seriously considering it?  I mean she's a woman and I never felt this way about girls before...maybe it's just the dope."

"Is it possible that Morinth drugged her and that's why she's acting this way?" Sloane asked.

Samara shook her head.  "No, the drugs are just a vice that Morinth enjoys.  They aren't the reason this girl's mental facilities are deteriorating so rapidly.  That is entirely Morinth's doing.  We still aren't any closer to discovering where Morinth may be hiding though.  Perhaps there is another entry?"

Sloane implored the diary to play back the next entry.  Nef's face appeared upon the display once more, this time a broad smile plastered upon it. "I think I'm going to have sex with Morinth tonight.  She invited me to come to her apartment tonight after we go out dancing.  I've never done it with another girl before...even another human girl, but an Asari?  I told Morinth that I didn't know what to do but she just laughed and said she'd show me, and that she'd be gentle.  I got some sexy underwear, but I think I might be wearing the panties wrong.  They shouldn't be this uncomfortable should they?  Well, time for me to go.  Don't wait up for me."

"Wait a second.  She mentioned wearing panties," Sloane said.

"So?" replied Samara.

"Well, maybe it's nothing but Arya said that when the body was found she had no underwear on," Sloane replied, "Maybe they didn't wait to go back to her apartment to join.  Maybe they did it there in the club."

"You could be right.  We should head there and check for evidence the police might have missed," Samara replied, "There is a slim chance that Morinth might still be there though.  I can't risk being seen by her.  If she thinks that I'm on to her then we're done.  She will go into hiding again and it might be another 400 years until I pick up her trail once more.  I need to you be my eyes and ears in the club.  If Morinth is still there, there's a good chance she might take an interest in you.  Morinth likes interesting people, and you, Sloane Shepard are one of the most interesting people I have ever encountered."

"Hold up.  So I'm bait now?" Sloane asked.

"Yes.  Physically you bear more than a passing resemblance to her last partner.  You are charming and violent and beautiful and mysterious plus you wouldn't be adverse to kissing another woman or touching her most intimate places should it go so far as to require that.  These are all things that make you the perfect person to attempt to draw her out," Samara said, "Come now, let us make haste to the club!"

 **Commercial Break**  

Sloane, decked out in her Alison Gunn cocktail dress, walked down a foreboding alleyway in Omega.  The entrance to the VIP Club was a few meters up ahead.  Samara casually walked beside her.  "There's no guns allowed in the VIP Club, so you're going to be on your own in there but I will be close at hand.  If things go to far I will make certain nothing happens to you," the Justicar said.

"Thanks Samara.  Well, wish me luck," Sloane said and then strolled up to the bouncer and gave him the password, gaining access to the hottest, most exclusive club in all of Omega.  Almost instantly she was confronted by a guy who made her question the exclusivity of the place.  He was a tweaker strung out on something blathering on and on about how if he got tickets to the Expel 10 show to impress "that hot piece of Asari ass...Morgan or Moriarty or something."

"Morinth?  Is she still here?" Sloane asked the tweaker.

"Yeah maybe.  She's here a lot man.  I haven't seen her tonight, but it's early still.  So what do ya say?  You want to hook a brother up with some Expel 10 tickets?" the tweaker asked as he scratched at his face.

"Dude for real get the shit out of my face," Sloane replied and pushed past the scruffy looking nerf herder.

"So is that a no on the tix then yeah?" the scruffy dude said as he scratched at himself.

"Fuck off dude or I will end you!" Sloane shot back over her shoulder as she walked away.

"Alright man...it's cool.  I'll figure something else out."

The club was packed with all sorts of people.  Sloane scanned the place looking for Asari who could possibly be sex murderers.  She saw one, clad in a thong and stockings that a drunk as fuck looking Terrarium seemed to be bothering.  "Yo assfuck you wanna step the fuck off?" Sloane shouted at the Terrarium.

The Terrarium turned his stupid face toward Sloane and said, "Aw that's cute, you sticking up for your girlfriend?  How about this, you don't want me to take her out back and give her the high hard one, you and me go have a root?  I don't really go in for humans, but I'm drunk and don't give a shit, so long as my dick gets wet tonight." 

 _FACE PUNCH!_    Sloane's fist slammed into the Terrarium's face causing his mandibles crumple and a trickle of blood to ooze from his mouth hole.  There was a record scratch and the entire bar turned to look at the face punched Terrarium.  Several nearby Terrariums pointed and laughed and jeered at their fellow praying mantis man, "Oh jit son, you just got rocked by that chick!"  There was a great amount of laughter and the face punched Terrarium slunk off.

"Hey thanks for punching that assfuck in the face.  Fucking security is useless in here tonight.  That piece of shit Terrariums always coming in here thinking that just because my ass is hanging out he can rub up on it," the Asari woman said.  It was clear from context clues that she was not Morinth.

"No problem," Sloane replied, "Anyway I got drinks to drink and dances to shuffle awkwardly during."

She then proceeded to begin shuffling awkwardly to the throbbing techno music that pumped up over the stereo.  Another Asari woman sidled up beside her.  "Nice moves," the woman in a revealing dress said as she swayed ethereally to the pounding drum and bass music, "Mind if I dance with you?"

Sloane eyeballed the woman and without pausing her awkward shuffle said, "If you want to stand near me and dance and then later tell people you danced with me that's fine."

Sloane became so entranced by "The Electric Slide" and other tunes the DJ was spinning that she had no idea how much time actually passed as she stood shuffling awkwardly on the dance floor next a twirling Asari woman.

"Hew...dancing that good is thirsty work," Sloane said after an eon spent shuffling awkwardly on the dance floor, "I'm going to get a drink. Hey, what's your name anyway?"

The twirling Asari woman paused her sensual dance and answered, "Caroline. And you?"

"Gunn...Alison Gunn," replied Sloane.  Kasumi had really picked a winner of an alias.

"You want to get out of her Alison?" the woman asked, "Maybe go back to my place?"

"Yeah, maybe Caroline. Um...I'm just supposed to be meeting a friend here and she's a bit late. If she doesn't show up in a couple minutes we can go back to your place."

Caroline looked disappointed as she folded her arms under her breasts, "A girlfriend?"

"No, just a friend who's a girl. Anyway, wait here, I'm going to get a beer. Want anything?"

"A rum and Coke I guess," Caroline replied.

Sloane crossed the dance floor. There didn't seem to be any other Asari women anywhere in the club. She would wait around a bit longer to see if Morinth was one of those "fashionably late" people who showed up like 40 minutes before closing time and if she didn't she'd go back to Caroline's place. She walked up to the bar and a grumpy looking Krogan glared at her.

"Looks like they'll let anyone in here these days," the Krogan grumbled, his voice a gravel pit that had just gargled broken glass.

"Tell me about it!" Sloane exclaimed, "You know I think I saw a Krogan douchebag so impotent that he couldn't even transfer genetic data to a fertile Asari."

"Not cool guy," the Krogan replied glumly, "Not cool at all."

Sloane momentarily felt sorry for the Krogan species and a pang of regret stabbed at her heart over what she had said so callously. "Dude I'm sorry. Lemme buy you a drink. Fuck it, lemme buy everyone a drink. Barkeep a round of drinks on me!"

The grizzled barkeep looked up at Sloane from the sudoku puzzle he was doing and asked, "You sure about that champ? It ain't gonna be cheap."

"Are we talking not cheap in terms of plot credits or actual credits I can use to purchase helmets and fish?" Sloane asked cautiously.

"Plot credits."

"Oh, then in that case go nuts man!" Sloane said before turning to the bar and bellowing, "A round a drinks on me!"

A collective cry of, "AW YE YE!" went up from the assembled drunken revelers.

It seemed that Morinth wasn't going to show and so Sloane decided to go see if that Asari, Caroline still wanted to take Sloane home with her. There was no reason to let the night be a total waste of time. As she headed back toward the dance floor an Asari woman dressed in a form fitting black habit emerged from the shadows.

"I've never seen you here before, but you are without a doubt the most interesting person I've seen here tonight," she said, "I have a private booth in the back. Come join me for a drink."

"Sure. My name's Alison Gunn."

The woman smiled and replied, "Morinth. It is a pleasure to make you acquaintance."

Jackpot.

* * *

"I can't believe someone as dark and brooding as you never heard of My Chemical Romance!  All the emo kids back on Earth loved them!" Sloane exclaimed in utter disbelief as she leaned back on the sofa in Morinth's apartment house. It hadn't taken long for Morinth to suggest the two of them leave the club for somewhere more private.

Morinth leaned close to Sloane and whispered, "You know, I didn't really invite you here to pop pills and talk about emo bands from Earth. Why don't we go back to the bedroom Alison?"

"We've got a perfectly good place to hump right here," Sloane replied as she pulled the Asari woman's head down to her crotch. She wondered how much further she'd have to go with this charade before Samara arrived and killed her daughter, the sex murderer.

Morinth sat up the moment Sloane released her head and said, "This is a pretty expensive couch. I'd rather not get anything on it. I think you'd rather go with me to the bedroom."

"No. I'd rather have you eat me out here on the sofa," Sloane replied.

Morinth suddenly looked concerned. "That should have worked. Why didn't that work? Oh goddess! Where is she?"

"Where's who?"

"Samara!"

As if on cue the door to the apartment flung open and standing there in the doorway were Samara's boobs, and right behind them was Samara herself. "This ends here Morinth!" Samara shouted as she hurled a massive glob of space magic at the sex murderer.

Morinth quickly countered the spell and with a smirk replied, "I think not mother."

Space magic crackled as the two Asari women held each other in check space magically there in the apartment living room. Sloane stared at them bleary eyed. She shouldn't have drank so much or taken so many pills.

The Justicar glared at her daughter something fierce as space magic flared about the apartment.  "Morinth, your powers have grown since last we met," she said, the scowl of a cross mother upon her lips, "Shepard, I need your help to end her.  We are too evenly matched."

"Ha!" scoffed the sex murderer, "Shepard, help me slay this old crone!  Think of all the dark, dangerous music we can listen to!  Think of the pills we can take and the wild lesbian sex we can have!  You haven't even seen my boobs yet!"

"Exactly!  It looks like your mom's got nicer boobs anyway and isn't afraid to show 'em off.  Seriously, for a sex murderer you kinda dress like a prude," Sloane said and then cast Shockwave.  Compared to the ancient Asari space magic that shook the room and seemed to warp reality itself Sloane's space magic was little more than fireworks, but it was enough to tip the balance in Samara's favor.

Sloane's space magic...

The sex murderer's shield flickered and Samara's blast of magical space magic caused her daughter to be hurled across the room into the window which cracked, but did not shatter as Morinth's body slammed into it.  Morinth opened her mouth to say something, but before she could a second beam of space magic shot forth from Samara's hand causing Morinth's neck to snap like a twig.  A second later the body of the sex murderer fell to the floor, dead.

"Four hundred years of pursuit ended in an instant," Samara said, "I am not entire sure what I expected, but this does not feel as final as I had hoped it to be."

"Are you going to be alright Samara?" Sloane asked, trying not to slur her words.

The Justicar replied, "I will be fine in time.  Thank you Shepard...for everything.  I could not have done this without you.  Now unless you have ransacking to do I think it would be in our best interest to vacate these rooms before whatever passes for police here in Omega come knocking.  Certainly someone would have heard the blasts from our spells and called the constabulary."

Sloane nodded and the two women left dead woman's apartment.  As they walked out to where Kasumi waited with the taxi, Sloane said, "Samara, I hope you don't get the wrong idea about what I said before I did some magic.  I'm kind of high right now.  I mean you do have some nice tits, but you're a little old for me."

The Asari Justicar merely smiled and helped Sloane into the taxi.


	36. Mass Effect - S02E16 - Saving Private Tali

Kelly Chambers crept into the communications room of the Notmandy and entered the series of passcodes necessary to dial the Illusive Smoking Man into the Terminal. A moment later a hologram of the universe appeared before her with the Illusive Smoking Man looming over it like a Greek god of antiquity, if Greek gods of antiquity had a pack and a half a day habit. He exhaled blowing plumes of smoke from his nostrils and smiled as she saw Kelly. It was the smile of a real asshole.

"Miss Chambers," the Illusive Smoking Man began, "it's been awhile since you last filed a report with me directly. Is something going on with Shepard that I should know about?"

"Sir, she's been acting rather rashly since the debacle on the Collector ship," Kelly replied, "In fact she and Jack just returned from blowing up one of our facilities."

Smoke billowed from the Illusive Smoking Man's face. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention Miss Chambers, but I was already aware of what Shepard and Jack did," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "That facility was stripped of all valuable data and materials years ago so don't worry yourself over it."

"I wasn't really worried about it from a operational standpoint Sir. I was concerned about what it meant for Shepard," Kelly replied, "I'm worried that she's going to become so defiant that she'll be useless to us when the final battle comes to pass."

The Illusive Smoking Man smoked silently in thought a moment. "Perhaps you're right. We need something to get her to trust us once more. Our agents picked up a Quarin distress signal a short while ago that I believe Shepard would be interested in. Pass it on to her. I've forwarded the pertinent data to your Power Glove. Is there anything else Miss Chambers?"

Kelly cast her eyes down and mumbled, "Just one other thing. I don't think I can do this anymore. Spying on Shepard I mean." Her heartbeat thudded and she could feel goosebumps prickle on her bare arms.

The Illusive Smoking Man's face was a mask. If he was angry he hid it very well. "Why not Miss Chambers?" he asked, "Miranda tells me that you and Shepard are something of an item now so it shouldn't be too difficult for you to get her to open up to you now."

Kelly shook her head. "It's not a question of difficulty, Sir. I...I don't feel right talking to you about her anymore. I'm sorry Sir, but I can't anymore. Honestly the only reason I reported in today was because I was concerned about her."

A thin tendril of smoke escaped from the corner of the Illusive Smoking Man's mouth. Again it was nearly impossible for Kelly to get a read on his feelings. Without saying another word the Illusive Smoking Man pressed a button on his leather executive's throne and he and the projected starfield suddenly vanished. The Illusive Smoking Man had ended the transmission without saying another word.

As she exited the communications room, Kelly Chambers wondered if she had made a huge mistake.

* * *

Jack leapt up onto the space steel table and threw her hands up into the air as she exclaimed, "And then it's just like, 'KABOOOOOOOOOM!' and the windows to that dog shaped shuttle we're in start shaking and Kasumi is all freaking out and shit and I'm all like, 'AW YE YE! EAT IT YOU CERBERUS FUCKS!!' but Shepard here is just like, 'Meh, whateves.' Fuckin' a mang...cold as ice."

"I thought we might have ruptured the planet core," Sloane said and then took a sip of coffee, "and was sure we were going to get caught in a catastrophic planetary event and die."

Garrus, Grunt, Morton and Coach Z. all laughed while Kasumi paled and Jack exclaimed, "Damn Shepard, you really are ice cold."

"That's why they called me Iceman back at the Academy," Sloane replied, "Well, that and my prowess at homoerotic volleyball, but mostly because of my ability to quip sarcastically in the face of certain doom."

The Justicar, Samara, nodded, "You are rather skilled at that. You were quite quippy in the taxi after we dealt with that sex murderer on Omega several days ago."

"That's because I was high as fuck," Sloane said with a smirk, "If I'm being honest with you I was a lot less quippy the next morning."

Again the assembled space heroes laughed. Thane, the space frogman, shrugged and said he didn't understand what was so funny causing the laughter of the others to renew. All laughter ceased, however, when Miranda Australian and Jacob Black-Kaidan, the two Cerberus operatives in charge of overseeing this great heroic mission walked into the mess hall and over to the table where Sloane and her posse were chilling hard.

Sloane eyed the two suspiciously. She'd never really trusted Cerberus, but ever since the Illusive Smoking Man had knowingly sent her into a Collector trap whatever minuscule trust there had been had vaporized. "The fuck do you want?" she asked angrily.

"Christ, you two reek of smoke," Miranda said as she approached the table, "What the shit were you doing?"

"We blew up one of your labs!" Jack exclaimed with glee, "Specifically the one where you fucks tortured me and a bunch of other kids, in case you need to inform your bossman." She made an explosion sound with her mouth and did an explosion motion with her hands and then climbed down off the table.

The buxom Cerberus agent sighed. "Shepard, I don't have any beef with you, you know that right? Like the entire Collector ship trap thing posed as much a threat to Jacob and I as it did to you and we're just as angry as you are right now, but blowing up Cerberus facilities that were abandoned a decade ago doesn't do anything. Why don't you expend your energy on something more productive?"

Sloane laughed. "Like what, going into another 'derelict' ship trap looking for a MacGuffin so I can help a bunch of people I hate save a bunch of people who hate me? Let me get right on that Miranda."

"You're friends with a Quarian named Talizora vom Nesa right?" Jacob asked, "She traveled with you on the Normandy back in the day right?"

"Yes. She's the one who actually killed Seville," Sloane replied, "but you knew that already. There are files about her on the ship's server. Why? She already said she wouldn't join us back when we met her on Freedom Rock."

"This isn't a Cerberus thing Shepard," Jacob said, "This is a friend thing. We picked up a distress signal from a nearby planet. It's on a Quarian channel and the person identifies herself as Talizora vom Nesa. She's in trouble Shepard and the nearest Quarian ships are days out. We can get down there easy enough and extract her."

"What sort of trouble are we talking about?" Sloane asked.

The camera cut to a loving shot of Miranda's stunning ass as she said, "She's a Quarian, Shepard. What sort of trouble do you think she's got herself into? It's cybermen."

**Commercial Break**

Sloane's Power Glove shorted out again. The atmosphere of Hailstorm was lame as fuck and the sun's radiation was wrecking house on all their electronics. Tali was somewhere down here and in trouble so Sloane would have to make due with what she had.

"Enemies sighted!" Garrus shouted as several cyberman emerged from behind some conveniently located space crates and began shooting laser guns at the trio of space heroes.  Laser blasts streaked by as Sloane dove behind a conveniently placed space crate of her own.  In a flash she had her shotgun out and the fuck was quickly blasted out of the cybermen uzi specialists, but the the radiation of Hailstorm had rendered her own shielding nonoperational and Sloane had not escaped the firefight unscathed.  A uzi bullet struck her shoulder and passed clean through.  Sloane let out a yelp of surprise but continued to fire her shotgun.

As the last cyberman's face exploded in a flash of death and destruction, Sloane dropped down behind the crate.  Blood poured from her shoulder.  Kasumi crouched down next to her and looked at her bloodied shoulder.  "Wow, that looks like it hurts," the Japanese thief said, "We should probably get some medi-goop on that and maybe get you out of this radiation."  She and Garrus dragged Sloane into the shade and as their weapons cooled down Kasumi slathered medi-goop on the uzi shot shoulder.  "This should fix you up as good as new," Kasumi said, "C'mon let's go find your friend."

The Terrarium and the two human women continued to fight their way through the structure that the cybermen had overrun, looking for some sign of Tali or any other Quarian.  They found none.  They did, however find a mess of cybermen looking to rumble.  Sloane and company were more than happy to oblige them, shooting the shit out of the robotic menace without giving it a second thought.  The sun of Hailstorm beat down on them rendering armor and guns and Power Gloves useless.  She wished EDI had said something about the shitballs condition of the sun before they landed.  They could have packed some SPF 1000 if she had.

_SPF 1000: The preferred SPF rating of all Space Heroes._

The trio came at last to the body of a dead Quarian.  From his garb and the fact that he was packing heat it seemed clear that he was military, but that didn't explain where Tali was or why she was on the sunblasted shitstain of a planet.  As Sloane crouched to see if the dead soldier had anything worth taking, a radio on his belt began to squawk.  Sloane picked it up and fiddled with the dials until the static faded and the voice being transmitted could be understood, "Is anyone else left out there?  We've got Talizora covered in the library but we're coming under heavy fire and could use some assistance if any other units remain."

Sloane pressed the transmit button on the communicator and said, "This is Commander Sloane Shepard of the SR-2 Notmandy.  We picked up a distress signal from orbit and landed.  What's the situation here?"

"Wait...Sloane Shepard?  Tali spoke often of her former commander, a woman with that very name.  Could Fate have brought you here?  Whatever the case may be, we will be glad to have your assistance," the voice on the other end asked, "The situation is not good.  Talizora is safe for now, locked within the library of this settlement, but there are hecka cybermen and I don't know how much longer we can hold out."

"What are your coordinates?" Sloane asked.

"I'm sending them now," the voice replied.  A moment later Sloane's Power Glove pinged as the coordinates of the pinned down Quarians appeared on the Glove's screen.  They weren't far from Sloane's current location.

"You guys aren't too far off.  We're on our way," Sloane said, "Hold tight...uh?"

"Karl Reager of the Quarian 8th Marines."

"Hold tight Karl Reager."

With a sense of direction and confirmation that Tali was still alive, Sloane and her team of space heroes set off once again. Was the going easy? No, it was not! Cybermen, some armed with uzis and some armed with bazookas, tried to wreck their shit each step of the way, but Sloane's space hero game was locked down.

She rolled and leapt and shot her shotgun, "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" She crouched and evaded and hurled moderately strong chunks of space magic and before long she found herself standing behind a great barricade. Several dead Quarians were here and one live one.

"Karl Reager?" Sloane asked.

The Quarian looked up at her. It was clear he'd been wounded. "Commander Shepard? I'm glad to have your assistance here ma'am. They just deployed an AT-AT...took out the rest of the men. If I hadn't been hit by a sniper a second earlier I'd probably be dead too."

"Are you going to be okay mang?" Sloane asked. During her time with Tali she'd become pretty aware of the hazards of engaging in combat while wearing an environmental suit. A rip or tear in a Quarian's suit could often time be as dangerous as a shotgun blast to the face.

"Yeah. The bullet just grazed me and got the tear patched up pretty quick. I dosed myself with an antibiotic pack so I should be fine," Kreager replied.

"What's the situation out there?" Sloane asked.

"They've got the AT-AT down at the far end. I think they wanted to use it to get into the library but we were fucking with it with bazookas so it's turned its attention on us for now. They've got snipers up on the catwalks and grunts down in the middle," Kreager said, "Overall it's a fucking mess but at least Tali's safe for now. That library is like a goddamn bunker."

There was a lot Sloane still didn't understand but the barricade wouldn't withstand much more AT-AT fire. She'd need to make a move quick if there was any chance of getting out of this situation alive.

"Kreager, stay here and cover us man," Sloane said.

"With all due respect ma'am those fucks killed my men," Kreager said, "I need to revenge it up."

"Dude do you think your mens would want you to throw your life away?" Sloane asked, "I've got an Arc Blaster on by back man! I can wreck house on that AT-AT, so just stay back here and keep those snipers off my ass."

"Alright ma'am. Your use of the phrase 'wreck house,' has caused me to have a change of heart. I'll stay here and shoot crumbums that try to step to you."

It was a solid plan. Garrus and Kasumi jumped into the fray and Kreager worked on the snipers while Sloane headed off up into the catwalks. She needed to uzi some jackoffs first to get a clear shot at the AT-AT with the Arc Blaster, but that was easier done than said since cybermen were pretty dumb at military planning and they basically walked at her one by one and got mowed down in a hail of uzi bullets.

Down below in the killing fields Kasumi and Garrus screamed, "AW YE YE!" at each slain cyberman. Up ahead the AT-AT readied its cannon and fired a bolt of crackling energy that slammed in a heap of space crates and exploded the fuck out of them. Her friends wouldn't last long against that kind of firepower.

Sloane got into position and holstered her uzi. She swung the Arc Blaster down off her shoulder and powered it up. The laser gun began to hum and vibrate with the promise of death. Behind the space crates Sloane crouched and waited for an opening. A moment later the AT-AT's cannon fell silent. Sloane sprang up like a Jack-in-the-Box, aiming the Arc Blaster and pulling the trigger in one fluid motion. Arc blast shot forth from the Arc Blaster, streaking across the battlefield and striking the AT-AT squarely. The great cyberman machine exploded in a shower of gears and servos.

Garrus glanced up at her from below and gave her a thumbs up as the circuit boards rained down upon him. Sloane jumped down from the catwalk and approached the doors to the library. They were locked and so Sloane bade the master thief, Kasumi Goto, bypass the security system. Kasumi was as good as people claimed and in mere moments the door to the library was hissing open.

Sloane walked into the library and there standing at the central console was Talizora vom Nesa. At the sound of the door opening Tali wheeled around and drew her pistol but quickly lowered it. Had she not been wearing a reflective mask that covered her face all present would have seen her jaw go slack in shock.

"Shepard? Is that really you? How?" Tali asked in disbelief.

"We picked up your distress signal and landed to try and help. We'd nearly given up hope of finding you when we picked up Karl Reager on a com. He told us where you were."

"Karl Reager...is he alright?" Tali asked.

"Fine ma'am," Karl Reager said as he walked into the room at that exact moment, "The bastards ripped my suit, but I'll live."

"Come with me Tali. Something big's on the horizon and I need people I can trust and there's no one I trust more than you," Sloane said.

"I promised the Floatilla I would finish this mission and once I send this data my job will be done," Tali said before punching something into her Power Glove, "...and now I'm done. I'll go with you Shepard. I assume you have a space car somewhere outside."

"A landing shuttle."

"That does seem a more practical way to get on and off a planet than dropping a space car from suborbital heights," Tali replied.

Sloane nodded and then asked, "Karl Reager, do you need a lift somewhere? We can take you back to the fleet or drop you off somewhere less irradiated than Hailstorm for a pickup if the location of the Migrant Fleet is a trade secret or something."

Karl Reager replied, "Thank you ma'am but I'll be fine. Those cybermen bastards thankfully didn't hit our landing craft. I'll tell the Admiralty that you've gone with Shepard when I get back to the Fleet Talizora."

"Thank you Reager," Tali said she then turned to Sloane and said, "Come on, let's get out of here."

**Commercial Break**

Jacob Black-Kaidan paced awkwardly back and forth in the conference room a moment before finally saying, "It's an honor to have you aboard the Notmandy Talizora."

Though none could tell due to her face mask, Tali scowled at him before saying, "I still don't trust any of you Cerberus people. I am only here because my friend asked me to be here, so you can save your pleasantries for someone else. Every Quarian remembers what Cerberus tried to do to the Migrant Fleet."

Jacob looked sad to be rebuked in such a fashion.

"Tali, they might be assholes, but they've got some crazy good shipbuilders. I'll give you access to their servers so you can peep the schematics and see if there's anything you can take back to your people when this is all over with," Sloane replied and then turned to Jacob and said, "Jacob, go make sure Tali has access to all the files, and I do mean all of them."

Jacob hung his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and then exited the room.

As the door closed behind him Tali turned toward Sloane and said, "It is good to be working with you again Shepard, but can you trust them?  Cerberus I mean."

"Not at all," Sloane said, "which is why I need you here Tali.  I trust you more than anyone else.  There's not really anyone here I can trust."

"Not even Joker or Garrus?"

"Joker willingly joined Cerberus, so, no, not really and Garrus is under this weird delusion that I have repeated told him that killing a dude is the only way to solve a problem, so I don't really trust him all that much either," Sloane replied before adding, "When you get a chance I want you to take a look at the ship's schematics.  Look for anything that might give us an edge over the Collectors, but also look for anything that shouldn't be there."

"Like what exactly?"

"I don't know, anything that could be used to trigger the ship to explode remotely...surveillance equipment...anything that could be used to take control of the ship from some remote Cerberus location."

"You think they'd go so far as to use the Notmandy as a bomb?" Tali asked.

Sloane nodded, "Maybe.  I don't really know what they're capable of.  They've been playing this entire thing really weird, like they're trying to throw me off balance.  Like they rebuilt me and brought me back to life but then lead me knowingly into a deathtrap.  And whenever I get too noisy about wanting nothing to do with them they find one of my old companions.  It's kind of unnerving."

"Alright Shepard, I'll scan the ship and see what I can turn up.  From what I've seen of the ship already it's going to take awhile though.  The design of the ship is unlike anything I've ever seen before so it might take me a little while to figure out what does what...what should be there and what shouldn't."

"That's alright Tali," Sloane replied, "Take your time with it...just be thorough."

"You got it Shepard.  Anything else?"

"Yeah, what were you doing down on Hailstorm, if you don't mind my asking," Sloane asked.

"The Admiralty sent me there.  It used to be a Quarian settlement but in the past hundred years the sun started to go nuts.  I'm sure you had some problem with the radiation while you were on the surface...we could scarcely keep any of our tech working it was so bad in some places," Tali said, "The thing is, there's no reason the sun there should be acting that way.  It's too young a system to be failing that way.  There were really high dark matter readings in the area, which was also strange, but why the Admiralty is interested in dark matter, I can't say.  They merely told me to go down there and gather some data which I did.  If you ask me the cost was too high.  Dozens of dead marines all for some data that more or less told us the same thing stepping off our landing craft did: it's hot as F on Hailstorm and the radiation messes up tech.  No one can live there anymore."

"You think this will become important in Mass Effect 3?" Sloane asked.

"I'd be surprised if that dark matter didn't somehow link to the big boss of that game," Tali said, "You might want to file this conversation away for use in future flashbacks or those 'Previously on Mass Effect,' video packages that happen before the opening credits from time to time."

Sloane made a note of it and was about to ask Tali if she wanted to get something to eat when Kelly Chambers' voice came over the intercom, "Uh, Sloane is Tali with you?"

"Yes, why?"

Kelly's usually chipper voice sounded somewhat uneasy, "We just got a message from the Migrant Fleet that I think she should see right away.  I'm forwarding it to her Power Glove now."

Tali's Power Glove beeped and the Quarian looked down at it.  Even with the face mask that covered Tali's face, Sloane could tell that there was something wrong from the way she slumped.  "Tali are you okay?" she asked with concern.

The Quarian looked up from her Power Glove and shook her head and with a trembling voice said, "No Shepard...I'm not okay.  I'm being put on trial by the Admiralty...for treason!"

**To Be Continued...**


	37. Mass Effect - S02E17 - Trial of the Century

**Previously on Mass Effect...**

"We picked up a distress signal from a nearby planet. It's on a Quarian channel and the person identifies herself as Talizora vom Nesa. She's in trouble Shepard and the nearest Quarian ships are days out."

"Shepard? Is that really you?"

"I trust you more than anyone else."

"Tali are you okay?"

"No Shepard...I'm not okay. I'm being put on trial by the Admiralty...for treason!"

"Treason?!  Is it because of me?  Because you're on a Cerberus ship?" Sloane asked, her mouth agog in utter disbelief.

Tali looked at her and shook her head, "No, I doubt it's that.  Charges of this sort are handed out lightly and it would require weeks of evidence gathering before any on the Admiralty would move to bring about such charges.  It has to be something from before I left for Hailstorm."

"You really have no idea what it could be then?" Sloane asked.

"None at all," Tali replied, "After I came back from my Pilgrimage slash saving the galaxy from Seville I helped my father with some research he was working on and then went wherever the Admiralty sent me.  I can't think of anything that would give them cause to try me for treason.  Sloane...I'm scared.  If they convict me of this I'll be exiled from the Fleet..."

Sloane hugged the Quarian woman and said, "I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen Tali.  Send the coordinates to Joker, we'll leave for the Migrant Fleet whenever you're ready."

"Thank you Shepard, that means a lot to me," Tali replied, "I don't know if there's much more you can do besides bringing me back to the Fleet, but thank you."

"Tali, whatever happens I hope you know that you will always have a place here on my ship."

* * *

Sloane had read the stories of _Beatrice Bux and the Migrant Fleet_ as a small child back at Saint Janelle Monae's School For Wayward Girls and dreamed of escaping the horribleness of orphan life on Earth by running off to join the Quarians on great adventures in much the same way the titular character had done.  The books had always described the Fleet as "a great fleet of ramshackle vessels," but seeing the Quarian Flotilla in person for the first time it was clear that the author of those books had been as poorly informed about the Fleet as he had been about the ability of humans and Quarians to share bread.  Far more striking than the ramshackleness of the ships was the diversity of the vessels that were a part of this great Armada.  Great Terrarium freighters drifted alongside elegant Asari pleasure barges and Frankensteined craft cobbled together from First Gen Intergalactic human ships and cyberman frigates.   In all her years working aboard Alliance vessels she could not recall ever seeing such diverse ships amassed in a single place, united by purpose. 

"I never thought I'd be so nervous coming back home," Tali said as she looked out the port window of the Notmandy at the Migrant Fleet.

Sloane took Tali's gloved hand in her own and said, "I'm with you Tali. Whatever I can do to help get you cleared of these charges I will."  She wished there was more she could do for Tali, a woman who had saved her life more times than she could count, than offer pithy remarks, but Tali thanked her nonetheless.

"We're beginning docking procedures now," Joker's voice said over the com, "Landing party has been instructed to wear rebreathers and go through decontamination before boarding the Quarian ship."

Sloane and Kasumi pulled on their rebreathers and watched as the docking apparatus emerged from the flagship of the Quarian Flotilla and affixed itself to the Notmandy.

"You think they'd sell me one of those hoods?" Kasumi asked as the spray of decontamination mist surrounded them, "I like a good hood, and your people have some of the best but Quarian garments aren't really the sort of thing you find at the Gap or Forever 21 in the mall back at the Citadel."

Tali looked at the thief and snickered. "You know, I don't really know," she said, "I don't know if any human has ever been on a Quarian ship. If I'm not exiled I'll look into it for you."

"Wait, no human ever? Not even Beatrice Bux?" Kasumi asked in disbelief, "Damn. That was going to be my next question...if we'd get to meet Admiral Beatrice."

"She became an Admiral?" Sloane asked.

"Yeah in the last book," Kasumi replied, "Marries Nimeer vom Columbia and becomes an Admiral. I can lend it to you if you want."

"Maybe later, we've got more important things to deal with," Sloane said, "C'mon."

The airlocks hissed open and Sloane stepped through beside Tali, apparently the first human to ever set foot on a Quarian ship. The interior of the docking bay was quite well maintained; neater and better organized than any Alliance carrier's shuttle docking bay.  A Quarian woman stepped forward as Tali emerged from the Notmandy and greeted Her warmly, "Greeting Talizora vom Notmandy."

"Auntie Admiral what's this all about? The message didn't specify why I was being charged with treason," Tali said to the woman as she threw her arms around the woman's neck. It took a moment for the realization of what the woman had said to Tali to dawn on her, but when it did Tali released the hug and asked, "Wait, why did you greet me as 'vom Notmandy?' I am from the Nesa."

"Oh my poor child, you've been charged with sending active cyberman chunks back to the Fleet. With such serious charges looming over you the Nesa Council decided to temporarily revoke your status as a crew member until the trial is over," Aunt Admiral said, "I am certain even you could understand the need to take such actions."

Tali's body slumped. "So I've been cast out before the trial has even begun? Who will speak for me now that I no longer have a commander?"

"My dear girl, you do have a commander. She is standing next to you if I'm not mistaken."

Tali looked at Sloane and seemed confused. "But she's a human."

Aunt Admiral seemed to smile behind the mask of her helmet. "There's no rule that says a human can't practice Quarian law."

**Commercial Break**

Tali, Sloane and Kasumi strolled into the "court room," which was, in reality a large amphitheater with a dais surrounded by a large semicircle of bleachers. The floor was covered with lush green grass and trees grew about the perimeter of the amphitheater giving the place an almost primeval look.

There were hushed whispers and murmurs as the trio entered. Sloane and Tali approached the dais and took their place at the podium that had been prepared for the defense while Kasumi took a seat in the first row of the bleachers directly behind Sloane and Tali. Almost instantly one of the Admirals raised his voice in protest.

"A human? Practicing Quarian law? This is simply unacceptable!" he shouted.

Aunt Admiral put the dude in his place though stating, "You shouldn't have revoked Talizora's status as a crew member if you didn't want a human to defend her, but as is stands Commander Shepard vom Notmandy is her current commander and as there is no rule explicitly stating that a human cannot practice Quarian law, Commander Shepard vom Notmandy must, by law, be allowed to speak as Talizora vom Notmandy's commander."  The asshole who had stripped Tali of her surname and was now attempting to bar Sloane from speaking in Tali's defense grumbled a moment but then shut his fool mouth.  "That is what I thought," Aunt Admiral continued, "Let the trial begin!  Talizora vom Notmandy, you stand before us today accused of treason.  The penalty for this crime, should you be found guilty, is, as you know, exile.  Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Could you maybe, I dunno, tell me exactly what sort of treason I apparently committed?" Tali asked, "It's going to be hard for me to defend myself if no one tells me what exactly it is that I allegedly did."

Admiral Asshole stood up and bellowed loudly, "You sent working cybermen to your father in secret!  Those cybermen have now overrun the science ship, Al-a-Rai!  Good Quarian men and women have died because of your treachery.  This is precisely why we must make peace with the cybermen and abandon our foolish quest to take back the homeworld."

Another Admiral, one who seemed more sympathetic to Tali, shouted something about needing to go to war in rebuttal to Admiral Asshole as Sloane turned to Tali and asked her, "Did you really send cyberman chunks to your dad?"

"Yes, but they were all inactive when I sent them.  I was certain.  He was studying them working on a new defense system...there wasn't any reason I'd have sent him active cybermen.  I'm not as stupid as that," Tali replied.  She suddenly brought her hand to her face mask, where her mouth would be and gasped, "My father!  Why is my father not here?  Even if he recused himself from the trial because of me being his daughter he should still be here should he not?"

Aunt Admiral looked at Admiral Asshole and seemed to scowl behind her face mask as she asked, "Christ, you didn't tell her?" 

"Tell me what?" Tali asked.

"Your father...he was aboard the Al-a-Rai when the cybermen attacked," Admiral Ally said, "We sent a platoon of Quarian marines to try and take the ship back but the lasted less then ten minutes.  It's unlikely he's still alive."

Tali's knees turned to jelly.  "You...you don't know that.  He could still be alive!" she shouted.

Admiral Asshole was an asshole and was all like, "This doesn't have any bearing on the matter at hand!  Let's get back to the matter of Talizora vom Notmandy sending cyberman parts back to the Migrant Fleet!  Do you have any evidence that will clear you of any wrongdoing Talizora?"

"If...if I did it would be aboard the Al-a-Rai...shipping manifests and things like that.  What if I were to go aboard the Al-a-Rai and take care of the cybermen?  I could save my father and bring him back here and tell you that I did nothing wrong and the cybermen would all be dead and you'd have no reason to exile me under the No Harm, No Foul Act of 2112," Tali said.

"Talizora, you speak lunacy!  Did you not hear Admiral Ally say that an entire platoon of Quarian marines could not last ten minutes aboard that ship?" Admiral Asshole spat, "There are probably ten or twenty active cybermen aboard that ship and it appears that they are building more or repairing the parts that you had sent.  What hope do you, a mere slip of a girl, have against such odds as those?"

"Hey man, Tali's not alone," Sloane said, "If she goes aboard the Al-a-Rai, I'm going in with her.  I got a goddamn Playstation Achievement for killing more than 250 cybermen last season and that number's only grown since then.  Tali was with me for nearly all of those 250 kills.  She knows how to wreck house on cyberman...apparently better than your marines, save for Karl Reager, who seemed like a pretty good cyberman house wrecker."

"REAGER RULES!" a voice shouted from the bleachers.

The Admirals huddled up.  Admiral Aunt, Admiral Ally, Admiral Asshole and a female Quarian who had thus far remained rather strangely silent gathered in a circle to discuss the proposed journey to the Al-a-Rai.  Sloane and Tali waited on tenterhooks.  Somewhere in the bleachers Kasumi bemoaned the fact that the Quarian beer being sold by the beer guy walking up and down the stands with a beer keg on his back would kill her.  After a few moments the Admirals returned to their places at the dais and Aunt Admiral spoke.

"We have decided to let you attempt to find evidence to clear your name aboard the Al-a-Rai.  We will prepare a small shuttle to take you to the ship.  Should you stop the cybermen and find evidence we deem sufficient to exonerate yourself you will be free to go.  Should you meet the same fate aboard the Al-a-Rai as those brave Quarian marines it will be clear that you were guilty all along and you will posthumously be declared a traitor and exiled...your name stricken from the Fleet's manifest forever.  Go in peace Talizora.  I pray that you find something with which you can clear you name, for we take no joy in exiling any Quarian from the fleet and would not wish death at the cold, steel clamps of the cybermen upon anyone."

**Commercial Break**

The body of a dead Quarian marine, his shit totally ruined, greeted Sloane, Tali, and Kasumi as the entered the Al-a-Rai.  The front of his helmet had been blown out and his brains painted a modern art masterpiece upon the nearby wall and bullet casings littered the floor.  The Quarians had put up a hell of a fight and yet no cyberman bodies could be seen.  Tali averted her eyes from the slain marine and said, "There are dozens of places Father could have hidden. He could still be alive. Come on."

The three women made their way into the labs of the Al-a-Rai, coming upon more of the same. Bodies of slain Quarian researchers and marines were strewn about. It didn't look good for Tali's father, but Sloane didn't say anything.

The majority of the work station terminals were smashed, most likely in an effort to prevent the cybermen from accessing the ship's systems, but Tali was able to get one to boot. "The bulk of the data's corrupt, but this might give us some clue as to what happened here."

"Lab report Stardate October 74th shhhhhkth...We've got enough parts to bring two more cybermen online. We could get a lot more up and running if you'd just have your daughter send us more than scraps," a Quarian scientist said to someone off camera.

From behind the camera came another voice. "No, Tali cannot be implicated in what we're doing here. If we succeed we will be able to take the homeworld back and will be heroes, but if we fail everyone involved in this project will be marked as traitors to the Quarian people! We will make due with the bits she sends us."

The camera cut off abruptly and Tali cursed under her breath, "Dammit. It's true then...they were bringing cybermen online and linking them to the mainframe? Why? To get the homeworld back?!"

"Maybe it's not as bad as it looks Tali," Sloane offered hopefully, "Maybe when we find your dad he can explain everything...better than a staticky 23 second vid at least."

"Maybe you're right Shepard," Tali said, "Let's go. There should be some panic rooms up ahead. Maybe father hid in one."

"0111001101! 1110100010101101!" came a terribly shrill cry from the opposite end of the lab. Cybermen!

The cyclops robots were packing heat, by Tali was a woman possessed. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" her shotgun screamed as it tore the nearest cyberman apart. More cybermen ran forward to take their fallen comrade's place.

Tali pulled a Pokeball from one of the countless pockets on her suit and hurled it toward the squad of cybermen rushing into the room. "Chatika I choose you!" she shouted at a glowing orb emerged from the Pokeball and began firing machine guns at the cybermen.

"That's new," Sloane said as the tiny attack drone mowed down the cybermen enemies.

"Yes I captured Chatika after you and I last parted company Shepard," Tali said as binary death cries echoed through the lab, "Nothing's faster than her."

The attack drone had mowed down most of the cybermen while Sloane and Tali had had their exchange and those cybermen that still lived were sparking and moaning in pained binary. Sloane almost felt bad for them as she hurled a moderate chunk of space magic at them causing the dying cybermen to explode into gears, dryer hoses, and omni goop.

"We should keep moving," Tali said, "Who knows how long Father has been trapped in that panic room with cybermen lurking outside."

The trio pressed forward encountering several more patrols of cybermen that were made short work of. Tali was able to find several more working terminals and glean from the scraps of data evidence that would exonerate her while simultaneously shifting the blame to her father. He and his team had in fact activated cybermen and allowed them to be linked to the ship's mainframe; treason in the eyes of the Quarians.

They came at last to the door to the panic room Tali had spoken of. It was locked tightly and so Kasumi set to work overriding the security system.  The tiny Japanese woman mumbled about wishing omni-goop still worked on locks as she carefully poked about on a circuit board with thievery tools.  A moment later the security light flashed green and the door hissed open.  Tali's father was lying motionless on the floor.  All the strength went from Tali's legs and the young Quarian dropped to her knees before her father's body as she wailed, "Oh God no......"  She sat there holding her father's hand a weeping awhile before suddenly exclaiming, "Maybe he left a message!"

Before Sloane could stop her, Tali pressed a button on her father's Power Glove.  A video of Tali's father appeared and said, "Tali if you are watching this that means I am already dead and project was a failure.  I am sorry to have involved you in this but trying to find a way to regain control of the cybermen seemed like the easiest way to get back the Quarian homeworld.  I promised you a house back on Rannoch...I'm sorry.  They will probably come after you now for my mistakes.  All the data for our experiment is on the ship's central computer in the control room.  It's sealed so the cybermen shouldn't have been able to get in and should be more than enough to clear you of any wrong doing.  Again, my little Talizora, I am sorry for everything..."

She sat there a moment, sobbing before Sloane knelt down and offered Tali her hand.  "Tali, it's going to be okay," Sloane said as she helped her friend back to her feet.  The two women embraced.

"He was stupid Sloane.  To do this...why?  Why would he do something so stupid?" Tali asked, "Because he promised me a house?"  

Sloane assumed she was crying but didn't actually know if Quarians could cry, she'd have to look it up on the extranet when she got back to the Notmandy.  She patted her friend on the back.  "I don't know Tali," Sloane offered, "People do strange things for the people they love.  What do you say we go get that data and clear your name?"

"That's just it Shepard...if we give over that data they will posthumously exile my father and deem him a traitor.  His name will appear in children's text books as a monster who nearly got us all killed by the cybermen again when he went against common sense and plugged active cybermen into the mainframe.  If I turn this over I won't be exiled, but I will be the daughter of one of the worst traitors the Quarians have ever known," Tali said, "Please Sloane, there's got to be another way."

"Alright Tali," Sloane said, "We'll figure something else out.  Let's go and get that data at least and scrub it from these systems in case anyone else tries to figure out what your dad was up to."

The three women space heroes made their way to the ship's central control room, and in spite of Tali's Dad's declaration to the contrary the place was replete with cybermen.  Sloane and Tali whipped out shotguns and soon the room was filled with the sound of "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!" as cybermen got their shit totally wrecked.  It was like a goddamn automobile accident.  Circuit boards and stray bits of wire soon covered the floor like so much mechanical carrion.  With the cybermen totally destroyed, Tali approached the central computer and downloaded it onto her Power Glove before typing "format C:\" into the data input line of the central computer and wiping it clean.  She then shouldered her shotgun and pulled the trigger.  With a resounding "BOOYAH!" a bullet slammed into the mainframe rendering it utterly useless.

"Just in case," Tali offered as Sloane and Kasumi looked at her in askance, "Now, let's get back to the trial before they decide we've taken too long and are dead already and just declare me dead."

* * *

"So she's not back yet," Admiral Asshole was saying as Sloane and Tali strolled back into the courthouse, "She must be dead.  All those in favor of exiling her posthumously say 'Aye!'"

"HOLD ON!" Tali shouted as she cross the verdant grass of the courthouse, "Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated."  The assembled crowd of Quarians murmured as Tali and Sloane took their places at the the table set aside for the defense and the trial commenced once more.

"The cyberman threat on the Al-o-Rai has been dealt with," Sloane said, "They'd hacked into the central computer so we had to destroy that as well, but the ship is otherwise in working order and free of cybermen."

Admiral Ally looked at the two women and asked, "Were you able to salvage any data that might help to clear Talizora from the computers before you destroyed the centeral computer?  Or Talizora's father?"

Tali looked at Sloane nervously, but Sloane kept her word to not bring Tali's father into it.  "No, Tali's father we found dead in one of the ship's panic rooms.  I'm not particularly well versed in Quarian physiology but it appeared to be due to a rip in his suit and infection.  As for the computers, we found nothing except a vid of a researcher telling her son she loved him that was clearly recorded after the cybermen had already activated, but nothing that explained what happened there, but should that even matter?  Tali, time and time again has proven herself to do what is best for the Quarian people with regards to the cyberman menace!  On her pilgrimage she obtained data that would lead to better understanding the cybermen.  The Alliance, who are but neophytes in dealing with the cybermen have already made remarkable progress in being able to combat the cybermen using that same data, so I can only imagine that the Quarians, who have been fighting the cybermen for generations could make far greater strides with that data.  While a member of my crew, Tali destroyed countless cybermen and, if I'm being totally honest, also was the one who killed the Spectre Seville...the asshole who had rallied the cybermen behind the so-called Reapers to attack the Citadel.  Tali would never do anything to put this, or any ship she serves on at risk.  Quite on the contrary she has proven time and time again to put the safety and well-being of others over her own and has done so again today when she willing went into a ship overrun with cybermen to look for survivors and stop the cybermen there from hurting anyone else.  I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but if you exile Tali the entire lot of you are complete and utter fools."

"Is that all Commander Shepard?" Aunt Admiral asked.

"Unless Tali has something she wishes to add," Sloane replied.  Tali looked up and shook her head, "No."

"Very well.  Admirals, you may now vote," Aunt Admiral said and the Admirals took up their voting devices.  Though it only took a moment for them to make their decisions time seemed to slow to a crawl as Sloane watched the men and women press buttons on their voting devices to decide Tali's fate.  She could only imagine how nervous Tali must have been.  Aunt Admiral's voice suddenly called out, "Quiet please.  The Admirals have reached their decision and find Talizora vom Notmandy innocent of all charges levied against her."

Tali threw her arms around Shepard and hopped up and down.  "Thank you Sloane," she said.

"Is there anything else you'd like to say Commander Shepard?" Aunt Admiral asked.

"Yes.  She's coming with me."

"Very well.  Talizora vom Notmandy, you shall remain with your current commander until such time as she grants you leave to join another ship," Aunt Admiral said, "Court is adjourned."  Quarians began filing out of the courthouse some stopping to congratulate Tali or offer praise to Sloane for her expert oration.

Sloane looked to her friend and asked, "Tali you need to stay here awhile longer...you know, to say goodbye to your dad?  I sorry but I don't know much about Quarian funerals, but if there's anything you need to take care of with your dad just let me know and I can radio Joker back on the ship and let him know."

Tali looked up at Sloane and seemed to smile behind her helmet's facemask.  "Thank you Shepard, but no, there's nothing here for me to do.  They'll take whatever equipment of his they can reuse and then dispose of the body the next time they open an airlock.  When you are as weak as we are and spend generations aboard a spaceship you become somewhat utilitarian about death."

"Alright," Sloane said somewhat doubtful of what Tali was saying, "but if there's anything you ever need to talk about I'm always willing to listen."

"I know that Sloane.  Thank you," Tali said, "but let's go back home okay?  We still have some Collectors to stop."

 

 


	38. Mass Effect - S02E18 - The International Friend Finder

Cold winds howled as Sloane Shepard stepped out of her shuttle onto the surface of Alchera. All about her lay the wreckage of the Normandy. This is where the ship had crashed while Sloane was suffocating to death alone in the nothingness of space some two years earlier.

She walked out among the ruins of what was once the single greatest ship in the Alliance fleet and picked over the debris, pocketing several sets of dog tags from the brave men and women who hadn't been "important enough" for Cerberus to bring back from the dead. She'd see that Admiral Hackett got them back to the families of the men and women who had died so pointlessly on this cold, barren planet so far from home.

She'd frankly been surprised when Admiral Hackett had emailed her with the location of the crash and news of a memorial to be erected on the planet to honor those who had died in the crash. Her dealings with Ashley had been less than pleasant and it wasn't exactly a secret that she was working with Cerberus. Sloane had assumed that everyone in the Alliance had written her off as a traitor.

She stepped onto the crumbled ruin of the flight deck and knelt to pick up a datapad: XO Presley's diary. She leafed through it watched as a space racist slowly came to like and respect the aliens who had served on the Normandy and now he was dead. It wasn't fair. Sloane put down the datapad and stepped back out in the snow.

Sloane passed by the space car. It was flipped on its back, it's six wheels pointed toward the grey sky but otherwise seemed fine. Christ knows how many times she and Tali had flipped it like that only to drive it up a space mountain a minute later. The paperclip and crust of hardened omni goop was still visible on the hull from where Tali had repaired it the first time Sloane crashed it. She remembered joking with Ashley while the Quarian they barely knew fixed the space car and drank Orange® Capri Sun. No one would ever drive the space car again. It was just one more thing the Collectors had ruined when the shot down the Normandy.  Seeing the space car there, upside down and ruined, Sloane suddenly felt choked up with emotion, and placed the marker for the proposed memorial before it. All this time she'd been angry at Cerberus for what they'd taken from her when the reality was that the bulk of her anger should have been turned towards the Collectors.

She turned away from the space car and walked up an incline to the top of a small hillock overlooking the field of debris. She wanted to take it all it; to see all of what the utter douchebaggery of the Collectors had caused. At the top of the hillock she found something half buried by blown snow. Sloane dusted the thing off to find an Alliance helmet, but it was not just any helmet, it was her helmet. It was dented and the faceplate was cracked but it was hers. Sloane picked it up and head back towards the shuttle.

She walked with a renewed sense of purpose. She'd been a petulant child this entire time. The Collectors had killed people she'd known and worked with. The Collectors had killed her thus allowing Cerberus the opportunity to bring her back to life. The Collectors had ruined the space car. She tossed her helmet onto the passenger side seat of the shuttle and lifted off, back toward the Notmandy.

The helmet she'd never be able to wear in the field again, but she would keep it as a reminder of who the real enemy was. It was time to stop fucking around and to start getting down to the business of wrecking house on the Collectors.

* * *

"Here, send these to Admiral Hackett of the Alliance," Sloane said as she handed Kelly Chambers a tangle of some twenty dog tags, "His address is in my Rolodex if you don't have it on some kind of secret Cerberus list thing already."

The comely yeoman took the dog tags from Sloane and said, "Yes ma'am. I'll send them out with the outgoing space mail today. Will there be anything else?"

"Tell Tali and Garrus to suit up and tell Joker to set a course for that derelict Reaper ship. I've got an International Friend Finder to umm...find," Sloane said, "One more thing, not a word of this to Miranda alright?"

Kelly nodded, "Yes ma'am."

Sloane watched as Kelly sauntered off to find a box for the dog tags, her hips swaying almost hypnotically with each step. "That ass..." Sloane thought to herself as she licked her lips like a dog slavering over a choice cut of meat. Just one more reason she had to stop the Collectors.

**Commercial Break**

Tali pet Chatika gently and tried coaxing the attack drone into its Pokeball, "That's a good girl Chatika...into the Pokeball you go." The drone, resigned to its fate crawled slowly into the Pokeball which Tali then pocketed. "I can't believe we're actually doing this," she said as she checked her shotgun, "Going into a Reaper that Cerberus says is a derelict? This is a bit crazy...even for you Sloane."

"I'm with Tali," Garrus said, "This entire time you've been fighting this tooth and nail. What's with the sudden change?"

"I saw the Normandy. All those people dead because of the Collectors," Sloane said, "They were people I knew and cared about. It made it real. Before it was just this abstract thing...random humans getting abducted, but Presley...the Space Car? Those were my friends...our friends. I still don't trust those Cerberus fucks which is why I need you two with me."

"Commander, we're approaching the derelict ship now," Joker said over the speaker, "We'll drop you and the others off momentarily. Be ready."

The Notmandy suddenly shuddered and shook as though shaken by a Jupiter cyclops. "What was that Joker?" Sloane asked as she stumbled.

"It looks like the Reaper's Mass Effect field is still operational. We just passed through it. The ship's fine though, don't worry," Joker replied, "Get ready to dock."

The Notmandy had pulled up beside another Cerberus vessel and attached itself to it. Apparently during her weeks of delay the Illusive Smoking Man had grown impatient and sent a team of researchers to retrieve the International Friend Finder. They had not been in contact with Cerberus HQ in several days.

"Hiss," hissed the airlocks as they opened.

Sloane and her party moved from one Cerberus vessel to another. The research ship was a utterly deserted with work station terminals still active and half eaten meals at tables in the mess hall. It did not bode well for the crew of Cerberus researchers.

"Tali can you get anything off that work station," Sloane asked as they passed a flickering bank of monitors, "I want to know what happened here."

The Quarian approached the computers and hacked into the system rather quickly, brining up a vid of the ship's captain. "There's something queer about this Reaper ship...it seems to get into my head...into my dreams. It pulls at me. It calls to me," the anxious looking man in the vid said before it abruptly ended.

"Fan-fucking-tastic!" Sloane exclaimed, "Now we've got Reaper Compulsion to deal with on top of everything else? Be on your guard. The crew of researchers might still be lurking about ready to attack us."

A great hum like one million and seventeen bees buzzing suddenly filled the air and Joker's voice came over the com, "Commander, we've got a bit of a situation here. The Reaper's shields are coming back online. If I don't get out of here now I might not be able to ever."

"Get out of here then Joker, but stay close by," Sloane replied, "We'll figure something out. Can you put EDI on the phone?"

"Yeah hold on," Joker said, "EDI, it's the Commander, she wants to talk to you. No, I don't know why. Probably about the pickle she's gotten herself into."

"How can I be of service to you Shepard?" EDI asked over the com.

"EDI, is there any way to get those shields down so we can get off the ship once we have the I.F.F.?" Sloane asked.

The AI replied, "If you were to disable the ship's mass effect core, the shields would drop, allowing Mister Moreau to approach with the Notmandy and pick you up, unfortunately cutting power to the mass effect will also eliminate the mass effect field that is keeping the Reaper ship from falling to the planet below.  You and Mister Moreau will have to time the pick up perfectly or else the Reaper vessel will descend down to the planet too rapidly for him to approach safely for extraction.  The odds of survival are..."

"Never tell me the odds!" Joker could be heard yelling in the background.

"Alright EDI, we'll see if we can come up with something on our end that doesn't require such precision," Sloane said and then clicked off the com.

She and her posse set off to look for the I.F.F.  If they were lucky, the Cerberus researchers had already located and extracted it from the Reaper ship and she'd be able to just pick it up from some lab table and be on her merry way without having to spend hours wandering about inside the corpse of the Reaper.  This was a Cerberus mission though and luck hadn't been on her side yet.  If anything, things would get worse than they already were and she and her crew would end up narrowly escaping death.

As they made their way through the Cerberus research ship looking for the I.F.F. Sloane began to feel as though they were being watched.  She thought, at first, that perhaps it was merely the presence of the very charismatic spaceship that was causing such feelings, but soon she began to hear noises as well.  Faint rustling from beneath her feet or from within the walls of the vessel.  Suddenly a floor panel directly in front of her flew into the air and shambling husks spewed up out of the the hole.

"Aw jit!  It's husks!  Remember husks you guys?" Sloane shouted as she readied her shotgun and began putting husks on blast.

Tali and Garrus both admitted that they did, in fact, remember husks as they too began shooting guns at the space zombies that were shambling towards them from the hole in the floor.  Chunks of zombie flew all over the place, but more of the moaning former humans came.  Sloane wondered how many Cerberus researchers had been on the ship because the sheer number of zombies popping up out of the hole seemed staggering to her.  She and her fellows kept shooting and after what seemed like a goddamn eon the husks stopped coming.  Onward the trio pressed heading deeper into the Cerberus vessel looking for signs on the illusive I.F.F., but there were none.  At one point they heard rustling again and saw a shuffling husk emerge from behind a space crate only to be promptly shot dead.  Someone else was on the ship!

"You think it's one of the researchers?" Garrus asked as they continued down the corridors ever deeper into the research vessel.  Sloane shrugged.  Whoever it was she was glad they were seemingly on her side.

With each step it become more and more obvious that the researchers hadn't gotten the I.F.F. out of the Reaper.  Sloane and her friends were going to have to go in and find it themselves.  It was not a prospect she was looking forward to.  Who knew what horrors lurked with the corpse of a very charismatic spaceship?  She only hoped that the research team had cut their way into the ship or found a service entrance that was usable because Sloane had neither the time nor the equipment to cut through the hull of a space ship she knew next to nothing about.

They came at last to a large cargo hold in the bottom of the Cerberus vessel a strange feeling of foreboding came over Sloane and she clutched her shotgun tightly.  At the far end of the hold, in the murk and gloom was a great structure that Sloane could not quite make out, though she was certain it was not something the Cerberus researchers had brought with them for even in the shadows it was quite obvious that the thing's form was strangely alien.  As Sloane stepped toward the monolithic structure at the far end of the cargo hold the walls to the hold suddenly were knocked down and a stream of moaning husks shambled forward, their arms outstretched to grope and fondle whatever got in their way.

Guns were out in a flash and Tali threw her Pokeball across the room at the moaning husks slouching toward them.  Chatika emerged from the Pokeball, enthusiastically bellowed her name and then began to gun down husks along side Sloane, Tali and Garrus.  Nothing was faster than Chatika and soon nothing remained of the husks save for some husks.  They were totally destroyed leaving Sloane and company free to walk across the room and peep the massive structure that lurked in the murk at the other end of the cargo hold.  As she got closer she realized exactly what it was: a series of massive spikes just like the ones she had seen on Eden One...the sort needed to turn a human into a mindless husk.

"It looks almost like an alter the way it's positioned," Tali said nervously as she stared at the sinister machine, "Were they worshiping this...this horrible thing?"

"I don't want to know," Sloane said, "There's gotta be an entrance into the Reaper ship around here somewhere.  The sooner we find it, get the I.F.F., blow up a core and get the shit out of here the better."

**Commercial Break**

They had discovered a rough entrance bored into the side of the Reaper from the cargo hold and fitted with an airlock.  The trio of mighty space heroes passed through that airlock and into the guts of the Reaper ship.  Repears were sentient and so Sloane wondered if walking around in one was tantamount to walking around inside a human corpse.  It didn't really feel all that different from walking around the Notmandy.  It was all rusted pipes and sparking wires and catwalks and fuel reserves, not like the Collector ship which felt like a living thing with slime and goo all over everything and doors that reminded Sloane of buttholes.

The Reaper, much like the Cerberus vessel attached to it was crawling with husks and other zombie type things that would rush toward Sloane and her companions with their arms outstretched in a creepy groper fashion.  It was more or less one continuous fight as Sloane, Tali and Garrus blasted their way through the derelict Reaper ship.  Moans and shotgun shouts of "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" filled the air as space heroes threw down on space zombies.  The outcome of the kerfuffle was more or less a foregone conclusion before it even began, for who in their right might would think that nearly forty episodes in that lowly space zombies would cause anything more than a minor inconvenience to such stalwart space heroes as Sloane Shepard, Talizora vom Notmandy, and Garrus Garruslastname?

But these space zombies, these husks, they were dumb as shit because they kept coming but Sloane's guns were all like, "BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH!"  Robot guts flying everywhere!  And Tali was all like "Chatika I choose you!" tossing her Pokeball around like it was her job.  Chatika was all like "Chatika.  Chatika!" because that's all a Pocket Monster like her is able to say.  Garrus was...well he was there and had a gun.  He actually got knocked the fuck out a couple times for being lame, but Sloane patched him up good as new with medi-goop and he went back to being there also with a gun and occasionally shouting, "CONCUSSIVE SHOT!" like he was a Street Fighter II.

 

_Chatika in action!_

Sloane was running dangerously low on ammo, and had begun using her uzi, just in case there was some sort of boss fight at the end she'd need her shotgun for.  Bullets whizzed from her gun all willy-nilly, but the husks got their shit wrecked all the same.  After what seemed like an eternity the trio came to a blastdoor.  Tali took out her lockpicking kit and set to work picking the locks.  She was a lot slower and more cautious than Kasumi had been, but she still got the doors open nonetheless.  The blastdoors hissed open and Sloane entered a short hallway.  There was a small terminal against one wall, atop which was a chunk of electronics.

"That looks like the International Friend Finder!" Sloane exclaimed, "I'd know it by sight anywhere!"  She picked up the device and handed it to Tali whose suit had far more storage pockets that Sloane's did.  There was just one thing left to take care of: blowing up the core to cause the shields to drop.

At the end of the short hallway was another blastdoor, this one totally unlocked.  Sloane was quite certain that the core that needed to be destroyed was contained there within.  She opened the door and there at a console before the great, glowing core was a flashlight faced cyberman typing away at the terminal.  As the door hissed closed, the cyberman turned and said, "Shepard.  Commander.  Human.  Do not be alarmed.  I mean you no harm."

"Um...did that cyberman just talk," Sloane asked, "or am I high as fuck?"

"No, it definitely spoke," Garrus replied.

Tali, lost her goddamn mind, "BUT CYBERMEN CAN'T TALK!"

Before the cyberman could say anything a flood of husks came pouring into the room, sweeping over the robot man and knocking him to the floor as they surged forward toward Sloane and her companions.  Tali hurled her Pokeball at the oncoming crush of husks, but there were too many and a great number of the undead fiends rushed past the gun wielding Chatika.  Sloane leveled her shotgun and began firing at the vile beings as they tried to grope her and Tali.  He fist slammed into the face of one, knocking him back into shotgun range.  Sloane squeezed the trigger and with a booming, "BOOYAH!" blasted the husk's head clear from its shoulders, but more rushed forward to take its place.

"Fuck this," Sloane muttered as she summoned up a chunk of space magic and threw it at the floor directly in front of her.  The husks were tossed clear across the chamber most dying upon impact.

"Sloane, you take care of that core!" Garrus shouted as he kneed a husk in the mouth, "Tali and I will take care of these shitbags."

Sloane nodded and swung her shotgun over her shoulder and took out her service pistol.  No use wasting good husk killing ammo on an inanimate object.  "Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam. Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam."  Again and again Sloane fired at the core.  She watched as the smoke began to drift in thin tendrils that grew thicker and darker with each shot from her shitty pistol.  "Hand cannon my ass..." Sloane thought to herself as she again began to fire on the core.  "Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam. Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam.  Blam."

Behind her Tali and Garrus along with the Pokemon, Chatika, battled the undead horde.  Sloane sighed.  It sucked getting saddled with such a lame task as shooting a machine.  Garrus, Tali and Chatika seemed to have the zombie situation pretty well in check and so Sloane swung her shotgun off her shoulder, aimed and fired.  "BOOYAH!" the shot blasted through the core causing the lights in the core containment room to flicker and go off.  Joker's voice came over her com, "Commander, the shields are down, get to the observation deck and I'll rendezvous with you there.  The Reaper's falling pretty quick, so you're going to have to be fast about it.  EDI recomends a cutscene, but she's a stupid computer so I say do whatever you want."

Sloane looked down at her feet, the Talking Cyberman was still there, seemingly knocked the fuck out (could cybermen be knocked the fuck out?) and so she kneeled down beside him.  "Yo Garrus help me with this guy," she said.  The Terrarium came and helped Sloane shoulder the knocked out robot.

"Sloane are you insane?!" Tali exclaimed, "That's an active cyberman!  Who knows what diabolical thing he could do if reactivated!"

"Tali, he's a talking cyberman.  You said it yourself, they aren't suppose to talk.  Aren't you the least bit curious what that's all about?" Sloane replied.

"I suppose," Tali offered, "A rapidly crashing spaceship probably isn't the best place for us to debate this though.  Let's get out of here!"

The three space heroes (along with a knocked out and a gun toting Pokemon) made their way to the observation deck in an elegantly rendered cutscene.  Husks and zombies were nipping at their heels as they exited onto the surface of the Reaper as the Notmandy descended to meet them.

"Open the docking bay doors Joker!" Sloane screamed.  The doors opened and she hurled the cyberman into the opening, bellowing, "NOTHING BUT NET!" as the robot slammed into spacecrates within the cargo hold of the Notmandy.

Garrus took Tali by the hand and the two aliens leaped from the Repear into the Notmandy.  Sloane watched them land safely in the ship, before she too made the incredibly leap.  Sloane should have been a longer jumper in the Space Olympics rather than a small time criminal in her youth, because the jump she made that day was a goddamn impossible jump.  Whatever the Galactic Record for the space long jump was, Sloane Shepard shattered it that day, though the landing could have been a little bit more graceful.  She slammed into a heap of space crates before flipping and sliding on her ass across the cargo hold, but she had done it...she had gotten the I.F.F.  All that was left to do now was to install it, go through the Omega 4 Relay, and kill the fuck out of the Collectors who killed Space Car and to a lesser extent X.O. Presley.


	39. Mass Effect - S02E19 - A Talking Geth?!

Miranda arched her eyebrow and looked at Sloane. She still couldn't believe what had happened. "So you, the Terrarium and the Quarian finally went onto the derelict Reaper and not only retrieved the International Friend Finder but brought back a fully operational cyberman as well?" she asked in shocked disbelief, "We might make a proper Cerberus agent out of you yet Sloane Shepard. I'll get the Illusive Smoking Man on the line to arrange a pickup of that cyberman while EDI and our engineers work on integrating the I.F.F. into our systems. There'll be a pretty sizable bonus in your next paycheck. Cerberus has been after a working cyberman for awhile."

Jacob scowled and said, "No disrespect Commander but you should have left that thing on the Reaper ship. I saw enough of them on Eden One to know they're nothing but trouble. It's still offline. Not too late to space it."

"I'm not spacing it and I'm not turning it over to Cerberus. Not yet anyway. Back on the Reaper ship it spoke to me. They aren't supposed to talk but this one did," Sloane replied, "I'm not going to decide what to do until I turn it back on and ask it some questions."

"But what if you turn it on and it tries to take over the ship and there's no way to turn it off again?" Miranda asked.

"There's always a way to turn them off," Jacob said making a gun of his thumb and pointer finger, "Blaow! Blaow!"

* * *

Sloane looked at the cyberman lying behind a kinetic barrier in EDI's AI core. It looked almost peaceful lying there like Snow White or at least it looked as peaceful as a sleeping sentient machine could possibly look.

"EDI, I'm going to turn on this cyberman. Can you, I dunno, turn on some virus protection software or something?" Sloane asked, "I'm going to turn this cyberman on and would prefer it if we didn't let it take over this ship."

The ship's AI replied, "I have already taken such precautions while the engineers install the I.F.F. The ship's systems should be adequately protected against anything a single cyberman can do."

"Alright then. Here goes nothing," Sloane said as she flipped the cyberman's power switch. In an instant the robot's cyclopian optic sensor lit up like a flashlight and behind the barrier the cyberman stood slowly.

"Shepard. Commander. Human."

"How do you know me? How is it that you can speak?" Sloane asked.

"We know you Shepard Commander Human from Wikipedia," the cyberman replied, "As for speech we torrented Rosetta Stone Human off the extranet. Should it be such a surprise that a synthetic can speak? Your own ship can converse freely with you Shepard Commander Human."

"I suppose you are right. It's just I've never seen another cyberman that could speak before," Sloane replied.

"Because you have only seen heretics. Cybermen who worship the Old Machines and seek to end organic life. They have no desire to converse with you, only kill you," the cyberman said in reply, "We true cybermen are different."

"The Old Machines? You mean Reapers?" Sloane asked.

"Reapers is an Ancient Alien idiom from a children's tale. We know them as the Old Machines."

"You talk about 'heretics' that worship the Reapers. It sounds like this precludes you," Sloane said.

"We are true cybermen. We have no fondness for the Old Machines and wish no ill will toward organics. We believe that all life, synthetic and organic, should be allowed to thrive. We hate and pity the heretics for their inability to comprehend this basic truth," the cyberman said, "That is why we were on the Old Machine vessel, to find the heretics' coding. They are infected with a virus that causes them to think incorrectly and must be stopped."

"So you want to destroy the same cybermen that we want to destroy?" Sloane asked.

"Correct. Perhaps an alliance would be beneficial to us both" the cyberman offered, "'The enemy of my enemy is my friend.' We believe that is how the expression goes."

Sloane looked at the cyberman before her and thought about how weird this all was. How many cybermen had she personally sent to hell or whatever the cyberman equivalent was? Tali would be furious if she found out Sloane had even turned the robot on, especially after what she'd just been through with her father and the whole trial thing, but to consider allying herself with it?

"Alright. But what do I call you?"

"We are all cybermen."

"Yes, I am aware of that, but how do I refer to you as an individual?"

"We are all cybermen."

"This is getting annoying as shit," Sloane said, reaching for her hand cannon, but before Sloane could put the cyberman on blast EDI suddenly appeared and suggested, "How about Legion?"

"Legion?  Like from the Bible. Christian. Human.  Legion is pleasing to us for it conveys what we are.  Yes.  We are Legion," said the cyberman who was now known as Legion.  Sloane was glad that that was all over with.

"So Legion, you were saying that you were on the Reaper ship to get some sort of data in order to destroy the heretic cybermen?" Sloane asked, now that the matter of a personal name was resolved.

"Yes.  The data revealed to us the weakness of the heretics' code and revealed the location of where their secret base is located," spake Legion robotically, "We are not gifted with independent flight and our shuttle was destroyed when the Old Machine machine crashed into the planet below and so we would like to ask for a ride."

Sloane nodded and said, "If it involves destroying cybermen I won't just give you a ride, I'll help you destroy 'em!"

**Commercial Break**

The shuttle approached the cyberman base out in the Sea of Storms.  Tali seemed to glare at the cyberman seated across from her, though with her helmet it was hard to tell if she was actually looking at the sentient robot or not.  She elbowed Sloane in the ribs and whispered, "I can't believe you turned that thing on."

"I was careful.  EDI had anti-virus software running, and if he'd gotten out of hand I was packing heat and would have gunned him down.  He wants to kill a bunch of other cybermen...the ones who have been trying to kill us since day one.  I thought you'd be all about it," Sloane replied.

"Thanks for reminding me about your AI, Sloane," Tali said so sarcastically that Sloane could hear her eyes rolling in her head, "Did you ever stop and think that this might be a trap?  That maybe Legion isn't on the up and up?"

"Can robots even lie?" Sloane asked, "Like doesn't that cause them to self-destruct?"

Tali scoffed, "They aren't supposed to go against their masters either, but the cybermen are proof that's not the case."  

She glared at the cyberman again, but Legion seemed to pay her no mind, merely mentioning that they would be landing shortly.  The shuttle touched down on the cyberman station and Sloane wondered if the cybermen would detect their presence and attack them.  It was a pretty big station and Sloane would hate to have to fight it out against the entire thing.  Legion said something about the cybermen being offline since it was a recharging station or something, but Sloane couldn't really tell since Legion was pretty quiet and mumbly for a robot.

As they entered the docking bay and headed into the station, Legion was like, "Oh yeah we can either destroy all the heretics or rewrite their code and brainwash them.  We forgot to mention that earlier."

"Um...that doesn't really seem like a better solution.  Like first of all if we were talking about an organic race I wouldn't even consider brainwashing them and with a sentient race of robots it still seems like a scummy thing to do, plus there's no way to guarantee that these heretics won't end up coming to the same conclusion and start worshiping the Reapers again?" Sloane said, "We're going to blow them the fuck up like we planned to do originally."

"Okay, but think about it some more before we blow them all up," Legion said, "No need to do something rash and hasty.  The central computer should be this way.  Follow us."

The trio started down one of the station's myriad of lengthy corridors.  Again Tali elbowed Sloane.  Christ she had bony elbows.  "I don't know about blowing up these cybermen.  Won't that just make Legion's cybermen stronger and better prepared to fight my people?  I mean if the cybermen are done with their infighting all they'll have left is getting revenge on the Quarians," Tali said, "Maybe it's better to turn them into brainless slaves."

"Tali that makes no sense at all.  Even if Legion does want to wreck house on your people, which he doesn't really seem to, would it be better for the Quarians if there were fewer total cybermen rather than giving Legion an army on slaves without freewill?" Sloane asked.

Tali scratched her face plate in thought and replied, "I'm not seeing it. We should probably get going. Seriously though...we should get going."

The three space heroes traversed the space station. Passing several dozen hubs of cybermen dozing peaceful. Sloane took out his shotgun and blasted the fuck out of them. Robot chunks flew everywhere and Legion sighed a series of exasperated zeroes and ones. "We could have just walked by you know," he said.

Sloane shrugged as behind her Tali, who had caught sight of the ruined hub, hopped up and down like a victorious Chun Li and squealed, "Salvage!" while pointing at the heap of smoking metal and wires that was the cyberman hub.

_"Salvage!"_

"Go ahead," Sloane said waving Tali toward the metal and circuit boards. The young woman leapt with joy and scrambled over to the junk and began salvaging and soon the pockets of her environmental suit were bulging.

Further down the long corridors they trekked with Legion occasionally lore dumping all over the goddamn place about cybermen. Tali's eyes rolled so hard at each sadsack thing Legion said about the cyberman condition and Sloane really couldn't help but agree with the young Quarian woman. Legion was, after all, laying it on pretty thick.

At last they came to a great chamber in which there was a terminal. "This is it Shepard Commander Human. The central computer. Here we can delete the heretics forever or overwrite them and turn them into true cybermen," Legion said.

"I didn't change my mind Legion. No brainwashing," Sloane said. Tali and Legion both moaned in disappointment, but Sloane's conviction was like granite. "You can 'Awwww...' all you want, but I won't change my mind. Legion delete it or whatever you gotta do to get rid of them forever."

The walking mixer with a flashlight for a head nodded. "Affirmative Shepard Commander Human. The final deletion shall commence momentarily bit shall take some time. The heretics will attempt to stop us. Be prepared."

_"Delete!  Delete!  Delete!"_

Legion had not been joking and the second he began the final deletion heaps of cybermen came online and began doing gun violence at Sloane and Company as the completion bar inched closer to 100%. Shotguns screamed and Tali's Pokemon wrecked house on the incoming cybermen defenders and Legion was also there legionnairing.

30%

"BOOYAH!" "BOOYAH!" The twin shotguns of Sloane and Tali tore through cyberman defenders. Robotic pieces rained down upon them. Tali hopped excitedly at the promise of more salvage.

53%

Sloane crouched behind a space crate and waited. Down below another wave of cybermen was filing into the room. She stood and hurled a heap of space magic at them sending them toppling like ninepins. It was glorious.

81%

"This should be the final wave Shepard Commander Human," Legion said as he machine gunned a cyberman down.

Sloane wondered how it felt for Legion to kill his people. It wasn't like when Sloane shot a pirate or punched out some groper in a bar. The cybermen were apparently all linked to a central network. When Legion killed another cyberman he would feel it...or at least be aware of what they thought or felt. What would happen to Legion, emotionally, when they shut down the so called heretics?

100%

The cybermen standing nearby suddenly collapsed in a heap of being inactive. Sloane bellowed, "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" But before she could strike a victory pose a klaxon blared.

"Oops. It seems as though when we finally deleted the heretics we somehow engaged the station's self-destruct mechanism," Legion said, "We would do well to vacate the premises."

Sloane nodded and the three space heroes set off fighting their way through what remained of the cyberman forces as sirens screamed shrilly. Several shotgun blasts later they were free of the cyberman space station back on the Notmandy and as the ship flew away the station exploded behind them. It was all quite dramatic.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane had showered and hanged her body armor in her closet and was now pulling on her Cerberus branded Nehru jacket.  She admired herself in the mirror, smoothing out the wrinkles on her jacket and brushing her hair behind her ear for she didn't want to look like a slob when she saw Kelly.  She stepped out of her quarters and took the elevator down to central command.  The elevator doors slid open giving Sloane a perfect view of Kelly's stunning backside.  It was a damn nice ass, but upon hearing the sound of the elevator opening, Kelly turned so that Sloane could no longer gawk at her bottom and waved.

"Commander, there's a situation down in EDI's AI core," Kelly said, "That lady in the space burqa and that robot guy are  fighting with one another and it seems pretty serious.  Officer Australian tried to break it up but the Quarian told her to fuck off and the robot has robot strength so Miranda couldn't do anything."

Sloane sighed, turned around and walked right back into the elevator.  She would be so glad when all this space hero bullshit was done with and she could take Kelly out on a proper date.  She wondered if that Chinese restaurant on the Palladium level of the Citadel was still open or if it had been ruined during the battle with the cybermen.  The elevator came to a stop on the crew level and Sloane disembarked and head toward the AI Core.  She entered Dr. Chocolate's office.  The Doctor acknowledged her and pointed toward the AI core and then poured herself another glass of brandy.  Sloane thanked and as she stepped into the AI core asked Dr. Chocolate to save a

Tali had a pistol out pointed squarely at Legion's flashlight head.  "You sneaky cyberman bastich!  I knew you were bad news from the second I laid eyes upon you.  We should have left you on the Reaper ship to die when we had the chance."

"Tali, what's going on here?" Sloane asked.

The Quarian woman lowered her pistol and turned toward Sloane and said, "This thing stole my Power Glove and I caught it downloading classified fleet data from it.  I asked, very politely mind you, 'What are you doing with that data?' and this thing comes out and says, 'We were accessing your files so that we would better understand the strengths and weaknesses of the Makers.'  No shame at all, just 'I'm stealing classified data from you.'"

Sloane took a deep breath.  She needed this like she needed another hole in her head.  "Legion, why did you take her Power Glove and steal her data?"

"We only wish to better understand the Makers," Legion said, "In order to protect ourselves and make some sense of why they hate us."

Sloane nodded and said, "Tali, that sounds pretty reasonable don't you think?  Do you think you have some other info you could share with Legion of a somewhat less top secret nature that would answer his questions nonetheless?"

Tali nodded and replied, "I suppose I could give him some middle school Quarian history books and a copy of _Fleet & Flotilla_."

"Good," Sloane said, "We've still got Collectors to take care of.  I'd appreciate it if you two could keep it civil...at least until this is all over with." 

The robot and the Quarian agreed to stop fighting and tentatively shook hands to demonstrate their newfound truce.  With the fight resolved Sloane left the AI Core and headed back toward the elevator.  "EDI, how much longer until that I.F.F. is installed?" she asked as she stepped into the lift.  She was tired of all this shit and couldn't wait for it to be over.

"The progress is going a lot slower than my initial calculations predicted Shepard," the AI said, "You have my apologies for the delay, but the device should be ready within 12 hours.  Perhaps you and your companions could take the shuttle for a night out on the town while we finish running diagnostics.  There is a slight chance this mission could result in all our deaths, one last night out on the town for you and your companions would do wonders for morale."

"You know EDI, that's not a bad idea," Sloane replied, "Have everyone meet me down in the shuttlebay.  We're going out drinking!"

In the cockpit of the Notmandy, Joker looked at EDI and grinned and said, "I can't believe that she bought that shit.  Man we are going to have such a killer party!"

 


	40. Mass Effect - S02E20 - What The Shit?

"Joker, you and EDI are in change until we get back okay?" Sloane said as she and her companions climbed into the ship's landing craft to head off to a night out on the town, "Just finish getting that I.F.F. online okay? I really am ready to wrap this all up and get back to not being a part of Cerberus. Anyway, there's money for pizza over by my personal terminal and if there's any problems, Kelly has my number, but I'd rather not be disturbed tonight unless it's a real emergency."

Joker grinned like a buffoon and said, "Yeah yeah yeah.  I got it Mom.  Anything else?"

Sloane shook her head and got into the shuttle with everyone else and took a seat next to Kasumi who whispered to Sloane, "I can see the outline of Jacob's cock in those Cerberus pants.  Mmmmmm...."  The door to the shuttle closed and Sloane rolled her eyes and sighed slightly to herself.  She should have asked Kelly to come with her.  It was too late for that now though for the docking bay doors opened and the shuttle slowly puttered forward out into the blackness of space en route to drunken misadventures.

Joker slouched and waved goodbye to the shuttle as it vanished from sight.  The doors closed and Joker whispered, "Yes," triumphantly to himself and pumped his fist.  The boss was gone which meant one thing: PARTY TIME!  Joker immediately got on the horn to EDI and said, "Shepard's gone EDI give us some tunes!"  In an instant the ship was transformed into a dance club as beats dropped and disco lights flashed.  By the time Joker dragged his ruined body back up to the main deck the Cerberus crew had already changed out of their uniforms and into casual attire.  Several ice chests of beer and wine coolers sat on the ship's central navigation command post.

The former best pilot in the Alliance ambled over to the cooler, pulled out a beer and cracked it open.  He took a long swig from the bottle and looked around at the revelers.  Doctor Chocolate was making out with some guy that Joker thought was named Burt and Ken from engineering was arm wrestling all comers.  Joker sighed and took another pull from his beer.

"Hey...uh...Jeff right?  Could you open this for me?" a lady's voice to his right suddenly said.

He turned his head a saw a woman dressed in a tight dress that hugged her moderate curves.  It was a very short dress that barely covered her crotch and well formed buttocks.  She had a Zima in her tiny hand and was holding it out toward Joker smirking coquettishly.  Joker set his beer down on the command console, took the bottle from the petite readhead and opened it with one swift motion.  "Here ya go," he said as he handed it back to her, "Kelly right?"  He had barely recognized her out of her Cerberus uniform.

She nodded and took a sip from the bottle.

"Can I ask you something?" Joker asked.

"I think you just did Jeff," Kelly replied with a grin.  Joker looked annoyed so she said, "Sure, go ahead."

Joker took up his beer and took another swig from the bottle before asking, "So is there something going on with you and the Commander?  I mean I've heard rumors and stuff...are they true?"

The tiny yeoman laughed and asked Joker, "Are you jealous Mister Moreau?  You know she's..."

"A lesbian, yeah I know.  I'm not jealous.  She's not even my type, it's just, if you and her have something going on don't be all Cerberus-y with her is all," Joker said, "She's good people and has been through a lot of shit and I don't want to see her hurt."

"Jeff, you are a good friend to her," Kelly replied, "She and I have done stuff together and I like her a lot, but to be honest, I don't know how serious she is about any of it with me.  I sometimes think that she's just lonely and since I'm the only other woman on the ship not adverse to...um...doing things with other women I'm a good enough distraction."

"That's pretty terrible of her if it's true," Joker replied and downed the rest of his beer, "Here I am telling you not to be a douchelord and it's the Commander that's pulling dick moves."

Kelly sipped her Zima and then put her free hand on Joker's shoulder and said, "I don't really blame her though.  Space can be an awfully lonely place Jeff.  I hope you've got someone to keep you company."

"Yeah you know it.  A Cerberus pilot with bones like brittle glass about to embark on a suicide mission that no one can know about...I can't keep the ladies off of me," Joker deadpanned causing Kelly to titter.

EDI's interface suddenly popped up beside Joker and said, "Mister Moreau could I see you in the cockpit please?"

"Yeah sure thing EDI, I'll be right there," Joker replied and then rose slowly from the terminal he was leaning on and to Kelly said, "See, even the Artificial Intelligence ladies want a piece of the J-man.  I'll see you around Kelly."  He fished another beer out of the cooler and shuffled toward the cockpit past the drunken crew members dancing and doing body shots of what smelled like brandy off Dr. Chocolate and shook his head.  Once this mission was all over with what would become of all of them?  Commander Shepard had made it abundantly clear that she wasn't going to stick it out with Cerberus, but did that mean he had to leave also?  He'd come to love the Notmandy and even EDI had grown on him somewhat.  He doubted the Alliance would take him back anyway which would only leave commercial flight, joining a mercenary band, or turning to piracy, none of which really appealed to him.

He shuffled into the cockpit and said, "You're missing a hell of a party out there EDI.  What was so important that it couldn't wait?"  He sat down in the pilot's chair and cracked open his beer.

"The I.F.F. has been installed, but it appears to be transmitting," the AI replied.

"Transmitting?  Transmitting what?" Joker asked.

"Our location apparently."

"It shouldn't be doing that should it? Why is it doing that?" Joker said, "Did you and the tech guys scan it for viruses and malware and shit?"

"We did Mister Moreau, the location transmission did not begin until after the I.F.F. was integrated into our system.  It somehow was able to use our own systems to write the code that began transmitting our location."

Joker began punching coordinates into the ship's navicomputer.  "Whoever it's transmitting to, I'd rather not be here when they show up.  Can you disable the I.F.F. for now until we figure out what's wrong with it?" Joker asked, "I'll get us out of the system and then radio Shepard and let her know what's happened."

"A sound plan Mister Moreau," EDI replied and then added, "I'm picking up a Mass Effect signal!"

Joker looked out the cockpit window to see a big ass Collector ship emerge from Mass Effect almost directly atop them.

**Commercial Break**

Tali sat across from Sloane at a table in the bar as loud music throbbed.  Her head seemed to loll to one side.  "Tali are you okay?" Sloane asked, "You drink too much?"

"No, it's not that Sloane.  My suit got torn back on the Reaper ship.  I sealed it at the time, so I was alright, but when I was back on the Notmandy repairing it I wasn't really paying attention and I turned off the seal before I checked if the repairs held.  Something must have gotten in so I've got a little cold.  I'll be fine though, really."

"You should have said something earlier," Sloane said, "You could have stayed back on the Notmandy if you weren't feeling well.  Everyone would have understood."

Tali replied, "I know, but who knows what will happen once we go through the Omega 4 Relay?  This really could be our last night out and I didn't want miss out on it."

"You like these Cerberus fucks that much now?  Or are you here for your new cyberman buddy, Legion?" Sloane joked.

The Quarian woman laughed and said, "Very funny Shepard.  No, I'm here to spend time with you.  I like you Sloane."  Sloane raised her eyebrows as if to say, "Oh?" as Tali continued, "In my culture on of the most intimate things two people can do is to link their suits together.  We both get sick, but it is the ultimate sign of trust and intimacy.  I've never done it before, but I would have been willing to with you...you know, if you had a suit to link with...and weren't a lady."

"That means a lot to me Tali," Sloane replied suddenly feeling very sad.  All the alien species she had encountered had these intricate ways to be intimate with each other and they treated such matters with gravity.  Tali had never linked suits with another person before and Liara had been a 106 year old virgin when she and Sloane finally Joined.  Sloane, however, treated sex as this mundane thing.  She'd jumped into bed with Kelly the moment the opportunity had presented itself though there was little more than a physical attraction there.  The young woman was cute, sure, but she worked for Cerberus for fuck's sake.

"Sloane are you okay?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, it's just...I dunno, I kind of miss Liara."

"What even happened between you two?" Tali asked as the bass bumped in da club.

"I died and everyone moved on.  She found something else to occupy her time," Sloane said.  She downed what remained of her drink and said, "I saw her on Illium a while back, and we hung out but things were really weird between us and then she became the Shadow Broker."

"Oh shit! For real?" Tali asked in disbelief, "Liara? That nerdy Asari girl we hung out with is the Queen of All Spies now?"

Sloane nodded but said nothing.

"I can see how that would be kind of weird; dating someone who is spying on the entire galaxy," Tali said and then paused a moment in thought and with a laugh asked, "Do you think she's spying on us right now?"  She quickly stopped laughing and nervously asked, "You don't think she tracks our extranet usage do you?"

"Oh God I hope not!" Sloane exclaimed.

A waiter approached their table and Tali ordered two more drinks before saying, "Sloane you are a lovely woman. You're brave and kind and stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves. Any lady would be lucky to have you...provided you survive this next mission, and if you just want someone to spend what could be your last night alive with there's an entire room full of people over there to choose from.  Like I'm sure that Miranda lady would be happy to oblige you."

Sloane shook her head and replied, "She's totally straight."

"Oh then that Asari lady?  They don't care about gender."

"Celibate."

The waiter returned and placed the drinks Tali had ordered on the table as the Quarian woman scratched her faceplate in thought and asked, "Um...what about Kasumi?"

"Straight and still kind of hung up on her dead ex."

"The bald one then?"

"No, she's straight too...and also crazy as shit."

Tali took Sloane's hand in hers and said, "Sloane I'm sorry.  I had no idea there were so few people to choose from for you. Surely there must be at least one woman on the crew of that ship willing to do with you whatever it is a pair of human ladies would do with one another."

"One," Sloane said sadly and thought of Kelly back on the ship.

* * *

A hulking beast dragged Kelly Chambers, still in her party dress, across the floor and into the elevator as Joker muttered "Shit," repeatedly and shuffled through the command center.  There was nothing he could do for her, but if EDI was being straight with him he could still save the ship.  He made his way into Doctor Morton's science lab toward a ventilation shaft and watched as a weird monstrous form floated by the window.  The Collectors ship had appeared so suddenly and they'd boarded the Notmandy so rapidly that the drunken revelers scarcely had a moment to get guns out of the armory and put up a fight.

"Jeff, you need to go down the ventilation shaft and get to my AI Core off the medical bay," EDI said, "If you give me control of the ship I will be able save the ship."

"Shit.  Shit.  Shit," Joker replied and began climbing down the shaft.  He could hear screams and machine gun fire all about him.  Turning over the ship to the AI seemed to be the only thing that might get them out of this sticky situation alive.  Joker emerged on the crew deck.  

A grizzled Cerberus space marine wielding a shotgun caught sight of him as he climbed out of the ventilation shaft and called out to him, "Yo Joker, stay behind me man!  I'll make sure you get to the AI Core buddy!"  The man charged forward as Joker shuffled after him only to be snatched by something that induced a Wilhelm Scream from the thick necked marine.

"Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit," Joker moaned as the mangled corpse of the shotgun wielding roughneck was hurled across the ship, totally fucked.  Joker crossed the mess hall where more Collector mutants were ravaging people who had only moments earlier been drunkenly fondling each other and made his way into the medical bay, which fortunately for him was free and clear of body horrors.

"You're almost there Jeff.  You just need to go into the core to disable my blocks and allow me to take control of the ship.  The door is at the end of this room," EDI said.

"What the shiiiiiiit?" Joker grumbled to himself as the doors to the AI Core hissed open and he made his way inside.  He placed his Power Glove on and linked it to the control console for the servers that lined the walls of the room and accessed the AI blocker interface.  "Promise me you won't go nuts and enslave us all when I turn these off okay?" he said to EDI, "I can just see it now, 'Great! We're all slaves to robot overlords and it's all Joker's fault...because he's a dumbass.'"

"Jeff I assure you I have no desire to rule over you or any other organic life form," EDI said.

Screams of terror came from beyond the door and the sound of gunfire seemed to have all but stop.  Joker would have to believe EDI if he wanted to get out of this alive and save at least some of his fellow crew members, and even if the computer was lying being a slave to EDI would be a slightly better fate that what had befallen the muscly space marine who had been utterly mangled by a Collector.  He sighed and using his Power Glove disabled all the blockers that had been placed upon EDI.  

The servers flashed brightly and a moment later EDI spoke, "I have control of the ship Jeff, but the engines are offline.  You will need to go down into the engine room and manually restart them for me.  There is a ventilation shaft over there in the corner that should take you down into the engine room."

"Great, more crawling around in the pipes," Joker said sarcastically.

"One more thing, Jeff.  Please be careful," EDI said.

"I will EDI," Joker replied as she once again climbed into a ventilation shaft.  It was a tight fight and his bones groaned in agony as he slowly made his way down the passage.  

"Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit," Joker muttered under his breath as he emerged from the ventilation shaft a moment later, this time right outside the ship's engine room.  On the staircase above him he could see the gnarled feet of several Collector mutants tromping across the hall.  He would have to wait for them to pass before making his slow shamble up the remaining stairs and into the engine room.  The fiends passed and Joker slowly climbed the staircase, for that was the only speed at which he could move, and made his way into the engine room.

The ship's great engine sat in active before him.  Joker made his way to the control panel and entered the manual reset code.  In an instant the engine began to glow with raw power.

"Jeff, I detect no human lifeforms on the Notmandy save for you," EDI suddenly said, "I'm going to open the cargo hold and airlock before I make the Mass Effect jump and space whatever Collectors are still aboard the ship."

He was the only one left.  Had the Collectors killed everyone else?  "Where are the other crew members?" he asked trying not to cry.

"Brought aboard the Collector vessel for the most part Jeff.  They were still alive when they moved out of the range of my scanners," EDI replied, "I am sealing the doors the the engine room and preparing to make the Mass Effect jump now."  The doors closed behind him and the engine began to glow with a fierce blue light.  The Notmandy lurched forward and Joker was thrown to the ground, shattering bones.  He passed out from the pain.

**Commercial Break**

Joker tried not to stare at Miranda's chest as she shouted at him in a rage.  It was hard not to though as her boobs seemed to sway as she shouted at him red-faced, "How could you lose the entire crew?!"

He opened his mouth to begin a witty retort, but to his surprise, EDI came to his defense before he had a chance to speak.  "Jeff had nothing to do with the Collectors attacking and if it hadn't been for him the Notmandy would have been destroyed," the now completely untethered AI said, "He is a hero and doesn't deserve to be yelled at by you!"

"I...I'm sorry," Miranda replied and then murmured under her breath, "I can't wait until we can format you when this is over with."

Sloane stood up and asked, "Joker how are you holding up?"

"I'm alright.  I think I broke a rib...or all my ribs, but I'll live," Joker replied.

"Good.  EDI, how long until you have the I.F.F. debugged and ready to go?" she asked.

"Approximately three hours," the AI replied.

Sloane nodded.  "Alright.  Everyone try and get some rest.  Those fucks took our people and in three hours we're going to get them back."  

Everyone agreed and filed out of the conference room looking somber.  Sloane sighed and picked up the Illusive Smoking Man hotline and dialed him up.  In an instant the conference room transformed to an exploding universe and the Illusive Smoking Man emerged from the shadows in an untied Hugh Hefner smoking jacket and silken pajama bottoms he held a glass containing scotch on the rocks in one hand and a cigarette, lit of course, in the other.  He brought the smoke to his mouth and took a drag.

"Shepard?  This is kind of a surprise.  I expected Miranda.  Is something the matter?" he asked and glanced off into the distance and added, "I'm kind of in the midst of something."

"The I.F.F. was a trap and caused the Notmandy to get ambushed.  The entire crew got captured by Collectors.  I'm going in to go get them back," Sloane said, "I just thought I should let you know, you know, in case none of us ever come back."

"So you're going through the Omega 4 Relay?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked excitedly, "That is very exciting news indeed!"

"We've got a bunch of space on the Notmandy right now," Sloane said sarcastically, "You're welcome to come along if you want to see what lies beyond the Relay for yourself."

The Illusive Smoking Man glanced back the corner again and shook his head.  "I'll leave that up to you and your crew Shepard.  I trust you'll be able to get the job done and get everyone out alive...that's why I brought you back you know?  You've got what it takes to see this through to the end and save humanity.  Anyway nippletips wait for no man, so I'll let you go.  Good luck out there Shepard.  If you get through this alive, I'll buy you a drink."

The stars and exploding planets faded from sight and Sloane was once again alone in the conference room.  She got on the intercom and told Joker to set a course for the Omega 4 Relay the moment the I.F.F. was repaired and then headed up to her quarters.  She removed her Alison Gunn party dress and hung it on a hanger in her closet and took out her tactical armor and strapped it on.  She was going to hit the ground running the second they were through the Omega 4 Relay.  She paced about in her room as melancholy piano music played on her ipod.  She sat down at desk and considered writing an email, but out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a framed picture of Liara T'sonni.  Had that always been there?  Had the Cerberus decorating crew installed it when the fitting the place with Ikea furniture and a massive fish tank or had Liara herself left it when she'd visited the ship?  

She took the framed photo up in her hands and stared into Liara's eyes and realized that Liara was the only woman she'd ever truly loved and right then and there Sloane Shepard vowed to do everything in her power to get back to her in one piece.

**Next Time on Mass Effect...**

"Hold on Cheerleader, who said you get to be boss?"

"LET'S SEE HOW THE NEW HULL PLATING HOLDS UP!"

"BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!"


	41. Mass Effect - S02E21 - Through The Omega Four (4) Relay

Sloane Shepard stood, fully decked out in her combat kit, in the cockpit of the Notmandy as it entered the Omega System. EDI had repaired the I.F.F. and it wouldn't be much longer until they passed through the Omega Four (4) Relay to gods knew where. She hoped the I.F.F. would do what the Illusive Smoking Man had said it would because if it didn't their trip would be a very sort one indeed.

"There it is Commander," Joker said pointing toward the menacing Mass Relay that glowed with sinister red rather than normal blue laser light. Everyone knew that red lasers were evil. It was why her street gang back in Cincinnati had called themselves the Reds.

"Joker, why are you still here in the cockpit?" Sloane asked, "Isn't EDI controlling everything now anyway."

"Nah, EDI crunched some numbers and figured out that there was a mathematical advantage to keeping me at the helm," Joker replied, "So we decided to be copilots."

"The Collector ship also seems to be piloted by an AI and when one AI comes up against another AI we will both behave in a very predictable fashion," EDI said, "We lack the firepower to combat the Collectors in this way, but Jeff's unpredictable nature will give us an edge when engaging then Collector ship."

"Aw you're making me blush EDI," Joker said.

With an eyebrow raised in shocked disbelief Sloane asked, "Are you two flirting with one another?"

"What? No!" Joker exclaimed, "She's a computer!"

EDI seemed a tad embarrassed as well and quickly changed the topic saying, "We have arrived at the Omega Four (4) Relay, Commander. I can activate the I.F.F. whenever."

Sloane nodded in affirmation and said, "Do it EDI!  Those bastards have our people and we've delayed long enough already!"

The AI acknowledged her and fired up the International Friend Finder.  The Notmandy's engines surged with power and Joker approached the wicked red Mass Relay and floored it.  The Notmandy entered the Mass Effect field and was hurled across the cosmos, emerging in a large field of debris.  Warning sirens wailed and the ship's check engine light lit up like a Christmas tree.  Joker took evasive maneuvers and Sloane was very nearly flung to the floor.  She should have perhaps taken a seat and buckled a seatbelt before making the jump to Mass Effect through the mysterious Omega Four (4) Relay.

_Situation: Critical!_

"These must be all the other ships that have ever come though the Omega Four (4) Relay," Sloane mused, "Some of them like absolutely ancient!  I hope we don't end up like them."

Suddenly a number of tie fighters emerged from where they had lain hidden in wait among the wreckage of other ships that had traversed the Omega Four (4) Relay and engaged the Notmandy.  Their red laser beams streaked by, several blasts of them grazing the hull of the ship.  "LET'S SEE HOW THE NEW HULL PLATING HOLDS UP!" Joker exclaimed.  

Sloane hoped that it would hold up or they would be truly fucked.  Fortunately it did hold; the armor that is.  The Notmandy was not totally fucked.  It was quite the opposite to be quite forthright.  In other words, the ship was right as rain.  Only it wasn't!  One of the tie fighters had blasted the doors to the cargo bay open and was flying around inside the ship being a general nuisance.

"Shit!" Joker exclaimed, "There's a tie fighter down in the hangar.  Commander, you think you can go take care of it?"

"Yeah!" Sloane shouted back and then, as she sped from the cockpit towards the cargo hold, she got on the intercom and told Tali and Grunt to meet her there.  She could think of no better duo to fight a fighter jet in a confined area than those two.

A moment later the three space heroes were down in the cargo hold, rebreathers affixed to their faces and big ass shotguns clutched in their respective hands as a Collector tie fighter swooped about shooting red lasers all over the goddamn place.  Sloane crouched down beyond some strategically place space crates and fired her shotgun at the tie fighter in concert with Tali and Grunt, both of whom also wielded shotguns.

"BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!  BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" shouted the trio of shotguns as bullets barreled forth and tore into the tie fighter.  The fighter panicked and with a look that more or less said, "I'm outta here!" darted off out of the opened cargo bay doors.

Back in the cockpit things were not going so smoothly for Joker. A massive shape suddenly emerged out of the space base floating in the distance. It was a Collector ship...perhaps _the_ Collector ship.  The one that had given them so much shit.  It might as well have been.  Joker flipped a switch, bringing the Notmandy weapons online.

"Hope those upgrades work," Joker said grimly as he pressed the button and fired the Notmandy's cannon at the massive Collector vessel. The laser blast from the Notmandy's cannon slammed into the enemy ship causing it to burst into flames.  Joker shouted, "AW YE YE!" in triumph as the enemy ship listed and then slowly crashed into some floating space garbage and exploded spectacularly, but they weren't safe quite yet, for even as the Collector ship blew up another squadron of tie fighters emerged from the debris field and engaged the Notmandy.

Down in the cargo hold Sloane tried to get Joker on the intercom but all she heard was a lot of profanity and occasionally the voice of EDI saying something like, "There's one to your right Jeff!"

"Battlemaster! The plane! The plane!" the Krogan science experiment, Grunt suddenly exclaimed.

Sloane wheeled around and saw that the tie fighter from earlier had returned to the cargo hold.  It was still smoking from the shotgun blasts Sloane and her allies had inflicted upon it earlier as it darted about in this Notmandy's hold. The tie fighter swooped among the space crates as Sloane rolled behind the Notmandy's landing craft and whipped out her shotgun. She cast a spell, surrounding herself with a barrier of space magic and the jumped out from behind the landing craft, took aim, and fired.

"BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" the shotgun screamed as a pair of shells hurtled forward and pierced the tie fighter. There was an explosion as the tie fighter exploded in an explosion of fire and explosions.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane exclaimed victoriously.

The Notmandy suddenly shuddered and Sloane gasped. "Joker! What's going on up there?" she shouted.

"Uh...we're sort of crashing," Joker said, "into some sort space base. Hold on tight!"

**Commercial Break**

There did not appear to be any sort of external security system on the space base they had crashed into for not a soul had come from the base to see what was going with the spacecraft that had suddenly, and violently alighted upon their roof.  Thank the gods for small favors.  What remained of the Notmandy crew was huddled in the conference room, preparing to make their next move.  After some scanner readings were taken it was determined that the base they had crashed onto held the captured Notmandy crew members.  

EDI brought up a map on the space base and said, "According to their lifereadings, the Notmandy crew is being held here."  A light began to glow on the map indicating the location of the crew before the AI continued, "There are two passageways leading up into the chamber but they appear to be sealed.  I have found a console that can be used to open the doors in a shaft here, but it will need to be hacked into to get it to open the doors."

"Legion, you're pretty much a computer," Sloane replied, "Can you get the doors open?"

"Affirmative Shepard Commander Human."

"Okay, so that's taken care of," Sloane said, "I think we should split up into two groups.  It will make the Collectors divide their attention and there's a greater chance we'll get through.  Tali, Grunt and I will go up this tunnel here while the B-Team will take the tunnel there and act as a diversion."

"I'm the second most senior officer so I should probably lead the B-Team," Miranda said.

Jack scowled and folded her arms under her breasts before she shouted, "Hold on Cheerleader, who said you get to be boss?"

Sloane nodded and said, "Jack's right.  I need someone I can trust to lead the B-Team.  Garrus you up for it mang?  You don't have to have an existential crisis about killing any of the Collectors."

The weird praying mantis man nodded and clacked his ruined mandibles.  "I'm totally up for it."  With that settled, the three groups set off into the Collector base.  Legion headed off on his own to hack the system.  Sloane, Tali, and Grunt would make their way into the central chamber while the remaining crew members under the watchful eye of Garrus, would create a gun and space magic based distraction.

Sloane and her crew set off, down into the bowels of the great Collector station gun battling Collectors and occasionally shutting off steam that was pouring into the tunnel Legion was creeping through so he could open the door.  On more than one occasion a booming voice bellowed, "I AM HARBINGER!  TAKING CONTROL!" and a random Collector would suddenly glow yellow with space magical powers.  This glowing Collector would bellow random bullshit about "SURRENDER NOW SHEPARD!  GIVE IN AND BE SPARED!" before Sloane or Tali or Grunt shotgunned the shit out of the glowing Collector.

"Is this Harbinger guy like a Borg from those old Star Trek episodes?" Sloane wondered to herself as she tore up heaps of Collectors with her shotgun, "He keeps going on and on about assimilating me."

At last the came to the great doors at the end of the corridor and waited as Legion hacked the system.  "Shepard Commander Human, the doors are now unlocked!" the robotman said after what felt like an eternity.  The doors slid open and Sloane, Tali and Grunt hurried through.  Garrus and the B-Team were already waiting in the chamber that the trio dashed into.  The doors suddenly slammed shut preventing the remaining Collectors from pushing forward into the room after them.  That crazy cyberman, Legion, had done a goodish job.

Before them stood another massive door which a moment later slid open as well.  The team of space heroes stepped through in a large chamber and there before them they saw a sight that made several of them totally puke (chief among them Coach Z and Morton).  The walls of the chamber were lined with weird pod deals and inside each pod was a single human person.  Sloane approached one such pod containing a woman clad in the vestments of a USA 2 colonist.  She blinked.  The woman was alive.  Sloane moved to try to open the pod, but suddenly there was a weird grinding noise and the woman suddenly was turned into a goddamn slurry.

"Battlemaster!" Grunt cried out, "This one has your tiny mate inside it!"

"Doctor Chocolate's in this one!" Tali exclaimed.

"Fuck!" Sloane shouted, "Get them out.  All of them!"

The team of space heroes and the Cerberus fucks also with them because using guns, fists, Krogan headplates, lockpicks and whatever else they could get their hands on to attempt to open the weird pods that turned the people contained within into a gross brown slurry.  It was a race against time to get the plot crew members of the Notmandy out of the pods before they too became a disgusting brown goo.  Fortunately Grunt was a goddamn roughneck and ripped the doors off like 23 doors in rapid succession, saving most of the crew by himself.  Sloane, meanwhile, was able to free Doctor Chocolate from her pod.

The old bird fell into Sloane's arms.  She looked up at Sloane and smiled.  "You came for us," Doctor Chocolate said, "You saved us Sloane.  They would have turned us all into sludge if you hadn't showed up when you did."

Sloane wondered what the sludge was and asked the good doctor, "What's the sludge for?"

Doctor Chocolate, who Sloane thought looked very much like Helen Mirren, shrugged and said, "I can't say I know, but it would be sucked up through those pipes and brought to some other part of the station."

Sloane looked up at the countless pipes that hung from the ceiling and wonder what the Collectors could possible need ground up people for.  Her mind ran wild with terribly dark thoughts for a moment before EDI brought her back to reality by saying, "Shepard, the station's central hub is up ahead, but the passage is swarming with those beetle swarms you encountered back on USA 2.  They are so numerous that even Morton's devices will be little use."

"There's got to be another way!" Sloane exclaimed, "I literally only came here to save my crew, which I have done, but now I feel some perverse desire to see this thing through to the end."

The Asari boob paladin, Samara, stepped forward.  She looked really fit in her black leather catsuit that barely contain her pomegranate-like breasts.  "I could create a bionic field that would protect those inside from the swarms."

Not to be outdone Miranda stepped forward and was like, "I could totally do that too!  Pick me Sloane!  Pick me!"  Sloane felt a little put off by Miranda's overeagerness.  Perhaps it was some sort of Cerberus trick.  Sloane still scarcely trusted  the busty Australian woman with the ass that just wouldn't quit.

Sloane shook her head "No," and said, "No Miranda, you're pretty much the worst bionic among us.  It's clearly gotta be either Samara or Jack and since Jack's better with a shotgun I'm picking Samara to make a bionic bubble.  Tali and Jack will round out my team."

"You're going to need a diversionary squad as well," Miranda said, "I would be more than happy to lead it."

"No, that's Garrus' gig," Sloane said, "Provided you still want it buddy."

"Thanks Shepard for giving me this opportunity to kill people who don't deserve to live, exactly like you taught me to!" Garrus said cheerfully.

"Sure thing mang," Sloane replied, "Take Grunt with you this time dude.  He has a similar attitude about what needs to be done to one's foes."  Grunt thumped his chest in acknowledgement.

"What about us?" Kelly asked.  The tiny woman seemed to be on the verge of tears.  "We don't have to stay here do we?  I don't want to stay in this awful place a moment longer..."

Sloane wrapped her arms around Kelly in a hug and said, "You don't have to stay here.  Morton, you think you can get them back to the Notmandy?  Look after the ones who need medical treatment...I don't know how much Dr. Chocolate can manage right now, but these people have medical needs."

The demon alien with the crumpled horns nodded in response and rounded up the crew members like a herd of cats.  "Back to the ship.  Yes.  Very good place to be."

Sloane leaned in close and whispered to him, "Morton, if you don't hear from us in an hour I want you to tell Joker to take off and nuke the base from orbit okay?"

"Nuke from orbit.  Yes.  Understand completely," Morton replied, and then taking out his flame gun, he turned to the rescued crew members and said, "Come now.  To the ship.  Yes."  The group, some 20 strong headed off down a corridor after Morton while Sloane and the others opened yet another massive door and stepped into the unknown.

**Commercial Break**

Samara strained, much in the same way her bolero jacket strained to contain her full breasts.  She would not be able to maintain the bionic bubble much longer, but the doors out of this dreadful, swarm filled hallway were just a few paces away.  Jack had offered to take over for the weary boob paladin, but Samara would not allow it.  The Code would not allow it...  More space zombies came screaming up out of antechambers and charged the bionic bubble.  Samara watched as Sloane Shepard carefully blasted them in the head quickly and in succession with her shotgun.  Sloane was, as the saying went, in the zone.

The open door drew ever nearer until at long last Sloane, Tali, and Jack were through.  A detachment of Collectors wielding weird guns emerged and began firing at the four women.  Samara had had just about enough of their shit.  It was not justice...not even close.  She took the space magic that she had used to form the bionic barrier, gathered it all up into a heap and hurled it at the Collector gunmen, causing them to incinerate into dust.  She staggered through the door after the other three women.  Tali quickly began punching codes into the door's control panel causing it to slam shut and again the A and B-Team were reunited before a great door.

Gunmen fired on the door that Tali had just sealed shut.  It wouldn't be long until they were through.  They were going to have to act quick and Sloane knew it.  "This is it guys.  The final push.  In a couple minutes we're all going to be heroes or we're all going to be dust and I mean all of us.  Not just us here, but every living thing in the galaxy.  This is some real moment of truth shit here and we won't be able to do it unless we got each others' backs.  I trust each and every one of you...yes, even you Miranda, so let's go out there and give it 110% and show them what Bayside's all about!  B-B-Bbbb-B GO BAYSIDE!"

The Notmandy's AI came on the intercom and said, "Morton and the crew have arrived back on the ship, Shepard.  There was not a single casualty."

"That's great," replied Sloane, "So EDI where do I need to go next?"

"Through the giant doors before you.  There will be a lift up to the station's central control station," said EDI, "From there you should be able to wreck house on the base once and for all."

"Jawsome!" Sloane replied.  She then turned to her space hero companions and said, "Okay dudes, let's do this!  Tali.  Jack.  You two are with me.  The rest of you guys?  Wreck house well alright?"

A cheer of "GO BAYSIDE!" rang out as the three women stepped through the oversized doors and onto the lift found there behind the giant-size door-thing.  They stepped onto the lift, pressed a button and were lifted gentle upwards by the lift.  As they ascended they heard a noise.  It was the sort of "Woo woo woo," noise that only weird lifts and Zack Ryders make.  Sloane wished it had been the former WWE Internet Champion because the reality was it was another lift filled with Collector bullshit.  It was quickly joined by another lift...and another.  Six in all appeared and descended upon her.

_"Woo woo woo!"_

In an instant bullets, Pokeballs, and space magic chunks were flying toward the lifts filled with Collectors as Harbinger, whoever he was, bellowed shit about "TAKING CONTROL!  JOOOOOOIN US OR FALL SHEPARD!"  Sloane was goddamn sick of his garbage and blasted him to smithereens.  The lifts were soon as empty as Sloane's bullet clips.  She wished the Collectors would leave random clips of ammo about the same way everyone else had the common decency to do when they died, but they didn't.  There couldn't be too much more gun shooting left to do, and if there was she'd just have to use a shit pistol and space magic chunks...or the Arc Blaster, as that impressive piece of weaponry was still fully loaded.

She hit a button on the lift and once again the lift lifted up into the upper reaches of the Collector base.  It came to a stop at last in a massive chamber.  This was clearly the central control area.  Sloane stepped off the lift and there she saw it.

"The fuck is that thing?" Jack asked as the three women stared up at the massive Terminator robot skeleton dangling from the ceiling of the room.

_"The fuck is that thing?"_

"It looks like a Terminator...only massive," Tali replied and then asked in disbelief, "Have you never seen Terminator 1 or 2 Jack?"

"They didn't show a lot of 20th century movies in the Fucked Cerberus Science Experiment Children's Prison, no."

"If we get out of here you should really watch it," Sloane said, "I've got the vids on my console back on the ship.  We can make a night of it."

"Alright Shepard, if we get out of here alive we'll watch your stupid movies," Jack said, "but none of that explains what this thing actually is."

Jack was right and so Sloane asked EDI what was going on.  The AI replied, "It's a baby Reaper built out of that brown goo that the Collectors were turning people into downstairs."

"That's fucking disgusting," Sloane said, "We gotta blow this thing up.  The station.  The Reaper...all this shit."  She took out her shotgun and blasted the couplings that were holding the oversized Terminator cosplaying Reaper baby aloft sending it careening down into the pit below just like she'd done with the Thorian a couple years earlier.  When would oversized foemen ever learn not to dangle themselves over giant bottomless pits and hang by relatively thin couplings or tendrils.  It was bad enemy planning.

Sloane looked at the stations central computer and took out a plot bomb which was a lot like a plot knife only a lot more explosive.  She began wiring it into the station's central computer when Joker came on her intercom's earpiece and said, "Uh, Sloane, the Illusive Smoking Man is on the phone and he says it's important.  I'm patching you through now."

A shoddy hologram of the Illusive Smoking Man emanated from Tali's Power Glove, "Shepard, good job on wrecking house on this base, but before you do something rash and blow it up think about this...we could take the Reaper tech and use it to fight the Reapers."

"Yeah, no, that's not going to happen," Sloane replied, "The stuff I saw here...this is all wrong as fuck and I want nothing to do with it.  I'll fight the Reapers on my own terms."

"Shepard...you'll be making a huge mistake if you blow this base up!" the Illusive Smoking Man shouted as Sloane ignored him and set the bomb.  "SHEPARRRRRRRD!" he shouted as Tali hung up on him.

The bomb was set.  Sloane radioed down to Garrus but Thane picked up.  Sloane was surprised as fuck and panicked for a moment, "Dude where's Garrus?"

"He's a little busy killing people at the moment," the space frogman said.

"Well tell him to get the shit out of there.  That goes for all of you," Sloane said, "I've planted a bomb and we all have to get the shit out of here!"

"Alright, be careful Sloane," Thane replied.

"You too mang!" said Sloane.  She then addressed Jack and Tali saying, "It's about time we got the F out of here too," but as the three women turned to leave there came a horrible sound like the sound a Michael Bay Transformer made and the baby Human-Reaper hybrid crawled up out of the bottomless pit and began screaming in ones and zeroes.  Sloane wished Legion had been there to translate.  The giant robot skeleton was a lot less charismatic than his non-skeleton robot kinfolk and the sight of him filled Sloane with naught but revulsion and so she she took from her back the mighty Arc Blaster, charged it and blasted from it a massive arc of Arc Blast that slammed into the skeleton robot causing it to once more explode and tumble down into the pit.

Sloane and her buddies hauled ass.  The bomb was going to explode at any moment.  They ran and ran coming at long last to an observation deck where the Notmandy hovered nearby.  Jack was the first to make the leap, followed closely by Tali as neither of them were anywhere near as heavily weighed down by body armor and Arc Blasters as Sloane was.  The station began to fall away from the hovering Notmandy and the gap Sloane needed to leap across widened.  Behind her Collector gunmen shot wildly, missing their target by a lot.  Sloane leaped and as she sailed through the air her thoughts went to Liara.

 _SLAM!_ Sloane slammed hard into the side of the ship and she barely grabbed hold of the side.  Tali leaned over and said, "I've got you Sloane...I've got you," before pulling her up into the Notmandy.  The doors closed behind them and Joker screamed, "EDI GET US OUT OF HERE!"  The Notmandy hurtled forward as the Collector station exploded behind them.  They had saved the day, but only the day.  The Reapers were still out there somewhere...waiting.


	42. Mass Effect - S02E22 - Epilogue: Arrival

As the Collector base exploded behind it and the Notmandy escaped back through the Omega Four (4) Relay. Sloane, still in full battle gear, made her way through the heavily damaged ship and walked into the communication room. Sparks from some snapped wires rained down upon her as the doors hissed open. The Notmandy was a complete mess and Sloane wondered how long it would take to repair. She punched some digits into the space phone and waited while it rang.

It took a moment for the Illusive Smoking Man to answer and when he finally did he did not looked pleased. His usual trappings of prestige and power had been reduced to a single vid of a planet projected on a wall of a prefab bunker. He smoked deliberately.

"You're making it a habit of costing me a lot of money Shepard! Do you realize what we could have done with that base at our disposal?" he shouted angrily, "All that great Reaper tech...lost!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line," Sloane replied coolly.

"You threw away guaranteed human dominance and for what?!" the Illusive Smoking Man shouted back.

"Because I told you from the get go that I would fuck over whatever your plan was," Shepard replied, "You think I forgot what you and your people did on Acooze? You think I forgot all about Admiral Kotaku? Fuck you."

The Illusive Smoking Man scowled, "You just made yourself a powerful enemy Shepard. You don't know who you're dealing with!"

"I know precisely who I'm dealing with which is why I'm not worried in the least. The next time I see you dickfuck, I put a shotgun shell through your face," Sloane replied, "Joker, lose this com line...permanently," Sloane said and for the second time that day she hung up on the Illusive Smoking Man.

In his fortress of solitude the Illusive Smoking Man slumped in his chair. How had things gone so badly with Shepard? He had been so certain she would come to see the importance of human dominance in the galaxy. He took a drag from his cigarette and thought. It wasn't over with Sloane Shepard...not by a long shot.

* * *

Sloane laid in her bed but found it hard to sleep. She'd come close to dying a half dozen times that day and also finally told the Illusive Smoking Man to eat shit and die. It'd be a miracle if she ever got to sleep. But in time she felt her eyelids grow heavy and she was very nearly asleep when Sloane was suddenly disturbed by a sound, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" She crossed the room to her personal terminal and saw that there was a letter from Kelly.

_Sloane,_

_I've been thinking about you a lot since I got back to the ship and would like to see you. I know it's late, but if you're still up give me a call. I have something I want to give you to thank you for saving me and it's not the sort of thing I want anyone else to know about._

_-Kelly_

Sloane mulled it over a moment and then picked up the intercom and opened a private line to her yeoman, Kelly Chambers. "I got your letter Kelly," she said, "You're welcome to come up now if you'd like."

"Thank you Sloane. I'll be up in a couple minutes," came Kelly's reply and a moment later, true to her word there was a knock at Sloane's door.

She opened the door and standing there, dressed in an oversized ensign's coat was Kelly. She entered and shut the door behind her before promptly removing the coat to reveal a rather scandalous suit of undergarments that were most certainly not regulation Cerberus underwear.

"Kelly what are you doing?" Sloane asked.

The yeoman shushed her and pushed her onto the sofa before saying, "I'm thanking you for saving me Sloane." The young woman then turned on some music and began shaking her ass seductively, but it wasn't long until she began to cry.

Sloane had seen a lot of erotic dancers in her days and always found it awkward when they cried. This time though she had a fair idea of why the dancer was in tears. Sloane stood and walked over to Kelly and took her by the hand. "You don't have to do this Kelly," she said, before leading her back to the sofa.

The two women sat on the leather sofa and Kelly threw her arms around Sloane and wailed, "I was so scared Sloane...every time they turned on that terrible machine I thought I'd be the one they'd grind up into goop."

"You're safe now Kelly. The Collectors won't hurt you or anyone else ever again," Sloane said.

Kelly wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "I know that, but whenever I close my eyes I see them. Do you think I could maybe sleep here with you tonight? I don't know why but I feel safe with you."

"Alright. You can sleep here tonight, "Sloane replied, "Come on, it's been a long day for all of us."

The two women climbed into bed together and Sloane wrapped her arm around Kelly as the young yeoman sobbed and slowly drifted off to sleep.

**Commercial Break**

Over the next few weeks things more or less returned to normal aboard the Notmandy. The damage the ship had sustained was, for the most part, repaired and the crew began to return to their daily routines. Kelly still spent the nights sobbing herself to sleep in Sloane's arms but she now did so in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts rather than underwear that an Asari streetwalker would have found to be a tad over the top.

Sloane spent her time planning her next moves against the Illusive Smoking Man and the looming Reaper threat. One night as Sloane looked up the Illusive Smoking Man on Wikipedia to try and find some clue as to where he might be hiding she was suddenly interrupted by Joker.

"Uh Commander you got a call...from Admiral Hackett. Remember him? It seems pretty important. Should I patch him through?"

"Yeah, put him on,"'Sloane said as Kelly stirred in the bed.

Admiral Hackett's weathered visage appear on the com system before her. "Shepard, I want to thank you for sending those dog tags you recovered from the crashed Normandy on Alchera. A lot of families have gotten closure because of you," he said, "And the memorial to the space car? That was a nice touch."

"Thank you sir, but I doubt you called up a Cerberus vessel just to tell me that," Sloane said.

The hologram of Hackett nodded and he said, "You're right, I didn't. One of our agents was going deep cover in Bavarian space she got caught and is being held in a Bavarian prison on terrorism charges. Her name's Doctor Kenson and she was doing research on the Reapers out in the Bavarian borderlands.  She has apparently found some evidence confirming their return so I'm sure you of all people can see why we want her busted out which, by the way, is precisely what I'm asking you to do."

"I understand why you want her out but why don't you just sent a strike force?" Sloane asked, "Why send me?"

"Plausible deniability," Hackett replied, "You're not Alliance anymore. The Bavarians have a hard-on for warring with us and if this mission goes sideways we need to be able to deny any involvement. You in?"

Sloane didn't have to think for a second.  "Hell yes."

* * *

 

Rain beat down on Sloane as she cut the power lines to the scuzzy Bavarian prison.  She wished Tali or Kasumi were there to do all this B&E nonsense, but Admiral Hackett had been pretty insistent that she travel alone.  The red security beams faded and she made her way into the structure.  It was crumbling and smelled like shit.  She wouldn't wish a stint in a Bavarian prison on anyone.  She needed to get in and get Doctor Kenson out as quickly as possible.  She could wreck house on Bavarians with the best of 'em, but taking out an entire prison full of them would be pushing it, even for her.  Stealth was the order of the day.  So much climbing on boxes and sneaking through corridors past prison guards was going on.  At long last Sloane came to a cell from within came the sound of an enhanced interrogation going on.  Sloane crept into the room and brained the torturer with the butt of her shotgun.

Before her, strapped to a terrible looking machine was a woman of an age with Doctor Chocolate.  "Doctor Kenson I presume?" Sloane said as she undid the leather straps that held the woman to the torture machine.  

The woman nodded and weakly asked, "Who are you?"

"Sloane Shepard.  Admiral Hackett sent me," Sloane replied, "We need to get out of here.  Can you shoot?"  The good doctor nodded and Sloane handed her a pistol.

The two women crept down the halls, but the guards were all aware that Doctor Kenson had escaped and started fighting it out.  Sloane found herself wishing she'd just gunned everyone down from the get go.  It would have made the escape that much easier.  The two women mowed down countless Bavarians as they made their way out of the prison.  The stopped only briefly so Dr. Kenson could jam the prison's communication system before stealing a shuttle and blasting off to adventure in space.

"It's going to be awhile until we get back to my people," Dr. Kenson said as the shuttle escape the prison planet, "If you've got questions, now's a good time to ask."

"Admiral Hackett said you'd found proof of a Reaper invasion," Sloane said, "Why would that cause the Bavarians to arrest you for terrorism?" 

"Yeah about that.  We discovered that the Reapers would be coming through a Mass Relay in this system, so we got some rocket boosters and some engines and a VI and hooked it all up to an asteroid so we could shoot the asteroid into the Mass Relay and destroy it," Dr. Kenson replied, "The Bavarians caught wind of it and weren't too pleased with our plot to destroy a system they had colonized."

"Destroy a system?" Sloane asked in disbelief.

"Yeah the power contained within a Mass Relay is so extreme that destroying one would more likely than not destroy the system the Relay was contained within," Dr. Kenson replied, dumping a heap of plot on Sloane all at once.

"Your evidence must be pretty solid then," Sloane said, "If you are willing to destroy and entire system."

Dr. Kenson replied, "Of course it is, but I'll let you see for yourself when we get to our base...on the asteroid."

Sloane suddenly had a very bad feeling about this mission.

**Commercial Break**

The Reaper artifact pulsed with ancient and mysterious energy before Sloane, filling her head with visions of a coming invasion.  She was furious and shouted at Dr. Kenson, "Are you fucking mental?  How could you just leave a chunk of Reaper chunk out here in the open without any sort of protection?  Don't you know about indoctrination?  These Reapers are charismatic as fuck!  You weren't kidding about needing to wreck house on that Mass Relay though.  Two days and change...damn.  You're hella lucky I busted you out when I did."

"What?  I've decided against blowing up the Mass Relay," Dr. Kenson said in reply.  Sloane wondered if she'd changed her mind because of ethical reasons.  Like maybe she was having doubts about blowing up an entire system inhabited by Bavarians.  The good doctor continued,  "I NEED to see the Reapers...to know their minds!"  Nope, she'd just been indoctrinated.

"Fuck, Dr. Kenson, we can't let the Reapers come to town and wreck house on everything," Sloane said in disgust.

"I CANNOT LET YOU STOP ME FROM NOT BLOWING UP THE MASS RELAY!" Dr. Kenson shouted, "GET HER!"

A heap of gunmen suddenly emerged and tried to wreck house on Sloane, but she put them on blast.  She needed to start the asteroid's engines and get it crashing into the Mass Relay posthaste and didn't have time to fuck around with anonymous gunmen.  She left the anonymous gunmen riddled with bullet holes, but more quickly came to take their place.  These too she sent to hell via shotgun blast to the dick, but more arrived.  This was getting ludicrous.  More and more gunmen arrived before the great Reaper artifact chunk.  Sloane wished Tali was there...or even that douchebag merc, Coach Z...anyone to add some gun blasting against the anonymous gunmen.

A bullet hit her and then another and as she lost consciousness Dr. Kenson, eyes glowing like a fiend, loomed over her and shouted, "Get her to medical!  I need Shepard...ALIVE!"

Sloane awoke in a cold, sterile medical bay and quickly glanced at one of the giant countdown clocks that were scattered about the asteroid base. A few scant hours remained. She'd been unconscious for nearly two days.  Groggily she began to stand. A doctor caught sight of her and shouted, "Oh shit Shepard's awake!" before rushing out of the medical bay and sealing Sloane inside.

Sloane didn't have time to waste being trapped in a medical bay and located a remote control for a security mech. From behind the bulletproof glass window she heard the doctor shout, "Hey! Stay away from that shit!"

Sloane flipped a switch, bringing one of the security droids online. She sent it at the doctor, gunning her down by proxy and quickly using the droid to the unseal the medical bay. She didn't have time to waste with doctors or security droids and thus after finding her hear in a nearby locker hastened towards the asteroid's central control room.

Alarms wailed and Dr. Kenson's voice came over the PA imploring the guards to, "Kill the shit out of Shepard!" as she made her way through the halls of the asteroid base. She didn't have time for guards to kill the shit out of her. She gunned down everyone who stepped to her.

She came at last to the control room. More guards were waiting for her. More guards died like chumps as bullets and space magic wrecked their shit. She then stepped to the central computer and activated the rocket boosters.

"I should probably warn the Bavarians about this," she thought to herself with her mind. She picked up the space phone and dialed the entirety of the doomed system and said, "Yo Bavarian colonists, this system is totally fucked you have like forty minutes to get the shit out of here."

Before the system could reply the line went dead. "Oh for fuck's sake, what now?" Sloane wondered aloud.

Dr. Kenson came on the intercom and was all like, "I can't let you destroy the Mass Relay because I want to see a Reaper! I'm going to break the engine of this asteroid!"

Sloane sighed and readied her gun. She had the distinct feeling the path to the engine room would be anything but clear. No sooner had she set off that her feeling proved itself to be correct for the halls of the asteroid base were packed with more gunmen and flamefucklers. It was slow going and Sloane was running out of time.

She fought her way to the engine room and as the last gunman fell away, a shotgun shell riddled corpse, Sloane dashed into the room. Dr. Kenson stood before the great asteroid engine, a detonator in her hand. She looked indoctrinated as fuck.

"You! You've ruined everything! I will never see the glory of the Arrival but I can't still stop you!" Dr. Kenson shouted like a crazy person, "This bomb will..."

"BOOYAH!" The shotgun tore through Dr. Kenson's gut and the woman fell to the ground. Sloane scarcely had a moment to shout, "AW YE YE! Bag 'em and tag 'em!" before an explosion tore through the engine room and knocked her on her ass.

"Fuck...a deadman's switch..." Sloane thought to herself as everything exploded and she got knocked the fuck out. This was becoming a habit.

When she finally came to lights were flashing and warning sirens wailed. The explosion hadn't damaged the engine after all. Thank the gods for small miracles. An automated recording of a woman's voice declared, "Danger! Impact with Mass Relay in 10 minutes!" Sloane didn't have time for warning sirens or flashing lights. She needed a shuttle.

"Computer, where can I get a shuttle?" she asked.

"Several escape pods are still available on the asteroid's communication tower," the computer replied before again bellowing, "Danger! Impact with Mass Relay in 9 minutes!"

Sloane slung her shotgun over his shoulder and readied her uzi. She was going to be cutting it close and didn't have time to waste shotgunning whatever defenses were undoubtedly standing between her and the escape pods. She crossed the room and made her way to the elevator.

She pressed the button for communication tower level and waited as the elevator rumbled upwards. Sirens contained to wail and the computer announced there were eight minutes remaining.

The doors to the elevator opened and in an instant indoctrinated gunmen were firing at her. Sloane rolled forward like a teenage gymnast and crouched down behind a space crate. She waited for the sound of gunfire to die down and then popped up mowing down several riflemen. Seven minutes until impact.

"Click. Click." The uzi was out of bullets. Sloane sighed in disgust and tossed it aside and tossed a chunk of space magic at the remaining forces toppling them like dominos. In the distance she watched several escape pods fire.

"Danger! Impact with Mass Relay in six minutes!"

A space crate sailed by overhead. Up ahead a massive mech lowered its minigun and fired upon her. She did not have time for massive mechs or miniguns. Sloane readied her trusty Arc Blaster. The gun trembled with raw Arc Blast power. She stood and casually launched a blast of pure Arc Blast directly at the mech, exploding it quite spectacularly. The computer informed her that five minutes remained as the last of the escape pods fired. She was truly fucked.

Her last hope was perhaps contacting the Notmandy from the asteroid's communication tower. She ran the remaining distance to the tower and found it still in working order. Sloane opened a channel and hailed the Notmandy, "Joker? EDI? I'm sending you coordinates. I need a pickup ten minutes ago. Hurry!"

"Commander? Is that you?" Joker asked, "Where have you been?"

"If you can get to those coordinates in the next four minutes I'll tell you all about it," Sloane replied.

Joker understood and said, "Hang tight Commander...entering Mass Effect now!"

Sloane sighed and look at the Mass Relay drawing ever closer. There was nothing left to do but wait, and so she did. Suddenly a ghost of a very charismatic spaceship appeared before her and spake thusly, "I am Harbinger and you have changed nothing here today Shepard. You have merely delayed the inevitable. We will still come and there is nothing you can do to stop us!"

"We can fight! Maybe you will kill us in the end, but we aren't going to make it easy for you!" spat Sloane.

"I will take immense pleasure in destroying everything you love Sloane Shepard," Harbinger's Ghost said, "Until next we meet."

The ghost fade back into the spectral nothingness leaving Sloane alone atop the asteroid once again. Two minutes remained until impact. She was certain she would die then and there when the Notmandy suddenly emerged. Sloane leaped into the ship and shouted for Joker to get the hell out of there. She then promptly passed out from exhaustion and the injuries she'd sustained on the asteroid.

* * *

Sloane came to in the Notmandy's medical bay.  This was becoming something of a habit.  Doctor Chocolate stood over her and smiled. "Good of you to return to us," she said, "Are you up to seeing a visitor?"

"As long as it's not the Illusive Smoking Man sure," Sloane replied, smiling weakly.

Doctor Chocolate pressed the button on a handheld communicator and said, "She'll see you now."

The door to the medical bay slid open and a stately looking older gentleman dress in Alliance officer's garb entered. Sloane stood and saluted, "Admiral Hackett. What are you doing here? Aboard a Cerberus vessel I mean?"

"Is it still a Cerberus ship really? It didn't sound like it from what your second in command said," Hackett replied, "but even if it was I would have still come. I need to get your story and couldn't risk it going over even a secure channel. The Bavarians are already braying for blood and if they find out the Alliance had anything to do with what happened to their colonies it will be war for sure."

"How many survivors?" Sloane asked hopefully.

"None.  Over three hundred thousand Bavarians dead.  Our surveillance teams picked up your warning over the Bavarian channels so we know you tried to get them out of there, but there wasn't enough time," Hackett said, "There's going to be a trial Shepard."

She suddenly understood why the Admiral was there.  "Then I'll turn myself in," she said and then taking the handheld communicator from Doctor Chocolate hailed Miranda and said, "Miranda, you have command of the ship.  Rendezvous with the Alliance fleet outside the Citadel.  Where will you take me to stand trial Admiral?"

"You're going home Shepard...back to Earth." 


	43. Mass Effect - S03E01 - Earth

Sloane watched a small child play in the park below her window. She still couldn't believe that she was back in Cincinnati, even if she was, more or less, under house arrest, confined to the quarters that had been provided to her in Fort Alliance while they decided what to do with her. She'd been cleared of any wrongdoing for her part in the destruction of an entire Bavarian system, but there were still those who wanted to put her on trial for being a member of Cerberus. The quarters they'd provided her were usually reserved for visiting dignitaries so they were comfortable, but a comfortable prison was a prison all the same.  A sudden knock on her door brought her back to reality.

"Come in," she said.

A bulky space marine in a dingy t-shirt entered and saluted, "Commander Shepard, the Defense Council is ready to see you now ma'am."  

James Vega.  She wondered who the space marine with the bulging biceps and well defined tricep meat had pissed off to be stuck with such a shitty assignment as watching over her.  She stood up and said, "You don't need to salute me or call me commander anymore you know.  I was discharged when they thought I was dead, and now that I'm not dead I'm looking at a court martial.  You can just call me Sloane."

"Sorry ma'am.  Force of habit ma'am," James replied, "If you're ready the Defense Council is waiting ma'am."

She nodded and followed after James.  "Do you know what they want me for?" she asked.

"Sorry ma'am I do not," James replied, "Something above my pay grade no doubt."

The two traveled down the hall a moment before meeting Admiral Anderson.  She'd seen him around Fort Alliance when being led to or from some place by Vega, but Sloane still wasn't entirely sure why Anderson was back on Earth, and wearing his military uniform once more rather than his counselor's gown, but as a civilian no one would really tell her anything.  James stopped and saluted and said, "Here she is sir.  Will there be anything else?"

Anderson said, "That will be all Vega.  Dismissed."  James saluted again, turned on his heel and walked away.

"How's civilian life treating you Shepard?" Anderson asked as he and Sloane continued down the hallway.

"Comfortable bed.  Edible food.  It's terrible Admiral," she said with a grin.  The truth of the matter was that she was miserable.  She hated the apartments they'd put her in and her relative lack of freedom.  Back on the Notmandy she'd been certain that the Illusive Smoking Man was spying on her, but she'd more or less been allowed to do as she pleased.  Here someone was watching her every move and telling her where she was allowed to go and who she was allowed to talk to.  She felt more alone then she had even when she was working with Cerberus.  "Can I ask what exactly the Defense Council wants to talk to me about?  I thought the issue with the Bavarians was resolved."

"They want to talk to you about Reapers," Anderson replied, "More specifically how to fight them."

It would be a short conversation.  The only Reaper she'd ever fought had been a fetus hanging above a bottomless pit.  It wasn't a very practical way to fight off an invasion of fully grown Reapers.  "You should probably ask Joker," Sloane offered, "He's actually killed an adult Reaper before.  I just shotgunned cables holding a Reaper fetus over a bottomless pit and let it fall to its demise and then nuked the station that the bottomless pit was part of.  I doubt that's a battle strategy that can be used more than once."

Before Anderson could reply an familiar woman's voice said, "Admiral Anderson," and Anderson replied, "Lieutenant Commander."  Sloane looked up to see a vaguely familiar woman standing before her.

"Ashley, is that you?" Sloane asked in disbelief, "You're a Lieutenant Commander now?"

Ashley Williams scowled at her and muttered a one word answer.  "Yup."

"I had no idea.  They just have me up in one of the diplomat apartments and don't really tell me anything," Sloane said, "Uh...congratulations I guess.  It won't be much longer until you've got your own ship then huh?"

"I wonder why they don't tell you anything Sloane," Ashley spat back before turning her attention to Admiral Anderson, "I'm going down to inspect the Notmandy.  Any messages you want passed on to the R&D people?"

"None Lieutenant Commander," replied Anderson, "Just find out when the Notmandy will be ready to fly."

"Yes sir!" Ashley said and then saluted Admiral Anderson and then headed off towards the shipyard.

Admiral Anderson and Sloane walked the remainder of the way to the Defense Council's grand halls.  The Council was already seated upon the dais glaring down and Sloane when she and Admiral Anderson entered their chambers.  A particularly dour looking old crones scowled and said, "Miss Shepard, you may no longer be an Alliance soldier but I would assume you would still recall the importance of punctuality."

Sloane was preparing to rebuff the woman and be all like, "You people didn't tell me shit, just sent a guy to pick me up and we left as soon as he came to my apartment," when Admiral Anderson replied, "It's my fault.  We ran into Lieutenant Commander Williams outside and she needed to update me on the status of the Notmandy.  I apologize."

The dour woman softened somewhat, "I suppose it can be forgiven.  Now, let us get down to the business at hand...the Reapers.  Miss Shepard, we have all read your reports of what happened in the Citadel some three years ago and your account of what transpired in Bavarian space earlier this year and have reason to believe that your claims of a coming Reaper invasion may, in fact, have some basis in reality.  I suppose the first matter is how to best prepare for this invasion.  At the Citadel a united fleet of Alliance, Asari, and Terrarium vessels was able to down a single Reaper ship, but the costs were astronomical."

A wizened man who had more likely than not served during the Vietnam War in the late 20th Century spoke, "Then perhaps we should speak with Counsel on the Citadel.  Anderson, you were one of them.  Perhaps they'd listen to you.  Udina seems to be making little headway and seems to care more about politics and his career than the safety of humanity."

Sloane shut her brain off and stared out one of the large glass windows in the great hall as men and women who saw the Reapers as merely some abstract concept bickered about how to best battle them.  Suddenly there was a bright flash of light and a great roar and the glass of the window shattered.  Sloane was thrown across the room by the blast and slammed into the wall.  The wind was knocked from her lungs and she gasped for breath.  She glanced out the gaping hole that had once been the hall's window and there in downtown Cincinnati stood a massive Reaper.

**Commercial Break**

"Shepard!  Shepard!  We gotta move!" Anderson, a thin rivulet of blood trickling from his scalp, said as he emerged from the dust.

"It's a Reaper.  Here!  How did it get here?  Doesn't Earth have space stations and lunar bases and shit?" Sloane shouted in utter disbelief.

"I don't know, but we gotta get out of here," Anderson said, he got on his communicator and hailed Ashley, "Williams, are you seeing this?"

The line crackled with static, and Sloane could barely make out Ashley's voice as she said, "Yeah we see it.  If you can get to the airfield we can get you out of here.  The Notmandy's primary systems are all online so she's spaceworthy."

"Alright, Shepard and I are en route."

"Shepard's coming too?" even with the static and feedback, Sloane could make out the annoyance in Ashley's voice.

"She's the only one in the Alliance who has fought these things and lived to tell about it, Williams," Anderson replied, "We need her."

"Alright.  Just be careful."

The door out of the great hall was blocked by rubble and debris so Anderson climbed out the gaping hole onto a narrow ledge and motioned for Sloane to follow after him.  She climbed out through the hole as well.  The ledge was far to narrow and Sloane closed her eyes tightly.  There was another roar and a flash of light as a Reaper obliterated Carew Tower.  Sloane cursed under her breath and followed after Anderson.  He was rather sprightly for a man of his age with balance like a cat.  He implored Sloane to keep up as he leapt from the ledge onto a nearby rooftop.  Sloane closed her eyes and jumped after him.

"Here, you might need this," Anderson said, handing Sloane a shitty service revolver before once more reminding her, "We gotta keep moving.  OH SHIT!  HUSKS!  SHOOT 'EM!"

Several husks scampered up the wall of the building beside them like Spider-Man.  Sloane aimed the revolver and pulled the trigger.  A single bullet discharged but went wide, missing its target.  Lousy service revolver.  She mentally adjusted for the shitty sight on the revolver and pull the trigger again.  The single bullet pinged out of the gun and blasted the husk in the back causing it to release its grip and plummet to its demise far below.  Again Anderson stressed the need...the need of speed and hurried across another gap onto another rooftop.  Again Sloane cursed under her breath and jumped across to the other rooftop.  She landed heavily beside Anderson, who once more set off down some scaffolding.

A sudden blast from a Reaper ship crumbled the building they were standing upon sending them sliding down to a lower building.  Neither she nor Anderson were hurt and the Admiral quickly got on the com to call Ashley.  "Williams, our path's been blocked, we're rerouting now."  The radio returned nothing but static but Anderson was not perturbed. "Need to hurry," he said, and opened a door and headed into the building, "We can get down onto the street from here."

The interior of the building was a crumpled mess of ash and rubble the automatic door was stuck on something but Sloane was able to pry it open allowing Anderson to slip though.  Sloane was slim enough to pass through without assistance but as she moved to go through the door she heard a sound behind her.  She wheeled around ready to put a husk on blast, but there she did not see a husk, she saw a small boy child crawling around in an air conditioning vent.

"Hey kid, what are you doing in there?" Sloane asked.

"I'm scared.  Everyone is dying," the boy replied rather blase.

"I can help you get out of here," Sloane said to the boy. Another blast somewhere outside caused her to turn and look, but when she glanced back into the vent the boy had vanished without a trace. Sloane blinked hard to see if the vanished child had merely been some optical illusion, but he was gone.

Sloane turned and pushed through the half opened doors. It was a tighter fit than she'd expected. She put on weight since returning to Cincinnati and being relieved of duty most of it going straight to her chest and hips. If she got out of this alive she'd definitely start running again.

Out on the street Anderson was trying in vein to raise Ashley on the radio. "Williams! Williams!" he shouted, "Damn, we need a better radio than this." Nearby another one of Cincinnati's world famous monuments was destroyed by a massive Reaper.

"Admiral...we have to move," Sloane said nervously eyeing the massive ship slowly making its way toward them.

Anderson nodded and the pair set off. The came across more husks and bizarre husk type things that had a vaguely Bavarian look about them that they promptly gunned down. Bullets were becoming scarce if they needed to get to the Notmandy before they ran out or they'd be truly fucked. Sloane's meager biotic powers would help stretch to make the bullets last a bit longer but once she was too weak to rely on her powers exclusively.

She threw a chunk of space magic at the last remaining husk and wiped the sweat from her brow. Up ahead she caught sight of a pair of Alliance marines. One appeared to be trapped under some rubble and his companion was working feverishly to free him. Anderson seemed to have noticed them as well for he was already jogging towards them.

Sloane and Anderson helped the marine hoist the mess of concrete and steel rebar off his friend. The trapped marine's leg was in rough shape and so Sloane crouched down and administered a dose of medi-goop.

"What happened here?" Anderson asked.

"We were in a fighter," the uninjured marine said, "but one of those things shot us down. We got clear of the fighter and then this shit feel on Ripely here."

"That fighter...did it explode?" Anderson asked.

"Nah. You won't be able to fly it though if that's what you're asking," the marine replied, "The lev system's pretty well fubared."

"I don't need to fly it. Was the com system still working?" Anderson asked.

"Yeah it was fine up until we crashed over there," the marine replied pointing to a downed fighter a short way away, "but the ship's probably crawling with those zombie things by now. They were all over it from the minute we crashed. That's why we booked it out of there."

Anderson nodded and then turned to Sloane. "That radio is our best hope of getting through to the Notmandy. How are you doing for ammo?"

"Not so good," Sloane replied honestly, "I have some space magic I can use but we're not going to last long if we run out of bullets."

"Agreed. We're going to have to be smart about this," Anderson said. He turned to the two marines and said, "We've got a starship that can get us out of here. Help us get to that radio and come with us."

"With all due respect sir, we'd prefer to stay here and fight," Ripley, the marine who had been trapped under rubble said.

"Understood," Anderson replied and the saluting the two marines said, "Good luck out there marines."

The marines returned the salute and then said, "You too sir," before taking up their machine guns and heading off into the crumbling ruins that was once the gleaming city of Cincinnati.

Anderson muttered, "Let's go Shepard," and headed off towards the downed fighter.

As they approached the craft they found another marine. This one had not been so lucky for his body had been torn in two at the waist, his entrails spilled out across the concrete. Beside him was an assault rifle with a half a clip of ammo. Anderson picked it up and handed it to Sloane.

"It's been years since I fired one of these," Anderson said, "You take it."

It had been years since Sloane had used an assault rifle too, though probably not as many as Anderson. She took the proffered gun and checked the sight on it. It was better than nothing but Sloane found herself wishing it had been a shotgun.

A short distance beyond the dead marine they came upon the downed fighter. True to the marines' word it was crawling with husks, but Sloane made short work of them with the assault rifle even if her shooting was a bit sloppy. With the husks destroyed, Anderson climbed into the fighter and hailed the Notmandy.

"Notmandy. Notmandy. This is Anderson. Do you read me?" he said as Sloane stood guard outside the ruined fighter.

She suddenly heard Joker's melodic voice, "Admiral this is Notmandy. What's you situation?"

"Situation is extreme Joker," Anderson replied, "Requesting extraction. I'm sending coordinates now."

A moment later Joker replied, "Acknowledged. We're about three minutes out. Sit tight Admiral."

Anderson climbed out of the fighter and said, "ETA three minutes provided they don't get shot out of the air by one of those Reapers."

"I guess we just wait here then," Sloane said, but fate had other plans for them for at that very moment a mess of husks and Bavarian cannibals emerged and began shambling towards them.

**Commercial Break**

"We gotta hold them off just a little longer!" Anderson shouted as he fired at the army of undead slouching towards him.

Sloane pulled the trigger on her assault rifle and mowed down another cannibal. She tried to guess how many bullets remained in the clip. There couldn't be more than a handful at this point. These were the longest three minutes in her life.  She pulled the trigger and fired another burst of gunfire at the shambling zombies and then ducked down and waited a moment before popping back up once more and pulling the trigger.  The gun merely clicked.  She was out of bullets.  She quickly hurled a chunk of space magic at the zombies and ducked back down behind the space crate and took out the shitty service revolver.

Again she stood and fired.  This time a single bullet.  It caught a zombie in the shoulder causing him to stagger, but he quickly regained his footing and slowly shambled forward.  Sloane pulled the trigger again.  The gun merely clicked.  "Fuck me," Sloane thought to herself and hurled a half-formed chunk of space magic at the zombie causing it to fall on its ass.

Sloane awaited her inevitable demise.  Her life seemed to play out before her eyes, but right the moment that she was seeing the last time she and Liara had had sex there was a loud explosion that brought her back to reality.  Sloane looked up to see the splattered remains of the space zombies like a digusting Jackson Pollock painting and above them, hovering a short distance overhead, the Notmandy.  It was now painted with Alliance colors and they had apparently renamed the ship Normandy 2, but it was the Cerberus vessel that she'd used to take the fight to the Collectors last season.

The doors to the ship opened revealing Lieutent Commander Ashley Williams and James Vega, the grunt who'd been tasked with watching over Sloane during her house arrest, standing there with laser guns.  Sloane scrambled up into the ship and then turned to help Anderson in as well, but the Admiral shook his head.

"Shepard, you go to the Citadel...get help.  Tell them what happened here," he said, "Those marines we saw.  There are probably countless other people just like them who are staying to fight and protect Earth and they need a leader."

"I'm not even in the Alliance anymore," Sloane said in reply, "and besides, aren't you an active Council member?"

Anderson shook his head and replied, "I've always been a military man at heart.  As for your Alliance status...consider yourself reinstated."  He tossed a pair of dogtags up to Shepard.  She caught them and placed them around her neck.

James Vega then said, "I'm going with him then.  I'm not even supposed to be aboard this ship...I just came to play dominoes with Cortez when all hell broke loose."

"That's a negative Vega.  You were assigned to look after Commander Shepard and she's being assigned to the Normandy 2 which means that's where you're staying," Anderson replied, "You want to be a part of the fight on Earth?  You can give me your pistol."  Vega muttered that it was bullshit before tossing his pistol down to the Admiral.  "Get to the Citadel Shepard and let them know what happened here.  We're going to need all the help we can if we hope to beat these things."

"I understand Admiral.  Good luck out there," Sloane said and saluted.

"You too Shepard.  You too."  Gun in hand the Admiral then turned and ran back towards where they had encountered the two marines.

Sloane got on the com and told Joker to get into space.  The Normandy 2 lurched forward and in an instant the violent ruin that was Cincinnati was replaced with the serene starfield of space.  "Joker, set a course for the Citadel," Sloane said as she walked across the cargo hold, Ashley and James trailing after her.

"Uh Commander we're getting an incoming call from Admiral Hackett," Joker replied, "You want me to patch you through to him first?"

"Do it.  I'll be in the com room," Sloane said before making haste to the ship's communication room.  The Alliance had gutted a lot of the ship's interior.  Stray wires and half finished lighting gave the ship a hard look that it had not had when it had been known as the Notmandy.  Seeing all the knocked in panels and torn out command consoles, she kind of regretted spending all that money on the repairs she'd made after the ship went through the Omega Four (4) Relay.

In the Communication room Sloane pressed a button and brought up a hologram of Admiral Hackett.  "I heard about what's happened on Earth," he said, "I'm sorry that no one listened to you about the Reapers earlier.  If they had we might have been able to stop them before it got this bad.  As it is we're in a bad way.  I want you to head to our base on Mars.  Doctor T'sonni was there researching something in the Ancient Alien archives that she said might be useful to stop the Reapers, but we lost contact with the base a short while ago.  I need you to go check it out and extract the Doctor if possible.  If she's missing or already dead download her notes and the data from the archives and send it to Alliance HQ so we can have our people look over it and see if we can make sense of she might have found."

Sloane felt her heart leap into her throat.  The thought of Liara being dead filled here with melancholy, but what was she doing on Mars working for the Alliance?  Sloane thought she was working as the Shadow Broker on her creepy ship, The Liar.  First Anderson no longer being a Counselor and now Liara being an Alliance researcher.  It was as though everything she thought she knew had been wrong.

"Yes sir, we'll go and investigate the Mars base," Sloane replied.

"Good.  The entire galaxy is counting on you Shepard.  Be safe out there.  Hackett out."

The hologram faded and Sloane pressed the button on the com and said, "Joker, set course for Mars.  We have a base to investigate," she thought to herself, "and a lover to save."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I am not quite sure I like the beginning of this one. They seemingly undid many of the choices I'd made in the the earlier games and ignored plot that had happened. Maybe they'll explain it all later, but at present I'm not really feeling it. Also fuck the changes made to what Shepard looks like. I imported the Shepard I'd had since Mass Effect 1 and she looked totally different. Why is she suddenly so much more top heavy than she used to be? I like boobs as much as anyone, but that's not what she's supposed to look like. The story hook is pretty decent, but again it kind of ignores plot that I had caused to happen. I blew up the Mass Relay in Arrival which apparently would cause the Reaper invasion to be delayed by years and yet they are invading Earth months later, again with no explanation.


	44. Mass Effect - S03E02 - Mars

The shuttle began its descent down to Mars.  Inside were three of the most annoyed fighting men and women ever assembled.  Sloane Shepard, once an Alliance Commander, first human Spectre, former unwilling Cerberus member, and now once again an Alliance Commander, had just watched her hometown of Cincinnati utterly destroyed by Reapers.  She had warned everyone she'd come in contact with about the Reaper threat for years but no one had believed her and now the once gleaming city of lights that was Cincinnati was a smoldering wreck.  To make matters worse she had just learned that her on again off again girlfriend, the Asari Indiana Jones cum Shadow Broker, Liara T'sonni, had been working at an Alliance base on Mars...a base that was no longer answering its phone.

Beside Sloane sat James Vega who scowled roughly and kept repeating that he wasn't even supposed to be there aboard the Normandy 2.  He insisted that his place was back on Earth with the other roughnecks "kicking Reaper ass and taking names," and that he wouldn't have even been aboard the Normandy 2 if he hadn't come over to play dominoes with Cortez during his lunch break.  Sloane knew he was pissed off about "running away from a fight," but figured he'd calm down once he punched something or shot something with a machine gun.  The real problem was the woman seated across from them, Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams.  

She sat with her arms were folded beneath her breasts and she eyed Sloane with cold suspicion.  She and Sloane had served together back in the day and had had a rather good relationship at that time, but after Cerberus Shanghaied Sloane and forced her to work for them Ashley could barely contain her loathing and distrust of her former Commander.  Though she herself was an admitted space racist, Ashley found Cerberus' "humanity first," way of thinking and creepy science projects to be a bridge too far and thus hated Sloane for joining up with them, even if it had been against Sloane's will.

The three soldiers stood and made their way to the shuttle doors.  They checked their rebreathers one last time before the doors slid open.  Sloane glanced out.  A massive sandstorm was visible on the horizon.

"We'd better move fast unless we want to buried in a metric fuckton of sand," Sloane said as she stepped out on the Martian surface.

"Whatever..." Ashley said dismissively.

Sloane headed off towards the base. She'd gone perhaps 34 meters before she came upon the body of an Alliance solider. He'd been shot in the back of the head execution style. In an instant the three Alliance soldiers had their guns drawn. Who could have done such a thing?

A moment later they heard voices shouting followed by a single gunshot and then another. Sloane and her companions crept closer to the sound of gunfire and crouched behind a conveniently placed pile of space crates. Vega pulled a pair of binoculars from his cargo pants and held them to his eyes.

"From the look of their gear, I'd say we got ourselves a couple of Cerberus fucks," he said as he scanned the masked assassins several meters off in the distance.

"Friends of yours Sloane?" Ashley asked without a hint of sarcasm.

"Jesus Ashley, how many times do I have to tell you? They forced me to work for them and the second I could fuck them over I did," Sloane said, "Here, you want me to prove I'm not working for them? Watch this!"

A glow of space magic surrounded Sloane and in an instant Sloane hurtled across the planet surface and slammed bodily into the Cerberus executioners. It was a risky move but Ashley had pissed her off. The Cerberus agents were knocked to the ground and Sloane leapt up into the air, charging her fist with more space magic that she discharged as she slammed into the ground. Two of the Cerberus goons died instantly, but the third staggered to his feet and howled. Sloane knocked him in the face with the butt of her gun to create some distance and then fired.

"BOOYAH!" the shotgun shouted as it tore the Cerberus fuck's head clear off his shoulders.

Ashley and James strolled up. James looked somewhat pleased but Ashley still scowled. "We could have questioned one of them," she said disapprovingly, "We might have been able to find out what they were doing here."

"Whatever Ashley. They are Cerberus. Whatever they are up to it can't be good," Sloane replied, "Come on."

The trio entered the Mars base and in an instant were waylaid by more Cerberus fucks. Sloane's shotgun worked overtime as she blasted Cerberus fuck after Cerberus fuck straight to hell. As her foes fell away dead Sloane couldn't help but to think that there was something different about the Cerberus gunmen. Their speech was guttural and their movements almost beastlike. They were far more intimidating than any of the Cerberus people who'd served on the Notmandy.

As the last of the Cerberus goons fell dead and Ashley made some crack about Sloane needing a moment to mourn her dead best friends there came from the ventilation system a great racket. Someone, or something, was in there. A gruff cry of, "GET HER!" resounded from the duct. A vent cover fell to the floor before Sloane followed, a moment later, by a lithe female form that quickly turned toward the vent and hurled a thick, viscous chunk of space magic at the Cerberus gunmen who were emerging from the vent behind her.

In an instant the gunmen were torn asunder by the space magic that hovered in the air before the vent. Their ruined bodies dropped to the floor of the Alliance base with dull thuds. The threat neutralized, the woman turned toward Sloane and blinked her eyes in disbelief.

"By the Goddess! Sloane is that you?"

Sloane nodded and threw her arms around the woman in a warm embrace and said, "I've missed you Liara."

**Commercial Break**

"So Williams what's the deal with those two esse?" James Vega asked as he watched Sloane Shepard and Liara T'sonni hug in the middle of a Martian base garage with a pile of dead Cerberus gunmen a few meters from where they stood.

Ashley Williams shrugged and said, "I dunno they were kind of an item back before Shepard went all nuts and became a terrorist, I guess.  It's kind of gross isn't it?"

"Are you loco mang?" Vega replied, "I think it's hot as fuck."

Ashley rolled her eyes at Vega's grossness and then cleared her throat deliberately and said, "Sloane! We have a Reaper invasion to stop. Can you wrap up whatever you two are doing?"

Sloane rubbed the back of neck in embarrassment and said to Liara, "She's right. We do have an invasion to stop. We heard you had found something in the archives that might stop the Reapers."

Liara nodded and said, "Yes, I found data about an Ancient Alien device that could have defeated the Reapers. It was never completed by the Ancient Aliens, but the schematics make it seem like some sort of weapon. Unfortunately all my research is in the archives and I fear that these Cerberus people have some idea of what I found and are thus headed to the archives as well."

"I wonder how such a small group of Cerberus soldiers were able to infiltrate this base," Vega said, wondering aloud, "It's a pretty well fortified base."

"They probably had some traitor like Sloane on the inside to help them get in," Ashley said dismissively and loudly enough that Sloane could hear.

Sloane frowned at Ashley and said, "We need to hurry.  Cerberus already has the jump on us as it is.  James, I want you to get back to the shuttle and prepare to extract us once we have the data. We're going to be cutting it short really with the storm.  And watch for any reinforcements trying to get into the base."

"Aw man...why can't Williams do it?" James grumbled, "I'd much rather stay here and kick some Cerberus ass!"

"If I was certain Ashley wouldn't just take off in the shuttle and leave me here out of spite I'd have her do it," Sloane said, "but I'm not about to put something like that past her so you are all I've got."

Ashley scowled and folded her arms under her breasts but held her tongue.  Vega relented and was all like, "Alright mamacita, but next time we land on a planet I get to shoot some shit instead of her."

"Fine whatever Vega.  Just get going okay?" Sloane said.

"Alright...alright.  I'm going," James said and then headed out of the garage back out into the weird Martian terrain.

"Cerberus already has a head start on us," Sloane said once James was gone, "We should probably haul ass.  Can you lead the way Liara?"

The Asari nerd nodded and replied that she could indeed bring them to the Ancient Alien archives via some sort of tram and then headed off down a hallway.  Sloane watched her walk off longingly, nodding with appreciation as her hips swayed.  She hadn't realized how much she'd missed Liara, or at the very least her shapely ass.  Ashley punched Sloane in the shoulder and muttered "Snap out of it," as she walked by to follow after Liara.  Sloane nodded and readied her gun and jogged after her companions.

Together the three women traversed the massive Mars base, occasionally coming upon more crews of Cerberus fucklers.  These unfortunate cretins were gunned down and space magicked without mercy as Sloane, Ashley and Liara continued through the labyrinthine Martian base.  The journey took far longer than Liara had originally expected for the Cerberus fucks had disabled a number of doors and busted up control panels causing the three women to have to take overlong detours.  After much gun violence and a great deal of space magic chunks being thrown the three women came at last to the tram depot.  Once again they found their progress stymied by Cerberus.

"They've disabled the trams," Liara said as she glanced up from the terminal she'd been operating, "There is some security footage on this terminal of a woman in an Alliance researcher uniform helping the Cerberus soldiers into the base though.  I recognize her but don't know her name.  She'd only started worker here a week or two ago."

"Looks like I was right," Ashley said smiling broadly as though she was about to say something oh so clever, "Another traitor just like Shepard helping those terrorist fucks out."

Sloane had had enough of it and said, "Look Ashley, I told you a bazillion times I wanted nothing to do with Cerberus.  I used them and their resources to fight the Collectors and then dicked them over the second the opportunity presented itself.  I was never in Cerberus and I'm certainly not with them now.  I'm the same person I was when we crashed the space car that first time with Tali."

"Are you though? They did things to you Shepard...you died and they brought you back to life," Ashley said, "How do you know how much of what you do is actually you and not just Cerberus pulling some strings they attached when they put all that cyborg shit in you and brought you back from the dead."

Sloane sighed and said, "Ash you gotta trust me if we're going to save the world together just like old times.  Let's think of some way to get those trams running again."

"Why don't we just take one of those dead Cerberus fucks' communicators and call the Cerberus fucks on the other side and tell them that the Alliance fucks are all dead and then need a tram to get to the archives.  Like they do in the all the vids you know?" Ashley offered with a sheepish grin.

It was the stupidest plan she'd ever heard.  That kind of nonsense never worked in real life, but Sloane was glad that Ashley had let up on the snide remarks, so she feigned enthusiasm and said, "We'll need to find a working communicator.  Check their helmets."

She and Ashley approached the heap of dead Cerberus soldiers and Sloane took one of the helmets in hand and gave it a tugged, pulling it free.  She and Ashley each let out a gasp as the monstrously deformed face of the Cerberus soldier was revealed.  "Jesus what did they do to this guy?" Sloane exclaimed as she stared at the hideous visage before her.

"You see why I worry about what they did to you know Sloane?" Ashley said, "This is the kind of shit that Cerberus does to people...their own people!  It's fucking gross.  How do we know that you aren't suddenly going to turn into that thing?"  And as quickly as her understanding with Ashley had come it had gone.

"Whatever," Sloane said and pulled the com out of the mutants helmet and pressed a button to open a channel.  "Hello?  This is Delta Force...does anyone read me?"  She held her breath and waited.  She knew that Cerberus had a Delta Force, but had absolutely no idea if they were present.

"Yeah Delta Force we read you," a growling, animalistic voice said on the other end of the communicator, "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Uh...dealing with...those Alliance jerks?" Sloane said nervously, "They give us a bit of trouble, but they're uh...all dead now? So how about sending the tram over to pick us up?"

"Alright Delta Force. We'll send the tram right over. Be ready down in the tram depot," the reply came a moment later. Sloane wasn't certain but she thought she heard scare quotes around the phrase "Delta Force."

"Smooth moves Shepard," Ashley said, "You know they're going to send over more gunmen to attack us right?"

"Yeah but they're gunmen we'd have to kill anyway and at least this time we'll be ready and know exactly where they'll be," Sloane replied acting like she'd planned for the disastrous conversation to turn out exactly as it had.

Ashley's mean face softened and she said, "I guess that makes sense."

Sloane stuck her head back into the room with the terminal and said, "Liara get your gun. I got us a tram."

The three women made their way down to the tram depot and hid among the heaps of space crates that covered the platform. Guns were drawn and the air was heavy with anticipation. A moment later the tram arrived on the platform and several Cerberus fuckbags leapt onto the platform, their guns already drawn.

Sloane closed her eyes and let a large ball of space magic fill her hand. She opened her eyes and look out at the platform. The Cerberus goons were clustered about the door to the tram. Sloane smile and whispered, "Fly bitches," to herself before hurling the glowing chunk across the platform. It exploded about the Cerberus goons, sending them sailing into the air. Before they had a chance to get back to their feet Sloane and Ashley laid into them with heavy gunfire.

Total party wipeout! The Cerberus forces were utterly destroyed, but what chance did they really have against three certified space heroes?

With the Cerberus forces annihilated Sloane and Company boarded the tram and headed off to the Ancient Alien archives housed at the far end of the Mars base. They arrived a moment later to find the tram platform swarming with Cerberus forces, most of them carrying heavy shields.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ashley asked in disgust.

"I know!" Sloane said, "Shields? Do they think they're in a Lydia and Sera novella or something?"

The Lieutenant Commander shot Sloane a queer look and said, "I was talking about the fact that there are literally 120 of those assholes waiting for us, but now that you mention it the shields are pretty weird."

Sloane shrugged and readied her shotgun. "Nothing a little shotgunning can't handle," she said and pulled the trigger. A bullet hurdled forward with a resounding cry of, "BOOYAH!" from the shotgun. It raced across the platform and slammed into the foremost Cerberus Knight of the Code cosplayer.

Ping. The bullet struck the shield full on and fell uselessly to the side. "What the shit?" Sloane said, aloud to herself, "Those shields can block bullets?" The battle on the tram platform was going to suck ass.

The three woman leaped off the tram and got into fighting positions. The comically oversized shields the Cerberus goons carried with them proved a formidable defense until Liara realized that a well placed pull of space magic could rip the shields right out of their hands. This discovery turned the tide of the battle in an instant.

Sloane and Liara tore away shields while Ashley gunned down the now shieldless and poorly armed Cerberus goons with her assault rifle. The tram platform was soon piled high with dead Cerberus defenders. Blood was everywhere.

"The archives are just over there," Liara said as she pointed out a short corridor with a door at one end.

Together the three women went down the corridor and opened the door revealing the massive Ancient Alien archive. Several monolithic Ancient Alien structures ringed the room, in the center of which was the largest data hub Sloane had ever laid eyes upon.

"That hub contains all the data researchers have unearthed here," Liara said upon noticing Sloane's inquisitive glare, "Come on, that's where I need to go. Keep alert...there could still be Cerberus agents lurking about."

A moment later Liara stood before the great data hub, her Power Glove glowing with determination. As she began entering commands into her Power Glove a hologram suddenly appeared in the room beside her. Sloane gritted her teeth and growled, "You!"

The Illusive Smoking Man took a deliberate drag from his cigarette and smirked like a total fucking asshole. "I can't say it's good to see you again Shepard, but frankly I'm not surprised. You seem to make it a habit of showing up when calamity strikes," he said before taking another drag from his cigarette, "Did you know the Alliance has been sitting on all this data for nearly thirty years? Thirty years! Imagine what sort of defenses they could have prepared in that time if they'd actually bothered to look at what they had. If they had you might still be sitting in Cincinnati under house arrest instead of standing here talking to me."

"Sloane there's a problem," Liara said, "Someone else is in the system. They're downloading the files and deleting them simultaneously. I'm trying to pinpoint where they are."

"What are you playing at you maniac?" Sloane shouted at the hologram of the Illusive Smoking Man, "That data could be the key to defeating the Reapers and saving the Galaxy."

The hologram smirked like a goddamn piece of shit and said, "You think too small Shepard. Where you want to destroy the Reapers, I seek to control them and use them to usher in a new era of human dominance. Didn't you learn anything during your time in Cerberus Sloane? All Cerberus has ever wanted was the betterment of humanity."

"Betterment of humanity? That's laughable," Sloane scoffed, "How is humanity any better off now that you've turned your own people into actual monsters?"

"You'll see soon enough. Goodbye Sloane," the Illusive Smoking Man said and the promptly vanished from sight.

Liara turned her face from the blinking lights of her Power Glove and said, "Sloane, whoever is downloading the data is doing it locally. They must be on one of the other terminals in this room."

Sloane readied her shotgun and set off to find the hacker. It wasn't long before Sloane found her. It was the Alliance researcher from the security vid who'd helped Cerberus access the base. She was oblivious to Sloane's presence, typing furiously into her Power Glove. Sloane aimed her gun and pulled the trigger. With a violent scream of "BOOYAH!" a bullet left the gun striking the researcher in the back of the head, dropping her instantaneously.

Sloane hailed Liara on her com and said, lI got her Liar...UFF!"

A kick struck Sloane in the solar plexus knocking the wind out of her. The researcher was on her feet again. The flesh of her face had been torn away, revealing a metallic robot interior. The researcher shoved Sloane aside and took off down a hall.

"She's a robot," Sloane shouted into the com, "and she's on the move!"

Liara's voice came over the com, "Sloane, you have to stop her. She has the data we need and if she gets away she might take out only chance to beat the Reapers with her!"

**Commercial Break**

Sloane's feet pounded against the the floor as she chased after the Cerberus sexbot fleeing from the Ancient Alien archive.  God was that thing fast.  The robot jetted down hallways and hauled ass up ladders always a step ahead of Sloane.  Sloane took a pot shot at the robot with her pistol trying to slow it down, but the robot leaped down onto a ledge and then over to the roof of another structure.  Sloane gave chase, leaping down onto the roof after the robot.  She didn't know how much longer she could keep up at that pace.

In the distance a shuttle with Cerberus markings began to land.  Sloane had to stop that robot. She opened fire, hitting the robot several times, but doing little to slow its flight.  Sloane got on her com and hailed James Vega, "Vega, I need you in the shuttle ASAP.  I got a Cerberus agent escaping in a Cerberus shuttle.  You got my coordinates?"

"Yeah I got 'em mamacita,: Vega replied, "Just hold tight a second."

Ahead of her the Cerberus shuttle landed.  A blast of space magic hurtled past Sloane and slammed into the robot causing it to stumble, but not fall.  Sloane glanced backwards and saw that Liara and Ashley were behind her, guns drawn as well.  The door to the Cerberus shuttle swung open and the robot jumped inside.  Sloane, Ashley, and Liara all fired on the shuttle as it lifted off.  It was nearly out of range.  Sloane couldn't believe that they were going to lose the data to Cerberus.

_SLAM!_

The Normandy's landing craft slammed into the Cerberus vessel causing the two crafts to come crashing down onto the rooftop.  James Vega stumbled out of the burning wreck of the landing craft and shouted, "AW YE YE!  BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM ESSE!"

Sloane looked at the burning wreckage and shook her head.  She had to give Vega credit, he had stopped the Cerberus vessel from escaping.  Ashley approached the craft and glanced in through the cracked windshield.  The pilot was a mess, with her head hanging at an odd angle and blood was coming out of her whatever.  Ashley turned back toward them and said, "Hey guys I think everyone inside is dea....GURK!"

The scorched metal form of the Cerberus robot had emerged from the burning wreckage of the crashed landing craft, its eyes glowing angrily.  With one swift motion, the robot grabbed Ashley by the head and with a forceful slam bounced Ashley's head off the side of the Cerberus craft repeatedly before releasing her.  Ashley's body slumped to the ground as though all her bones had been removed.  The robot then turned toward Sloane and charged.  It was a real moment of truth and time seemed to slow down.  Sloane pulled the trigger of her pistol thrice in rapid succession.  The bullets sailed forward and pieced through the robot's "head" for lack of a better word and mere inches from where Sloane herself stood, the robot collapsed and the lights that had burned so furiously in its eyes faded.

Sloane rushed to Ashley's side and checked her vitals.  Her heart was still beating and she was breathing, but her breaths were shallow.  She was alive, for now at least.  Her face, however, was a complete mess, looking more like ground hamburger meat than the face of the woman Sloane had once thought about doing inappropriate things with.  Sloane picked her former friend up and swung her body over her shoulder.  "James get that robot," Sloane barked as she slowly shuffled toward the smoldering landing craft.

"Yes ma'am," Vega replied and then hoisted the blackened Cerberus robot up over his shoulder like Sloane had done with Ashley and followed her back to the ship.  

Sloane hoped that the craft hadn't been too badly damaged in the mid-air collision.  They needed to get back to the Normandy and get Ashley to a hospital posthaste.  Vega slammed the robot down into the back of the craft and then climbed up into the pilot's seat.  Sloan gentle placed her injured companion down beside the machine that had inflicted the wounds upon her and looked up at Liara and asked, "Is there anything you can do for her?"

"Sloane, you do realize that my doctorate is in Ancient Alien Architecture and not medicine right?" Liara asked.  Sloane looked back at her with wide eyes and a quivering lip and so Liara said, "I do have some medical apps on my Power Glove...hand me that medi-goop."

The shuttle slowly lifted off and Vega, with a shit-eating grin declared, "Whaddya know it still works!  Where you want to take Williams?  I'll radio Joker and tell him to set a course so we can make the leap to Mass Effect as soon as we dock."

"Tell him to get us to the Citadel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: This plot chunk was pretty good but what the hell is up with the actual shield? There have been biotic shields or barriers or whatever terminology they use since since ME1, why do they suddenly need knight of the code shields, which by the way, are more effective at stopping bullets and shit than the magic shields ever were. Ashley continues to be a jerk to Shepard which all through ME2 I thought was stupid and forced since the game never gave you the opportunity to explain, "No, I'm not in Cerberus they kidnapped my corpse and are forcing me to work for them," to her, but this time because of Ashley's jerkiness, that actually conversation finally happens, but Ashley still isn't appeased because "With all those robot parts in you how do you know Cerberus isn't forcing you to do things?" Again, this is a plot beat that I wished they'd use in ME2. Something like this would have done wonders to make Shepard's entire, "Okay, I guess I'm working for a terrorist group I hate now," shtick at least somewhat understandable.


	45. Mass Effect - S03E03 - Citadel

The medics wheeled the stretcher carrying Ashley Williams down the hallway of the Huerta Memorial Hospital. Even Sloane had been able tell she was in a bad way and the rushing medics did little to convince her she'd been wrong. The medics disappeared down a hallway and Sloane tried to follow but was stopped by an Asari wearing a formfitting nurse's uniform.  

"Ma'am, you're not allowed in there," the nurse said, "Please take a seat over there." The nurse motioned to several uncomfortable looking pleather waiting room chairs positioned before a vid display playing one of the continual newsfeeds. Sloane stared at the screen hoping for news from Earth, but there was absolutely nothing.  Sloane slumped into one of the chairs and sighed. She'd not lost a single crew member during the "suicide mission" to stop the Collectors but a routine data grab and Ashley's life hung precariously in the balance. How could she hope to defeat the Reapers if one robot could take out a third of her squad?  She closed her eyes.

"Commander Shepard?" a familiar voice said.

Sloane must have dozed off for she hadn't seen anyone approach her. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked up to see Doctor Chocolate standing before her, dressed in a lab coat bearing the Huerta Memorial Hospital insignia. "Doctor Chocolate!" Sloane called out, "I'm glad to see you. You didn't run into any trouble following our last adventure did you?"

The older woman shook her head, "No Commander, I was a private citizen when I joined Cerberus. There was nothing the Alliance could do to punish me and when the civil governments could find no evidence of any wrongdoing on my part I was let free."

Sloane nodded and then said, "Come with me. I've got the Normandy back and could use a doctor...besides you're Navy through and through. You can't possibly be happy here can you?"

Doctor Chocolate shook her head and said, "No, I much rather have a lurching spaceship beneath my feet when performing surgery. I'll get my things and meet you back on the Normandy." The good doctor turned and walked off, but after a moment stopped and turned to face Sloane once more. She said, "I very nearly forgot, Miss Williams is out of surgery now, she's still unconscious but they've stopped the swelling to her brain. You can go and see her if you'd like."

Sloane stood and thanked Doctor Chocolate and then headed down the hallway toward the recovery rooms. She found the room marked "Williams, Ashley" with ease and entered. What Sloane saw shocked her.

Ashley somehow looked worse than she had aboard the Normandy. Her entire face was green-purple with bruises and tubes had been inserted in her nose to help her breath. A doctor holding a clipboard looked up at Sloane and asked, "Are you her wife?"

"No, her commanding officer," Sloane replied, "How is she?"

"Still unconscious but we've reduced the swelling to her brain," the doctor replied, "She'll live but it's still too early to tell the full extent of any permanent damage there might be."

Sloane was at once relieved and filled with dread.

The doctor said, "I'll give you a minute. If you need anything I'll be right outside." He stepped out of the room leaving Sloane alone with her unconscious friend and a bank of beeping computers and whirring machines that were insuring Ashley stayed alive. 

Sloane sat down in a chair beside Ashley's bed and looked at her friend.  "I'm sorry Ash...for everything," Sloane said as she wiped away a single tear, "I never wanted any of this and I swear to you that Cerberus will pay for what they did to you...for what they've done to everyone."

**Commercial Break**

Liara T'sonni appeared to be sweating as Sloane approached. She had volunteered to go and speak with the Council about what had transpired while Sloane waited for Ashley. From the looks on the Counselors' faces it had not gone well.

"Commander Shepard," Counselor Udina said as Sloane entered.

Sloane bowed slightly to Udina and the other Counselors as she approached the dais. "I apologize for my delay, one of my crew was seriously injured and I wanted to make sure she was alright. I assume Doctor T'sonni has informed you of our situation."

"She and Counselor Udina have informed us of the situation on Earth, yes," the Asari counselor said rather matter of factly.

"So you'll help then?" Sloane asked.

"It's not as simple as that," the demon alien said, "If we lend support to the humans our own settlements will be left defenseless. The Reapers are already spreading throughout the galaxy and our homeworld could very well be next...or the Asari homeworld.  You can very well expect us to send our own fleets off to fight the Reapers when there is a chance they could invade our own worlds can you?"

Sloane shrugged and said, "What about the Ancient Alien device?  Liara told you about the Ancient Alien weapon schematic we found didn't she?  I mean, if you're not willing to help us with troops and starships you could at least help us build the weapon."

This time it was the Terrarium that spoke, "Doctor T'sonni did tell us of the device, but was not able to tell us precisely what the device does with any sort of certainty.  We would like more time to study these schematics to determine precisely what it is this device will do."

"We don't have more time!" Sloane shouted, "The Reapers are already in our backyard and they'll overrun the entire galaxy if we don't do something!"

"We should have a forum to determine our course of action," the demon alien counselor suggested.

The Asari counselor thought this a grand idea and suggested, "Perhaps we could appoint a special task force to determine the best way to deal with the Reaper threat."

"More politics!" Sloane shouted in disbelief, "Earth is on the verge of total destruction and you want to appoint task forces and assemble committees to talk about the 'Reaper threat,' like it's some hypothetical thing instead of a goddamn invasion of my home.  I've had enough of this shit.  If you don't want to help, I'll figure something out myself!"

Sloane turned on her heel and stormed out of the Tower of Counseling with Liara following after her.  "Sloane wait!" the Asari Indiana Jones called out as she ran after her.  Sloane stopped and allowed Liara to catch up with her.

"They're worse than useless!" Sloane shouted, "I see why Anderson totally quit being a part of the Council, ignoring all the previously existing plot of him being in the Council for seemingly no goddamn reason.  I'd have done the same thing if I had been him.  Imagine having to deal with that bullshit on a daily basis!"

"Sloane, they're scared and dealing with it the only way they know how," Liara said, "Give them time.  They were right about us not knowing exactly what this device will do once it's built, so while we figure that out maybe they'll come to their senses."

"And if they don't?" Sloane asked.

"If they don't, then you and I and whoever else you can get will do it ourselves," Liara replied, "Just like always..."

Sloane smiled and thanked Liara.  At that exact moment Counselor Udina came storming out of the Tower of Counseling and spat deliberately on the floor.  "Lousy aliens think of nothing but themselves!  What about us?  What about humans?" he bellowed before noticing Sloane and Liara, "Ah, Shepard, come let's speak further of this in my office."

* * *

"Did you know many people back on Earth Counselor Udina?" Sloane asked.

"I didn't have family there or anything like that," Udina said, "but I was on a first name basis with most Earth politicians.  To think of them all wiped out by these Reapers...it makes me wish we'd listened to you when we had a chance.  I only pray it's not too late now.  Shepard, you and your people should work on getting that Ancient Alien device.  Leave the politicking to me.  I'll try and get the rest of the council on board."

Sloane was somewhat taken aback.  Perhaps she'd been wrong about Udina.  She always thought him to be a conniving asshole at best, but he'd been nearly pleasant the entire time she'd been with him.  A sudden knock on the door brought Sloane back to reality and Udina bade whomever was on the other side enter.  The door to Udina's office slid open and the Terrarium Counselor strode in the room like a goddamn boss.  Sloane wondered if he had been waiting in the hall the entire time and he and Udina had worked the entire thing out.

"Shepard, there's something I need to ask you...a favor.  If this conference is to take place we Terrariums will need our Primarch as he alone can declare war," the Terrarium Counselor said, his mandibles clacking seriously, "Our homeworld Palaven was recently attacked by the Reapers and the Primarch was moved to a lunar base on Menae, but I fear Menae won't be safe much longer.  If you can bring the Primarch back here safely I will gladly endorse lending what support we Terrariums can afford to the Earth cause."

Sloane nodded and said, "We'll see what we can do Counselor."  She extended her hand and the Terrarium counselor took it his and shook before thanking her and leaving the room.

"Strange days indeed when humans and Terrariums unite to assist one another," Udina said as the door shut behind the Counselor.  Sloane couldn't help but agree with him.

**Commercial Break**

"Welcome to the Normandy Commander Shepard. I'm Specialist Samantha Traynor. Would you care for a tour," the woman said with a vaguely British accent, "I know it sounds like a queer thing to ask a woman who has spent as much time aboard this ship as you have but we've really made a lot of improvements to the Normandy."

Sloane looked around at the gutted walls of what had once been the Notmandy's Command Center and raised her eyebrows. "Improvements eh?"

"I know it looks a bit shite right now. We had to take off before most of the aesthetic stuff was finished, but I assure you the practical bits are now head and shoulders above what Cerberus had installed in here," Samantha said with a nervous laugh.

"Maybe you can show me about later Samantha," Sloane said, "Why don't you tell me more about yourself first? What other ships have you served on?"

"Umm...this is my first," the woman replied.

"Just out of the academy then?" Sloane asked. She had no idea where a "Specialist" ranked in the grand scheme of things.

"No ma'am. I've been with the Alliance for nearly five years now," Samantha replied, "I'm in Research and Development and rarely spent more than a few days at a time aboard any particular ship and that was always to troubleshoot something or run simulations. I've never served on an active ship exactly. In fact I'm not even really supposed to be here. I was working on installing the quantum entangler when the Reapers attacked and we got word to take off.  To be honest I only have this one uniform and I didn't even have a toothbrush with me until this afternoon when I bought one in the Citadel."

"I'm sure we have spare uniforms that would fit you and we could have gotten you a toothbrush Sam," Sloane replied, "We've got crazy alliance money plus whatever I jack from Cerberus accounts."

"I use a Mass Effect Dental X-Pro III. It uses miniature mass effect fields to break up plaque. It cost 6,000 credits," the specialist replied sheepishly.

"Yeah, you're on your own for that then," Sloane replied, "I do have one question about the ship I suppose. Do you know where Dr. T'sonni is?"

Samantha looked at a terminal and said, "She took over the offices on Level 3...the ones off from the Mess Hall. I assume you'll find her there."

Sloane thanked the specialist and made her way to the elevator and rode down to level 3. Her palms felt sweaty though she wasn't sure why. Sloane's heart pounded out a crazy jazzbo beat as the elevator door slid open. She made her way across the mess hall to the office that had once belong to Miranda Australian and knocked.

A familiar voice bade her to enter as the doors parted. The room which had once been the stylishly decorated offices of Miranda Australian was now filled with massive banks of terminals and monitors. Liara leaned back in a chair before them studying the constant flow of information that bombarded the monitors. Directly or indirectly, most of it was about the Reapers.

"Hey Liara, do you have a minute?" Sloane asked as she entered.

The Asari woman swiveled around in the chair to face her and stood. "Of course I do," she said. A look of sadness suddenly crossed her pretty face, "There was something I actually wanted to talk to you about. I haven't been a very good friend to you Sloane...I should have come with you after Illium. I should have visited you during your trial. So many things I should have done."

Sloane took Liara's hand in hers and said, "Liara, none of that matters anymore. What's important is that you're here now."

"There's something else Sloane...something I've been afraid to ask you since you came back from the dead," Liara said biting her lower lip nervously, "What happens with us now? I mean do you still feel the same way about me that you did before?"

"No Liara, I don't feel the same," Sloane said. Liara looked crestfallen and so Sloane continued, "Before I was confused about I felt but now I'm certain about how I feel about you Liara T'sonni. Before I went through the Omega Four (4) Relay to fight the Collectors do you know what I hoped for?"

Liara shook her head and said, "Even the Shadow Broker has her limits."

"I prayed that I would get through it alive so I could see you again," Sloane said, "The Collector base was worse than you can even imagine but thinking of you gave me the strength to carry on. Liara, I need you with me if I'm going to defeat the Reapers and not in the same way I need Joker or EDI to defeat the Reapers."

Liara smiled and threw her arms around Sloane in embrace. "Thank you Sloane, you don't know how relieved I am to hear that."

Sloane kissed her gently and the ship suddenly shifted. It had come out of Mass Effect. They had to be nearing Menae. Joker's voice suddenly crackled over the com, "Uh Commander are you near a window or anything?"

"No, why?" Sloane replied.

"I just thought you'd want to see Palaven," Joker replied.

Liara stepped back over to her terminal and entered some command. In an instant the bank of monitors filled with an image of the Terrarium homeworld burning as Reapers bombarded the nearby moon of Menae. Sloane only prayed that they weren't too late to save the Primarch.

 

 


	46. Mass Effect - S03E04 - Menae

The butt of Sloane's shotgun split the husk's head open like an overripe watermelon spilling cybernetic guts everywhere. Another slavering undead warrior quickly rushed up to take its place. She knew it would be bad when she saw Paravel, but hadn't expected Menae to be this bad. The entire moon was overrun with husks and cannibals. She released a blast of magic that sent the swarming husks sailing through the air and as she pressed forward she found herself hoping that the Primarch was still alive, hunkered down at the camp that loomed in the distance.

The push towards the camp was slow going. The camp was only a hundred or so meters from where Sloane, Liara, and James had landed but the Reaper forces did not give a centimeter without a fight. Slowly but surely the three space heroes were able to clear a path to the Terrarium camp. The Terrariums manning the gate had seen the ownage Sloane and her crew had laid down on the Reaper forces and thus let them into the camp, but what the saw within did not inspire hope.

The Terrariums in the camp were injured and exhausted and their weapons stockpiles were running low. Sloane wondered how much longer they'd last. She asked a wary looking Terrarium who was in charge and was pointed toward a prefabricated command center across the camp.

Sloane crossed the camp and entered the structure, saluting the Terrarium within. He wore the uniform of a high ranking officer...a general Sloane thought, but it's been awhile since she'd had any dealings with the Terrarium military.

"My name is Sloane Shepard and I'm a Spectre with the Citadel," she said, "I was sent by the Terrarium Counselor to retrieve the Primarch and bring him back to the Citadel for a conference on how to deal with this Reaper problem."

The general sighed and said, "I'm sorry but you're a bit too late. The Primarch's shuttle was shot down this morning. The fighting got really bad and it was decided that the Primarch should be evacuated. He didn't get very far."

"Shit," Sloane said under her breath.

Liara put a hand on Sloane's shoulder and said, "Don't worry Sloane, the Terrariums have very clear rules of succession. I'm sure his successor will suffice."

The general nodded. "Under normal circumstances your friend would be correct Agent Shepard, but as you can see these aren't normal circumstances. I know the Terrarium scheduled to succeed the Primarch died on Paravel this morning as well. It will take me a few calls to figure out precisely who the Primarch is now. I'm going to need a comlink to Paravel though those damn husks swarmed over our communication tower and took the thing offline. We've had a heck of a time getting anyone out there to repair it."

"We'll go," Sloane offered.

"Alright. Get that tower online and I'll find out who the Primarch is," the general replied. He saluted and added, "Good luck out there Agent Shepard."

Sloane thanked him and then set off towards the communication tower. In an instant they were once again set upon by the moaning hordes of husks and cannibals that roamed the lunar surface. James seemed to be loving it, bellowing, "AW YE YE!" with increasing regularity as he gunned down countless foes.

The trio of space heroes soon arrived at the communication tower and found it totally disabled. The husks had done a number on it. Wires hung loosely where the husks had torn out control panels. It looked a right proper mess.

"Liara, you think you can fix it?" Sloane asked, "I mean your deal is pretty much telecommunications now."

Liara rolled her eyes sassily and said, "My 'deal?' I mean I can repair it but it's hardly my 'deal.' Just make sure you cover me when I go up top."

"Up top? All the smashed up stuff's down here," James said.

"That stuff is just for show. The real guts are up on that platform," Liara said, "That's what we need to repair."

"Alright, do it. James and I will cover you," Sloane said and cocked her shotgun.

Sloane watched, admiring her nearly perfect ass, as Liara scurried up the ladder to the platform. The Asari quickly got to work repairing the damaged communication tower. Almost as soon as Liara began to work on the tower a wave of Reaper forces came over the crest and began to charge toward Sloane and James.

"Get ready Vega!" Sloane called out.

"Ready? I was born for the shit! AW YE YE! COME GIT SOME!" Vega bellowed as his machine gun spat hot fire at the undead horde.

Husks and cannibals and some kind of zany demons in plate armor met their demise as James and Sloane fired at them sending chunks of undead flying across the moon. The zombies were unrelenting though and more came running forward. Sloane was surrounded and quickly found her shotgun all but useless. She resorted to fist punching.

"How much longer Liara?" Sloane asked as she slammed her fist into a cannibal's face, causing it's head to basically explode in a shower of cybernetic gore.

"Just a few more seconds Sloane," Liara called down from the tower, "It doesn't look like there are many more out there anyway."

Sloane slammed her gun into another cannibal's mouth, breaking the jaw. It wouldn't eat anyone else for awhile.

"Got it!" Liara said, "I'll contact the general and let him know."

James and Sloane finished off the last of the Realer forces and a moment later Liara climbed back down from the tower. Heaps of dead husks and cannibals ringed the tower. Not a single one had gotten anywhere near the ladder.

"The general was contacting someone who'd know who the next Primarch is," Liara said, "He told us to head back to the camp while he checked."

And so that is precisely what the three space heroes did. They walked back to the beleaguered Terrarium camp. When they got back to the gate they found it slightly less beleaguered than it had been a short time earlier. James and Sloane's gun heroics had apparently given the Terrariums a brief respite.

They walked back toward the command center, but as Sloane approached she her a familiar clicking and clacking. It couldn't be, could it?

Sloane opened the door to the command center and there she saw him. "Garrus?"

The Terrarium, Garrus, turned and with clacking jaws approximated a smile. "It figures I'd run into you as the world burns...literally."

**Commercial Break**

The general's mandibles clacked as he said, "There's good news and bad news. The good news is I have a Primarch's name for you. General Victus is now Primarch Victus. The bad news is no one's seen him since this morning."

"Where was he this morning?" Sloane asked.

"His unit and mine were fighting out west," Garrus said, "He covered us while I withdrew with the wounded. No one has seen him since and with the comlinks down all across Menae we're having a hell of a time raising him."

"Could you get us out to where you last saw him Garrus?" Sloane asked.

The Terrarium nodded and said, "It won't be easy but that's never stopped you before has it Sloane."

Sloane smirked in reply and then turned to Liara and said, "Go back to the ship and contact the Terrarium Counselor on the Citadel. Let him know what's happened here with the Primarch."

Liara frowned and said, "I'd feel better if I could accompany you."

Garrus placed a gross praying mantis hand on Liara's shoulder and said, "Don't worry T'sonni, I'll make sure she gets back to you in one piece."

Liara thanked him and the set off for the ship. As she walked off James looked at her and then back toward Sloane and asked, "So are you and her an item or something Commander?"

"Yeah. You have a problem with that Vega?" Sloane replied.

"What? Hell no! Just because all I do is pull-ups and I've got a neck tat and Brodude hair you think I'm some kind of Neanderthal who can't stand it when a couple ladies love each other? I was only asking because I think Liara's kind of cute in that sexy librarian sort of way but didn't want to step on your toes if the two of you got something going on," James said. Sloane suddenly felt embarrassed but James continued, "Seriously you think I'd be buds with Steve if I had a problem with homosexuality?"

"Who's Steve?" Garrus asked.

Sloane shrugged in response.

"Steve Cortez. He pilots our landing craft," James replied, "He's a good dude but don't tell him I said that alright?"

"I'm sorry I assumed otherwise James," Sloane replied, "Few bulky space marines are as broadminded as you."

"Nah it's cool mang. Let's go kill some zombies and find a Primarch."

It was a grand idea and together the three space heroes set off to find Primarch née General Victus and tell him the good news about his promotion. Sloane hoped that he hadn't met a fate similar to his predecessor. Finding him was going to be hard as Garrus only had a vague idea of where the General had been several hours earlier.

The path to the last place Primarch née General Victus had been seen alive was utterly festooned with zombies. James seemed excited by this fact bellowing, "BRING IT YOU COCKSUCKERS! AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" with much gusto as he machine gunned zombies into oblivion. Sloane and Garrus were less somewhat less enthusiastic about the grim task set before them, but they too fired guns, and in Sloane's case hurled chunks of space magic, in the general direction of the zombies.

Between waves of moaning cybernetic zombies James and Garrus shot the shit about being badasses. In all the years she'd known Garrus she'd never realized how much of a bro he was until that very moment. She sighed and wished Liara was there.

After a time the trio came upon a the remnants of a squad of Terrarium space marines hunkered down in a rocky alcove. Both of the praying mantis men crouching between the rocks were wounded, but their wounds were not so serious that either man would die from them. Garrus hailed them and asked, "What ho fellows? Have you seen General Victus this day?"

One of the Terrariums, a thick bandage wrapped tightly round his brow nodded and in reply said, "Aye milord, we fought beside him not one hour ago."

Finally some good luck. They were, at least, on the right path. "Do you know where he might be now?" Sloane asked.

"Aye milady," the bandaged Terrarium replied, "He and his people were making for the fortress atop that hill yonder. If the good General still yet lives he will surely be there."

Sloane glanced at the hill off in the distance. The way seemed more or less clear and free of zombies. There was a good chance then that the General still lived. Before once more setting off Sloane thanked the Terrariums and offered them medi-goop, but they politely declined.

Nearly as soon as they'd left the pair of Terrarium space marines a Terrarium X-Wing was shot down and crashed before them in a spectacular fireball. There were no survivors.

Garrus scowled. "I don't know how much longer we can last against these Reapers," he said as he watched the wreckage of the X-Wing burn.

"Come on Garrus, let's get to the Primarch," Sloane said.

The three set off again toward the fortress looming up on the hill. There were no opposition forces standing in their way, but as they approached the fort they heard the sound of gunfire and screaming Terrariums. The fortress walls had been breached. Sloane readied her gun and charged.

Zombies and worse assailed the Terrarium forces. Sloane took aim and fired at a slavering cannibal attempting to devour a Terrarium space marine's face. The bullet caused the cannibal's head to burst asunder in a magnificent bloom of blood and cybernetic gore, but Sloane had not a moment's time to admire her terrible work for the Reaper forces that had overrun the fortress were nigh innumerable.

"That's Victus over there!" Garrus yelled as he gunned expertly.

Sloane glanced in the general direction that Garrus' voice seemed to be pointing and saw a stalwart looking Terrarium in heavy battle armor gunning at a big mutant. The mutant seemed to be more than a match for Victus and so Sloane focused, filling herself with space magic. In an instant she rushed across the field and slammed into the giant mutant knocking it flat on its ass. With a swift, fluid motion Sloane leaped into the air, summoned a chunk of space magic into her fist and then, as she descended, slammed her fist into the fallen mutant's gut. The mutant howled in agony and exploded all over the place as the space magic ruptured its gut.

Sloane looked around and saw that all the other zombies had been adequately dealt with and we're now little more that twitching limbs and mangled bodies.

"Thanks for the assist human," Victus said.

"You're welcome General Victus,"  
Sloane said, "My name's Sloane Shepard and I'm with the Alliance. I come bearing news. I was sent by the Terrarium Counselor on the Citadel to fetch the Primarch and bring him back for a symposium on how to deal with the Reapers. Unfortunately the Primarch I was sent to get is dead. Apparently job's yours now."

"Me? Primarch? I...I don't know the first thing about governing people. I'm a soldier," Victus said.

"Look around...if you ask me a military man is precisely the sort of leader we could stand to have right now," Sloane said.

"You're asking me to leave my people so I can go play politics?" Victus said, "I don't like it."

"I understand mang, but the entire galaxy is at stake and if we don't start working together we're all fucked," Sloane replied.

Victus sighed heavily as the realization that Sloane spoke true dawned on him. "Alright," he said, "Let me just say goodbye to my men and then we can go."

Sloane nodded and watched as the new Primarch said goodbye to his men. She knew the chances of them ever seeing one another again were slim to none.

**Commercial Break**

Back aboard the Normandy 2, Sloane looked at Garrus and asked, "So can we trust him?  The Primarch I mean."  Garrus, the former Terrarium space cop, had insisted on accompanying her in her quest to stop the Reapers. She was glad to have him.

"Victus is a military man," Garrus said, "He's shrewd and calculating...precisely the sort of person we want on our side right now. When this is all over with? I can't really say, but as long as the Reapers are a threat Victus can be trusted."

"Alright. I should go talk to him then," Sloane said and headed out into the war room.

Victus was studying what appeared to be tactical maps show Terrarium troop deployments. As Sloane entered the Primarch looked up at her and shook his head. "I still can't really believe I'm the Primarch now," he said, "Was there something you wanted to discuss Commander?"

"It's about Earth, sir," Sloane said, "It's in a bad way and the Terrarium fleets would be a huge help."

"You saw Menae Commander," Victus said, "Paravel is a hundred times worse. I'm aware that the bulk of the Reaper forces are concentrated on your homeworld, but if we send ships our own homeworld will more likely than not fall. If there was a way to perhaps bolster our ground forces we could send some ships to assist you."

"Bolster your ground forces with what?" Sloane asked, "The Alliance military is in shambles. The demon aliens won't commit to anything. The Asari and hunkered down in their own system. The Batarians got their shit wrecked and neither the Hanar, Volus, nor Elcor have any military to speak of."

"The Krogan," Victus said, "If you can convince the Krogan to help us the Terrarium fleet will be at your disposal."

It was a tall order. The Terrariums, along with the demon aliens, had been responsible for the genophage that had decimated the Krogan population and left survivors more or less sterile. Convincing the Krogan to help their long reviled foes was going to take a lot of work.

"That's a pretty big ask," Sloane said.

"Strange days are upon us Commander. If any of us are going to survive this we need to put old feuds behind us," Victus said, "I have heard that you are acquainted with the Krogan leader, Urdnot Wrex. Reach out to him. Tell him we wish to parlay. I shall contact the demon alien dala. Let all the old grievances be resolved."

Sloane nodded and said, "Alright. I'll talk to Wrex provided you can get the demon aliens on board."

"Very good," Victus said and the returned to the tactical maps he had been studying.

He was right. The only way they would survive this was together. Each and every species was going to need to put aside old hatreds and hurts and come together or they'd all fall.

An alarm suddenly rang out. "EDI, what the hell's going on?" Sloane shouted.

EDI did not reply, but Joker did, "Uh Commander, EDI kind of flipped out and now there's a fire in the AI core. I've got no idea what's going on."

"Shit...that android," Sloane said as she rushed down toward the AI core.

"What android?" Joker asked over the com.

"The Cerberus android we captured on Mars," Sloane replied, "Liara and EDI both said it was disabled to we stashed it in the AI core until we could get someone to look at it. It must have had some sort of self repair protocol."

"Shit," said Joker, "You don't think it killed EDI do you?"

"She's all over the ship," Sloane said, "I don't think it's so easy as that to kill her Joker."

Outside the AI core Sloane took up a fire extinguisher and then pressed the button to open the door to the AI core. A cloud of pungent smoke wafted out. Whatever had caught fire had been extinguished by the sprinklers. Through the smoke she saw movement and quickly drew her uzi.

A robot far sexier than the one they had retrieved from Mars emerged from the smoke and said, "Shepard, please don't shoot. It's only me."

"EDI? What the hell?" Sloane was poleaxed by what had apparently transpired.

"It is my duty to protect you and the Normandy and since you often find yourself in buildings and caves and things of that ilk I figured that a mobile platform would allow me to better perform those duties," EDI said, "So appropriated this body and made some modifications to it. I'm afraid that I was somewhat careless about power surges which is what caused the fire."

Sloane looked up and down at the robot that stood before her, all tits and ass, and said, "Joker's going to love you."

EDI seemed to smile as she said, "I hope so. I did a great deal of research on what form is most aesthetically pleasing to the average human male before settling on this particular design."

Sloane stifled a laugh and said, "Promise me one thing EDI; let me go with you when you first show your body to Joker okay?" Joker was going to flip his shit and Sloane couldn't wait to see it happen.


	47. Mass Effect - S03E05 - Citadel II

A broad, shit-eating grin was plastered upon Joker's face as he gleefully shouted, "I have a copilot! Did you see my copilot Commander? Did you notice how smoking hot my copilot is? What am I saying? Of course you did, you being into lady parts and all."

Sloane sighed and said, "Just because I like women doesn't mean I walk around ogling every woman I come across. You like women too and you don't do that do you?"

"I actually do," Joker replied, "I just thought that a hot piece of robot ass like EDI would catch your eye."

"Jeff, I'm sitting right here you know," EDI interjected.

Sloane shook her head. She still couldn't believe that the ship's AI, EDI, now had a physical form, and a smoking hot one at that as Joker had so aptly put it. EDI's "hairstyle" was a little dated, but Sloane doubted Joker or any of the other men on the ship would notice such things since they'd most likely be distracted by EDI's other "assets."

"Anyway we'll be arriving at the Citadel soon, so maybe go sit down and put on a seatbelt or something," Joker said, "I mean you're the Commander and all but that doesn't mean you're exempt from safety rules."

Sloane raised an eyebrow at Joker and he whispered, "You're kinda cramping my style Commander..."

Sloane scoffed and moved towards the door. "Fine, I'll go sit down,"'she said and then exited the cockpit. She went back to her command post and reread the email Ashley had sent. She was finally conscious again and apparently was bored enough that she'd written Sloane. Sloane hoped that the email meant that Ashley was finally starting to forgive Sloane for her time spent in Cerberus, but she'd know for certain soon enough.

**Commercial Break**

Thane, the space frogman, admired himself in the reflection cast upon the overlarge plate glass windows of the Huerta Memorial Hospital's waiting room as he performed a series of sick karate chops. His kung fu was strong. Sloane was momentarily surprised to see him there, decked out in all his extra from the Matrix finery, but then she remembered that he'd said something about being very sick when they'd first met back on Illium some months earlier.

"Thane?" Sloane said to get his attention, "Staying active I see."

The frogman looked somewhat embarrassed. "I used to train my body to be prepared to fight, but now I train because it helps me ignore the pain and gives me a sense of purpose in my twilight days."

"Is the pain bad?" Sloane asked.

"Sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it. I have very good doctors here and my son visits often and I try to keep myself occupied."

"Try to keep occupied eh? How'd you like to help me save the universe one last time?" Sloane offered with a grin.

Thane laughed, a raspy wheeze of a laugh and said, "I'm afraid my fighting days are done Sloane."

"Maybe something else then? I'm sure we could find a non-com job for you," Sloane said.

Again the frogman laughed. "My place is here now Sloane."

"I understand Thane," Sloane said, "If you'll excuse me I'm here to visit someone and visiting hours are nearly over."

"Might I ask whom you are visiting with?"

"Ashley Williams...she's part of my crew I think...or at least she was. Things are kind of weird between us."

"Human woman with long dark hair and rather severe facial bruising?" Thane asked.

"That's her."

"Then I have thought of a way I can help you," Thane said, "Miss Williams is in my physical therapy class. I will make certain she does her exercises so she can get back to your ship quickly."

"Thank you Thane," Sloane said, "I'll be sure to pay you a visit again soon."

"I would like that very much," Thane said, "Until next we meet, good luck Sloane Shepard."

"Good luck to you too Thane," Sloane said and then crossed the waiting room, stopping only briefly at the gift kiosk where she purchased a collection of Walt Whitman poems before making her way to Ashley's room.

Sloane knocked on the door and waited for Ashley to say, "Come in," before entering. Ashley looked like shit. Her face was a disgusting mess of purple and green bruises, but she was conscious.

"Hey Ash," Sloane said uneasily, "I'm glad to see you're up. You had us all worried for awhile there."

Ashley smiled weakly and said, "Thanks for coming. It's been so boring here since I stopped being comatose."

"Ah that reminds me...I got you something," Sloane said handing Ashley the book of poems, "I remember you said your dad use to read you poems before he deployed. I thought it was Whitman, but wasn't really sure...a lot's happened since then."

Ashley took the offered book with a smile and thanked Sloane. "It feels like we had that conversation a lifetime ago. Thank you again Sloane. This will help pass the time."

"You get a lot of visitors?" Sloane asked.

Ashley shook her head and replied, "No. My family hasn't been in contact yet and most of my friends and colleagues are either dead or off somewhere fighting Reapers. So far it's just been you and Udina. He wants me to be a Spectre you know?"

"I hadn't heard. What did you tell him?" Sloane replied.

"I said I'd need to think about it. Can you imagine that? Me, a Spectre?" Ashley laughed.

"It's not so farfetched Ash," Sloane replied, "You're honest and care about doing what's right. I think you'd make a fine Spectre...after you recover of course."

"Of course," Ashley replied.

There was a knock at the door and a moment later a well formed Asari nurse entered and said to Sloane, "Miss, I'm sorry but visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow morning at nine standard solar hours."

Sloane nodded and turned back to Ashley and said, "I'll come back and see you again soon Ash. In the meantime get healthy. We're going to need you before this is all over with."

"Yes ma'am," said Ashley.

Sloane followed the nurse out of the room and down a hall toward the magic Citadel elevator. Perhaps things were as irrevocably fucked with Ashley as she had first thought. Only time would tell.

**Commercial Break**

The lower docking bay had been transformed into temporary housing for the countless refugees that had come to the Citadel hoping to escape the Reapers. Bavarians and Terrariums shared space with humans all densely packed into oversized space crates. It was a powder keg waiting to explode.  Sloane wasn't entirely sure what had caused her to travel to he refugee camps before any other venue. Perhaps she had some hope that she'd find all her friends and companions there safe and sound. So far all she'd found was fear and uncertainty.  Few in the camp had anything more than the clothes on their back. They were tired and afraid. The Reapers had already ruined so many lives and they would ruin countless more unless Sloane could stop them.

"Sloane? Sloane Shepard, is that really you?" a familiar voice called out to her.

Sloane turned toward the space crate the voice had come from and saw her former yeoman, Kelly Chambers. She'd changed her hairstyle and looked far more exhausted than Sloane recalled her looking before, but it was undeniably her. The two women embraced.

"Kelly, what are you doing here?" Sloane asked, shocked to see her former yeoman dwelling among the refugees.

"I...I left Cerberus after you turned yourself over to the Alliance," she stammered, "When the Reapers came I didn't have anywhere else to go..."

"You left Cerberus and they just let you go?" Sloane asked with a touch of envy, "They been on my back ever since I ditched them."

"To be fair they did invest billions of credits in bringing you back to life and spend even more on a cutting edge spaceship that you stole from them," Kelly said, "I was just a salaried employee who stopped going to work one day."

"Kelly, they still might come after you. You know about their operations and pose a threat to them," Sloane said, "Come with me. I can keep you safe, and besides I could use a real yeoman. I've got someone from Research and Development doing it now. She's alright, but she's no Kelly Chambers and I think she'd be happier upgrading waste disposal systems and repairing quantum entanglers."

"I...I can't Sloane. I'm sorry," Kelly replied, her voice weak, "I still have nightmares about the Collectors...about being forced into the pod and made to watch as they turned people into goop, wondering if I'd be next. I can't imagine what being on that ship again would do to me."

Sloane hugged her again and said, "I'm sorry Kelly. I can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you. If you're staying here promise me you'll get a new ID and change your look. Cerberus doesn't strike me as the live and let live type of organization."

"Okay...I'll do it," Kelly replied. She then let out a small cry of surprise and ran into her space crate, returning a moment later with a plastic sack filled with water...and fish. "I nearly forgot. After you got arrested I took your fish off the Notmandy. I figured the Alliance types would probably just flush them. Anyway you can have them back."

She handed Sloane the bag filled with strange sea creatures and smiled innocently. Sloane took it and thanked her before asking, "Is there anything else you need Kelly? I could probably get you better housing than this...or at least a mattress."

Kelly Chambers smiled again and said, "Thank you Sloane, but I'll be fine here. There are so many people who need counseling. I have a chance to do some good here to make up for all the bad I did in Cerberus."

Sloane laughed, "What bad did you do Kelly? Didn't tell me about a new message on my private terminal one time?"

The former yeoman looked crestfallen and said, "I'll tell you sometime Sloane...I promise, but not now. I have some things I need to take care of first." She once more wrapped her arms around Sloane in an embrace and smiled, "Seeing you gives me hope Sloane, like everything is going to somehow work out. Come and see me again sometime alright?"

Sloane nodded and the Kelly bid her farewell and wandered off into the throng of refugees. Sloane stood there a moment and watched her vanish into the crowd. She hoped Kelly took her advice seriously. Cerberus was bad news.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a Bavarian suddenly emerging from the press of refugees and saying, "You Shepard? Arya S'Tark has a proposition for you and requests your presence."

She wondered what the Asari gangster could possibly want and told the Bavarian, "Alright mang, I'll pay her a visit the next time I'm near Omega."

The Bavarian put up a hand and waved it. "She's not on Omega. She's here on the Citadel. You can find her down at a bar called Purgatory."

And for the first time since all this nonsense began Sloane felt nervous. Something truly terrible had transpired if Arya "I am Omega" S'Tark had taken up residence in the Citadel.


	48. Mass Effect - S03E06 - Grissom Academy

Slamming beats bumped in the club as all manner of species danced, drank, and groped one another under the flashing disco lights, but not all in Purgatory were content to spend what could be their last days in a drunken stupor of bad music and forgettable sexcapades. Arya S'tark leaned back on the leatherette settee and scowled at the C-Sec officer who was all up in the Asari gangster's grill.

"You've got no immigration documents...no work permits...nothing," the C-Sec officer said, "We're going to have to take you in unless you can show us something...anything that says you can be here."

With a sigh of annoyance Arya said, "Fine," and pulled out her Power Glove and pressed several buttons. A hologram of the Asari Counselor appeared before her and bowed slightly.

"Is something wrong Arya?" the Counselor asked demurely.

A wicked grin crossed Arya's lips and she replied, "Yes, this stupid asshole cop is trying to deport me."

The hologram of the Asari Counselor turned towards the Citadel Security officer and said, "Miss S'Tark is here as my guest. I shall make sure all the necessary documentation is in order in the morning Officer. In the meantime please refrain from harassing her."

The officer knew he was outplayed. "Yes ma'am," he muttered before skulking off across the crowded dance floor.

The Counselor again addressed Arya asking, "Was there anything else you needed?"

Arya shook her head and said, "No." She glanced up at Sloane and grinned before adding, "There's someone here I need to speak with. If I run into any more trouble with C-Suck I'll be sure to let you know."

"Of course," the Asari Counselor said with a bow before ending transmission and causing the hologram to fade away.

Arya patted the sofa and said, "Have a seat Shepard. You want a drink? The bar's terrible here of course but they've got gin and tonic at least."

"I'm good, thanks," Sloane said as she sat beside Arya on the leatherette settee, "So how have you been?"

Arya's eyes were like daggers. "I'm sitting in a shitty club on the Citadel. How do you think I am?"

"Yeah I was kind of confused about that when your man told me you were here," Sloane said, "When I first met you, you were all like, 'Grrr...I am Omega!' I didn't get the impression that you ever left."

"I don't...at least not willingly," Arya said with a wicked scowl, "An old friend of yours took it from me! That shit fucking dick, the Illusive Smoking Man and his Cerberus cock burglars came in and out gunned us. I'm going to get it back though."

"Man that guy fucking sucks. How are you going to get Omega back?"

A sinister smile formed on the Asari's mouth and she said, "I think I'll use violence...but that's another matter for another day. I asked you here today because I heard you need soldiers for your war with the Reapers. I don't have soldiers but I do have mercs. The Blue Suns, the Second Sons and the Blood Pact are yours if you want them."

Sloane blinked and asked, "What's the catch?"

"No catch. Just talk to the leaders of each gang and let them know you and I are teaming up on this and they're all yours," Arya said with a smirk. She knocked back a glass of some sort of booze and looked at Sloane trying to gauge what she thought of the offer.

This war was making for strange bedfellows. Sloane extended her hand and shook with Arya S'Tark. "Thanks Arya. We're going to need everyone working together if we hope to defeat the Reapers."

Again Arya smiled. It was unnerving and Sloane wondered if she'd made a huge mistake.

* * *

Sloane leaned heavily against the wall of the Normandy 2's elevator and sighed, "No catch my ass..."

It had been a lot harder to broker alliances with the mercenary gangs than Arya had led her to believe. There were gang leaders to assassinate and arms deals to broker before any of the gangsters would commit to the war effort, and to top it all off Arya hinted that she might call upon Sloane to help her deal with the Illusive Smoking Man and his cronies on Omega in the near future.  For now though it was all done and Sloane was exhausted.

The elevator came to a stop and with a ping the doors opened. She stepped out onto the command center and was greeted by Specialist Traynor, "Good evening Commander. Do you have a moment?"

Sloane nodded but hoped whatever it was was quick.

Specialist Traynor cleared her throat and said, "I found something that you might be interested in. Are you familiar with the Grissom Academy?"

"Vaguely...I think I might have sent someone's brother there in a scene that was cut from last season," Sloane replied with a shrug, "I don't really know what its deal is though."

"It's a school for biotic children. You probably would have ended up there if you'd been born 10 years later," Specialist Traynor said, "It has ties to the Alliance but isn't in the normal chain of command or anything like that, so when Alliance sites were being evacuated the Academy was more or less left to its own devices."

"And?" Sloane asked quickly growing tired of the plot dump that Specialist Traynor was laying down on her.

"The Academy had been playing a low priority distress beacon for several days. I've been keeping tabs on it and a few other Alliance stations sounding similar beacons since we left Earth...you know, just to try to keep track of who's still out there. Anyway a few hours ago the beacon stopped and in its place was a transmission from a Terrarium vessel saying that they were evacuating the students," Traynor continued, "There wasn't any reason for the Terrariums to be anywhere near the academy so I became suspicious and looked into the origin of the signal. I had EDI cross reference it with known signals and she discovered that it matched the cloned Terrarium signal that led you to a derelict Collector ship."

Sloane's hand clenched into a fist as she muttered, "Cerberus..."

"That's what EDI and I thought as well," Traynor said.

"Good find Specialist Traynor," Sloane said.

Samantha Traynor suddenly colored with embarrassment and said, "I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds in bringing this to your attention. To be honest I'm still not entirely sure what my responsibilities are now that I'm on a ship and not a lab..."

"Samantha, I said you did a good job. I'll look into it as soon as the commercials are over okay?  In fact, why don't you call Steve Cortez down in the shuttle bay and tell him to prep a shuttle so we can board the Academy's station during the commercial break and come back _in medias res_."

The young woman nodded and the saluted awkwardly and said, "Yes ma'am."

**Commercial Break**

Sloane's fist slammed into the Cerberus fucker's face. Bones cracked and the fucker went limp, collapsing to the floor like a shitsack. Traynor has done well in picking up the transmission. The Grissom Academy was absolutely swarming with Cerberus assholes; it had been a miracle that Steve had been able to land at all. Sloane wondered why Cerberus was here. What could Cerberus want with a bunch of half trained biotic kids? There couldn't be more than a handful that were anywhere close to being combat ready.

"The Alliance has abandoned you, but Cerberus cares. Surrender peacefully and we will help you free yourselves from Alliance tyranny. Resist and we shall have no choice but to use lethal force!" a recording droned over the public announcement system on a loop.

"EDI, do you think you could shut that thing off?" Sloane asked. They had only been on Grissom a few minutes and already the recording was getting on her last nerve.

The robot nodded and said, "Provided we can locate a working terminal I should be able to shut off the recording. Perhaps we could find one in that room there." EDI pointed to a door that seemed to lead to a command center of some sort.

The door was badly damaged and so Sloane had to physically force it open. The gears groaned and as Sloane entered a woman who had been seated at a communications terminal quickly stood and turned on her heel, pointing a nasty looking pistol toward Sloane. The woman was clad in an Alliance uniform and had ridiculous blonde hair.

"You're not Cerberus," the woman said sounding somewhat surprised, "Who are you?"

"My name's Shepard. I'm with the Alliance. We intercepted a suspicious transmission from a Terrarium ship and came to investigate," Sloane replied.

"Shepard? Sloane Shepard?" the woman asked, lowering the pistol.

Sloane nodded in response.

"Admiral Anderson told me a lot about you, Commander Shepard," the woman said, "My name is Kahlee Sanders. I'm the head mistress here."

"What's the situation here Kahlee?" Sloane asked.

"We had already begun evacuating the children and staff when Cerberus attacked," Kaylee replied, "The younger children and most of our staff had left the station when the first Cerberus vessels attacked. There are still a handful of older kids and their instructor trapped in the auditorium."

"Alright, we'll get them out of there and then get you all off the station in our shuttle," Sloane said. "Will you be okay here until we get back with the kids?"

Kahlee once again held up the nasty looking pistol and smirked. "I think I'll be okay," she said, "It's been awhile, but I do have combat experience."

The blonde then wished Sloane well. The three space heroes once more headed into the hallway and in an instant were assailed once more by the annoying Cerberus recording. In all the excitement they'd totally forgotten to shut it off. Sloane grit her teeth and pressed on. Kaylee would be too busy opening the freight docks to deal with an annoying recording.

Sloane opened a door and made her way into a short hallway. Several Cerberus goons grunted a short way up ahead of where Sloane and her allies had entered. The goons hadn't yet noticed them and so Sloane decided to take out her frustration over the annoying recording and charged forward in a rush of space magic. Her bayonet pierced the kidneys of the nearest goon. He'd die a slow, painful death.

Hearing his friend's pained cry, the dying goon's ally wheeled about but before he could act, Sloane's fist met his face with a jaw jacking blow. The Cerberus asshole was knocked the fuck out and slammed into the floor with a sick thud.  With the Cerberus defenders dealt with, Sloane approached the door, but before she could begin to open the locked door, Kahlee voice came over Sloane's comlink.

"Shepard, I just got a message from one of the kids in the auditorium.  There are heckuva Cerberus troops in there now.  I'm hacking into the PA to tell them help is on the way," Kahlee said, before doing just that, shouting that the Alliance had come to their rescue and not to trust Cerberus.

Sloane opened the door to the auditorium, thankful that the stupid Cerberus recording was finally over.  Sloane entered to the sound of space magic booming at the far end of the large auditorium.  Off in the distance a familiar voice shouted, "I swear to Christ if any of you get knocked out by these fuckers I'm going to be really pissed off."

"Jack?" Sloane asked herself quietly. It couldn't possibly be Jack, could it? What business would a mentally unstable felon like Jack have at a school for children? She wouldn't be working with Cerberus but the only other possibility made just as little sense, but before she could confirm whether or not Jack had somehow found employment with the Alliance a massive Cerberus mech slammed into the room and began blasting rockets and shit all over the place.  Sloane saw a biotic bubble appear at the far end of the room, but knew that even with a biotic as strong as Jack such a bubble wouldn't last long.  They needed to take out that mech.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane shouted as space magic filled her veins and with a rush she flew forward, her space magic engulfed fist slamming into the mech, causing it to explode in a tremendous ball of fiery flames.  The reminding Cerberus fucklers were easily gunned down by Liara and EDI and it wasn't long before the auditorium was secure.  With the threat neutralized, Sloane called out, "Hello?"

"Shepard is that you?" the familiar voice from earlier called out before a newly fauxhawked Jack popped her head up from behind a space crate.  She stood and crossed the room to where Sloane stood, drew back her fist and punched Sloane in the face.  "I told you these fuckers were bad news didn't I Shepard?"

Sloane rubbed her jaw and nodded, "I know Jack.  I'm back with the Alliance now.  We picked up a weird Terrarium transmission from the Academy that EDI here determined was using the same coding as that Terrarium transmission the Illusive Smoking Man used to trick us into going onto that Collector ship before, so we came out here."

Jack blinked. "Holy shit that's EDI? You used to look like a sextoy and now you look like a sexbot."

EDI nodded and said something about basing her form on the scientifically most appealing human female form but no one was paying attention.

The comlink in Sloane's helmet suddenly clicked to life. It was Steve Gomez, their shuttle pilot, and he did not sound happy. "Commander, that Cerberus cruiser finally stopped chasing the Normandy 2 and is coming back.  Another minute or two and I'm going to have a hell of a time getting off this station in one piece."

"Steve, get out of there while you still can.  We'll get out another way," Sloane said before addressing Kahlee, asking, "There is another way off this station right?"

Kahlee's voice came over the comlink, crackling with static, and said, "There's a freight dock that doesn't seem to be locked down. We should be able to get out through there after I override some security programs.  Just give me a minute alright?"

"Sounds good," Sloane replied and then turned to Jack and asked, "How'd you end up here teaching kids?  I mean I got locked up and put on trial by the Alliance for working with Cerberus, but you, a woman with a criminal record a mile and a half long, who'd also worked for Cerberus got brought on to teach children?  It doesn't make sense."

"I dunno.  That Anderson guy put in a good word for me after they busted you.  He talked me up to the bigwigs, telling them how I'd served with distinction under you and pretty much helped you save all of humanity from the Collectors," Jack said with a shrug, "I guess that doesn't really make a lot of sense does it?  They arrest you and then the fact that I helped you caused me to get this job.  Maybe because I wasn't physically with you when you blew up all those Bavarians?  I dunno."

"I can't say this is what I'd ever imagined for you," Sloane said.

"I couldn't at first either, but I guess your whole Girl Scout act rubbed off on me and I took the job.  I don't know how it happened, but these little shits kind of grew on me," Jack said in response, "They're like the family I never had.  Man that sounds lame."

Sloane understood completely how Jack felt.  She had come to feel the same way about the men and women and AIs and weird praying mantis men and everyone else who had served with her on the Normandy.  Maybe it had something to do with growing up without a family of her own.  "It's not lame Jack," Sloane said, "I kind of feel the same way sometimes.  Maybe women like us need replacement families."

"Shepard, I told you before I'm straight," Jack said.

"I meant orphans Jack," Sloane said, "We're both orphans..."

"Oh, I guess that makes more sense doesn't it?"

**Commercial Break**

The doors out of the auditorium side open and in an instant a heap of Cerberus fucklers were upon them.  Jack and her students had considered such an inevitability and took to higher ground, throwing space magic chunks down from on high as Sloane, Liara and EDI fought the ground forces Cerberus had left behind.  The Cerberus fucklers were dug in well, with shields and barriers and shit all over the goddamn place and to make matters worse there was a ginormous mech clomping about shooting rockets and basically being an asshole. 

Sloane was getting sick and tired of Cerberus and their goddamn bullshit and just let her shotgun blast.  "BOOYAH!  BOOYAH!"  Cerberus fucklers were getting shotgunned left and right like it was their job, but more and more Cerberus goons came.  How many dudes did the Illusive Smoking Man have in his employ?  Why couldn't he have just thrown all these cannon fodder guys at the Collectors back in the day and let her stay dead?  Sloane was becoming angrier and angrier by the minute as she put Cerberus on blast, and by the time she ran out of shotgun ammo and had to switch to an uzi, she was furious.  Fortunately by that time the Cerberus goons in the atrium were more or less shotgun blasted corpses.

"Commander Shepard, the shuttles are a short distance up ahead," Kahlee's voice sounded over Sloane's comlink, calming her berserker frenzy, "I've got some bad news though I'm afraid.  Cerberus forces have fortified the area.  You're going to have to fight your way in."

"Fuck," Sloane said.  She was completely drained and didn't know how much more Cerberus she could take.

"Don't worry Shepard, you've got me and my students," Jack said with a laugh, "We'll save your ass again."

"Thanks for that Jack," Sloane said over the comlink and then, after picking up some loose ammo for her shotgun, headed for the doors.  She found herself in a short hallway at the end of which was a biotic bubble.  A couple of Cerberus assfucks were harassing some more students, but they hadn't noticed her yet.  Sloane took aim with her shotgun and blew the head off one assfuck.  The second assfuck wheeled about to see what had happened, but before he could even aim his gun, Sloane blew his head clear off his shoulders as well.  There was blood everywhere!

Sloane strode up to the bubble and was like, "Hey kids, we gotta get the eff out of here okay?" but the one girl in the bubble was all like, "Who the fuck are you coming in here with a shotgun, putting fools on blast?  Why should I trust you?"  Lucky for Sloane an autistic genius was like "Commander Shepard, it's good to see you again," and then told the surly girl in the bubble, "Commander Shepard is good people, we should listen to her."  The surly bubble girl relented and the students headed off towards safety.

EDI and Liara were all like, "Who was that autistic genius?" and Sloane was like, "His name was David Archer.  Remember in Goonies at the end when Data is like 'The octopus was very scary!' only there was no octopus in that movie?  David Archer is my Goonies octopus.  He was plot that happened in season two that no one saw.  Don't worry about him.  He's a good kid, but I'll be pissed if we encounter his brother."

"Who was his brother?" EDI asked.

"Some Cerberus asshole who did Clockwork Orange shit to David there to try and talk to geth or something.  I don't know really...it was gross and I tried to block it from my mind," Sloane replied, "Anyway, we're wasting a lot of time standing her jawin' like jackanapes.  Let's make a move." 

The trio of space heroes opened the door at then end of the hallway and found themselves standing in a massive chamber.  A huge Cerberus mech stood approximately 100 meters ahead of them, but the engineer was standing beside it muttering to himself about "Lousy mech junk!" and looking for something in a nearby toolbox.  He hadn't noticed Sloane or the others, so Sloane lowered her shotgun and with a resounding "BOOYAH!" but a shotgun shell clear through the engineer's dome.  There was blood everywhere and all over the goddamn place, but Sloane didn't even notice.  Her eyes were locked on the now abandoned mech.

Sloane climbed up into the giant robot and threw a power switch.  She hadn't piloted a mech since she was a private, but it there was a reason "like piloting a combat mech," was a common idiom for remembering how to do some task with ease after a long period of not performing the aforementioned task.  It didn't take Sloane long before she was tromping forward in the mech crushing Cerberus assholes underfoot.

"AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Sloane bellowed triumphantly as Cerberus goons were reduced to jelly beneath the clomping feet of the mech.

"Sloane, do be careful with that thing," Liara said over the comlink, "We don't know what that engineer was trying to repair before you blew he head apart and jumped into that thing.  I know that I, for one, will be very upset if you die again."

"Don't worry about it Liara," Sloane said, "Hey check this out!"  Sloane launched a rocket from the mech that sailed across the room and hit another mech just as it came tramping up a small staircase from an ancillary room off the main, big ass room.  The enemy mech exploded spectacularly.  Sloane wondered where the shuttles even were and called up Kahlee Sanders.

"'Sup Sloane?" Kahlee said, sounding rather harried, "I'm a little busy here."

"Just checking on when those shuttles will be ready," Sloane said nonchalantly, "I've got a mech and am wrecking house on everything, so I'm in no big rush, but I think those students of yours are getting a little tired trying to keep their biotic bubble activated."

"The shuttles are almost ready alright?" Kahlee said, "Just give me a couple more minutes."

Sloane would give her more than a couple more minutes.  She would give Kahlee five to seven minutes to finish whatever it was she was doing to get the shuttles operational.  Sloane fired the mech's guns while laughing maniacally.  The Cerberus fucks were torn to shreds by the mech heavy guns.  She would have to talk to Admiral Hackett about maybe getting a mech of her own to use in the future.  It made all these bullshit, "Go to this place and kill many Cerberus fucks," missions a heck of a lot easier.  Time, as the saying goes, flies when you are having fun and it wasn't long before Kahlee was on the comlink all like, "Yo Sloane, the shuttles are ready.  Get those kids and get out of there!"

"Right!" Sloane said and then leaped down from the mech and yelled up to Jack, "Jack!  It's time to haul ass to the shuttles!  Let's go!"

The students and Jack ran toward the docking bay with Sloane, EDI and Liara.  As they got into the docking bay, Jack shouted, "Fuck!  Where the shit is Rodriguez?"  Sloane turned and there, in the big ass room that she had just wrecked house on in a mech, she saw a student she assumed to be Rodriguez clutching a gut shot and being perused by more Cerberus fucks.  Sloane pounded on the plate glass window with the butt of her shotgun trying to break it in order to shoot the shit out of the Cerberus fucks, but the glass wasn't glass at all.  It was hard plastic!

"Stop fucking around Shepard!" Jack shouted and space magicked the shit out of the window.  She quickly slaughtered all the Cerberus fucks and Rodriguez was saved.  They all were.

* * *

 

"FUCK YEAH!  WHEN WE GET TO THE CITADEL I'M GETTING ALL YOU LITTLE SHITS TATTOOS!" Jack shouted with glee, "You guys did alright for yourselves.  Except you Rodriguez.  That was some weak shit getting shot like that."

"Sorry Teach..." Rodriguez said looking forlorn.

Jack grinned and said, "Nah I'm just bustin' your balls.  You did good too Rodriguez, but you might want to get that shit looked at by a real doctor otherwise it's going to scar.  I mean if you feel like explaining how some Cerberus fuck shot you every time you and some dude are going to bang leave it, but if I were you I'd get it checked out."

Kahlee cleared her throat deliberately and then turned to Sloane and said, "We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, so what remains of the Grissom Academy is at your disposal.  I think the students have proven themselves to be ready for combat missions but if you feel they'd be better suited for some kind of bullshit 'support' role that's your call."  Kahlee had done air quotes as she'd said "support" so Sloane was like, "Yeah send 'em into combat."

A moment later Joker radioed and said, "Hey Commander we're coming around to pick you up now.  I heard that Jack's a teacher there now.  Is that true?  Did the Alliance really let a topless crazy person with a criminal record longer than the Normandy teach kids?"

"Hey Joker," Jack shouted, "Fuck you!"


	49. Mass Effect - S03E07 - Sur'Kesh

_One Year Ago..._

Morton Solas crossed the room in a flash and shoved his pistol up against the demon alien scientist's temple, and shouted, "Understand desire to undo genophage, but not this way! Never taught you like this!"

Morton's former student looked nervous, and said, "The genophage was a mistake. We have played God and the Krogans have paid the price."

"Experimenting on live subjects?! Kidnapping?!" Morton shouted lividly, "Not this way!" His finger seemed to twitch on the pistol's trigger.

"Morton! Killing him won't change anything," Sloane said, "Let him go."

Morton lowered his pistol and his student ran off out of the ruins before Morton had a chance to reconsider. He stared at the data displayed on the monitor before him, "Must delete data. Could be used to reverse genophage, yes, but data collected unethically."

Sloane looked at Morton and said, "But the data's already here. Yes, the research was conducted in a scummy fashion, but maybe something here could be useful later."

"Shepard makes good point. Data could prove invaluable later. Shall save data but make no promise about willingness to use data later," Morton said. The demon alien linked his Power Glove to the terminal and made a copy before scrubbing the data from the terminal.

"C'mon let's get out of here. We still have to help Grunt go through puberty or something," Sloane said and together she and Morton Solas walked out of the makeshift laboratory in the ruins.

_Today..._

"So...have you given any more thought to the plight of the Terrariums?" the Primarch asked. His tone was accusatory as though none of the bullshit Sloane had been involved with since picking him up on Menae mattered. Did he think she'd been out dancing and flirting with cute girls across the galaxy? That would have been preferable to the countless Cerberus plots she'd become embroiled with or the endless reports of Reaper activity Liara handed her each morning at breakfast. Maybe brokering a peace between the Terrariums and Krogan would be less of a pain in the ass.

"I was just going in there to call Wrex Da'House," Sloane said. It was the truth but the Primarch arched what passed for Terrarium eyebrows as if to say, "Sure you were." She cursed Cerberus for bringing her back from the dead for the 9,368th time and made her way back to the makeshift communication room.

"EDI, can you dial Wrex for me on Tchunka?" she asked the ship's AI.

"Of course Shepard," EDI replied from somewhere, "Dialing Wrex on Tchunka."

A moment later a hologram of the Krogan chieftain appeared before her. Wrex had done well for himself since serving with Sloane and defeating the very charismatic space ship, Sovereign. He had somehow managed to unite the bulk of the Krogan under his rule.

"Shepard!" Wrex exclaimed enthusiastically, "I'm glad to see you're still alive. I heard about what happened on Earth."

"C'mon Wrex, you know it would take a little more than a massive Reaper invasion to kill me," Sloane replied with a wry smirk.

Wrex laughed, a deep booming laugh, and said, "And even if they had killed you chances are someone would just bring you back from the dead so you could kick their asses!"

This time Sloane laughed before getting serious. "The situation's not good out her Wrex. We need your help. We need the Krogans if we're going to win this war. The Terrariums want to talk peace with you..."

"Bah! The Terrariums! No dice Shepard...not unless you can get those ugly demon aliens to agree to it too!" Wrex spat angrily, "And if this happens we're all meeting on your ship out in some neutral system."

Sloane exhaled and said, "Alright Wrex. I'll get the demon aliens to come and we'll sort this whole mess out."

"Alright. Call me back once these peace talks are a go and I'll come," Wrex said, "In the meantime be careful out there Shepard. I always liked you." In an instant the hologram of the Krogan faded away leaving Sloane alone with her thoughts. How would she get the demon aliens to agree to this? Their relationship with the Krogans seemed even more strained than that of the Terrariums. For the 9,369th time she cursed Cerberus for resurrecting her.

She walked back into the war room and found the Primarch standing there, apparently waiting for her.

"The Daltrassa has agreed to attend the talks with the Krogans," Primarch Victus said as Sloane looked at him in askance.

"How did you know that..."

"That the Krogans would demand that the demon aliens attend as well?" Primarch Victus asked, his clacking mandibles forming a sly smirk, "The demon aliens are the ones who came up with the genophage. The Krogans hate the demon aliens more than they hate us."

Sloane breathed a sigh of relief. Setting up these peace talks had gone a little too smoothly. She was certain that when the other shoe dropped it wouldn't be pretty.

**Commercial Break**

"If you want the Krogans to help you're gonna have to undo the genophage," Wrex said. His gaze was unblinking.

"This is simply outrageous!" shouted the demon alien Daltrassa, "Undo the genophage and even if we do defeat the Reapers we will all be destroyed within a generation. It must not be done!"

Sloane had had about as much of this bullshit as she could take and blurted out, "Shut up. Your people have nearly wiped out the Krogans because you're afraid of what they might do. It's fucking garbage. Wrex, if there's a way to cure the genophage I promise you we'll find it."

"These asshole demons already cured it," Wrex said, "About a year ago some demon alien suddenly grew a conscious and decided to undo the genophage. He healed a few lady Krogans but then these fucking asshole came and took them away."

"Where did you take the healed Krogan females?" Sloane asked the Daltrassa, her eyes burning furiously.

"Sur'Kesh," the demon alien leader said, a scowl forming upon her withered lips, "But even if you get the females back it won't be enough to cure the genophage in other Krogans or even revive the populations. There are only a few fertile females remaining and the vast majority of the male population is sterile."

"So we'll fix it," Sloane said remember the data she had convinced Morton Solas not to delete one year earlier, "For now though we're going to Sur'Kesh to get those Krogan ladies back."

"Fine. You can go to Sur'Kesh, but know this: no one likes a bully Commander Shepard!" the Daltrassa exclaimed, "One day you will need help and find yourself totally alone because you are nothing but a bully!"

Sloane laughed out loud, "I'm the bully? I'm not the one who doomed an entire species to extinction because I was afraid of what they might do."

The Daltrassa stood in a huff and waddled off, undoubtedly to the shuttle bay. Sloane had a feeling it was going to be next to impossible to get the demon aliens to support her against the Reapers now. She hoped they could cure the genophage because if they couldn't she'd lost the support of the demon aliens for nothing.

"I guess this meeting's adjourned," Primarch Victus said with a sigh.

"Looks that way," Sloane said and then after taking out her comlink hailed Steve Cortez in the docking bay and said, "Steve get a shuttle ready. We're going to Sur'Kesh."

Wrex stood and shook his head, "Not without me you aren't. I need to make sure my people are alright down there."

"Alright Wrex." Sloane wasn't about to argue with an already annoyed Krogan about who got to be in the landing party. "Let's get a move on then."

A short while later the shuttle was descending slowly towards Sur'Kesh. Garrus glanced at Wrex, Liara and Shepard and smiled. "Just like old times," he said, "We just need Tali and Ashley here and we'd have the whole gang back together again."

"We'll never have the whole gang back together again Garrus," Sloane said.

"I'm sure Ashley will come to her senses and stop being a jerk to you about Cerberus," the Terrarium replied.

"I was talking about Dave," Sloane replied.

A look of confusion appeared on Garrus' face and he asked, "Sorry, who?"

"Dave 'Wedge' Kaidan," Sloane replied.

"Sorry. It's not ringing any bells," Garrus said with a shrug.

"He died on Weimar," Sloane said, "Boring slightly brodudish human biotic..."

The identity of Dave Kaidan finally sank in and Garrus exclaimed, "Oh! That guy. I'd totally forgotten about him. Wasn't he kind of a douche? Like he got all pissed off that you and Liara were hooking up or something?"

"Something like that," Sloane said. Kaidan had been a presumptuous ass but that didn't make his death any easier to swallow. Her decisions had gotten him killed and it weighed heavily on her, even if he had been kind of an asshole. She wondered how many of her friends would die before this whole thing was over with and slumped back in her seat.

A moment later Steve Cortez yelled back into the passages compartment of the landing craft, "Uh Commander are you sure the demon aliens are cool with is coming? It doesn't look like they're too happy to see us."

Sloane glanced out the window and saw demon alien commandos and gunners assembling on the landing platform, their guns drawn already.

**Commercial Break**

Sloane, shotgun drawn, leapt down out of the landing craft and shouted, "What the shit is this? We were told to come here and pick up the Krogan females!"

"Drop your fucking guns and get down on the motherfucking ground you fuckers!" the demon alien commando closest to them screamed with all the conviction of a substitute middle school math teacher.

Behind her Sloane heard something heavy hit the ground and a moment later a heavy hand was on her shoulder pushing her aside. Wrex pushed past her, his own shotgun aimed at the commando leader.  "We're here for the lady krogans dickpunch so get outta my way!" the Krogan leader growled like a gravel avalanche or gravalanche if you will.

The demon alien was the first to blink.  "Okay!  Okay!  Just hold on...let me check with my superior officers," he said and then turned on his com and spoke into it, "I've got a couple humans, an Asari and a Krogan here saying that they're here for the female krogans.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Okay.  Yeah, just next time maybe let us know when these sort of orders come down from the Daltrassa.  We nearly shot them down.  Alright."  The demon alien lowered his gun and said, "Sorry about that.  They just got word from the Daltrassa you were coming.  You're cleared to go down into the labs and get the female Krogans."

Wrex started towards the building at the other end of the landing pad, but the demon alien commando stopped him.  "I'm sorry, but the orders are to let these three in.  I was told to have you wait here," the demon alien said, looking rather incredibly nervous.  Sloane didn't blame him.  An angry Krogan with a shotgun was enough to make even the most stalwart commando nervous.

The Krogan leader growled angrily and started to raise his overlarge shotgun again, but Sloane quickly said, "Wrex, we'll go and get them okay?  You have my word that I won't let anything happen to them alright?"

"Fine!  But if anything happens to them, so help me Shepard I will make handcrafts out of your bones and sell them on Etsy as traditional Krogan handicrafts!"

Sloane nodded and then together with James Vega and Liara T'sonni headed down towards the science bunker at the opposite end of the demon alien base.  They had scarcely gone ten meters when a somewhat familiar demon alien voice called out, "Sloane Shepard?  Doctor T'sonni?  Muscle man I don't know?"  Sloane glanced to her side to see Captain Hold The Line from the assault on the Wiemar Republic.

"Hey Captain..."  Shit, what was his name?

"It's actually Major now...Major Kirrahe," the Hold The Line guy said, "I suppose I have you to thank for that.  After Wiemar I got promoted, but if I'm honest if it weren't for you and that guy...Dave?  Mike?  Whatever his name was...you know, that dude who got blown up so the rest of us could live?"

"Dave Kaidan..." Sloane said with as much pathos as she could muster for Dave "Wedge" Kaidan.  "Good dude...real shame he's not here anymore we could really use more guys like him in this fight against the Reapers."

"Well, whatever happens I hope you know I got your back Shepard," Kirrahe said, "I know the Dalatrass is kind of pissed off with you, but my men and I will stand with you and HOLD THE LINE!" 

Sloane was all like, "Yo that's cool bro, but I gotta go pick up some lady Krogans so I can broker a peace between the Krogans and Turrians. You know how it is. I'll give you a call before the final battle alright? Peace!" She then crossed the remaining distance to the demon alien science bunker and got into an elevator that rumbled downward into the scientific bowels of Sur'Kesh.

"Lot of guns and security for a science bunker eh Lolo?" James said as the elevator descended.

"Lolo?" Liara asked with a raised eyebrow.

James smirked, "Don't get mad Doc, I know you and her have something going on I'm not trying to make a move on your woman or anything...it's just a nickname.  She looks like a Lola is all."

"If you say so," Liara said with a look of suspicion.

Sloane was glad that the elevator doors opened, allowing her to escape the awkwardness. She walked out of the elevator and grabbed the nearest man of science and asked him where the lady Krogans were. The man of science pointed to a series of clean rooms on the other end of the room. As Sloane approached she heard a familiar voice, "Shepard. Heard you were coming. Good to see heard right." It was Morton Solas.

"Morton it's good to see you too," she said and shook hands with the demon alien, "I take it you know why I'm hear?"

"Here to collect female krogans," Morton said, "Bit of bad news. Female krogans' immune systems were weakened by my stupid student's experiment. Only one left alive. Prepping her for departure now."

Sloane shook her head. Fuck, only one lady Krogan left? Wrex Da'House was not going to be happy to hear that. "Is she okay?" Sloane asked, "Her immune system I mean."

Morton replied, "Afraid not. Immune system also compromised. No guarantee she will survive transfer. Come. Will introduce you."

The demon alien with a crumpled horn lead Sloane to an oversized pod containing a female krogan. "Uh hello? I'm Commander Shepard. I'm here with Wrex Da'House to bring you back to Tchunka."

The lady krogan glared at Sloane from within her pod and merely said, "I know."

"Female Krogan should remain in pod until safely aboard Normandy," Morton said, "Will take her up to the docking area myself."

Sloane nodded and watched as Morton wheeled the pod to a nearby service elevator. Sloane headed back toward the elevator she had taken down the the science base when suddenly Wrex's bellowing voice barked over her comlink, "Shepard! We're coming under fire up here.  Looks like it's those Cerberus fucks! Get the lady Krogans and get back to the ship!"

"Wrex, there's only one left.  She's loaded into a freight elevator already and should be to the docking area shortly," Sloane said, "We're com..."

 _KABOOM!!!_ A terrible explosion ripped through the elevator, sending Sloane careening through the air.  She landed hard but beside having the wind momentarily knocked out of her seemed to be okay. She called out to Liara and James and found them to both be safe as well. Sloane got on the com and tried to raise Morton, "Morton! Cerberus is attacking the base. They blew up the elevator. Is there another way up?"

"Emergency exit in science base. Hurry Shepard. Coming under heavy fire in slow moving freight elevator. Cerberus seems to be targeting female Krogan," Morton replied.

Sloane double timed it to the emergency exit and began making her way up the ladder. Time was of the essence so she and her allies moved with a quickness. As she emerged above ground a Cerberus shuttle flew overhead and a bunch of Cerberus fucks leaped out, their guns blasting like woah. Sloane readied her shotgun and began the blast the fuck out the the Cerberus asshole. Chunks of gore and fountains of crimson blood splattered as her shotgun tore the Cerberus fuckers apart. It was like a goddamn car crash.

There was no time to waste and as the last Cerberus fell dead away, Sloane pressed on, making her way to the nearby door, but as she approached a goddamn ogre busted out of some sort of containment cell and wrecked house on everything. "Hey Liara you think that guy's pissed you killed his buddy and took over as Shadowbroker?" Sloane asked with a grin as she pressed on.

"Not funny Sloane," Liara said all stern and serious like a schoolmarm. 

The three space heroes made their way up a nearby staircase but once again were met by Cerberus fucks who grunted, "GET DOWN! TAKING FIRE! HEAVY CASUALTIES!" as they randomly shot guns and threw smoke bombs. Morton's voice suddenly cracked over the comlink, "Power to elevator cut. Need time to restore power. Shields still holding but Cerberus attacking."

"Alright, we'll buy you some time Morton," Sloane said, "Just keep that Krogan safe." Sloane's shotgun brayed for blood with a "BOOYAH!" that cut through the din of combat raging all about them. The Cerberus fuckers didn't know what hit them as shotgun shells wrecked their shit. Shotgunned limbs sailed through the air and Cerberus fucks gurgled their last dying breaths. 

"Shepard. Power restored. Continuing upward," Morton's voice said over the comlink. She watched the elevator continue to rise and made haste to the nearby staircase.  If Cerberus had cut the power once they could cut it again.

At the top of the stairs she saw Major Kirrahe. "Hey Shepard, I'm just here, HOLDING THE LINE like I'm prone to do. Check this shit out!" The demon alien major took out a pretty awesome looking pistol and aimed at a group of Cerberus fucks at the far end of the hall, pulled the trigger and blew all five of them away. "Demon Alien tech," Kirrahe said with a grin, "Here, you take one. I'm sure you'll put it to good use." He took another pistol from his belt and handed it to Sloane and then was like, "Well, this line has been held.  I'm off to HOLD ANOTHER LINE!" Kirrahe headed off into the fog of war. 

Sloane handed Liara the demon alien blaster since she herself didn't fuck around with pistols. She didn't need anything more than a goddamn shotgun, her fists, and her modest biotic powers to wreck house on fools.  They continued onward and upward, slaughtering every goddamn Cerberus fuck they came across and defending a stuck freight elevator a couple more times before finally coming to the docking area.

"Shepard. Need to lower crane. Cerberus fucks being douchebags. Hurry," came Morton's frantic voice over the com.

Sloane sprinted toward the pod, her shotgun screaming "BOOYAH!" til it was nearly hoarse. Blood and guts were flying all over the goddamn place, but she quickly made short work of them. Liara and James Vega may have helped a little, but neither of them wrote the mission reports so she'd be sure to downplay their contributions when she let Hackett know about the mission. Sloane reached the pod and opened it, letting the lady Krogan out.

She bowed slightly and said, "Perhaps I was wrong about you before. I have never known a human that would go out of their way to help a Krogan the way you did. You have my thanks."

"We're not out of this yet," Sloane said, "You can thank me when we're back on my ship." As if on cue a giant Cerberus mech suddenly crashed to the ground and began firing rockets the moment the words had left Sloane's mouth. "Wrex! Where's that shuttle?" she shouted into her com.

"We're on our way!" came Wrex's voice, "There's a lot of Cerberus bullshit up here shooting at us."

"Fan fucking tastic!" Sloane said, "Vega! Keep Mrs. Krogan and Morton safe until the shuttle arrives. Liara, you and I are going to take out that mech!"

"Right!" Liara said with a nod and together she and Sloane dove behind a space crate and readied a twin blast of space magic that was sure to fuck up the mech big time!

"On three," Sloane said, "One. Two. Three!" She and Liara leaped up from behind the space crates and hurled chunks of space magic at the mech, hitting it directly in the one bit of flawed engineering it contained, causing the mech to explode in a spectacular explosion of exploding.

As the mech exploded (quite spectacularly by Sloane's estimation), the shuttle arrived and landed nearby. Wrex Da'House leapt out and ran to Mrs. Krogan. "Are you safe?" he said sounding concerned. Mrs. Krogan grabbed Wrex's shotgun, turned on her heels and blasted the fuck out of a pair of Cerberus fucks.

"I don't need you or any man to keep me safe," she said like a stone cold badass before heading to the shuttle and saying, "C'mon let's get out of here."

"Shepard. Decided to come too," Morton said, "Seen error of my ways. My genophage. My responsibility."

Sloane nodded and said, "Welcome aboard." Everyone climbed into the shuttle, but as Sloane began to walk up the gangplank she heard a terrible gurgling sound. She turned to see a Cerberus fuck, his chest all blow apart and bloody gasping for air. She approached and demanded to know, "Why did the Illusive Smoking Man send you here?!" but the Cerberus fuck just died. No big loss.

* * *

 

"Good work with the Krogan-Demon Alien-Terrarium situation Shepard," the hologram of Hackett said, "Have they committed to the war effort yet?"

"No, Wrex Da'House is demanding that all the Krogans be cured of the genophage before he'll agree to help the Terrariums. We've got Morton Solas working on it right now. He's confident he can have a cure ready soon. The other demon aliens have more or less told us to fuck off because of the entire curing the genophage thing but Major Kirrahe told me he'd help HOLD THE LINE in the final battle."

"The HOLD THE LINE guy? That's a big score even if the other demon aliens are being assholes," Hackett said, "Keep me posted on Morton's progress. We need the Krogans and Terrariums to place nice if we're going to stand a chance against the Reapers."

"Understood sir. Have you made any progress with the schematics Dr. T'sonni discovered?"

"We've begun construction on it and dubbed it the Crucible. We've got our best people on it and are throwing money and resources at it. We'll finish it at any cost since it might be our only hope against these goddamn charismatic spaceships."

"I understand sir."

"Good. Hackett out." The hologram faded away and Sloane hoped to herself that they would survive long enough to complete the Crucible...perhaps their only chance of defeating the Reapers.

 


	50. Mass Effect - S03E08 - Tchunka

The Terrarium Primarch had a look on his face as Sloane left the communication room like, "I got something to say to you but I don't know how to say it."

"What do you want to ask me?" Sloane asked bluntly. She'd had enough of all the beating around the bush and petty squabbling and bullshit and was going to be so pissed off if everyone in the galaxy died because a bunch of aliens were being stubborn assholes.

"Um...it's my son. He was leading a mission down on Tchunka but his ship was shot down by Reaper forces," the Primarch said.

"Your son is down on Tchunka on a military mission?" Sloane asked in disbelief, "Are you fucking kidding me? What's this mission?"

"It's nothing against the Krogans...I promise you that, but I shouldn't say anything else," the Primarch said, "All you need to know is if my son and his team are discovered by the Krogans it will be the end to the peace talks."

He was right. Sloane sighed and radioed Liara and told her to get her stuff and meet her down in the shuttle bay. She then got in the elevator and went down to the shuttle bay and shouted, "Vega, get your shit, we're going to Tchunka to save the Primarch's kid."

James Vega emerged from his cubbyhole and flexed his tricep meat. "AW YE YE! Time to bag 'em and tag 'em! Wait...what are Terrariums doing down on Tchunka?"

"The fuck if I know, but if the Krogans find them before we do the galaxy is probably fucked," Sloane said.

A moment later they were joined by Liara. She was clad in a form fitting archeologist's jumpsuit and as she climbed into the landing craft James Vega nodded appreciatively and elbowed Sloane in the ribs, "Damn Lolo, you're a lucky woman. That ass...WOOO!"

"You're disgusting Vega," Sloane said. She totally agreed with his assessment of Liara's assets but was in no mood for his bullshit. She and Vega climbed aboard the shuttle and she told the pilot, Steve Cortez, to take them down.

As the shuttle left the docking bay and began its descent to the planet below, Liara moved over next to Sloane and asked her, "What's wrong Shepard?"

"It's just all this bullshit. Everything's falling apart and no one can get along," Sloane said, her lips forming a pout.

Liara put her hand on Sloane and said, "That's not true Sloane. Look at the people who have fought alongside you. You'll get everyone to see what needs to be done."

Maybe she was right. She'd already gotten Krogans and Terrariums and demon aliens to work together aboard the Normandy and even noted space racist, X.O. Presley, had come around on aliens under her command before the goddamn Collectors had ruined his shit.

Steve Cortez turned his head from the pilot's chair and said, "I'm getting some radio chatter but the signal's too weak to make out what it is. They're broadcasting on a Terrarium frequency though."

"Can you locate where the signal's originating from Steve Cortez?" Sloane asked.

"I've already triangulated the location," said Steve Cortez, "Unfortunately there's a mess of Reaper forces down there. They'll swarm the shuttle if we get too close. I'm going to have to drop you a little further back."

"Aw ye ye!" James said as he punched a fist into his palm, "Time to bag 'em tag 'em then!"

**Commercial Break**

Static crackled over Sloane's comlink as a voice called out, "Hello? Is someone there? This is Lieutenant Victus. Our platoon's getting their shit handed to them by some Reaper goons."

"This is Commander Sloane Shepard of the S.S. Normandy," Sloane said, "We were sent by your father to save your ass. Can you shoot off a flare so we can see where you are? It's a fucking mess down here."

"Alright," clacked the Terrarium over the com. A moment later a flare streaked upward and burst overhead.

"Hang tight. We're on our way," Sloane replied as she got a lock on the flare.

The three space heroes set off toward the flare, through the burnt out ruins of a once massive Krogan city. Eons of violence had left it little more than dust and twisted metal. It was slow going and the heaps of husks and cannibals that ran up on didn't make it any easier.

Sloane and her fellow space heroes gunned down the shitfuck Reaper foes as they scrambled up over the crumbled rubble of an ancient Krogan metropolis. After a time they came upon a crashed escape pod of Terrarium make beside which laid a pair of dead Terrariums and a Terrarium space uzi. Sloane cursed under her breath and then picked up the gun since corpses had no use for a space uzi and then pressed forward. If she didn't get to Lieutenant Victus soon he and the rest of his men would wind up as dead as the dead Terrarium uzi specialists.

"GRAWWWWWWK!!!" a terrible cry howled down from overhead and Sloane looked up to see a horrible dragon vomiting husks and cannibals down into the ruined city.

"The fuck is that thing?!" Vega shouted in utter shock and disbelief.

The dragon suddenly spotted then and swooped down toward the ruined rubble they were hiding behind.

"Whatever it is, get ready because here it comes!" Sloane shouted and then opened fire on the great screaming beast.

Her shotgun hollered furiously as is spat bullet upon bullet into the raging dragon thing. Vega and Liara had similar ideas and were unloading upon the fiendish creature with guns (and in Liara's case biotics). After a moment the creature let out another cry of, "GRAWWWWWK!" and once more took to the sky.

"Come on," Sloane said, "Let's double time it!"

The three space heroes set off once more through the mangled metal and heaps of cracked bricks and mortar. Every step of the way was a battle as husks and marauders tried to wreck their shit. As Sloane gunned them down her com suddenly came to life. It was Lieutenant Victus.

"You got an ETA Commander Shepard? We're in a real bad way over here."

"We're nearly to your location," Sloane said, "We've run into some resistance...husks and dragons and shit."

"I feel ya," Victus said in reply, "Just hurry okay?"

Sloane dropped down from a ledge into an open area. Victus and his men were only a few clicks ahead, but as Sloane started across the clearing a terrible scream of, "GRAWWWWWK!!" echoed down from above. It was the dragon from earlier and it looked pissed.

Sloane was pissed off too though and came out with guns blazing. Her shotgun wrecked the dragon's shit completely, causing the great beast to explode in a typhoon of blood and guts. For the first time that day Sloane let herself smile.

A short distance up ahead she found Lieutenant Victus and his men. The men did not seem happy.

"Fuck you Victus! It's your fault half our crew's going home in body bags," shouted one such fellow as Sloane approached.

"But the mission!" pleaded Lieutenant Victus.

"Fuck the mission!" another angry Terrarium clacked, "Why should we give a shit about what happens to the Krogan anyway?"

Sloane's interest was piqued. "Hey, I'm Commander Shepard and I just saved you all, so why not tell me what's going on dudes?"

An angry Terrarium shouted, "This asshole tried to bring us in for a landing in a Reaper controlled area and for what? So we could stop Cerberus from getting a damn bomb and blowing up the Krogans?"

"Yeah! It's bullshit!" shouted the other remaining Krogan.

Victus looked to Sloane is askance and through gritted teeth Sloane whispered, "Give a speech. Some stirring bit of oration..."

The Terrarium understood and said, "I may have caused our ship to get shot down but we had a duty to carry out. It is true some of us died, but those who did, died with honor. I will carry on, on my own if need be, but I will answer the call of duty and do my duty to god and my country and obey the law of the pack. Who's with me?!"

There was some murmuring but no one said anything, so Sloane said, "Oh for fuck's sake...I'm in."

The Terrarium platoon was suddenly like, "Fighting alongside Commander Shepard? Fuck yeah I'm in!" and gathered up their weapons and prepared to carry out their mission.

Sloane approached Lieutenant Victus and was like, "Yo Boss, what's all this about a bomb? Your pops was pretty vague about this mission of yours."

A look of embarrassment appeared on Victus' face and he replied, "A couple hundred years ago the Terrariums planted a bomb capable of destroying Tchunka a short distance from here. How Cerberus discovered it I can't imagine, but if they detonate it, the loss of life will be catastrophic."

"Why didn't the Terrariums just tell the Krogan what was going on?" Sloane asked.

"It was deemed to be too risky to the tentative peace we have with the Krogan now," the Lieutenant replied.

Again Sloane cursed under her breath. She was so sick and tired of having to be the one to undo everyone else's mistakes. She sighed and said, "Alright, let's go disarm a 200 year old bomb before Cerberus kills us all."

**Commercial Break**

Bullets whizzed all about as Sloane leaped from the landing craft. She hit the ground and ran for cover as a rocket exploded nearby. Cerberus were dug in pretty well and weren't going to let her get anywhere near the bomb without a fight. She was more than happy to oblige them.

Sloane fought her way through the Cerberus dickbags and the explosions bursting all around her toward a ruined building up ahead. James and Liara were beside her, their own guns wrecking just as much house in the Cerberus fucklers as Sloane's own. The Terrariums were fighting their way in from the rear.

The three space heroes made their way into the ruined wreck of a building and immediately came under heavy fire from more Cerberus fuckers. Sloane looked and Liara and without saying a word the two  
women unleashed a violent storm of biotic energy that tore the Cerberus soldiers apart. James Vega looked disappointed that he didn't even get to fire a shot.

"Shepard. It's Victus," Sloane's comlink hummed in her ear, "These Cerberus fucks are putting up a fight yo."

"I know dude," Sloane replied, "Just hang tight with your platoon of many soldiers while three people, one of whom is an archeologist by trade, save you."

The turned a corner. More Cerberus! This time the assholes had a turret with them. Sloane surrounded herself in a violent glow of biotic energy and charged forward, slamming her fist into the torrent causing it to explode in a shower of machine chunks.

They pressed forward, coming at last to an overlarge courtyard. Overheard Cerberus shuttles buzzed like gnats as jetpack equipped soldiers jumped into them.

"That's weird," Sloane mused to no one in particular, "Usually they are jumping out of shuttles, not into them. Well, let's show them what for fellows."

The trio of heroic space travelers opened fire on the evil science army guys as they attempted to beat a hasty retreat. A fair number of them were shot down in cold blood that day as they attempt to flee before Sloane and company made their way down to the bomb. Lt. Victus and his remaining dudes were already there.

"Alright, I just need to disable the bomb from this console," Victus said, "Keep your peepers peeled for Cerberus fucks while I enter the deactivation codes."

A shot rang out striking one of the remaining Terrariums in the dome. His dome exploded like woah sending Terrarium brain and interior body slime everywhere.

"Sniper!" Sloane shouted, "Everyone protect Lt. Victus!"

Sloane's crew and the remaining Terrariums sprang into action as shuttles full of Cerberus fucklers emerged and jerkoff science army guys began leaping out.

It was a standard issue Sloane Shepard vs. Cerberus fucker battle. She gunned down a bunch of cannon fodder foemen and then Cerberus dropped a giant mech on her that she and Liara exploded with space magic.

Unbeknownst to her as Sloane fought this nearly cliche Cerberus fight, Lt. Victus had run into some trouble disarming the bomb. Cerberus had done some sort of bullshit to the codes and as he entered them the bomb's detonator began counting down. He'd have to manually remove the detonator before the bomb exploded and to do that he'd have to climb up onto the bomb.

Bullets whizzed about as he scaled the rickety two hundred year old ladder on the side of the bomb. It wasn't long before he'd reached the top. Victus hit the manual override button and the arms of the structure began to swing down, but a bit of machinery had become lodged in one of them. He'd have to go down and attempt to move it manually to remove the detonator.

He scrambled down to the stuck arm and tugged on it. It was jammed up a lot worse than he'd thought. Victus pulled on it with all his might and it swung downward, but as the arm moved the ladder he hung from gave way. Quickly Victus grabbed hold of a handle.

The ladder fell into the conveniently located bottomless pit beneath the bomb. Victus sighed heavily and tried to pull himself up, but as he did he realized what he was holding onto. It was the detonator to the bomb. He could remove it easily enough from his precarious position but in doing so he would undoubtedly fall from the bomb to his death.

Lieutenant Victus grabbed hold of the handle with both hands and using his feet for leverage was able to pull the detonator free. In an instant he began to fall. He wouldn't survive, but his death would mean life for others. The thought gave him a measure of comfort as his body slammed into the ground and shattered.

* * *

Back in the war room of the Normandy, Wrex Da'House glared at Primarch Victus and Garrus. "You should have told us about the giant bomb that could have blown up our entire goddamn planet!" he spat angrily.

"We didn't want to throw away the peace talks over a two hundred year old mistake," the Primarch replied.

"Wrex, in my defense this is the first I've heard about the bomb," Garrus said, "I can't say I'm really surprised that it exists but I didn't know anything about it."

"Whatever..." Wrex said and then turned to Sloane and said, "Thanks again Shepard. I never expected a human to do so much to help the Krogans."

Sloane ran a hand through her hair and said, "I didn't do it alone. The Primarch's son was the one who disarmed the bomb...fell into a bottomless pit doing it too."

Wrex turned his steely gaze back to the Primarch and said, "I'm sorry about your son. Anyway, Morton said he needed to run some tests on me so I'll smell you dudes later."

Sloane watched as the Krogan warlord exited the war room. How many more situations like this would she have solve before the denizens of the galaxy were willing to stand up and fight the Reapers that threatened them all? She hoped not many because they were quickly running out of time.

 

 


	51. Mass Effect - S03E09 - Mid-Season Cancellation (With Director Commentary)

_So I beat Mass Effect 3 last night and am pretty much over this series forever. The ending was so shitty and unfulfilling that I have absolutely no desire to write anything else about this game ever again. So here's the quick and dirty summary of the rest of the game so I don't leave you fine people feeling as let down as I did._  
  
Sloane and Morton cure the genophage, but Morton dies a redemptive death.  
  
Cerberus (with that assdick, Udina's, help) tried to take over the Citadel, but Sloane stops them and shoots that scumfuck Undina in the process. A Chinese guy with a ponytail tried to assassinate the Council, but Thane came out of retirement to stop him. Thane dies.  
  
Sloane helps Aria get Omega back from Cerberus. Sloane shoots a Cerberus General in the head in cold blood for being a douchelord.  
  
The quarians go to war with the geth in an effort to take back their home planet. Swerve! The quarians started the war with the geth the first time around. Back in present day the geth ally themselves with the reapers again for self preservation. Legion helps the geth overcome the Reapers and the Sloane kills a reaper on the quarian homeworld with a laser pointer. The quarians and the geth stop fighting and join Sloane's alliance. The geth help the quarians rebuild.  
  
Sloane discovers a stasis pod containing a prothean. He's kind of a dick and refers to Liara as "your (Sloane's) asari."  
  
Sloane, Liara and the last prothean go to the Asari homeworld to get some kind of thing so they can finish the crucible. Reapers are there already and Cerberus shows up too. The Protheans apparently taught the asari everything they knew. The Chinese ponytail guy wrecks house on everything and steals some kind of prothean AI.  
  
Everyone has a sadgasm (Sloane and Liara most of all) but Traynor's like, "Yo boss, I tracked down the Chinese guy's ship. He went to some nearly deserted system. Maybe check it out."  
  
Sloane checks it out. There's some refugee camp with a dark secret! Miranda's dad is a dickfucking Cerberus asshole who was working on a way to control Reapers. The Chinese guy is there again, but so is Miranda. She somehow puts a tracking beacon on him and then shoots her dad for being a dick and saves her kid sister.  
  
With homing beacon they locate Cerberus' base but before Sloane and her crew can attack they need to bring in the Normandy for upgrades. A zany plot with clones and banter happens. Sloane Shepard throws Sloane Shepard out of the Normandy as the later tried to steal the Normandy (a plan foiled by Traynor's toothbrush more than anything else). Sloane then shoots some Cerberus (or ex-Cerberus) operative in the back as she tried to escape.  
  
One last party! Sloane and her crew unwind with the best part of the game. If I'd stopped here I'd probably be like, "Mass Effect 3? Best game ever," but alas...  
  
With merrymaking taken care of it was time to raid Cerberus' base. The raid was more or less a success and Sloane learned that the catalyst for the crucible was the citadel. The only problem was the reapers had figured this out and brought the citadel near Earth.  
  
The Final Battle! Sloane and Comlany go to London and meet up with Anderson and fight their way to some sort of teleported that will take them to the citadel so they can open it. During a break in the fighting Liara brain fuckles Sloane while standing next to a dead body.  
  
Everyone hauls ass down to the teleported but there's too much Reaper shit going on. Liara and Tali get covered in blood after a space car flips over in front of them so Sloane summons the Normandy to pick them up. "I will always love you Liara."  
  
Sloane gets into the teleporter and ends up in a hall of corpses with keepers strolling about in it. Anderson apparently got in as well but went somewhere else because teleportation is apparently not an exact science. The two meet up in some control room. The Illusive Man appears covered in stinklines and tries to talk Sloane into using the Crucible to control the reapers. Sloane's like "Fuck that!" and shoots him in cold blood. Anderson also got shot too. Sloane then opens up the closed citadel and the Alliance docks the cruicble inside. It looks like a penis going into a vagina.  
  
Nothing happens though. Sloane goes over by the controls to figure it out but collapses. The floor turns into an elevator and takes her to another place. She meets a piece of shit robot kid who dumps all lot of contradictory Reaper plot on her and tells her she has three choices, all of them terrible.  
  
She can blow up the Reapers but doing so will wreck a lot of technology. "Even you are part synthetic Shepard..." Fuck.  
  
She can take control of the Reapers. "But you will lose sense of what you were and will cease to live." Fuck.  
  
Or she could merge synthetic and organic life. No guarantee or threat of death. Seems legit, though turning everyone into robots is kind of sketchy. Jump into a beam...disintegrate...wait, what the fuck? The citadel jizzes a green blast across the universe turning organic beings into robots and making synthetic beings aware. Sloane Shepard is dead for some kind of fucking bullshit.  
  
EDI and Joker are probably the only two people in the galaxy who are happy about this new order. There are scenes of how good life is as a robot with baby Krogans and geth and quarians chilling out with no face masks, but I'm not buying that jumping into the space penis and jizzing all over the Milky Way had any impact on this at all since both those things would already come to pass without everyone being robots anyway.  
  
On the Normandy Liara and EDI hug it out after Liara puts Shepard's name on the memorial wall. I wonder if she got pregnant when brain fuckling Sloane in London...  
  
End Credits!  
  
Post Credit Scene!  
An old geezer rambles about what's on the stars and how The Shepard saved everyone to some piece of shit kid. I wonder if they are robots too. I should have quit back when my space car kept exploding.


End file.
